Friend’s comment about me buying house

[WhatDayIsss]

I’m 36 (37 next may). I’ve basically found myself alone, dating but not finding anyone and after meeting someone I really loved a year or so ago and it ending out of the blue, I’m just fed up with the whole situation.

I live in a nice two bedroom terrace that I’ve been in since my twenties, i own it and there’s around 50% equity it in. I loved the house but as time has gone on everyone has moved to bigger homes, larger gardens, more space, proper drive etc.

I’m being transparent about finance here as I really want some guidance and don’t feel I can discuss this in real life. I earn 67k, outside London ie midlands/north. With deposit I could buy somewhere around 475k.

In the areas I am looking, more countryside towns and villages, this would mean a driveway, extra rooms to have an office when working from home, a big kitchen and full garden.

I have a close friend who I have told this to (not the specific finances!) but said I was looking at somewhere a bit bigger with these features. Her response was that I would be lonely rattling round in a big house and wouldn’t it be worse than being somewhere smaller like I am now which is suitable for me. She said the homes I was looking at were family ones and not for someone single.

I get her point and I’m not sure she meant it to sound how I took it…but I feel like my life is on hold until I can meet someone and share that journey together. I would LOVE to share that with someone. I’d love to view houses with them. I’d love to chose kitchen tiles with them. I’d love to be paying a mortgage on a house that they enjoy too. But I’ve not found that person. There’s part of me also that feels I’ve worked so hard to earn better money etc and do well at work and whilst I do have a lovely house that I am grateful for, it’s become stagnant and feels a little boring. I’ve been here so long and hoped to meet someone. It just hasn’t happened.

Do I go ahead and buy somewhere closer to my ideal home? Or would it be horribly lonely and worse than it is when I’m here alone in my terrace house?

If your friend was trying to be helpful, which it may be nice to assume she is, she may have been wondering about what it would be like to move location as well as house, which can be more of a challenge if you are on your own. I think her comments about the actual house are bizarre and wrong, by the way - I did a similar move and have loved it.

Sod her. We're buying a 5 bedroom house on 4 acres. We only need 3 bedrooms, and no one needs 4 acres for domestic purposes. But it's not about need, is it? If it's something you want that you can afford, go for it!

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that it all depends on the size and why you're buying the house. If it's a large family home then I see your friends poilv and would wait to buy that with a partner. If it's a cosy 3 bedroom house that's easy to maintain and enjoy as a singleton, couple or family of three then I'd see that as a good investment with short to long term use without maintenance headaches or that pang of loneliness that can come from living in a big house

*pov

[quote greta4563]@Buggritbuggrit

I suggested a cottage with a garden, because OP could live in a really lovely village, have a garden and parking and lots of cash to reduce her outgoings and spend more on her life. Early retirement, travelling, whatever floats her boat. A three bed cottage with parking and garden would cost around 400K where I live.
Big houses, cost more to run, maintain, longer to clean etc. I have over 3000 square foot, when my children move out, I just won't need all that space. We currently have three rooms we never use.

It's just an alternative viewpoint. Sometimes we get hung up on bigger houses and miss that there are other options. At 36 OP could retire at 60 and have a fabulous time.[/quote]
But she doesn’t want a cottage or early retirement. Much like she doesn’t want a yacht, a windmill or a teepee. She’s stated no desire to go travelling. She wants a big house - that’s what floats her boat.

She’s in her 30’s, earns enough to buy the house she wants and - as she’s not a fool - is aware of the increased running costs and maintenance associated with a bigger house. There is absolutely no reason why she shouldn’t have what she wants and wanting something isn’t being ‘hung up’ on it. Unless you’d consider yourself hung up on downsizing and early retirement?

The fact that you would consider your home too big if you were the only person living in it isn’t really relevant, nor is the fact that you seem to think everyone wants to retire at 60 (lots of people have zero desire to do so). Having a fabulous time for OP could well be doing up a big house and pottering about in her massive garden.

@frazzledasarock

I’m curious why do people think you can retire once you’ve paid your mortgage off?

You still have running costs of your house and personal expenses.

However I’d buy whatever the heck I wanted and enjoy the fruits of my labour. You could buy a place together with a future partner when that happens. I wouldn’t put my life on hold waiting for a potential future relationship.

But you have options when you have no mortgage.

You can keep working and save the rest of your money - thus retire quicker.
Or you can go part time
or take a job you have always wanted but is lower paid. Maybe retrain.

If you are lonely you will be lonely whether in a 2 bed or 5 bed. At least if you had a new house with a garden and space for an office etc, it might give you more to do and more to enjoy.

I wouldn't buy a second home that you live in part time as that is creating a huge housing crisis in this country.

I've always said that if I came into a huge amount of money that I wouldn't buy a massive house with multiple bedrooms/bathrooms for just myself and my daughter. I personally don't see the point and it all needs cleaning! However, everyone has different needs and wants and if a bigger house is what you want then go for it and ignore your friend. As others have said, it's your money, you can live in a mansion or a potting shed. Good luck

Not sure why having a proper garden, own drive and extra bedroom/rooms in a larger home would make you more lonely? Having a proper dedicated office plus a separate spare/guest room is an advantage and would appreciate in value, surely? And you are bringing yourself more facilities/comfort for your own self.

Your friend seems to have placed you in a box in her mind and you stepping out of it into something different/more has brought some negative feelings out in her.

It's your money which you've earned and your life. Do what feels the right thing for YOU. 🌹

Buy the house. And the kitchen tiles. Add a dog or cat if you like pets. You can afford a dog walker! And pets are fab if you feel lonely. Enjoy yourself.

What you want sounds very reasonable. A drive keeps your car safer and makes loading and unloading easier. A garden is enjoyable as a way to relax. A home office is useful. I'd go for what you want, especially if you are currently in a position to afford it. You can always downsize again if you need to in the future but a big move may be a catalyst to meet new people in your new area which is always a nice thing.

Friend was rude, but your reasons for considering buying a bigger place don’t seem strong reasons to spend hundreds of thousands of pounds (because people in couples often do and because you think / feel that you’re ‘waiting’ in your current property).

If what you really want is DC, and should a good relationship not happen in time fertility wise, you might decide to try to have a DC alone, that is likely to be financially costly, so you’d be better off saving your money for that!

If you don’t want DC or are ambivalent, would consider whether larger/different housing is a higher priority than other things you could use your money for.

Definitely buy a house you love.
But do factor in maintenance of it.

[quote greta4563]@Buggritbuggrit

Actually she is only looking for a bigger house as she's stagnant and bored. what she really wants is a relationship!

Anyway you do you... I wanted a big house, I bought it at 30 and cleared my mortgage before 40.

I was offering a different viewpoint (based on living in a big house) which despite your opinion I am allowed to do.

Try to be less of a twat love![/quote]
Woman: I want XYZ

You: no, do this thing I want instead. It might have nothing to do with anything you say you want, but it’s far more sensible according to my personal beliefs.

Me: she should do what she wants.

And at no point did I ask about your housing situation or your mortgage. So, no, I don’t think I’m the twat in this scenario. I would suggest you practice some self awareness and take your own advice. ‘Love’.

Who knows. Buy the big house and suddenly a man with 3 children will enter your life

Quite likely actually. Maybe more than one!

Omg- be fabulous and buy the big house!

Your 'friend' is jealous.

Op did you post about this months ago? I recall a nearly identical thread.

Are you a wafter or a rattler?

Some people love to waft around their spacious home. Some people find themselves rattling around in a large house.

I'm a single parent both DC at university. When they left I did feel lonely in a larger house, I was rattling around and really wanted something cosier. Going to bed past lots of empty dark rooms was depressing. It was also costly to run and a lot of maintenance. It was a burden - so I downsized. I now have a place that I really enjoy making my own.

I think by all means buy somewhere that suits your changing needs - better space and garden, a nicer location. But I wouldn't personally go for somewhere too large with lots of rooms you will rarely use.

Also, I work with older people and many do feel very lonely in a large home and one that they struggle to maintain. I do think being cosy matters to a lot of people.

What a strange thing for her to say. It's almost like she wants you to remain firmly in your place in the pecking order in life. How dare a single woman live in a home which is as big or bigger than a house owned by a married couple. Don't these single women know that they are supposed to be skint and coveting the lives of these happy people in relationships with their big kitchens for hosting all of their married couple mates?

Get good financial advice
But off the top of my head I would buy two smaller houses or flats and rent them out

I mean, I routinely wake up in my nice big bedroom and sob because there is just no hairy, sweaty man in my bed. And in my dressing room too. And when I'm chilling in my big garden with the dogs. And when I'm training in my gym. 'WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I JUST CANNOT ENJOY ANYTHING NICE IN LIFE WITHOUT ONE' I cry into the void that is my lonely life in my big house that I can afford and maintain.