Living Apart - New Norm

[1MillionDollars]

I've come to the realisation that I never want to live with a woman again, will never be financially entangled, will never be in a situation where I can't just leave.

I want to start a movement (Not Really)

The way we do things over the last 100 years has changed. You couldn't live together unless you were married or have kids, very taboo. Same sex couples adopting, raising kids...A big no no.

When we have kids we move in together as it's practical, just that really practical and it's the norm.

I think even with kids people should maintain their own spaces/places, the kids still see two loving parents there for them, but it becomes normal for one person to go back to their own place. I know it sounds like it might not work but if it was normal from a child's birth, it would just be that. Normal.

They say 50% of people getting married in 2021 will be divorced and probably a massive percentage of those unhappy and stuck.

Let's save the hurt and trauma of separation by just not doing it. I think living apart/that being normal is less harmful than splitting apart.

One thing I realise is that I just didn't have my own space, constantly feeling Im not doing this or that.

I realise a lot of things would need ironing out... but desperate living....Who's with me 😊

Me and dh already have an open relationship. We dream of having our own separate properties too. We found a house split into two flats and were very tempted. We just aren't in a position to move at the moment unfortunately

@GoldenOmber

Nope. Thought this way before breakup, just realising this is the way forward for me. I'm not forcing it on anyone so you can chill out a bit.

@BurbageBrook You can still have that. Doesn't mean you/they go home every night, just means they have space/place if they need it.

As long as you’re not one of these insufferable people who insists on referring to them as your “partner” then sure, you do you mate oh do grow up.

OP, there is certainly merit in not wanting to live with someone, e.g. to avoid blending families or even if you’re in a second relationship and are used to your space. Me and my DP don’t live together for logistical reasons and see each other at weekends. But in truth I like having my space during the week because it’s what I’ve become used to.

But there would be a lot of considerations if society were to start going down the route of single person households being the norm.

So e.g. the housing shortage has already been mentioned upthread, and really it shouldn’t be the government’s responsibility to build more houses to accommodate people just because they don’t want to live together.

Also what about the impact on the welfare state? Should someone with a partner they choose not to live with be entitled to universal credit for instance? And if so, then surely that means they aren’t sharing any of one another’s costs so are literally just separate households with a casual arrangement.

Same for e.g. child benefit. If a woman earning £20000 is in a relationship and has a child with a man earning £100000 should she be entitled to child benefit and UC because her high earning partner and father to her children doesn’t live with her?

If this kind of arrangement were to become the norm then it should be done on the basis that the state isn’t required to foot the bill.

@HeartsAndClubs

I don't get the housing shortage. Are you saying that people should live together to solve the shortage. Surely most people live separately before they get together, why not just keep the same situation. There is no rule or law that says people together/ those that have kids should live together. That's not a problem couples should have to think about.

The UC one is fair enough, legally it would be illegal to claim it if you have sufficient funds. People probably already do this because they can beat the system but if they are caught they face the consequences. A lot of people claim but have a partner contributing or staying over more than the rules allow. It may be harder to police in this situation but the same principle applies so kinda a moot point.

Disagree totally. All those single households have made the housing shortage a lot worse.

@Viviennemary

And? Your not allowed to be single because there is a housing shortage???

Who's job is it if not the governments. Business build houses to make money, meaning less affordable housing.

A national plan needs to be generated to solve it. If there was a gas shortage who would you expect to deal / fix it.

We build houses after houses taking over land after land. It needs a different approach. An approach that puts the shortage first not profit.

@ParmigianoReggiano

Totally get this if one or both of you already have your own DC from previous relationships and don't like the idea of blending.

But are you saying it's also a good idea for couples having their first DC together? Wouldn't that mean the "resident parent" has to do all the night wakings, tidying up, default childcare etc?

Exactly my thoughts! Sorry I have to talk from the man's point of view for a moment, for someone like my ex partner, that would of been his dream, to start off that way, so definantly not great for guys who are not doing their share etc.

@UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername

It's not financially feasible for people to each own their own properties though, so property prices would have to drop massively. Plus there's a shortage of properties already and you're talking doubling demand.

It would be horribly hard on mothers, who would inevitably end up doing all the grunt work of the baby years. They'd end up having to live with their mothers for financial and physical support, which turns society into a very different model altogether, with matriarchal multigenerational households and floating bachelors. Not that there's anything necessarily wrong with that societal model, but it would take a long time to become the norm.

Lol, I don't live with my mother.

[quote 1MillionDollars]@Kite22 You do know, but that can change. So because if a so called housing shortage, which isn't people's fault, you should be forced to stay with a cheating, abusive partner etc

Housing shortage is because government don't build affordable housing or have forward thinking about housing and how the housing market should look or change.[/quote]
You weren't talking about staying with people who are as you stated, you was talking about being together but living separately.

@Redruby2020

No. It doesn't mean that at all. In the beginning things would have to change, but you still have your own place / place.

The usual conversation usually occurs with couples and I think it goes like this.....

It seems really silly that I am paying for my place and you for yours, we could save a huge amount of money if I just moved in here and we saved for a place..,.

Booom. Your stuck with each other and if all goes wrong as 50% of marriage/relationships do and probably going to be a higher and higher % as years go on. Separation and adversary, resentment grow harming everyone.

@Redruby2020

Not sure what you mean with that last quote/comment.

Yep! Partner and I together 5 years. He has his house and I have mine. It works and we love each other.

I'm financially independent, lone parent with a good career and I have no intention of sharing my assets.

He has part time custody of his son and own house etc too. All good.

@jeaux90

Shame on you contributing to the housing shortage 😂

@1MillionDollars IDGAF

If a couple is financially able, there are no rules that say you can't do that now.

I got together with ex, had ds, sold my house but kept my endowment going, kept my deposit in the bank, and moved in with Ex. It became clear pretty quickly after DS was born, that ex's motivations were totally selfish so I moved out again with DS, & bought us a home.

I didn't give up work and leave us vulnerable, or merge my finances with ex. I chose to look after ds all the time. Ex turned out to be so selfish, it wasn't safe to leave a child with him.

DS and I are safe, settled and financially secure.

@MintJulia

I rest my case. Maintain your space and place. Just because your happy now and think this is it, this is the one. Doesn't mean it can't go wrong in a New York minute.

50% of relationships and growing end in divorce and these are just the ones that are a divorce statistic, not the miserable ones stuck or the ones not married.

If you bought a car and the statistics said this version of the car has a 50% chance of killing you in the next 5 years. Would you buy it?

OP - from your other posts recently - you are full of resentment for your partner. You also picked up and left for several weeks and only seeing your child over video calls.

This isn’t some new philosophy. It seems they you are trying to fit in your current situation into some sort of narrative. Maybe this would make you feel better.

I think people don’t need you, or anyone really to tell them how to set up their lives. Half of married people will stay together.
The other half will divorce. Of those - some will form new relationships, while other won’t. Some will cohabit, other won’t.
People will chose what works for them.

I am trying to give you some benefit of doubt - given you are in a bad place. But you seem to be full of hatred towards your Ex. And so you dismiss future relationships as something you don’t want.
Maybe it’s as you say. But equally possible that you are simply in a bad place and need to heal.
You certainly need to figure out a way to let go of all that anger towards your Ex.
Both for your kid and your sake.

@MMmomDD

Thanks for the insight. I'm not trying to tell anybody what to do. I don't care. There are plenty people here and elsewhere that feel the same, so it's not just me. I'm looking to hear what people think.

This isn't because of a break up. I've thought and said these things to people for a long long time, it's just that now faced with it, this is what I've decided to do. As another poster said on this thread. It's not that he doesn't want a relationship, he just won't live with a woman again. This isnt to do with resentment or anger, this is about knowing what you want / what you think will work for you.

If your upset by what I say ignore me, but don't try to tell me how I'm feeling or why I'm feeling it.

Angry....Yes. Because after years and years I've realised it feel that I have been manipulated, gas lit and my partner was passive aggressive. I'm angry at myself first bring a mug mainly.

I left because I was financially in no other position. You tell me what you would do in that situation. Really, please do tell? I had no money. Would you judge an abused man or woman for leaving if they had no other choice. I doubt you would. I would have happily stayed and had her leave IF that was an option, but it wasn't.

You say people choose what works for them. I'm asking people if living apart works for them and what do they think of this concept, even with kids.

Don't like the thread, don't comment.

Yes, count me in, OP.

@Chunkymenrock

You must be so bitter, resentful and angry.

Posting on a public forum you will get comments you don’t like. That is how it works.
I am not telling you how you are feeling.
I am simply remarking that a person who has left his kid(s) so he can live by himself and have his freedoms - and now is trying to make some sort of position statement about ‘new and better way of living’ - just sounds like he is trying to justify his choices.
And there is a certain amount of your hatred of your Ex that seem to spill out towards all women out there.

There are certainly people who decide to live apart and it works for them. And maybe you are one of those people. But maybe it’s the effect of the relationship breakup.

As to judging - yes, I’d judge a parent for leaving their children. In the situation of abuse - even more so for leaving the child in an unsafe place.

@MMmomDD

I'm sorry you are making massive assumptions and mis-understanding my post/posts.

I have left temporarily as I had no choice. If I could have moved into a place of my own / stayed near my kids. I would have. Financially not viable. You have also probably missed other posts where I have stated I was the main carer for my 2 kids under 10 for 3 years pretty much by myself and looking after 2 step kids.

You may not even realise that I have been back and forth, travelling 300 miles each way several times to be there for important events, sleeping on sofas and in hotels.

You may not also know that I have done nothing for the last month but try to find a 2 bedroom place with no money so that the main thing I can do is have my kids 50% of the time. Luckily I have supportive parents that I have not had to rely or ask for anything for 20 years that have helped and in 8 days will be moving back.

You'd know all this though from maybe the 10 posts I've typed in the last few days.

Keep your judgements to yourself.

I'm all for hearing things I might not want to hear, but I'm not going to sit back and say nothing when the person saying them is adding 1+1 to make 11.

@MMmomDD

Again. Hatred of women??? Just because I have decided I won't live with a woman again? I don't want to live with anyone again, male or female.

I've already stated i want a relationship again, in time but will not have a conventional one I.e live with a women or be entangled with them.

Again. You make massive assumptions and jump to conclusions

Yes it works for people who already have children from previous relationships. I'm not sure it's a good idea to bring a child into a relationship where the parents live separately though. It should be possible to have space and independence within a cohabiting couple situation.

The downsides are that running two households is almost twice as expensive as one. In fact, the reason a lot of couples on low to middle incomes are able to afford to separate is the benefits system/social housing that society pays for. Before that was around, many couples had no option but to make it work/put up with each other, because it wasn't financially viable to separate. And when new couples form when they have existing kids, the benefits system prevents cohabiting financially unviable.

That and the massive housing shortage that we already have. What you're proposing would hugely increase the demand for family homes, and then they'd all have a single occupier for half of the time.

Me and my partner both have children from previous relationships (5 under 13 between us). There's no practical way we can live together until the kids are adults. It would be chaos trying to become a blended family with that many kids living together. The upheaval would be immense, and unfair to put the children through that.

We couldn't afford to buy a big enough house between us, and I'm not giving up home ownership to go back to renting, partner won't give up social housing to rent privately, and jointly we wouldn't be eligible for social housing.

So the only solution is to wait until the kids have grown up/moved out. We'd dearly love to be able to spend more time together, but we can't. So be careful what you wish for.

@altmember

See, you've said it too. The practicalities of running two households. This is why a lot of people move in together. Practical reasons. Surely they have been running their own house before they got together or had kids. I had my place and my partner had hers before we had children and moved in together.

Practical is what leads people into a mess. It's practical for you (women more likely) to give up your job as I earn more and you should look after the kids. Makes more sense because if childcare and development.

Practical shouldn't come into it.

I understand it's not the norm, I just wonder if is something that people will do in the future. I understand it's not practical but can people make it work. Living with another person as far as I'm concerned is very hard, and even though living slightly separate from a person might be hard would it be better in the long run. Do the eventual pros outweigh the cons.