Wife no longer loves me

[Sw05]

Hi, I get this is for mums but from a male point of view I need a different perspective on this. My wife no longer wants to be with me as a couple but wants me to stay at the family home to keep some sort of family normality. It’s breaking my heart and I tried a few weeks ago to take an overdose as I can’t bear to not be with my wife who I love more than life itself and adore her. Before this situation was told to me I’d been sleeping on the sofa for the past 5 years because my wife enjoys her sleep and because she goes to bed really early I tend to stay up late as I’m not a great sleeper so I agreed to sleep on the sofa. Obviously there no sex, passion cuddles or kisses and it has for the last five years been so difficult and frustration has set in. I don’t push for affection or intermarry as my wife shuts down and say she feels pressured so I have avoided the issue to do as she wishes. Some stuff has gone on at work and I’ve been falsely accused of something which I know nothing about, now my wife says there’s no trust and she can’t carry on our relationship anymore. I’m completely devastated and have now become so depressed and so low. I wake up and within minutes I’m in tears, my wife is my best friend and my soulmate and as I said I totally love and adore her but it’s only ever been 1 way, she finds it difficult to show her love and affection towards me and it breaks my heart thinking we won’t be together anymore. I’m now on antidepressants, I never thought I could feel this low, all I’ve ever wanted was to be with my wife and live a long and happy life with the woman I love I thought I had everything but in 4 weeks I’ve gone from being happy, loving my job have a wife who I’m proud to be with to now rock bottom and alone depressed, upset,alone and worthless. I just don't know what to do anymore. I’ve given her space and she is away at the moment with my daughter. On a short break just the 2 of them (this break was booked before all this happened) Sorry this is a long message BUT I’m just reaching out for anyone who can help.
Thank you

So sorry you're going through this OP. However, read back what you've written, it sounds utterly miserable. Your soulmate doesn't leave you on the sofa or withhold affection or intimacy. What part of this situation brings you any happiness? Your wife is also perfectly entitled to leave a marriage that is making her unhappy.

I do completely empathise with the pain you are feeling as I've been there but ultimately my life is a million times better without my ex-h. It's taken a while and a lot of counselling but I am so happy now.

Firstly, I would see if your GP will refer for counselling and I'd also seek some legal advice in terms of separation and divorce.

You will be ok! You're living a half life, both of you are, you both deserve better!

Hi, Im very sorry to hear about your situation but am I reading this right?. For the past five years you have slept on the couch? No sex, no relationship? If thats the case why are you upset now? Its clear that five years ago something was wrong?
I must add if you are feeling suicidal you must reach out to mental health services and the great resources the team at mumsnet here have in place.

Agree with the pp. You deserve better than this op. I'm really sorry for how you are feeling. Does your gp know you've taken overdoses? Have you been able to access counselling?

It sounds like your marriage has been over for a long time and the best thing might be to accept it and try to move on, as difficult as that might sound right now.

I agree with talking to your GP about how you’re feeling right now. There is support out there for feeling very low.

TheFormidableMrsC, thank you for the quick reply, sorry but I didn’t add that the house we have is her family home that we bought from her parents and sh has no intention of leaving it but wants me to stay to keep some sort of normality for my daughter. I think she wants us to remain married but stay as friends, I’ve just come off the phone from my GP who has prescribed some strong antidepressants, I have also spoke to 2 councillors 1 last night and one this morning.

I’ve not just now been upset, I’ve been upset for years but am struggling

Everything, the loss of my marriage, my job, life I feel so empty

So sorry. Outside, looking in, your wife’s desire for a sham marriage, effectively, for the sake of your child is without question unreasonable.
Your wants and needs are incompatible. If you are ever to move on with your own life, you need to move out.
You need to consult a family lawyer.

Sorry you are going through this. You don’t deserve this at all. Is there any chance your wife might agree to go to marriage counselling with you. I think she owes you a chance to put your side across. If your wife won’t go to counselling with you do you think you could benefit by speaking to a counsellor on your own? Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Your little girl needs her dad in her life. Think how she would feel if she lost you to suicide. I went to school with a boy whose dad committed suicide. This boy ended up being very messed up and suicidal himself. He ended up heavily dependent on drugs and got into the wrong crowd. I firmly believe this was linked to what happened to his dad. I think you need to try to get your wife to appreciate how much this is getting you down and to see things from your side. If she won’t then you can find happiness again. My mil left my fil. He was so heartbroken and tried to take his own life. Eventually he found happiness with a new woman and they are so happy together. Please don’t give up.

While you’re still living there, you’ll never be able to get over it. At least temporarily, I’d move out to get some space from the situation.

Problem is I can’t move out, I cannot afford to get a place of my own, I’m still part responsible for the mortgage

She's not a soul mate or a friend.

You gain your entire sense of self worth from the dismal joke that is your relationship.

You're in for a very painful time and it won't be easy but-

You can come out the other side and be happy again or you'll chose to let this break you.

Dontgetyerknicksinatwist I will try anything to save my marriage

Sw05

Problem is I can’t move out, I cannot afford to get a place of my own, I’m still part responsible for the mortgage“

In which case, it is not your wife’s family home as you suggested. It is your joint family home. Precisely why you need to consult a lawyer.

You need to tell your wife that living together as friends is impossible. It will destroy you. You need to come up with a plan that allows you (or her) to move out.

It’s very difficult as I couldn’t do this to my daughter especially as it her final year in school and she needs some kind of stability while studying for exams. I know I sound pathetic and a push over but I just can’t walk away from my wife and family.

Do you want to continue the living arrangements? Your wife says she wants to maintain the illusion of a ‘ normal’ marriage for the sake of your daughter.,surely having two happy healthy parents will be more beneficial for your daughter?

Maze76 I know what you mean

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

@Sw05

It’s very difficult as I couldn’t do this to my daughter especially as it her final year in school and she needs some kind of stability while studying for exams. I know I sound pathetic and a push over but I just can’t walk away from my wife and family.

Parents split up all the time. Children cope, especially with help.

You’re at the point of thinking very dark thoughts about what your life is worth. Your daughter wouldn’t want you staying if that’s the price.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and start all over again. If you bought the house jointly, even if it was her family home, you have a stake in it. At some stage you'll be entitled to some money which hopefully you'll be able to use to buy a home for yourself. In the meantime, leave and start renting elsewhere. The situation where you are is eating you up.

@Sw05 I'm sorry you feel like this op you mentioned in your post that there has been no intamacy or sex for 5 years did this stop suddenly or just gradually decline ?

Clearly you have got so much going on at the moment, could you separate the problems in your mind.

The work situation, is there any chance this can be resolved. I think one thing at a time, instead of everything overwhelming you.
I'm pleased you have been in touch with the gp, give the tablets time to work, and if you need to speak to someone the samaritans are always there.

Try to concentrate on becoming stronger and then think about decisions, you sound too ill at the moment to think clearly.

Please don't do anything silly, your child will always need you.