Wife no longer loves me

[Sw05]

Hi, I get this is for mums but from a male point of view I need a different perspective on this. My wife no longer wants to be with me as a couple but wants me to stay at the family home to keep some sort of family normality. It’s breaking my heart and I tried a few weeks ago to take an overdose as I can’t bear to not be with my wife who I love more than life itself and adore her. Before this situation was told to me I’d been sleeping on the sofa for the past 5 years because my wife enjoys her sleep and because she goes to bed really early I tend to stay up late as I’m not a great sleeper so I agreed to sleep on the sofa. Obviously there no sex, passion cuddles or kisses and it has for the last five years been so difficult and frustration has set in. I don’t push for affection or intermarry as my wife shuts down and say she feels pressured so I have avoided the issue to do as she wishes. Some stuff has gone on at work and I’ve been falsely accused of something which I know nothing about, now my wife says there’s no trust and she can’t carry on our relationship anymore. I’m completely devastated and have now become so depressed and so low. I wake up and within minutes I’m in tears, my wife is my best friend and my soulmate and as I said I totally love and adore her but it’s only ever been 1 way, she finds it difficult to show her love and affection towards me and it breaks my heart thinking we won’t be together anymore. I’m now on antidepressants, I never thought I could feel this low, all I’ve ever wanted was to be with my wife and live a long and happy life with the woman I love I thought I had everything but in 4 weeks I’ve gone from being happy, loving my job have a wife who I’m proud to be with to now rock bottom and alone depressed, upset,alone and worthless. I just don't know what to do anymore. I’ve given her space and she is away at the moment with my daughter. On a short break just the 2 of them (this break was booked before all this happened) Sorry this is a long message BUT I’m just reaching out for anyone who can help.
Thank you

@BIWI

Yes, I'm sorry, but it is pathetic! Where is your self-esteem?! You're letting her walk all over you. It's all about what she wants. What about you?

Time to man up.

Thanks for the reply

@Sw05 - it is very hard to let go. The fact that your wife works nights does complicate matters.

Some posters are giving you quite a hard time but it is because they see you being trampled on. They also understand that your wife might treat you better if you stood up for yourself. She might start to value you more then. But you have to be true to yourself also and, based on your posts, you're not a confrontational person.

Given the situation with your wife's night shifts, perhaps the best thing is for you to remain in the family home for now but to try to practise extricating yourself emotionally. There will be a part of you which can feel interest and excitement and take pleasure in activities and distractions despite the emotional pain you're feeling. Are there any hobbies or activities that you could do just for yourself? Perhaps things that you've enjoyed doing in the past or perhaps which you've never done but you're intrigued by? Now might be a good time to start throwing yourself into some such activities. Particularly if they're activities which require concentration and focus. Start building areas of your life which are for your pleasure and sustenance and designed to suit your interests and tastes. Your wife's behaviour to you is very painful and rejecting but it's also liberating. Try embracing the opportunities that come with it.

@Dery has it right. They put it nicely.

Just anything to get through to you.

Because you’re acting like a goddamn child throwing a tantrum. You lack the EQ to understand how what you’re doing right now is hurting your ability to reach your goal. You’re coming off so damn pathetic and anyone who coddles you isn’t your friend. They are only helping you stay broken.

How tedious. You can’t even humble yourself to face the fact that when you don’t value yourself nobody else will. It’s just the truth.

It’s unfair to burden someone with the responsibility of your very existence. People want a partner, not an albatross.

Yeah I’m harsh, but I’ve been a sad face crybaby just like you. It is incredibly empowering to face your weakness, and invest in yourself. No person on earth can fill the hole you have inside of you. Only you can do it. It isn’t easy, but it must be done.

You can have your pity part but put an expiration date on it. Do it for yourself. Be better than what you are right now. You have it in you. Get hobbies, do things.

Stop burdening others with the responsibility that you should take on yourself. Be a good person and sack right on up dude.

PS you mentioned trying to overdose. You need to get help. It’s a wild cope because what you’re going through isn't unique, special, or new. Literally every week we get heartbreaking stories here. Sometimes even longer marriages and where the partner is more harsh than yours.

We also get full stories where they fight through it and ultimately are in disbelief that they felt so low before. There is hope.

It doesn’t mean your pain isn’t valid but you gotta get ahold of yourself. You need to see someone who can help with your complex mental health issues. You’ve got to go get help.

I’m going to stay harsh because it’s what woke me up. Still, you NEED to see a therapist or whatever. Go.

You have come on here for advice and you are getting it but are not happy with what you are being told. There is no way of getting this back, this isn't sudden for her, just sudden for you.

if I wasn’t here it would cause a huge disruption to her job and life as well as my daughters. Being here is a way where she doesn’t have to change anything

If you were a woman in this situation you would be advised on here to stop all the things you do as a wife, no more cooking for that person, no laundry, no shopping etc. Separate lives. You know the only reason she doesn't want a divorce is because of the lifestyle she has with your wage contributing to the house you live in.

You need to seek legal advice. Houses get sold all the time with children still in education. You need to find out your legal position in terms of the house, pensions, finances etc.

I am truly sorry that you are going through this. But you are not alone. This board has been filled with women who have been in your position. The advice given to you is the same advice given to them. It may feel harsh but MN is a supportive place, the type of friend who tells you like it is.

Your daughter is in the last year of school so come summer you can insist on the sale of the house. So start planning. Your wife wants her cake and to eat it too - if she doesn’t want a relationship with you, she can’t equally decide that you can’t leave. If she didn’t want disruption for her child, she should have found a way to work on the marriage - she wants out, which is her right, but part of that for you both is supporting your nearly adult child to come to terms with that.

You need to start seeing the house sale, and any consequent disruption as the result of your wife’s decision, any financial hardship she might experience is a result of her decision. She should have been thinking through how she’ll cope on her own, not planning to keep you trapped in a loveless situation.

She doesn’t seem to have done that - so you need to. It’s ok to be heartbroken, but dear God take some ownership of your life, and give her back ownership of her own life and decision making. Start separating - physically (separate rooms, someone on the sofa, whatever), separate chores, etc. Start separating financially - look at what you’d be due to give in child maintenance and negotiate from there, look at the equity in the house and whether one could buy the other out. Get some distance, if you really can’t move out just now then start saving but in the meantime get out of the house even just for a night. Give yourself space from her and see how you feel.

You’ve let it drift for too long, judge yourself for that if it helps (it never does), then look to see what else is there - maybe some self respect? Maybe some optimism about what might be next for you - if the marriage has lacked intimacy for so long, it can’t have been truly fulfilling for you either, in the long run this may prove to be a gift to you, though it doesn’t feel that way now.

I’m on the other side, the wife that has just ended things in not dissimilar circumstances, it’s hard for us both in different ways, but I know beyond any shadow of doubt we’ll ultimately be happier apart.

So she hung onto you for the convenience of having a wage coming in and when it looks like this might stop, she's binning you off. Is that right?

I wouldn’t go near another relationship not now or ever if I’m honest, I’ve been devastated the last month and it’s almost killed me (literally), as for most replies moving on I can’t firstly yes it’s because I’m a mess and secondly I cannot afford to move to my own place because I’m still responsible for half the mortgage. My wife has said she doesn’t want me to move out and wants to try and keep some normality for our daughter who obviously knows something is going on. As for nut up yes your right I should and hopefully I will. As for the second comment not sure how to reply to that as we both work full time and have shared most things, she said to me today that she has had enough and I can’t give her what she wants anymore (but how am I to know if she never said anything to me?).

This is part of the grieving process, a huge change is being forced on you and you’ll need time to adjust. Don’t make any wild decisions just now which might limit that future - look at the possibilities ahead, including in time the possibility of a new relationship where you take the learning from your marriage into anything new. The learning about staying engaged and connected, about questioning and talking openly about intimacy if it starts to slip.

Be honest with yourself about your part in the end of your marriage. You say she never told you what you need, my husband wouid say the same despite me all but writing it in the sky. He was so disconnected and avoidant that he just couldn’t hear or see how desperately lonely I was - and he’s shocked that I want out. Which shows really the depth of the distance between us. So take stock and look at the actual relationship rather than your perception of it and learn about where you went wrong. Then forgive yourself and give yourself permission to start again. You deserve that.

OP, what's your wife's take on all this? Why does she want the marriage to end? You've said over and over again how sad you feel but not said why she wants to split up from her point of view.

FWIW, attempting or threatening to commit suicide just to try and keep someone in a relationship is so controlling and abusive - don't ever do that. (I'd say that to a woman too).

Don’t really think our finances should be of your concern tbh plus we are not living beyond our means we can afford the mortgage thank you and where/ are in a position to pay it. I came on here not to be slagged off about money but to be able to get advice

I don’t think opentooffers was wrong mentioning finances at all and I don’t think they ‘were slagging you off’ either.

They were giving you a fairly sensible opinion and constructive advice.

Just because you didn’t like that, doesn’t mean it deserves a snarky reply.

This is not a sudden thing for your wife as a PP said. I disagree that it is a sudden thing for you though. Whether you’ve sleep-walked through this or buried your head in the sand I don’t know.

But your wife shouldn’t get to call all the shots here. You both have skin in this game.

Time to sit down and talk and try to find a way forward because this situation is making you both miserable.

Ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness. Don’t wallow in misery just because that is the easiest option. Life is too bloody short for that.

hey OP, its good that you are seeing professionals for your mental health - do the same for legal stuff - seek out a professional who can help you navigate this - some employers offer it as part of employee assistance programmes/helplines.

Then maybe make a list of what you need to find out about/decide on - channelling what skills you have from the work place into moving this forward.

@Vanishun

OP, what's your wife's take on all this? Why does she want the marriage to end? You've said over and over again how sad you feel but not said why she wants to split up from her point of view.

FWIW, attempting or threatening to commit suicide just to try and keep someone in a relationship is so controlling and abusive - don't ever do that. (I'd say that to a woman too).

From what I can gather from OP's posts is that the wife doesn't want the marriage to end. She just doesn't want sex or any other form of physical intimacy.

If that's correct, the question to ask is why a woman wouldn't want sex with her husband or any other physical touch. One reason could be that she's getting her needs met elsewhere - but I don't think that's the case here - right OP?

Another reason could be some form of mental illness - depression can make people shy away from physical closeness with other human beings (although strangely, depressed people often are extremely loving to their pets, giving them hugs).

@Sw05Sw05 you need to dig deeper on this and find the underlying reason. She hasn't just got the ick of you after 15 plus years of marriage - unless you've developed some habit, or had a personality change?

I have to agree with @JustKittenAround and a PP who said that really, the time to fix this ws 5 years ago when things started going bad. Your wife is not treating you well here but i do have to wonder what has happened over the last 5 or more years. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh but if this level of apathy and inability to DO anything is standard, she might just be exhausted by it. You clearly adored her but were you her partner or her puppy dog?

You need to formally separate. If your daughter is in final year of school thens surely you don't even have to be there while your wife works nights. If you have to sell the house, then so be it. Move on and give both yourself and your wife a chance at happiness.

It just occurred to me @Sw05 - could this all be down to a serious lack of communication between the two of you? Could she be having issues with her body image or self esteem? Could she be thinking that you're not really interested in her? Might she have gynae issues where perhaps sex is painful but she doesn't want to say? To be blunt, even having thrush as a woman can make a woman red and raw and then sex is not that enjoyable at all.

You've said before on another post that you were alone one New Year's Eve because your wife went to bed early and you stayed up alone and upset, but that your wife didn't know you were upset. Had you perhaps done something specific earlier that day that upset her but which she didn't address then? Why didn't you address the issue in the moment, and tell her you felt upset? Perhaps she was genuinely tired and looked at you seemingly content to watch TV and thought nothing of it?

It is increasingly looking like you have issues with verbal communication, but not written communication, so maybe write her a letter?!

"LouReading
Another reason could be some form of mental illness - depression can make people shy away from physical closeness with other human beings (although strangely, depressed people often are extremely loving to their pets, giving them hugs)."

Pets aren't judgmental in the way humans can be. If someone cannot trust people they might find it easier to find affection in animals, I certainly do.
Mental health problems can produce erratic behaviour, one day affectionate, the next remote or avoiding contact; very confusing for humans, less so animals.

Sw05
I get the impression (correct me if I'm wrong) that you feel the situation is completely out of your control.
It probably isn't, you cannot control others, but get control of some small part of your life (paperwork, legal advice, better diet, whatever.) and build on that. As you get things done, over time, it may improve your mood markedly. This may be your anxiety/depression speaking.

With depression, memory and decision making can be clouded. Write things down you need to do or make lists, even if you don't complete the tasks on a list at least you know what to do.
For most people these symptoms start to get better and most recover completely.

It's sounds like she wants you around for childcare and whatever financial contribution you make. She might as well replace you with a lodger.

You have to move out. Get the cheapest lodgings you can and see how she copes without you. She is taking you for a mug and it sounds like she despises you. She will want that divorce as soon as you are no longer of any use to her.

Don't put yourself through it. You are torturing yourself. Move out, get support from friends, family, groups, online, hobbies or sports groups. Just start engaging with the world again and start making an independent life for yourself.

Living as you are now is slowly and painfully hurting you and your daughter.

You say she wants you to stay in the home so there's isn't really any change to you tho is there ? There has been no relationship for five years anyway so I don't see what will be different

@Skyla2005

You say she wants you to stay in the home so there's isn't really any change to you tho is there ? There has been no relationship for five years anyway so I don't see what will be different

There has been a relationship, just because we don’t states true same bed doesn’t mean we head a relationship. At times it was a loving relationship and up until a month ago I thought we were ok.

states true same bed Don’t know why that changed from sleep in the same bed. Autocorrect

@WallaceinAnderland

It's sounds like she wants you around for childcare and whatever financial contribution you make. She might as well replace you with a lodger.

You have to move out. Get the cheapest lodgings you can and see how she copes without you. She is taking you for a mug and it sounds like she despises you. She will want that divorce as soon as you are no longer of any use to her.

Don't put yourself through it. You are torturing yourself. Move out, get support from friends, family, groups, online, hobbies or sports groups. Just start engaging with the world again and start making an independent life for yourself.

Living as you are now is slowly and painfully hurting you and your daughter.

If she despised me I think she would be a lot worse so your wrong there

@Triffid1

I have to agree with *@JustKittenAround* and a PP who said that really, the time to fix this ws 5 years ago when things started going bad. Your wife is not treating you well here but i do have to wonder what has happened over the last 5 or more years. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh but if this level of apathy and inability to DO anything is standard, she might just be exhausted by it. You clearly adored her but were you her partner or her puppy dog?

You need to formally separate. If your daughter is in final year of school thens surely you don't even have to be there while your wife works nights. If you have to sell the house, then so be it. Move on and give both yourself and your wife a chance at happiness.

So you think leaving a 15 year old on her own all night is fine??? Wow guess I see it differently

@Sw05

P.S my wife won’t even think about selling the house so as we have a child I don’t have a leg to stand on.

You can make her sell it. It's not her decision. Do you think your daughter thinks you're a happy family ? You're crying all the time and sleeping on the sofa ?

15 is fine at least where I’m from. But then, most by that age have parents who give us the skills and knowledge to be given that trust. Not getting that vibe from you as a parent though…

Also I wouldn’t trust you to look after her because you’ve obviously got some mental stuff going on and having just told us all you tried to commit suicide recently… you’re not exactly the type I would trust to be a rational decision maker.

But maybe we see that differently as well?

Anyway stop using your daughter as an excuse to stay in this unhealthy situation. It’s not good for anyone involved. Or go ahead and be used and abused. Zip up the wife’s dress before she goes out on dates with new men if you want.

Just… I wanted better for a stranger on the internet, but your holding on to this state like it’s goals. Good luck.

@JustKittenAround

15 is fine at least where I’m from. But then, most by that age have parents who give us the skills and knowledge to be given that trust. Not getting that vibe from you as a parent though…

Also I wouldn’t trust you to look after her because you’ve obviously got some mental stuff going on and having just told us all you tried to commit suicide recently… you’re not exactly the type I would trust to be a rational decision maker.

But maybe we see that differently as well?

Anyway stop using your daughter as an excuse to stay in this unhealthy situation. It’s not good for anyone involved. Or go ahead and be used and abused. Zip up the wife’s dress before she goes out on dates with new men if you want.

Just… I wanted better for a stranger on the internet, but your holding on to this state like it’s goals. Good luck.

Hang on I didn’t come on here to get abuse and slagged off. Who the hell do you think you are bad mouthing me? Don’t you dare slag me off about my parenting, I’ve been a parent for 27 years and I’m going through an emotional situation. I would never put my children in any dangerous situation nor would I ever harm them. It’s people like you who stop people from speaking about mental issues because they get treated this way. I came on here to talk and get opinions and not to be slagged off by some unknown. I won’t bother coming on here again for help and advice. I also hope you don’t have to go through something like this and try to reach out but get this kind of comment