Wife no longer loves me

[Sw05]

Hi, I get this is for mums but from a male point of view I need a different perspective on this. My wife no longer wants to be with me as a couple but wants me to stay at the family home to keep some sort of family normality. It’s breaking my heart and I tried a few weeks ago to take an overdose as I can’t bear to not be with my wife who I love more than life itself and adore her. Before this situation was told to me I’d been sleeping on the sofa for the past 5 years because my wife enjoys her sleep and because she goes to bed really early I tend to stay up late as I’m not a great sleeper so I agreed to sleep on the sofa. Obviously there no sex, passion cuddles or kisses and it has for the last five years been so difficult and frustration has set in. I don’t push for affection or intermarry as my wife shuts down and say she feels pressured so I have avoided the issue to do as she wishes. Some stuff has gone on at work and I’ve been falsely accused of something which I know nothing about, now my wife says there’s no trust and she can’t carry on our relationship anymore. I’m completely devastated and have now become so depressed and so low. I wake up and within minutes I’m in tears, my wife is my best friend and my soulmate and as I said I totally love and adore her but it’s only ever been 1 way, she finds it difficult to show her love and affection towards me and it breaks my heart thinking we won’t be together anymore. I’m now on antidepressants, I never thought I could feel this low, all I’ve ever wanted was to be with my wife and live a long and happy life with the woman I love I thought I had everything but in 4 weeks I’ve gone from being happy, loving my job have a wife who I’m proud to be with to now rock bottom and alone depressed, upset,alone and worthless. I just don't know what to do anymore. I’ve given her space and she is away at the moment with my daughter. On a short break just the 2 of them (this break was booked before all this happened) Sorry this is a long message BUT I’m just reaching out for anyone who can help.
Thank you

Can you speak to acas about your work situation? Are you in the union?Is there something that can be done? You may have been unfairly dismissed if there’s no evidence you did whatever it was?

Re your wife, I don’t understand what you mean re:
“ I don’t push for affection or intermarry as my wife shuts down and say she feels pressured so I have avoided the issue to do as she wishes”.

“Intermarry” is that meant to say “intercourse”?

That sounds like she’s told you it’s over but you haven’t taken it in and you’ve asked for affection or sex or whatever in the past and she’s not up for it, possibly as she sees you more like a brother than a partner. Or because she’s got no sex drive nowadays and presumes that you’ll want that and she just isn’t interested. It could be she loves you but just doesn’t want anything intimate. That could be for a number of reasons. Women’s hormones change. That can mess us right up.

Your antidepressants should kick in over the next three weeks and should make you feel much better by week 4.

Keep speaking to a councillor as you need and the Samaritans are always available.

It’s always darkest before the dawn.

If you got your job back or a better job you could be feeling much happier soon. Then you can decide what to do regarding your relationship.

You have a child so you want to be around for them, to see them grow up etc.

It could be that things can be improved at home in due course. I’d concentrate on the job situation and the meds first as nothings really changed at home in the past five years so it’s stable. Once you’ve got your job back it a new job you can deal with the relationship side of things then.

Tittyfilarious81
Sorry I must not have been clear, I sleep on the sofa and have for 5 years but the odd occasion we were intimate but was only like a couple of times a year

AS shows that this has been going on for a long time, along with your job problems.

You need to do something about it. And that, really, means you do need to leave your wife. However, given the monetary side of things, I'd say that means you need to sell the family home so that you can both move on.

You can't save your marriage - your wife has made it very clear that she no longer wants a relationship with you (beyond that of a housemate).

What's happened with your job? The issue you referred to was two years ago now, so surely something has been resolved?

Sorry - the job issue was one year ago, not two.

OP - are you trying to hang on more now because of whatever is happening with your job?
By that I mean does it seem very much like it’s all you have at the moment?
Because pretending for the rest of your life isn’t feasible and will bring you even further down.
Glad you are getting counselling- keep at it!
I’m sorry it’s so tough

I felt like this about my ex husband OP, thought he was my soul mate, couldn't imagine life without him, tried suicide twice because I was so unhappy.
The day arrived when I finally realised that he was none of those things because my soul mate wouldn't treat me like trash, be entirely self centered, use me for my money and home while doing exactly what he wanted.
Finally he left and although it was awful at the beginning I began to start feeling alive again after about a year, made loads of new friends and realised how easy life was when I no longer had him to constantly please, o more clearing up around him, no more going on holiday to European cities which I hated, I'm a country girl, no more working my whole life round his hobbies.
It took me a good long time but life is most definitely so much better now.
It's over, you need to accept that and start again - it will be ok.

BIWI
It’s been 4 weeks so not sure where you getting a year from???

Blue4YOU
No it’s not because of my job I’m hanging on it’s because I don’t want my marriage to be over.

From this thread:

Suspended on full pay (4 Posts)
Add message | Report | Message poster | Quote Sw05 Wed 19-Aug-20

That was another situation which was because I whistleblew

OP I am so sorry for how things have transpired for you. But you have your children and if for no reason other than them, you must go on. You have been living a fake life, one where you convinced yourself you were in a happy marriage because you wanted that to be true. The truth is bracing and incredibly painful but ultimately, it is better to be living in reality. The worst has happened and you have survived and will survive.

theleafandnotthetree
Thank you

@Sw05 as a pp said your wife wasn't your soul mate. Soul mates do not cause harm and distress to their partners they love and cherish them. Your wife has said loud and clear that she doesn't want to be your wife. No one should be asked to do what she's asked of you, it is unreasonable to expect you to be able to play pretend like this.

Now what you need to do is move forward, make an appointment with a divorce specialist solicitor and take with you details of the assets you both have. This includes the following

Approximate value of property,
Current mortgage outstanding,
Monies in savings accounts (joint and individual accounts,
Any other savings or investments,
Details of any other assets (cars, expensive jewellery etc),
Value of pension funds if known,
Also details of current wages.

Find out how things stand financially and start working out a way to split up amicably.

It feels like the end of the world at this point in time but it really isn't. Somewhere out there is someone who will want to be in a proper partnership with you, to sleep in the bed next to you, to spend their life with you. You need to let go of this relationship which has become toxic to be able to move on.

Please believe me, things can’t go on like this for you.
Been on my own 20 yrs not choice, tho it’s better than being with ex an emotional bully, an Aspergers son, and another son.
He told me I’d never get a job, was useless , called me tubby, I left him, and my 8 and yr old as he wouldn’t leave me, I was 37.
Money wise it all worked out, great friends, family, loving cat and early retirement at 59.
Life is good.
Take care, be bold and free, it’s tough and it hurts, worth it yes

You can’t save your marriage on your own, your wife doesn’t want a H, she wants a flat mate. It sounds like your wife wants to emotionally move on whilst not wanting the inconvenient and hardship of a financial split.

Your marriage is over and has been for sometime, saving your marriage is no longer an option open to you. Your choices are to continue hiding in an unsatisfactory platonic relationship or to be brave and to stop living a lie.

Nothing has to happen right away but your mh will continue to be affected if you don’t accept that your marriage is over.

I’m glad you’ve got the support of a counsellor.

Years ago I was in this situation. We agreed to stay together for a year until our child completed his education. Big mistake. I assumed that we would treat each other fairly and well in that year. He did not. My family members who were not aware noticed his changed behaviour as did our child. However more than 10 years on I’m happy and have moved on. So can you

Also if your daughter is 17/18 then I’m sure she has noticed that her parents aren’t affectionate to each other and her Dad sleeps on the sofa.
I’m sorry to say that your marriage is over and realistically you will have to plan to live separately. You will be entitled to some of the equity in the house if you are both named on the mortgage.

I assume your wife thinks that the work situation is your fault and that's why she doesn't trust you?

The point is that the relationship has irrevocably broken down. She had made it clear she does not want you as her husband/partner/lover. That's her right. But it is your right to move on so there is no reason to stay living int he house, sleeping on the sofa. It's time to have a tough conversation with her about how you separate. If, financially, it's not possible for you to separate and for one of you to stay in the house, then so be it, you will need to sell the house. It's not ideal and it will be hard, but that has to be better than living like this.

Op I'm terribly sorry you are struggling it sounds utterly miserable.

It also sounds like you have been giving too much to everyone around you but yourself. You are important too. You have been putting everything towards your wife but not getting anything back off her, no wonder you are feeling so empty and low. We can't run on empty OP.

At the same time, you also can't force a relationship with someone. It sounds like she has checked out of the relationship. There is only one way to rectify this, and it is to leave, however painful as it is. She's being so so so selfish expecting you to stay on the family home, that's for her needs. Not yours. There is no care there from her towards you. You deserve better. Your family will suffer more if you stay because you are going to be miserable and your children will know this, it will bleed in to them. It will also prevent you from finding someone who loves you. Please don't deny yourself that.

Please start to consider yourself here. Sleeping on the couch is no good, you deserve a bed and a partner who loves you. Not this. Everyone needs love and affection, everyone. Everyone deserves love and affection. Even you. We can't give out so much love for so long and not get it back in return. It's time to start putting yourself first here, that's the way forward now.

Please make sure you are still accessing mental health support and looking after yourself. And keep talking if you need to vent. There is a way out. There is a happiness, lots of it still in your future. There is love and plenty of it. But you need to start putting your needs first now.

Don't move out of the house! Call a family (divorce) lawyer today and arrange a consultation. You have to accept that the marriage is over even though it is incredibly painful. Don't blame yourself for what has happened. Life will get better and you are entitled to a share of the family assets which will set you up for a better life for you and your daughter when she is with you which could be as much as 50:50.

Have you contacted acas about being sacked for whistleblowing?

It could be that you were unfairly dismissed and can get your job back or compensation. My friend got a years worth of pay after a tribuneral.

It’s worth looking into. That and your health are your priorities. Then look at the relationship situation.

It sounds like your marriage has been effectively dead for years, just that it's been ratified by your wife telling you explicitly so recently. I doubt very much that it's recoverable, your wife has made up her mind. Living together as friends will eat you up inside (she's already over the relationship and doesn't care, she just wants the convenience of having you around for company and not having to divide up the marital assets by divorcing).

Going against the grain though, I'd wait it out for 6 months or so if you possibly can. Let your daughter get her exams out of the way and then start divorce proceedings. Don't tell your wife now, just go along with it, otherwise the cohabiting idea will turn to shit straight away. You'll need to be strong, to put a brave face on it, but play the long game if you can.

[quote Tittyfilarious81]@Sw05 I'm sorry you feel like this op you mentioned in your post that there has been no intamacy or sex for 5 years did this stop suddenly or just gradually decline ?[/quote]
Gradually declined. Now she is back from her short holiday and barely spoke to me, no hug nothing. I’m conceding to this marriage and realise that I’m wasting my time wanting this to work when clearly she doesn’t. I deserve to be happy and if it isn’t with the woman I thought was going to be by my side forever then there will only be one outcome. Live alone then I can’t be hurt anymore. Thank everyone for your comments, some were blunt but it was an opinion. Cheers

You have a lot going on. I say the following having been very very low when dumped and not even by a long term partner! So no judgment.

My only advice is to get your head right. Would you find yourself attractive right now? Would you want to hug someone that you were dumping?

She’s already thought about all this. She is miles and miles ahead of you emotionally in dealing with it all. She is resolute and even if she acts like there is a “maybe” it really isn’t. You can’t convince someone to love you.

What you can do is realize your valuable to your family. Realize you have real worth. Realize there is a woman you haven’t even met whose life you will make complete.

Your worth and happiness shouldn’t rest upon this unworthy or unappreciative head. It’s unhealthy.

Somewhere in all this you lost yourself and now you get to find who you are again. You were never going to reach your full potential in a life wondering if your partner loves you, and always trying to win them over.

Be respectful and stop trying to make it work. It isn’t going to if you do that. You gotta get right. Trust me. Your more attractive when you start working on you and stop begging. You can do it. You have to. Or else that future partner won’t ever have you to bring joy into her life…

Im not begging her to make this work and as for someone else out there I’m done with relationships. I’m never putting myself into any relationship why waste anymore of my life trying to please someone else when I get hurt in the end. 22 years we been together and she can turn her back on me just like that. No I’m not wanting another partner EVER my wife was my only partner and no one else will take her place so guess I’m on my own from now on