If you’re a selfish person, are you a good parent?

[bridepanic]

I’m considering whether I want to have children or not, and wanted to canvas some opinions on a specific concern I have. Please bear with me - I’m about to be very honest and harsh with myself.

I’m a very self-centered person. I don’t know how else to describe it! Throughout my life I really have had to fight against a base instinct of selfishness, which isn’t necessarily born of nastiness but mostly out of a feeling that my feeling and happiness is the most important thing. I put myself before others, although I am a very good daughter and friend and partner - it’s something I’ve worked hard to be and my fiancé and best friends have really helped me get over myself a bit in my adult life! Despite this, my basic nature is to put myself before others, including the ones I love. I’m an only child who had very loving, time-rich parents and I think probably I never really got over feeling like the most important person in their universe.

Anyway - all this character assassination to say - I don’t know if I will be able to parent if my core personality is so me-focussed. Does anyone have any experience of this, either themselves or their partners? Will I feel happier putting my children before myself, might it come naturally to me in a way it never has before? Other than this I actually would quite like children, and my fiancé would be an incredible father as he is the MOST selfless person I have ever met, and would balance me out on that front. Is that enough? I don’t want to be a crap parent, and my fiancé is quite confident that I wouldn’t have this problem if we actually had kids because I’d experience that selfless parental love. Might this be true?

my fiancé is quite confident that I wouldn’t have this problem if we actually had kids because I’d experience that selfless parental love. Might this be true?

In short, no.

One of the reasons I chose not to have children was that I was afraid of not being able to prioritise a child's wants and needs over my own.

I have never, ever regretted that decision.

Interesting question and I think a lot of us worry about the huge life changes that come along with having children.

I wonder what makes you say that you actually would quite like children, despite the fact that so much of being a parent involves putting your own needs second? (And that is just a fact. You will sometimes not have a choice - it will be required).

What is it about having children that you think you would like?

Many of us have certain selfish reasons for having children, like companionship, a legacy, someone to be around when we're old etc., but you have to be realistic with yourself.

It involves a lot of sacrifice and I have known some unhappy people (parents and children) where the parents were unable or unwilling to make those sacrifices.

Sure, they muddle through like everyone does, but it's not the same quality of relationship as someone who is able to be a bit less self-centred and put their children's needs first. If you truly feel you are a selfish person and won't be able to put a child's needs first, what do you feel you will gain by having children?

At least you recognise that you are selfish and try to counteract it.

There are so many ways to be a good parent and it is not always ideal to prioritise a child over yourself.

This now seems to be the default but, just a few decades ago, adults always came first and children second.

Of course the danger is that you are vicariously selfish through your child and bring them up to be very selfish and entitled themselves.

But, there are very few perfect parents (if any) so, if you want a child, I would go for it.

My father was a selfish arse.
He was a terrible parent.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

my fiancé is quite confident that I wouldn’t have this problem if we actually had kids because I’d experience that selfless parental love. Might this be true?

In short, no.

I agree that this probably isn't true.

You might have a change of heart, but you can't bring a life into the world on that assumption. What if you don't?

You are talking about creating a living breathing human being. You don't take a gamble on that.

It sounds like your partner badly wants children and so is trying to justify it, but you need to be realistic with yourself - you know yourself better than anyone.

It's not selfish to want to put yourself first. You also don't sound selfish if you regularly fight the nlinstinct to to do so. You ARE the most important thing (to you) so you should put your needs first. Also - without your needs being met, how can you meet other peoples needs? You cannot pour from an empty cup afterall.

As for kids, I'm sure you would treat them the same as you do others already, by making the conscious effort, when required, to be selfless.

What's that harry potter quote- it's our choices who show who we trully are.

However, if you are also a strong, independent sort who struggles when her need for ...Well, whatever her need is for, is not met...then I personally, wouldn't... aim for having kids. I think you'll struggle more than most and resent that someone else constantly needs their needs met before you.

I say you should focus on other dreams, you sound like you have the confidence in yourself to do great things. And if kids happen further down the line, they happen. But I thibk some people are better suited to other ways of life.

I guess I could be called a selfish person or self-centred, as, like you, I do have that feeling that my happiness is number one however I would say that I am NOT a selfish parent, I am a great mum! I know it, and I know my teenagers would absolutely agree.

I thought I would become less selfish when I had a child. I didn't. It was very disappointing. It didn't mean I didn't do my best for ds at least some of the time, and I think I'm a good enough parent, but it did make it harder.

The love is very strong, though certainly not immediate for me, but you can't help noticing that babies don't rely on love - they rely on screaming the place down until you do something about it. That noise is specially unbearable to parents, I don't really notice it any more. If you put the hours in, you get to know what the baby needs and likes, and there's a reward cycle for the selfish as they are v cute when happy. It's also true that your baby's love for you is very magical and makes you feel good.

Im still not at all sorry that I had a baby, I wanted one and it was the right decision. But maternal selflessness is largely a myth propagated by people who think women should be at home

I think lots of people have children despite finding it hard to prioritise their children. I would think your financial situation might have an impact. People who are similar I would say manage if they can afford things like:
Cleaner
Gardener
Nursery even when not in work
Date nights
Babysitters
Gym membership with crèche
Holidays abroad with kids club
Take Aways

I think if you're short of cash you might find it harder as you won't be able to outsource those things. So you would be with baby or toddler 24/7.

I think it’s interesting you observe you’re selfish -most people claim they aren’t. We all have a level of self interest and it amuses me when people deny that. I often find people with children more selfish but they package it up as something for their children e.g. not working weekends, not working Christmas etc then they claim they aren’t selfish. Meanwhile leaving other people to do their own, as well ad this persons share of Saturdays, Christmas etc. Which most definitely is selfish

It’s good you’re reflecting about having children and what it entails. Rather than just going into it with your eyes shut

Have to say I'd lose respect for a partner spouting any of that 'maternal instinct' crap in order to convince me to have his mini me though.

I hope he listens and is supportive of your fears (and perfectly sensible concerns) rather than down playing them or waving them away as somehow irrelevant.

I bet he would not be do blasé if father's were the ones who had the babies and were traditionally the main caregivers.

You're already concerning yourself about their welfare and they've not even been conceived yet.

You're not as selfish as you think. You are you. Respect that, and you will raise children who respect themselves too. Lack of respect and feeling you have to change yourself are more concerning, here, I think, than selfishness.

I think this really tricky to judge from the outside to be honest - as only you know how strong your feelings are either way.

I know I am a good and loving mum to my teenagers, but I don't put their needs before mine all the time. Sometimes I judge my need or want to do something as a priority over their need or want to do something. I am a really confident person with pretty good self esteem, and I don't see myself as less important than anyone else in my family - we are all important and we can't all be number one all the time - so there is compromise.

The mothering instinct is really powerful and I would chuck myself in front of a bus to save them without hesitation - but I think its ok to not want to shelve all your wants and needs. If anything I think it can create issues for those children when they become adults and realise they are not the centre of the universe.

It might also be useful to keep in mind that it's not the case that unselfish people don't respect their own wants and needs:

Selfish people consider the needs of themselves.

Well balanced people consider the needs of themselves and others.

Looking after yourself doesn't mean you're selfish. The fact that this is even bothering you shows that you think of others' needs, as does the fact that you've been 'working on' this and are pleased to be doing well in relationships with others. A selfish person wouldn't even have thought of that stuff.

Ah, you'll be fine. Obvs don't know you, but you are worrying and checking first. You will love your child and so their happiness will be important to you. My experience is the so called selfless parent is a heavy burden on a child. Just be you, you'll be fine.

I think it’s less about your inherent nature and more about the choices you make. You sound very self aware and you have a desire for kids - I think you can make it work.

I have this concern too OP.

But... what kind of needs are we talking about? Can you give an example of when you’d prioritise yourself?

'What is it about having children that you think you would like?'

Very very important question to ask yourself, and to answer it with your eyes wide open

'Selfish' is a word with very negative connotations. To me, you sound very self-aware, pragmatic, and with a healthy sense of your own needs and wants. None of that is anything to be ashamed of. That said, being a parent is absolutely not for everyone. I have had periods of my life when I desperately longed to have a baby, but I knew that I would not have coped well with the reality. I have my wistful moments but I don't regret my decision not to have children. It's very important to me to have time and energy to devote to myself, my relationship and my friendships (yes, in that order!)

Please ditch any ideas about 'maternal love' turning you into a different (and by implication, better) person. It's far too big a gamble. Stay pragmatic

I worried about this before we had children, especially as the older we got the harder I found it to think about putting anyone else first.

But actually being selfish has made me a better parent. Don’t get me wrong, I put my children above all else but I don’t Martyr myself to my children and family. I do make sure to find time for myself, to do things that interest me. Because of that I am a better parent because I’m not burnt out and putting my needs last.

It’s not true, if your selfish you won’t put them first, being a parent doesn’t change that, as much as you would think that it does, truth is it doesn’t.

I think you're smart for considering this question.

I was raised by two exceedingly selfish people and I was in therapy for years as a result. I also had to do a lot of trauma healing (like EMDR).

So, my honest answer is I don't think you should reproduce unless you feel you have it in you to put someone else first for a long time.

@AlfonsoTheUnrepetant

One of the reasons I chose not to have children was that I was afraid of not being able to prioritise a child's wants and needs over my own.

I have never, ever regretted that decision.

Same here. Having children may well be not for you OP which is fine.

Here’s the thing: your kids are going to make themselves be the centre of the universe and you will have no choice.

It may actually make you unhappy (but not necessarily a bad parent).

You need to consider if you’ll regret it. It’s really tough being a mum even when you’ve worked in a very caring role beforehand.

It also depends what you mean by selfish. My parents did things that they wanted but which created a lot of trauma for their kids, because they simply didn't care about us.

If you're that level of selfish (you literally cannot deny yourself any impulse, whim or desire), then don't do it.