If you’re a selfish person, are you a good parent?

[bridepanic]

I’m considering whether I want to have children or not, and wanted to canvas some opinions on a specific concern I have. Please bear with me - I’m about to be very honest and harsh with myself.

I’m a very self-centered person. I don’t know how else to describe it! Throughout my life I really have had to fight against a base instinct of selfishness, which isn’t necessarily born of nastiness but mostly out of a feeling that my feeling and happiness is the most important thing. I put myself before others, although I am a very good daughter and friend and partner - it’s something I’ve worked hard to be and my fiancé and best friends have really helped me get over myself a bit in my adult life! Despite this, my basic nature is to put myself before others, including the ones I love. I’m an only child who had very loving, time-rich parents and I think probably I never really got over feeling like the most important person in their universe.

Anyway - all this character assassination to say - I don’t know if I will be able to parent if my core personality is so me-focussed. Does anyone have any experience of this, either themselves or their partners? Will I feel happier putting my children before myself, might it come naturally to me in a way it never has before? Other than this I actually would quite like children, and my fiancé would be an incredible father as he is the MOST selfless person I have ever met, and would balance me out on that front. Is that enough? I don’t want to be a crap parent, and my fiancé is quite confident that I wouldn’t have this problem if we actually had kids because I’d experience that selfless parental love. Might this be true?

I suppose that a good example would be that sometimes I can really see that my partner is taking on way too much of the emotional household labour (bills, life admin etc.) but I so don't want to take on any of it that I don't help in the way I should.

I find this interesting, because often it’s the other way round and men don’t really know how much their wife/girlfriend does (speaking broadly) - and this kind of stuff only increases after children. I think some women call it wifework. So in a way the fact that you don’t want to do more now will stand you in good stead if you do have children and you won’t fall in to the trap of doing everything.

I don't think your basic personality changes, no.

So in a way the fact that you don’t want to do more now will stand you in good stead if you do have children and you won’t fall in to the trap of doing everything
And just leave it all up to DH? That’s not really fair on him just because it’s one in the bank against prevailing sexism.

I have a friend who has always openly admitted to being a selfish person. When she had a child (just one), she turned out to be a fantastic parent, perhaps because she treated that child as an extension of herself. I think that actually you never can tell what type of parent you'll be. And that sometimes it's the most reluctant parents who turn out to be the best; maybe because they are more aware or conscientious about the burden of being a parent.

And just leave it all up to DH? That’s not really fair on him just because it’s one in the bank against prevailing sexism.

No to be fair I didn’t say that, I said she won’t end up doing everything by default, which often happens.

That doesn’t mean her DH should do everything.

The trait of selfishness, like any other human flaw isn't the point at issue imo. Its whether you can control your instincts to behave selfishly. I don't agree that the presence of your own child would necessarily result in a desire to put them first. It does for some, but its not guaranteed. They will need to be put first though, so the question is, can you live with that? Or would it make you miserable and resentful?

Hi OP. I’m the one who had children with a selfish person. His relationship is ok with his kids but they are very aware that “Daddy comes first” he doesn’t see it, thinks he’s a marvellous father, he really isn’t. I admire the fact that you have self awareness but while your DF may think he’s going to pick up the slack and maybe he will and things will be fine, it did nothing but build anger and resentment within me and our marriage died a death because of it.

I have three friends that openly state that they didn't have kids because they were selfish, and didn't want to de-prioritise themselves for kids.

I really applaud them for that self awareness.

Kids are emotional vampires and money pits. They're also the best things we ever did with our life, and we begrudge nothing - but if you don't really, really want 'em, think hard!

I always wince when I hear people say "my kids are my whole world". I don't agree with that. Kids come to live with you. They shouldn't grow up thinking the world revolves around them and that others will subjugate their own needs for them. It's not a good example to set. Only you will know just how "selfish" you are.

@5128gap

The trait of selfishness, like any other human flaw isn't the point at issue imo. Its whether you can control your instincts to behave selfishly. I don't agree that the presence of your own child would necessarily result in a desire to put them first. It does for some, but its not guaranteed. They will need to be put first though, so the question is, can you live with that? Or would it make you miserable and resentful?

This is absolutely 100% spot on!

You might find your selfishness makes you a better parent. For example if you want to succeed at work and enjoy the satisfied feeling of success, you stay late at work even though you might be tired. If you want to have the good feeling of being a good parent, then you may find you go quite a way to put yourself out for your kids.

I am selfish. I give myself the best cut of meat. I put what I want on tv. I book holidays that I'll enjoy and expect dh to join regardless. He's naturally a giver. I'm a taker. I don't mean to be , and I ensure I give too, and equally (otherwise I'd be an abuser) - but it's conscious giving and , frankly, in the knowledge of exchange. Whereas dh gives with no expectation.

I'm a good parent I think. Although as a result of my selfishness my children share my hobbies. Because I love food and theatre they do. They tried to love other stuff but I don't so we don't commit time to it(see gymnastics and football)

We laugh a lot and have a great life. My children are happy and successful. And my favourite people.

As a selfish person I second learning to drive. I drive but only when I want to. Dh drives 100% of the time if we are in a car together. But it's great being able to drive when he's not there. Also- breastfeeding. I breast fed both and as it was easy for me, it meant that I do that whilst dh did all the crap stuff. He changed the nappies and got up to bring the babies to me at night and I got away with staying half asleep and having cuddles whilst they fed ( although i understand that this is dependent upon whether bf comes easily to you) having dh bring me biscuits and tea in day because I "must be exhausted feeding all the time" suited me just fine.

“I can really see that my partner is taking on way too much of the emotional household labour (bills, life admin etc.) but I so don't want to take on any of it that I don't help in the way I should. He also does all the driving, because I have no interest in learning to drive, despite him asking me to to help out.“

I don’t see why you are even getting married when you can’t contribute enough to achieve a mutual, reciprocal, kind and respectful partnership with another adult.

And you are aware of this?

@CarolynMartens

I have this concern too OP.

But... what kind of needs are we talking about? Can you give an example of when you’d prioritise yourself?

I think this is a question that gets to the heart of it because not all types of selfishness are the same.

I don't think I'm selfish on a macro level. I'm not materialistic, I don't vote for my financial interests, I campaign and fight in my professional life for marginalised people. I care much more about society in a wider sense than about me and mine.

On a day-to-day level I'm selfish. I'm quite lazy, I don't like shifting my arse if I'm doing something I like, I like deciding my time and space. I do things when I please not when someone else decides they need doing and I'm happy to sack them off whenever. I would absolutely prioritise my hobbies over cleaning up after a baby, just like the awful DHs I read about on here. I understand all that's fairly incompatible with being a parent so is one of the many reasons I'm not one.

Which kind of selfish are you OP?

For us it works. Honestly, when it really matters, then i have no problem putting my children first. I love them with all my heart and would do anything for them.
I even think my selfishness is turning my children into very independent little people. I never do stuff for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. They are 5 and 7. When they wake up in the morning on weekends they quietly go downstairs and make themselves breakfast. They get dressed without being asked. They remember to brush their teeth after eating. When they want a snack, then they ask me if they can have one and if i say yes they prepare it themselves whether im doing chores or reading a book. I obviously do these things for them sometimes, but if they want something and i dont really feel like it i just tell them to do it themselves.
Honestly when i see some of my friends run after their kids wiping their bottoms at the age of 6 or even 7, im exhausted just watching them.
One of my friends told me the other day that her 7 year old wakes her at 6 every day and refuses to let her sleep a bit longer unless she puts him in front of the tv. So every weekend he watches a couple hours of tv before anyone gets up. I dont understand why he cant just read or play in his room. I love playing with my children, taking them out and spending time with them. But sometimes i just want “me time” and they are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves.

I'm a selfish person and a parent.
It's a matter of putting your natural desire to one side, a lot of the time, for a long time.
I'm also of the opinion, though, that it's not necessary to run my whole life around what my boy needs, and it does him good to have some self reliance.
Perhaps that is just how I justify my selfishness, though.

I think there are worse traits.
I don't make him do endless activities, I would never, ever put him in an abusive situation, and he isn't under constant scrutiny or pressure.

The parents I know who struggle the most with the relentless nature of parenting small children are the self centred/selfish ones.

It doesn't mean they can't be good parents, they just find it harder.

My ExH is extremely selfish and always has been. He is a good father in many ways, but oh my God I have to pick up the pieces from his selfishness so regularly. He is loving to our DS and fun and takes him on amazing days out and holidays (that HE wants to go on. Because HE wants to) but he fails to recognise what DS truly needs regularly. DS adores him but I’ve had to do a lot of compensating. So it’s a yes and no for exH really.

My current partner’s ex is very selfish too and is the worst parent I have ever encountered. Truly awful. Has resented their child ever since he was born and has been abusive to the child for years because of that resentment and inability to put the self centredness to one side. Based on this I would say that it’s not a great idea to have children if you know that you will struggle with this.

So I don't think I am a selfish person. My DC are much older 15&17. I am on leave this week. So far I didn't go to Spain as it would have meant leaving DH with the kid's at the end of term, which didn't seem fair. On Saturday afternoon I drove a 3hr round trip to drop them at friend's houses so they could have a good Saturday night. On Sunday I did the reverse and gave the hungover 17yo some food before he played football, then I drove him home. Last night I went to get pizza for Dd and her bf as they didn't want the Chinese that was being delivered, I didn't have a drink with my delicious takeaway so I could drive her by home later. Before anyone jumps on me DH is away staying with his elderly DM, who didn't want the teenagers because of Covid. Do I mind this stuff ? not really it is their half term they have a had a rubbish time of it lately. I suppose on some level I feel I've had my turn. I'm just pointing out that it isn't just 0-5 that requires sacrifice.

What experience do you have with taking care of something else besides yourself? Have you had a pet?

I've seen selfishness and it really doesn't go away.

Examples:
Parents keeping their overly tired children out late at night because of something the parents want to do.
Parents are quick to buy things for themselves, but the children are going around in old shoes a size too small.
Single parents bringing horrible new partners around at the expense of their children.
Using older children to babysit.
Insisting that their child is the exact replica of them. Child wants to play violin. Parent won't let them. They have to play the tuba because their father did.

In answer to a few people asking how I'm selfish... I suppose that a good example would be that sometimes I can really see that my partner is taking on way too much of the emotional household labour (bills, life admin etc.) but I so don't want to take on any of it that I don't help in the way I should.
My stbxh could have written this. He's a selfish father, it's not good for our DC, it really isn't. There is no way that I can adequately make up for that. I never felt he was like that before we had out DC, he wasn't obviously selfish, you're saying even before having DC you're not willing to share the load. Have you ever considered your DC might have SEN? Mine do, you give and give. How would you cope in that situation?

@MynameisJune

I worried about this before we had children, especially as the older we got the harder I found it to think about putting anyone else first.

But actually being selfish has made me a better parent. Don’t get me wrong, I put my children above all else but I don’t Martyr myself to my children and family. I do make sure to find time for myself, to do things that interest me. Because of that I am a better parent because I’m not burnt out and putting my needs last.

Yes, this. I'm selfish in that I refuse to be a martyr, because my feelings are important and not the bottom of the heap by virtue of being female. I wondered too whether I'd be too selfish to have children, but you know what? I'm a good parent, and I have a fab son. I think it's partly because I don't put up with other people's crap and the weight of family expectations that has helped me be so. He's grown up to understand that no, he doesn't always come first, sometimes other people have more pressing needs. As in life.

My sister is a selfish person. She is also a deeply committed and loving mother - her children have sort of come into her bubble of selfishness, if that makes sense, so she is as selfish for their needs as she is for her own.

Now they are reaching adulthood that has its own problems as it is hard for her to let go, but that is a bit of a long term worry. I agree with your fiance, I think you will experience parental love to an extent that you will love your children as much as yourself. No guarantees though!