If you’re a selfish person, are you a good parent?

[bridepanic]

I’m considering whether I want to have children or not, and wanted to canvas some opinions on a specific concern I have. Please bear with me - I’m about to be very honest and harsh with myself.

I’m a very self-centered person. I don’t know how else to describe it! Throughout my life I really have had to fight against a base instinct of selfishness, which isn’t necessarily born of nastiness but mostly out of a feeling that my feeling and happiness is the most important thing. I put myself before others, although I am a very good daughter and friend and partner - it’s something I’ve worked hard to be and my fiancé and best friends have really helped me get over myself a bit in my adult life! Despite this, my basic nature is to put myself before others, including the ones I love. I’m an only child who had very loving, time-rich parents and I think probably I never really got over feeling like the most important person in their universe.

Anyway - all this character assassination to say - I don’t know if I will be able to parent if my core personality is so me-focussed. Does anyone have any experience of this, either themselves or their partners? Will I feel happier putting my children before myself, might it come naturally to me in a way it never has before? Other than this I actually would quite like children, and my fiancé would be an incredible father as he is the MOST selfless person I have ever met, and would balance me out on that front. Is that enough? I don’t want to be a crap parent, and my fiancé is quite confident that I wouldn’t have this problem if we actually had kids because I’d experience that selfless parental love. Might this be true?

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

Once your selfless partner has a baby to care for, rather than another adult, it is quite likely that they will devote most of their energy to the baby/child. That change will be permanent and can profoundly effect the dynamics of your relationship. Something to be aware of.

I do worry about not being Number 1 for him anymore, to be honest. I know that’s pathetic, but it’s definitely part of this worry.

@Marelle

I’m incredibly selfish. But my DS is basically part of me. My hair, my eyes. We eat the same stuff because he’s been raised on my cooking. We like the same things because he’s spent years watching what I watch on tv, going places I go and doing stuff that I do. My selfishness now includes me and him, we are a package. It’s hard to explain but things that would normally be a sacrifice if I had to do them for someone else, aren’t, because I’m doing them for my own child, which is basically the same as doing them for myself. I still don’t give a crap about anyone except us two.

I think that's far from unusual -- your individual selfishness simply expands to encapsulate your child or children.

@bridepanic, I'm not sure I'd consider being the sole focus of your parents' attention necessarily a good thing. We also have an adored only child, but I think our philosophy as parents is more than there are three of us in the family whose needs have to be considered DS's certainly don't always come first, and I think that's a good thing. What I'm saying is that you don't need to parent the way you were parented I certainly don't, and part of the reason I've chosen to have one child is not to replicate the 'treat your large family like an amorphous group, with no individual attention and not quite enough space/love/food to go round' that was pretty much my parents' style.

@bridepanic the entry of a child into a happy and well-established relationship certainly takes some negotiating, it's true. I know I struggled at first as I suppose we retriangulated so that it wasn't a duo anymore, but a trio where either of the two adult parties would willingly throw the other under a bus for the third. But that in itself is also bonding your partner is the only other person in the world who is quite as interested in and bonded to your child as you are.

You’ll be fine. I sound pretty much the same as you. Im a nice person but I do put myself first. However I always put my daughter first now (where appropriate), I found myself amazed when she was born how I was naturally doing it. Things like sitting uncomfortably for an hour as she was sleeping on me

I think it is v emotionally intelligent of you to review / reassess how you were parented and in many ways the apparent indulgence by your own mother is quite self serving and selfish.

I don't think I would base having a child on weather you are self centred really. I guess we all can OP.

Do you want kids? Do you get broody?

Do you have ever look after anyone else's children?

I agree with PP who have said your selfishness extends to your child as they are part of you and an extension of yourself/in your bubble so to speak.

You do things for your child that you wouldn't dream of doing for others.

@Tee20x

I agree with PP who have said your selfishness extends to your child as they are part of you and an extension of yourself/in your bubble so to speak.

You do things for your child that you wouldn't dream of doing for others.

This only works if that child is genuinely and authentically very similar to you …. if you haven’t invested emotionally to attune to your unique child and attend to their needs / differences that’s a very ugly place to grow up as a child.

Will I feel happier putting my children before myself, might it come naturally to me in a way it never has before?

I think my answer to this is that it may come naturally (putting them before yourself), but it may not make you happier.

Oh yeah my DH is pretty damn selfless, means he devotes most of this to our DD. Definitely had an impact on our relationship, but I’ve accepted that I’m not number 1 anymore and tbh thats how it should be.

I am suspicious of ‘selfless’ people. I think it is not necessarily the unambiguous positive it’s often presented as.

@Clandestin

I am suspicious of ‘selfless’ people. I think it is not necessarily the unambiguous positive it’s often presented as.

I completely agree.

C.S.Lewis really opened my eyes many years back with his book "The Four Loves" with his sketch of that martyred, self-sacrificing mother love- he showed that it only inflicted misery all around and was, in fact, not love at all.

I wish I still had a paper copy so I could post the relevant bit, because he put it a lot better than that.

It's good that you are asking yourself these questions and not jumping in with your eyes closed. You have been quite honest:

my partner is taking on way too much of the emotional household labour (bills, life admin etc.) but I so don't want to take on any of it that I don't help in the way I should

This isn't fair on him at all - even without children. There are countless posts on here from people who are in your partner's position and end up over-tired, resentful and go off their partner in the end. It simply isn't fair. If you have children, you will have to pick up your fair share. And don't underestimate what that entails. Your comments about reading a book and making a lovely Christmas - I totally understand why they are attractive to you, but a lot of parenting is doing things you don't want to do - or at least you don't want to do them in that moment.

I love being a parent but boy there were times when I just wanted to have 5 minutes to myself. Or a bath without spectators. Being able to go to the toilet without someone following me. A night out at the drop of a hat. Stay late at work when there's a deadline without having to make 6 phone calls organising it. To read a new bedtime story and not the one we've had EVERY NIGHT for the past 3 weeks. To lay in on a Sunday morning. To read a magazine.

If you are selfish, then when you have children you will have to become unselfish very quickly, or you will rely unfairly on your DP (which will have an impact on your relationship).

By the way - you are miles ahead of those people who give it no thought, or don't think they are selfish but are. You are aware, and mindful, which is good.

You're self aware
You've experienced loving parenting
You have good support from partner and friends
You'll be FINE!!
Your baby will be /is part of you, your selfishness will include them as they are you! And a doting /OTT parent is better than an absent one.

No parent is perfect
I personally get irritated if my kids are still downstairs past 8pm because that is 'grown up time'/MY time... equally don't wake me before 6am if you want a mother in a good mood - not nice but true. My kids are loving, kind and bright, they respect me I respect them it's all ok.

We're all selfish in ways and anyone who says otherwise is talking rubbish.

I need my space and my me-time and I value and guard my freedom to go wherever & do whatever I want when I’m not at work. I am not a martyr or a servant to anyone or anything and I don’t want to be. If some people think these traits make me selfish, so be it.

These are some of the many reasons why I decided that I would not make a good parent and that trying to be would end badly,so I decided to opt out. Now, in my 50s and very happily childfree I have no regrets at all. Being a parent is not the be-all & end-all and it is not for everyone.

It's fine to parent with boundaries.
Sometimes the unselfish parents set themselves up for trouble by being too available, too attached. It makes for weird, clingy kids and miserable parents.

I am suspicious of ‘selfless’ people. I think it is not necessarily the unambiguous positive it’s often presented as.
Yes, it's often highly dysfunctional. A failure to set boundaries shows a lack of self-esteem.

That's interesting what you say about your own upbringing, OP. My DSis and her DH are a little like your parents, both working very part time. DDis didn't work at all till the DC were well into secondary. I'm sometimes envious of them when I've got worries about childcare, the commute, work pressures etc. But I think it will be better for me when DD starts to grow up because I will have more life of my own. Also I find my job interesting and rewarding on the whole, so I'm glad to be able to model that.

You could have described me literally. I'm like that, I'm an only child and have always been spoilt rotten by my parents and family. I always put my wishes and needs before others and am very self centred. I love talking about myself, doing things for myself.

However... I have a family now. I have a husband and two small children. It all came naturally and completely unexpectedly but I put my children first naturally always. I have to consciously remind myself all the time to eat all the delicious fruit and berries I buy because without thinking I leave them all for the kids. Haha.

Same about my husband. I love him and I put him first most of the time.

So I'd say go for it!

It is normal to consider one's own desires and needs, as long as you can balance those with the needs of others.

Parenting can sound very hard before you try it. Before I had mine, I remember asking a friend if she missed her freedom to go out etc and she said she just missed having time to herself. I didn't get what she meant until I had my first (and I work with children). As babies / toddlers they take up all the time you are in charge of their care and they are not asleep. As in, you can't necessarily do much else.

Then as they get older, you gradually get bits of time back. When my first went to nursery, I worked part time and on my days off planned exactly what I would do while she was there - to the minute almost.

When they get older that part is easier, but you may have concerns about their health, school performance, friendships, behaviour etc. You can't help but prioritise those if you care, whether you want to or not!

Now mine are late teens / 20s and I worry about their life choices, their mistakes and when things go wrong for them. I can take care of my needs most of the time but less so if there is a crisis for one of them.

I want them to be happy because that makes me happy. I enjoy their successes and feel for them when things go wrong.

They do affect your own choices and freedoms for many years but for me, there is an enormous satisfaction in having them in my life, even though it's not always been easy. I have never regretted having them. A life of ease and of pleasing myself at all times would seem empty by comparison.

Love this thread, very interesting.

There are degrees of selfishness OP. For a start, most selfish people would never think they are! You are wonderfully self aware.

I grew up with a selfish father. He always made time for his hobbies and we never went anywhere that was 'for children' as he hated it. He was only subject to his ILs for 4 days a year and used to to cycling the whole time! He's still selfish now, he doesn't want to see his grandchildren as he wants to do what he wants when he wants. But he doesn't enjoy young children at all, and never did.
You say you like children which is a healthy start.

I was a selfish person before I had DD. I did what I wanted, spent all my money on clothes and going out, had a hedonistic lifestyle and was a bit self obsessed.
As ridiculously twee as it may sound, DD has given life a new meaning. She's an extension of me, but her own person. I don't think I'm selfish anymore. I don't want to spend my time on me now, I want to spend it with her. I enjoy a 30minute run or a meal out childfree, but prefer being with her above anything.

I disagree that being a parent doesn't change your personality, how can it not? Maybe it's not the same for everyone. An old adage perhaps but I think mothers change more than fathers...they just do.
I think a lot of parents were selfish people before children, particularly in my circle of friends. It's sort of human nature, isn't it? If you don't have anyone else to consider you do put yourself first! The fact that you recognise it is actually quite radical, I wish I knew people like you!

I think you would be a good parent.
I wish you luck with your decision

I am a 'selfish' person. My ex thought I would turn into Mary Poppins once I'd given birth. I did not.

He thought I was a bad parent as he is the opposite type, and that ruined my own self of myself as a good parent for the first few years. Once we split up I saw that I am actually a very good parent (however if I've bought some v fancy chocolates I will eat more than my fair share behind my DDs back, because I am still selfish). However, being nice to your child often feels good, so even selfish people do it. The worst parents are those who are selfish, but can't see it in themselves. My worry for you would be more around your partners expectations that you will change (you won't) rather than your own capacity to care for a child.

You say you don't want to breastfeed because you'll be too tied to the baby - obviously your choice to breastfeed or not - but decision would appear to be that your instinct is to put your needs first, even when baby is tiny.

if you choose to bring a child into the world i think you need to prioritise its needs. there's no shame in not wanting to have a child, but if you're selfish you will resent your child and they will realise, and they will be unhappy, and you'll resent them even more for not admiring your sacrifice.

if you and your partner are not in agreement on such a key issue maybe it's time to rethink the relationship - if you have a child to keep him, you may end up resenting him, while if he is a hands on loving parent he will resent you for not sharing the parenting burden
it can seem to the parent doing the heavy lifting that the less engaged parent doesn't love their child as they feel they should, so more resentment and dislike and you could end up as the parent every other weekend - if you could accept that you would not be the primary parent/carer, because of how others would percieve you.

i think you really need to rethink having a child.