The Spookster

[spook]

Hi girls.Can't post on that one so it'll have to be this one!!! Phew-close one.

Hi Ponygirl.Thanks for checking in! Morning everyone XX

Morning Spook. You sound fairly upbeat this morning.

Maybe you need to get a bit more assertive with dick the prick and also perhaps get a little bit threatening yourself. How about sitting him down and saying that you can either do this the adult way or the childish way, with him trying to thwart you at every turn? All that will happen though, is that you will get what you want in the end, but will end up hating him totally and even more determined to remove the children as far from him as possible - and also, if the children see you getting stressed out because of his attitude, they may end up hating him too.

At the end of the day, the end of the marriage was his decision. The very least he can do is to make the process as painless for you as possible. Unless he is a completely selfish and pathetic tosspot.

Hello Freckle. I would if I could bear the thpought of sitting him down.TBH I don't ever really want to set eyes on him again. I love him too much and I need to wean myself off the bastard coz I am also deffo starting to hate him How strange the human mind.....
He knows deep down I will get what I want in the end. Had v interesting conversation with someone last night actually Freckle. Said they had friend who did this. Suddenly decide that this house,school etc was by far the best thing for my boys at the mo and I'm not shifting.I do however want it entirely in my name. Apparentley the judge can force this but obviously he continues to pay mortgage. As soon as this house is all mine THEN I can decide what my future holds. The problem being-the longer this faiancial dealoings take the less money there will be. He is in dire straits moneywise and soon enough there won't be any.

Faiancial dealoings obviously being financial dealings.
New keyboard+shit typing =faiancial dealoings

Spook, just wanted to say hi and sorry it's all revolting again. Ha ha at dick the prick, he certainly is.

Thing is, if he is in financial difficulties, the judge will not award you the house on the basis that he continues to pay the mortgage. The judge will look at needs and resources. Clearly your needs will be greater than his because you have the 2 children. However, these needs (and his) have to be met out of available resources. If the resources are not there, then you will have to rethink. If there is sufficient equity in the house to enable you to rehouse yourself and the boys without recourse to a mortgage, then that might be the best option.

Also, his paying the mortgage is another tie, isn't it? I realise he will have to pay maintenance for the boys (and possibly also for you), but paying the mortgage is another matter altogether. The lender is unlikely to put the house in your name if someone else is paying the mortgage. After all, what would happen if he defaults (either because he hasn't got the money or because he feels like being a sh*t again)? You would be in far better control of your life if you weren't dependent upon him abiding by an agreement to pay for the house.

If he is in financial difficulties, how could he continue to pay the mortgage, maintenance as ordered and fund his own needs? And by needs, I'm talking basics here - a roof over his head and food, etc., not some fancy lifestyle he thinks is his due.

You don't have to move far away if you don't want to, but you may have to look at things realistically. The judge can't order him to pay for things that he cannot afford.

Just something to think about - as if you didn't have enough already.

Oh honey-I thought it was a long shot! Thanks for your invaluable advice. I just don't know what the fuck to do.

Don't panic. At the moment, you don't have to do anything. Just let the solicitors move things along. If you can get d-t-p to agree to at least market the house, at this time of year, it is unlikely that there will be rapid movement on the sale front.

Just sit back, enjoy the Christmas period and then gird your loins to get stuck into things in the New Year. There is no screaming hurry to do anything that you don't want to. After all, he's held up papers for 6 months, so he can't complain if you want to take things at your own pace.

You could always take this time to plan what you want to do once the house is sold, such as looking into what sort of rented property might be available (easier to do this than to try to coordinate sale and purchase), storage facilities for your furniture if required, look into aspects of setting up your own business (wherever you decide to live in the end), look at areas where you might like to move, schools, etc.

Remember - you are in control of your life and you can dictate the pace at which you want to move on. Don't be rushed into anything, either by him or by your own desire to get things going. Take your time to plan where you want to be so that eventually you will end up there rather than somewhere you don't want to be because you rushed at things.

Ok I promise. Cool calm collected. No rush. Thanks girls.

Morning spook. Just going to read all these posts from last night now....

Good morning honey XXX

I wonder what he would say if you explained that no matter what he does you will eventually be moving to London. He can either give you his blessing, bearing in mind that he has ripped your old life apart, and should therefore be glad to facilitate the beginning of a new one for you, or stand in your way. But whatever happens the eventual outcome will be the same, it's just a question of now, easily, amicably, cheaply, or later, with stress and difficulty, expensively and acrimoniously. What if you said that if he lets you go now with good grace you will be very amenable to his coming to London for visits and help him to have as much contact with his children as possible, whereas if he makes life hard it will be one blow too many and that you won't find yourself able to forgive and be helpful and friendly in the years to come.

The other alternative, as I see it, is to pretend you have given in and will stay where you are, but want to sell the house and have a new start in a new house. You will have to say you haven't found one you like and move into rented but at that point you will be free. Lot of bother.

I used to live with a guy years ago and wanted to split with him but he refused to move out. I couldn't leave because I was renting an outbuilding at my dad's house. My dad was too feeble to stand up to my boyfriend. So I had to encourage him to buy a flat 'as an investment' and on the day when he moved into it I told him I wasn't coming and that we were splitting up. Drastic I know but it was the only way I could get rid of him.

Very very wise words as always Anorak. I really like that first paragraph and think I will use it and claim it as my own!! I said to Becca earlier-it's like a game of poker. Show nothing in the face but have a really good hand up your sleeve for later (not that I cheat at poker ofcourse)

You'd better make sure that's the route you want to go down before you say a word. Because (to continue the metaphor) you will truly be laying all your cards on the table. If you go on to use the deception method he may well see through it if you have already tried plan A.

Fuck knows. Where am I going,what am I doing. Wish somebody knew coz I certainly don't.

Gawd-he'll be here any minute....cool calm nonplussed.

Cool calm nonplussed...ffs I would be having trouble restraining myself from trying to bludgeon him with the nearest blunt instrument

I HATE HIM.I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM.I HATE HIM.I HATE HIM.I HATE HIM.I HATE HIM.

Has he arrived then? What happened?

What's happened?

I reminded him that DS1 has a party this afternoon and he looked at me as if I'd killed the dog. Claims I never told him (ggggrrr) Then I said I wasn't going to take the boys to The Incredibles tomorrow morning (OK change of plan on my part fair enough) but he immediatly said "Why what are you doing?" None of his fucking business and moaned that he had made plans to meet "the lads" before the match. What time does the match kick off?? 4 O bloody clock!!!! So I just yelled put your girlfriend on hold for the sake of your kids you sad bastard and slammed the door.
Mmmm-not quite cool calm and collected was I??

I wish I'd seen that!

Ok, start practising taking 3 deep breaths before answering him. Or counting to 3 slowly. Every time he speaks, count to 3 and then reply. By the time you reply you will have control of your emotions and can be calm, cool and collected.

Takes practice and you won't be able to do it straight away, but eventually he will be driven nuts by his inability to provoke an emotional response in you.

Seeing my ex used to wind me up really badly. I had to psych myself up. What I used to do was pretend I gave a shit. I acted the part of someone who was still a friend. He would come out with the most outrageously rude statements and I would just say 'Oh' and laugh even if inside I was boiling. In the end (up till everything turned really nasty) he truly believed I still had a soft spot for him. I think he got off on it a bit. It worked quite well for me because he used to tell me things he otherwise wouldn't and it just made everyday life a little easier with dropping off/picking up the kids. I know he thought me stupid and a soft touch but that worked for me in the end. When we ended up in court he expected me to be conciliatory and too stupid to find out what he was up to. Boy did he get a shock! The look on his face was priceless, worth all the years of acting.

I used to stand smiling and waving at the front door muttering 'wanker' under my breath. When he had a back injury and was lying in bed in agony I went in to see him and made soothing noises of commisseration, then left rubbing my hands together with glee. That may sound nasty but no one I ever knew in my life deserved it more.