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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being unreasonable, I want him out

110 replies

Manchildisunattractive · 23/10/2021 11:44

NC but been on here for over a decade.

I'm at the end of my rope with DP, he has huge debts and never has any money for days out, commuting to work, savings etc.

He does work but his past stupidity financially means he is paying a huge amount every month on his debt (nothing to show for it, he spent loans etc on trips to Amsterdam, golf holidays etc).

The finances are a huge source of stress for me as I am very sensible with money. We have a ds together who is 1, and I have two other dc. My dc adore him which is one reason why it's hard to ask him to leave.

His dm is also terminally ill, and I feel like such a bitch if I kick him out of my home at this time.

He is very lazy around the house and isn't respectful of my boundaries. He watches me in bed on the baby cam, caught him doing this several times. He is constantly checking my online status on social media.

His hygiene is pretty poor, he went 5 days without a shower last week then argued it was 'only' 4 days.

Last night I went to bed and fell asleep, I woke to a hand full of cum, he used me to pleasure himself whilst I was asleep and I feel violated, that this is the final nail in the coffin.

Am I overreacting? I ask as he always makes me feel like I blow things out of proportion

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 23/10/2021 11:48

He sexually abused you, is controlling, has disgusting hygiene, does not financially contribute (and is fact a drain on you), and is bone idle.
Throw him out.

Manchildisunattractive · 23/10/2021 11:50

I really want to but I can't shake the feeling that this would be unbelievably cruel of me as his mother is dying.

OP posts:
Jupiterscallisto · 23/10/2021 11:52

Not overreacting in the slightest. 100% lack of respect. Get rid.

Jupiterscallisto · 23/10/2021 11:53

More cruel than sexual assault? I don't think so but I can be stone cold.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 23/10/2021 11:53

He used you as a sex toy whilst his mother is dying.

That's way way lower than anything you are considering.

Do what is best for you and the kids. Let him sort himself out

DismantledKing · 23/10/2021 11:53

@Manchildisunattractive

I really want to but I can't shake the feeling that this would be unbelievably cruel of me as his mother is dying.
Tough shit for him. He shouldn’t abuse you, should he?
PanicBuyingSprouts · 23/10/2021 11:54

He's making the choice to abuse you, you shouldn't feel guilty.

honeylulu · 23/10/2021 11:56

OMG I was thinking throughout the post that you should kick him out, right from the bit about his finances. Then I got to the end. He has made you partipate in a sex act WITHOUT CONSENT. He isn't just useless and selfish. He is dangerous. Get him out or this will escalate. Dying mum or not.

category12 · 23/10/2021 11:59

And he's not being incredibly cruel to you by invading your privacy, sexually assaulting you in your sleep and being a shit partner generally?

Put yourself first, FGS.

Ariela · 23/10/2021 12:00

Can you suggest he goes look after his dying mum?

(if she lives anywhere suitable)

Manchildisunattractive · 23/10/2021 12:01

Thank you all for telling me straight that I'm not overreacting. I hate living with him and want him out my home.

OP posts:
ErrmWTAF · 23/10/2021 12:02

A purely theoretical exercise, but if, some day in the future, you told your DC all this, esp what he did to their mum, would they still "adore" him?

(FTR, I don't think they even adore him now.)

Get him gone.

Sirzy · 23/10/2021 12:02

@Ariela

Can you suggest he goes look after his dying mum? (if she lives anywhere suitable)
Sounds like that’s the last thing his poor mum will need.

But I agree get him out. If you don’t now you never will because next it will be “he is sorting the funeral” then “he is grieving” then “it’s nearly Christmas” etc etc

MrsRobbieHart · 23/10/2021 12:05

Are you overreacting??

Are you serious??

You’re massively under reacting!

Get him out today and change the locks! This man is a sexual predator!

Flowerpowwer6 · 23/10/2021 12:05

@PanicBuyingSprouts

He's making the choice to abuse you, you shouldn't feel guilty.
Exactly. Cannot believe what I just read OP. He would of been thrown out as soon as I woke up!
MrsRobbieHart · 23/10/2021 12:06

Btw are you sure he hasn’t been watching your children while they’re in bed too?

Shoxfordian · 23/10/2021 12:07

Throw him out now- this minute
He’s disgusting and he’s sexually assaulted you

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/10/2021 12:07

Get this disgusting sex offender out. I'd do it right now, today. And if he kicks off tell him you'll report his sexual assault to the police.

I would not want my dc around him. In fact I'd report the assault anyway because I'd want only supervised contact.

Harlequin1088 · 23/10/2021 12:08

Wow.

Read through that thinking "Blimey, this guy's a bit of a knob".

Then I got to the handful of cum.

Good grief, get rid of this arsehole!

Flakeymcwakey · 23/10/2021 12:08

You don't have to be "being reasonable" to have permission to end a relationship. You just have to have decided it doesn't work for you. Some people can live with partners they don't feel respected by, some can't. It's not morally better to be one or the other type. The only reason I could see for you arguing against your own interest would be that you felt your children's interest outweighed yours. But since you are modeling relationship behaviour to your children, are you really acting in their long term interest on teaching them it's fine to disrespect/ be disrespected in your primary intimate relationships?

Manchildisunattractive · 23/10/2021 12:08

The baby cam is only in our room thankfully so definitely not watching my dc

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 23/10/2021 12:12

What is the housing situation? Where is he likely to go? Not that it's your responsibility but if there is a solution then it's more likely to happen.

Given he is unlikely to change I don't think you can carry on..the sex act done when asleep just shows his contempt for you.

MrsRobbieHart · 23/10/2021 12:12

@Manchildisunattractive

The baby cam is only in our room thankfully so definitely not watching my dc
He could very easily have installed a spycam in your DC room! Seriously he is a sexual predator. Please do not under estimate this man and what he will do. Did you ever think he would sexually abuse you? No- or you wouldn’t have had a child with him. So you don’t know what he might do to your DC. Get him out.
Chloemol · 23/10/2021 12:14

He abuses you are you are worried about kicking him out as his mother is dying!

Not your issue, you and the lids come first

Kick him out today, he can go and stay with his mother

LettertoHermoine · 23/10/2021 12:14

He'd never be able to come again if I woke up with a fistfull of jizz. Get the smelly, unwashed, freeloading piece of shit OUT!