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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being unreasonable, I want him out

110 replies

Manchildisunattractive · 23/10/2021 11:44

NC but been on here for over a decade.

I'm at the end of my rope with DP, he has huge debts and never has any money for days out, commuting to work, savings etc.

He does work but his past stupidity financially means he is paying a huge amount every month on his debt (nothing to show for it, he spent loans etc on trips to Amsterdam, golf holidays etc).

The finances are a huge source of stress for me as I am very sensible with money. We have a ds together who is 1, and I have two other dc. My dc adore him which is one reason why it's hard to ask him to leave.

His dm is also terminally ill, and I feel like such a bitch if I kick him out of my home at this time.

He is very lazy around the house and isn't respectful of my boundaries. He watches me in bed on the baby cam, caught him doing this several times. He is constantly checking my online status on social media.

His hygiene is pretty poor, he went 5 days without a shower last week then argued it was 'only' 4 days.

Last night I went to bed and fell asleep, I woke to a hand full of cum, he used me to pleasure himself whilst I was asleep and I feel violated, that this is the final nail in the coffin.

Am I overreacting? I ask as he always makes me feel like I blow things out of proportion

OP posts:
Nidan2Sandan · 23/10/2021 13:05

Get rid if him, at best he's a lazy, dirty cocklodger.

At worst he's a sex pest and if he'll use you for a sex at whilst your unconscious, I'd be worried about what he would do next!!

HollowTalk · 23/10/2021 13:09

This man is absolutely disgusting. Tell him to get out. He doesn't give a shit about you and if he cared so much about his mother he could go and stay with her.

user1471538283 · 23/10/2021 13:23

He goes now! It's his problem how he moves his stuff. If he stays it will get worse.

pheonixrebirth · 23/10/2021 13:25

He is a sexual predator, get him the fuck away from you and your kids NOW!!!!!!!!

Nanny0gg · 23/10/2021 13:37

@Manchildisunattractive

I really want to but I can't shake the feeling that this would be unbelievably cruel of me as his mother is dying.
Well that doesn't seem to worry him that much,

He's a disgusting pig. Chuck him out

Nanny0gg · 23/10/2021 13:38

@Manchildisunattractive

I don't want him kicking off in front of my dc, he also has no means to get his stuff from my house to his flat as he doesn't drive. I think I will see if someone can look after the kids and offer to deliver his belongings
Just pack them up and drop them off.

Then change your locks

justanoldhack · 23/10/2021 13:38

Ew!! Your instincts are right. Kick him out.

beastlyslumber · 23/10/2021 13:39

Jesus Christ. That's absolutely awful.

Don't feel guilty about kicking him out. He doesn't feel guilty for how he treats you, does he? He sounds completely vile and to top it off he has sexually assaulted you. You could call the police OP if you feel up to it. But anyway, get him out asap.

RandomMess · 23/10/2021 13:41

I'm sure knowing you can report him for sexual assault means he will go quietly!!

Nat6999 · 23/10/2021 13:42

Get rid, it might only be a hand job this time but what happens if it is rape next? He has crossed a line, there is no going back. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your dc & please have more respect for yourself.

NoYOUbekind · 23/10/2021 13:45

Why are you so concerned with being 'kind' and doing 'the right thing' (ie, not being cruel)? Maybe worth just having a little think about that OP. Why are you willing to sacrifice your own comfort, wellbeing and sexual security on the alter of 'nice'. Nice to whom? Who is going to tell you you were being cruel to kick out a man who sexually assaulted you while you slept? No-one whose opinion is worth having, right?

Kick him out. He is a predator and a sex pest who can't even wash himself. You are worth so much more than this.

Redjumper1 · 23/10/2021 13:45

He has somewhere to go so just get rid of him. I don't see the relevance of his terminal mother. He should be expending his energy helping his mother, helping care for her in her final days, pouring a lot of energy into her and her needs. What has his refusal to clean himself and sexually assault you got to do with his poor Mother. He can be there for her, as he should be, irrespective of whether he is living with you or living in his dirty flat.

If you feel sorry for him because he is grieving. Don't. He doesn't have the right to treat you like this.

DrSbaitso · 23/10/2021 13:45

I've lost a parent, OP. It's not an excuse to treat a life partner like dirt.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 23/10/2021 13:47

Utterly vile! Get rid immediately!

HollowTalk · 23/10/2021 13:57

I would pack up his stuff myself - I think you'd find some of your things went missing if he was left to do it himself.

Do you know anyone who'd drop them off at his place if you don't want to do it yourself?

zinky · 23/10/2021 14:34

Don't be so thoughtful. Leave everything at the doorstep and he will find out his own way. Hiring a cheap van, Addison Lee vans, man&van etc. He doesn't seem to behave correctly, why should you ? "Sayunara baby"

Cottonheadedninymuggins · 23/10/2021 14:42

Please invite someone around before you get rid of him. With a witness and another adult I'd hope that he'd be less likely to kick off and be unreasonable and also it would shield the children from him kicking off more.

If no friends/family able to do it - a police officer. I'd also report his use of your hand whilst asleep No way it's his first time at doing something like that IMO and it's on report should he do something similar or worse in the future to someone else.

I also wouldn't help him move his stuff - I'd bag it and put it outside the front door and let him deal. He didn't think about you whilst he was using your hand whilst you were asleep. Be as selfish and unthinking as he has to you! He doesn't deserve your kindness or your home/family at all.

Manchildisunattractive · 23/10/2021 16:12

Hes gone, his friend came over with a van. I got the kids out and told him to leave. He minimised, told me I did it voluntary etc (I did not). I feel relief

OP posts:
mbosnz · 23/10/2021 16:16

Good on you! Way to go!

Cherrysoup · 23/10/2021 16:17

Well done you! I feel utterly disgusted for you. He has violated your privacy and your body. Ugh!

Sparklfairy · 23/10/2021 16:19

Wow, you don't hang about OP, well done! How do you feel?

Joystir59 · 23/10/2021 16:21

Well done OP. Good decision. Now treat yourself kindly well and with all the loving respect you deserve. Flowers

ThirdElephant · 23/10/2021 16:21

Well done! 🎉

oviraptor21 · 23/10/2021 16:24

Well done @Manchildisunattractive Have you made sure he can't get back in?

PerseverancePays · 23/10/2021 16:26

Good for you. Bringing up children and working is hard enough without a fully grown whinging millstone round your neck.

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