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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being unreasonable, I want him out

110 replies

Manchildisunattractive · 23/10/2021 11:44

NC but been on here for over a decade.

I'm at the end of my rope with DP, he has huge debts and never has any money for days out, commuting to work, savings etc.

He does work but his past stupidity financially means he is paying a huge amount every month on his debt (nothing to show for it, he spent loans etc on trips to Amsterdam, golf holidays etc).

The finances are a huge source of stress for me as I am very sensible with money. We have a ds together who is 1, and I have two other dc. My dc adore him which is one reason why it's hard to ask him to leave.

His dm is also terminally ill, and I feel like such a bitch if I kick him out of my home at this time.

He is very lazy around the house and isn't respectful of my boundaries. He watches me in bed on the baby cam, caught him doing this several times. He is constantly checking my online status on social media.

His hygiene is pretty poor, he went 5 days without a shower last week then argued it was 'only' 4 days.

Last night I went to bed and fell asleep, I woke to a hand full of cum, he used me to pleasure himself whilst I was asleep and I feel violated, that this is the final nail in the coffin.

Am I overreacting? I ask as he always makes me feel like I blow things out of proportion

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 23/10/2021 16:51

I ask as he always makes me feel like I blow things out of proportion

I just bet he does, & look how well it's been working for him.
He's a disgusting sex pest & user who I think you have posted about before ... & yet here you are, worrying about his feelings about his mother's illness ...

OP, it's sad about his mum, but has FUCK ALL TO DO with how he behaves & especially the way he has treated you. You have every right to kick him out now - right now - he can go & look after his poorly mother. There you go - 2 birds with 1 stone.

ChargingBuck · 23/10/2021 16:56

@Manchildisunattractive

I really want to but I can't shake the feeling that this would be unbelievably cruel of me as his mother is dying.
My dear OP - HE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED YOU.

Does his mother have to be in robust good health before you are 'allowed' to have a normal reaction to that?

Does she need a clean bill of health before he stops financially abusing you?

Does she have to get well again before he will take a shower or stop perving at you on the baby cam?

I am so sorry OP, I am not looking to be deliberately callous about his DM. But it is high time for you to stop wondering if it's cruel to sack this twat off, & START accepting how horribly cruelly he treats you. There is no excuse for his behaviour, & you have no need to wait for some mythical 'right time' to dump his sorry, unhygienic arse.

ChargingBuck · 23/10/2021 17:09

Bloody hell well done OP.

I hope you feel hugely relieved & have a very peaceful evening.

Also ... protect yourself from any attempts he makes to guilt trip, berate, or otherwise manipulate you into taking him back, or even letting him step foot over your threshold again.
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/10/2021 17:15

Am mighty glad to read that he has gone.

Now keep him out of your day to day lives for good!. Indeed protect yourself from him making hoovering attempts to draw you back in.

And re your children I daresay they have not adored him at all, more like fear him actually as you yourself have.

TobyEsterhase · 23/10/2021 17:29

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ChargingBuck · 23/10/2021 17:35

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/10/2021 17:37

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Motnight · 23/10/2021 17:41

Well done Op.

Keep posting on here if you need to, you will get an amazing amount of advice and support.

Funnylittlefloozie · 23/10/2021 17:44

Well done for getting rid of him, OP. He sounds like a poor excuse for a boyfriend and I think you and the children will be much better off (and safer) without him.

Manchildisunattractive · 23/10/2021 19:57

The sense of calm I feel tonight is tremendous. Definitely the right decision and no doubt hards days ahead but for now, sheer refief.

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 23/10/2021 20:05

Great going, OP. Hope he doesn't come back to try and get in. I'd be wondering about changing the locks, or at least the barrels, so he can't get in.

beastlyslumber · 23/10/2021 20:06

Well done OP Flowers It's a wonderful feeling of relief and calm when you do the right thing. You should be proud of yourself, too - you did a brave thing.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/10/2021 20:16

How revolting, kick him out, his mother is not your problem. What you said makes me feel physically sick.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/10/2021 20:17

Ah you have well done.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 23/10/2021 20:40

Call a locksmith and change the locks on your house ASAP.
Change passwords and passcodes on all your electronics and on your bank accounts.
Ask for new numbers/cards on any credit accounts.
Protect yourself.

Isthisit22 · 23/10/2021 21:07

@NoYOUbekind

Why are you so concerned with being 'kind' and doing 'the right thing' (ie, not being cruel)? Maybe worth just having a little think about that OP. Why are you willing to sacrifice your own comfort, wellbeing and sexual security on the alter of 'nice'. Nice to whom? Who is going to tell you you were being cruel to kick out a man who sexually assaulted you while you slept? No-one whose opinion is worth having, right?

Kick him out. He is a predator and a sex pest who can't even wash himself. You are worth so much more than this.

This!

Please consider counselling for yourself after this. Your low self worth/ desire to please can be very harmful. You deserve much much better

Isthisit22 · 23/10/2021 21:13

Also, consider reporting the sexual assault to the police because you will be expected to co parent your youngest with him for the next 17 yrs and you and your child may need to be protected from him in the future

yellowpigeons · 23/10/2021 21:16

Throw him out today OP, it’s the right thing to do

MummyofTw0 · 23/10/2021 21:18

This is horrendous. Please please make him leave. He is disgusting. That's pure abuse

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 23/10/2021 21:19

Bloody hell! When you think you’ve read it all…
I am pleased to see you’ve got some great advice on here and are feeling calm and focussed. Just wanted to say you’re doing the right thing and best of luck.

PostcodeJack · 23/10/2021 22:35

I'm glad you got him to leave. His behaviour isn't normal. I do hope you look after yourself

EarthSight · 23/10/2021 22:40

That is absolutely disgusting and he knows it. It's sexually abusive and I think he must be a massive weight in your life. Free yourself.

Embracelife · 23/10/2021 22:41

So send him to stay with his dying mother

TheCuntessOfMiddlesex · 23/10/2021 23:00

Jesus Christ
Get him out asap regardless of the dying Mother
Report him for sexually abusing you/the vouyerism etc and slap a restraining order on him for good measure, the vile creepy little bastard

NoYOUbekind · 24/10/2021 12:52

You are amazing OP. Amazing.

Now you need to get practical.

Change the locks
Block him everywhere apart from on one email address and use that email address solely to talk about contact.
Start a CMS claim.
I would also speak to Women's aid - I do agree with the poster who thinks you need a record of his assault somewhere.
Think about the Freedom Programme.

And live well my dear, live well.