I know I should leave but I can't face that

[LJ938]

Hey so my bf has an alcohol problem that has been steadily getting worse. We have a 5 month old daughter and before I got pregnant it was not an issue and he got gradually worse and worse throughout my pregnancy and much worse when our daughter was born. He's a completely different person when he is drunk and becomes very shouty and aggressive. He's not like that at all when he is sober and he is a really kind loving dad and partner when he is sober. About a month ago it got really bad and we left him and stayed with a friend for 2 nights. But at this point he agreed that it was a huge problem and he sought help and afaik he hadn't had a drink since then. I was a bit anxious about moving back but he was really great and reassured me. I felt really proud of him for getting through it so quickly and incredibly optimistic for our future. But tonight he came home at 2am really drunk and angry and he shouted at me and told me I was controlling as I'd banned any alcohol from our flat and he threw a plate just in front of my feet and he threw his beer bottle at the wall behind me. I was really scared and I just said I was sorry just to get him to stop. Thankfully our daughter was asleep through all of this. I later said that I didn't want to sleep in a bed with him when he was that drunk and then he got angry again and said that I said I was sorry and that if I was truly sorry he'd get sex.I was really scared as he was so angry and I said I was too tired but agreed to go to bed with him. He then kept saying similar things about how my actions don't match my words just less coherently and kept touching me and I said I was tired but eventually I gave in. He then went to sleep afterwards. I'm really scared he will do the same again and I know he could have seriously hurt me and I am scared that will happen. And I know even worse there is a chance our daughter will get hurt by him and I can't let that happen. I know we should leave. But when he's sober he is genuinely a completely different person and I know he was trying so hard before and showed he could be really great and I know he could do that again and I really want that. My dad has never been in my life and I'm really sad about that and I want to do everything I can to help him be a good dad and I know he can. I love him so much and can't imagine being without him and when I left before I felt so awful and guilty and I missed him so much. I spent the time we were away panicking about everything. Both of us have reasonable jobs (I am still on mat leave atm) but it is obviously much more comfortable having 2 incomes. I know I should leave but I am really struggling and I am so desparate for this all to work out and I don't know. Like I know you'll all think he is awful but when he is sober he is a completely different genuinely. I am also worried that if I leave he will get much worse and I am worried our daughter might still have to stay there and might get hurt.

He's an alcoholic. If he wasn't, he wouldn't drink because he knows it scares you. But he can't stop himself. Because he's an alcoholic. You can't help him, only he can do that. Yes, it's more comfortable on 2 wages, but do you want your daughter to grow up lying in bed listening to arguments, hearing bottles and furniture breaking, frightened to come home in case her dad's drunk, seeing that look in his eyes change from loving dad to scary dad?
If you can't leave him for yourself, put your daughter first and do what's best for her.

OP I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Must be a collosal mindfuck for him to be like two different people. Deep breath. You say you know you have to leave... And now read your post back imagining that it's your daughter in that situation. Maybe that will give you the boost you need. If I have learned anything from divorce (mine and others') it's that we are much stronger than we know. For a while, I couldn't see a future without my exH, worried about money so much, but my DC and I survived, and have a wonderful life now. Extricating yourself will be hard but what's likely waiting for you in that relationship will probably be infinitely worse. Whatever you do, start really trying to love yourself; consider your needs; put yourself first. And please keep yourself and your DD safe. Much love to you

Do it for your daughter. Its horrible being a child with a nasty drunk as a parent. It's even worse knowing you have another parent who could remove you from the situation but they choose not to.

This was me 7 years ago. The drinking never got any better and 2 kids were involved. In the end, I got the strength to call the police after he strangled me.
It hasn't been easy, I got a non molestation order and an occupation order to prevent him coming to the house.
The drinking will not get better, he needs to change. I saw my ex on the street after nc for 2 years. He looked awful.
Get out now while you can, it's scary and difficult but your dad deserves so much more. And so do you.
Pm me anytime.

He's starting to escalate op, at best he coerced you into sex, to me it sounded like rape, plus he's started to throw things at you. He's already verbally abusing you. How long until he starts to hit you? Or your dc!

I'm sorry op it must be awful when he's a loving partner or father when sober but he sounds dangerous when he's had a drink.

He's not got it under control, if he wants to get better then he needs to get better for months, actually years, and prove it, before you can consider living with him.

I think its also important to keep in mind that abusers often escalate after a baby arrives. Abusers also confuse their partners by being both nice and nasty so that you never know who you're going to get and always have that hope that the old nice version of them will come through. It never does, because that isn't who they truly are. The abusive version is their true self.

Please do what is best for you and your daughter. Can you go stay with some family for the time being? (Or you could see if he will agree to leave once he comes around in the cold light of day today and he remembers about all of his abusive behaviour, but change locks if he goes & you stay).

You probably should report this to the police already so they know things might escalate & would come another time faster for you. This will escalate so do not stay with him. Stay strong

@madisonbridges

He's an alcoholic. If he wasn't, he wouldn't drink because he knows it scares you. But he can't stop himself. Because he's an alcoholic. You can't help him, only he can do that. Yes, it's more comfortable on 2 wages, but do you want your daughter to grow up lying in bed listening to arguments, hearing bottles and furniture breaking, frightened to come home in case her dad's drunk, seeing that look in his eyes change from loving dad to scary dad? If you can't leave him for yourself, put your daughter first and do what's best for her.

The thing that makes me hopeful is he managed to go a long time without drinking before and I know he can and I am still hopeful that he can do that again. But ig banking on that is too risky as we could be really hurt but I know we should leave cause it is dangerous

OP, he only managed one month without drinking before he fell off the wagon- and not just with a beer or two, he got really drunk. One month! He may have managed more than that in the past but the problem has clearly got worse since then. You need him to stay sober for years and years - what are the chances of that if he could only make it to one month? And not just that but he was a nasty, violent drunk who threw things at you and coerced you into sex you need to get your daughter away from this man.

You say he got help, but what was that help? He has only lasted a month without a drink, so whatever it is, he's not sticking to it. He has racked up falling off the wagon, violence and sexual coercion in one night. You have already done the hard part of taking the first step once, you can do it again. Protect yourself and your child.

@LJ938
Which part of the country are you in?
I'm so very sorry to read this but you need to get out for yours and your daughters sake before she is old enough to realise there is a problem x

I know we need to leave but I am just struggling with the idea I can't manage to do it really. Not really sure what to reply to people as I know what I need to do. I didn't sleep at all last night so am exhausted and ig maybe if I am less tired idk.

Leave , he is an addict, and abusive with it.
He will always go back to alcohol.

Speak to Women's Aid. You're in a domestic abuse situation. He coerced sex and is violent.

Alcohol isn't the cause of his behaviour, it's the excuse for it.

You asked for advice and people responded. You don't need to reply to anyone. As you've said, you know what you need to do so the first thing is to work out your money and how much you can allot for housing and then look for somewhere. Everything else will seem easier when you've got somewhere to go. Good luck.

I had an alcoholic parent and it is both heartbreaking and terrifying. Children do MPT understand what is and isn’t normal, so your daughter will pick up on the behaviours she is around and that will become her normal. Alcoholics will only give up drinking when THEY want to. The fact he is blaming you for taking the drink away from him screams that he doesn’t want to give it up. Also the mannerism of his mood when he is drunk is not someone who is remorseful, a lot of alcoholics will get very down on themselves when they relapse but he is showing the opposite.

I think you need to leave but let him know that you support him in getting better. There is no saying you can’t stay together but live separately until he is truly sober and sober on his own ie without doing it because he is scared he will lose you. That way if he turns up at your house drunk you can make sure he has no access to you or your daughter.

Please also remember that alcoholism is more likely to run in the family, therefore your daughter could be at risk if she is exposed to it for a long time. Both my brother and I have had to have treatment for dealing with out drinking, I am sober, sadly he is not and is in total denial, he also does not want to give up drinking.

I know it it scary but please please don’t subject yourself to a life with alcohol abuse, you are very unlikely to be able to give him the help he needs, whilst you are giving into him he has no real reason to get sober.

Best of luck, my heart breaks for you.

He is an alcoholic.
He was verbally aggressive.
He was violent.
He coerced you into sex.
You were scared.
Can you see that you are in a domestic violence relationship ?
How would you feel if your daughter was in your situation ?
If you are ever scared of him again, call the police immediately 💐

This:
Speak to Women's Aid. You're in a domestic abuse situation. He coerced sex and is violent.

Alcohol isn't the cause of his behaviour, it's the excuse for it.

Honestly, Women’s Aid will help. You can’t see it when you’re in it, but there’s so much in your post that is wrong. Talk to someone in real life who deals with abuse and you will look at this so differently.

Do it for your daughter. You cannot allow it to continue it’ll destroy her life.

Also many alcoholics have a trigger which turns them to drink. They use alcohol to sooth the pain they are going through. It is very possible that your pregnancy and daughter has triggered this for him. Perhaps he has something from his own childhood that is causing him issues and your pregnancy has brought this to his forefront. If this is the case then removing her from the situation is even more vital. Counselling should help his uncover the root of his drinking, once he has found out why he drinks he will then be able to deal with his issue. But if your daughter is the trigger it really is crucial to remove her.

I agree with everyone else saying that you need to leave now. What are your options? Is it possible to get him to leave the house and you stay? Either way, it's not safe to live with him. He was violent, abusive and coerced you in to sex last night.

In the long term he needs to get onto a rehab programme via his GP and/or get help from AA. He needs to find a long term, sustainable way to stop drinking. Only he can do that - it has to be something he wants to do and commits to. You might benefit from accessing help and advice from Al-Anon: www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

If it helps you to find the courage and strength to leave him, think of this as temporary, albeit long term. IF he gets his shit together, gets straight and stays that way for a year or more then maybe you have a discussion about your relationship. It doesn't have to be a permanent split but you do need to make the move now to be able to live safely with your DD.

I suspect that with time and distance you might become less forgiving of his most recent, abusive, behaviour. But if it makes it easier to leave by thinking its not forever and you truly believe there's a good person inside him, then do that.

I stayed with an alcoholic for 8 and a half years. Constantly promising to change, never did. Lovely man sober, arsehole when he had a drink, although not physically violent, the things that came out of his mouth were vile. Alcoholics rarely change. If you are scared of him/his behaviour while drinking, GET OUT NOW. Please do not put yourself or your daughter in a position where you could get hurt.

"Like I know you'll all think he is awful but when he is sober he is a completely different genuinely. I am also worried that if I leave he will get much worse and I am worried our daughter might still have to stay there and might get hurt".

Its likely he is never properly sober but on a comedown from alcohol. Abusers too can be "nice" sometimes but that is all really a part of their nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. You would not in any case leave your most precious resource here, your DD, with her drunk father overnight. Why would she at all have to stay there; this is supposition on your part so likely wrong too.

Your responsibility lies with you and in turn your child, not him. No, no and no.

You are playing out the usual roles associated with your alcoholic; those of codependent partner, enabler and provoker because you never forget. I also think you are confusing love here with codependency. This relationship is over bar the shouting and you are going to have to dig deep now in order to get him out of your day to day lives. It will not do your DD any favours at all to see you as her mother being abused by her drunkard father. What do you also want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here?. Think about what you learnt from childhood; you yourself have been left with a lot of damaging crap that still harms you to this very day and it needs to be unlearnt. I would urge you to also contact Womens Aid and get their advice as to how to leave safely. The Freedom Programme is also worth doing online; you need this too.

Re your comment:-
"My dad has never been in my life and I'm really sad about that and I want to do everything I can to help him be a good dad and I know he can."

I am so sorry your dad has not been in your life but that was his choice ultimately and is NO reflection on you. You were but a child at at the time and the adults in your life let you down abjectly. You cannot help this man now become a good father; again that is his choice and is not yours to make for him.

Do you have any idea what a mutually respectful relationship is; I do not think you do mainly no-one ever bothered to show you one. And this relationship you are currently drowning in is not it either.

If you can express what it is about leaving that frightens you so much then that could help you no end as well. It is fear of him, fear of the unknown, financial worries to name but three reasons?.

You have a choice re him, your DD does not. Do not let this man continue to drag you and in turn this child down with him into his alcoholic pit.

I have nothing to add to what other posters have said except this:

I stayed with my alcoholic husband for too long. As a result, my DDs have both suffered. DD1 has worked long and hard in therapy and is now in a good place. DD2 has PTSD and is only just starting to feel ready to enter therapy. I've had a lot of therapy myself too and still attend a support group even though my husband has been dead for 3 years and I threw him out of the house almost 4 years ago.

Don't end up like us.

Have you not managed to convince him to go to AA? Tell him this is a serious problem, and unless he gets help then that's the end. His choice. And make your plans to get out if you have to! If it ever happens again he's toast!