I know I should leave but I can't face that

[LJ938]

Hey so my bf has an alcohol problem that has been steadily getting worse. We have a 5 month old daughter and before I got pregnant it was not an issue and he got gradually worse and worse throughout my pregnancy and much worse when our daughter was born. He's a completely different person when he is drunk and becomes very shouty and aggressive. He's not like that at all when he is sober and he is a really kind loving dad and partner when he is sober. About a month ago it got really bad and we left him and stayed with a friend for 2 nights. But at this point he agreed that it was a huge problem and he sought help and afaik he hadn't had a drink since then. I was a bit anxious about moving back but he was really great and reassured me. I felt really proud of him for getting through it so quickly and incredibly optimistic for our future. But tonight he came home at 2am really drunk and angry and he shouted at me and told me I was controlling as I'd banned any alcohol from our flat and he threw a plate just in front of my feet and he threw his beer bottle at the wall behind me. I was really scared and I just said I was sorry just to get him to stop. Thankfully our daughter was asleep through all of this. I later said that I didn't want to sleep in a bed with him when he was that drunk and then he got angry again and said that I said I was sorry and that if I was truly sorry he'd get sex.I was really scared as he was so angry and I said I was too tired but agreed to go to bed with him. He then kept saying similar things about how my actions don't match my words just less coherently and kept touching me and I said I was tired but eventually I gave in. He then went to sleep afterwards. I'm really scared he will do the same again and I know he could have seriously hurt me and I am scared that will happen. And I know even worse there is a chance our daughter will get hurt by him and I can't let that happen. I know we should leave. But when he's sober he is genuinely a completely different person and I know he was trying so hard before and showed he could be really great and I know he could do that again and I really want that. My dad has never been in my life and I'm really sad about that and I want to do everything I can to help him be a good dad and I know he can. I love him so much and can't imagine being without him and when I left before I felt so awful and guilty and I missed him so much. I spent the time we were away panicking about everything. Both of us have reasonable jobs (I am still on mat leave atm) but it is obviously much more comfortable having 2 incomes. I know I should leave but I am really struggling and I am so desparate for this all to work out and I don't know. Like I know you'll all think he is awful but when he is sober he is a completely different genuinely. I am also worried that if I leave he will get much worse and I am worried our daughter might still have to stay there and might get hurt.

Speaking as someone who has daddy issues (he abandoned us because alcohol was more important than us) his number 1 priority is alcohol and always will be.

I can totally understand that he seems a different person when sober, BUT you are constantly living in a situation where you don't know which version of that person are you going to see today???

You may not realise it but your mind, body & soul are constantly on high alert- the sheer stress that you will experience is damaging you! You won't realise this fully until you leave him and your mind and body actually have the opportunity to calm down and rest.

In turn once you leave him your full focus can then be on yourself and your daughter. You will be the best mother you can be because you will be better in general. Right now you are in survival mode, constantly an alert.

I know from experience that when you don't have a dad in your life you don't know how good men are supposed to treat you and you generally accept behaviour less than what you deserve.
I myself am still trying to figure this out.

What I do know is that you are doing your daughter a disservice by staying in a relationship that is toxic at best and dangerous at worst!

You would benefit greatly by leaving asap and getting your life set up and in a routine before you go back to work. Start thinking about what YOU want out of life and what you want your daughters life to be like.

Thanks everyone. I know I need to leave I just need to work up the strength. I left before so I know I can do it I am just really struggling. He didn't even remember what had happened last night and I feel really awful as I know the man he is atm would never do that and like I just feel like I am throwing away the love of my life. And I know he can fix this and solve this problem but I know he probably won't and it is too risky. Sorry I must sound so stupid and weak to you all and ig I am

Very convenient that he has a blackout about last night.

You're not throwing anything away - he is. He chose alcohol over you and your dd last night, like he's done before, and he'll continue to do so.

If you can't find your strength for yourself, you need to find it for your dd.

I feel like our daughter is so young and she won't be affected by it at her age and that I can afford to give him one more chance. But I know this is stupid

Yesterday, he made a choice - he knew that when he drinks he behaves badly towards you to the point it has made you leave before, that he "becomes" a horrible abusive person with alcohol and that he is nasty to you.

Choosing to pick up the bottle, means choosing to behave that way.

I gave my late husband so many one more chances. Be glad your DD is still a baby - if you take her out of this now, she genuinely won't remember.

But they start picking up on it far, far earlier than you might think. Don't let it get to that.

Also what category12 said - his choice to pick up a drink knowing what it does to him.

What prompted me to get my husband removed by the police was him threatening to kill me when very very drunk - we were already divorcing at that point. When he came back the next day, he claimed not to remember any of it. Whether that was true, I have no idea - but I didn't let him come back. When you do shitty stuff in a blackout, the blackout isn't an excuse. Because you chose to drink to that point.

Yes it is stupid. Do not ever assume that your daughter does not know anything and besides which sound travels too. She is absorbing all that goes on around her here like a sponge.

Please do not continue to inflict this man, albeit her dad, upon her. She growing up in a household with an alcoholic father and you enabling him will do her (and you) no favours.

Why is he supposedly also the love of your life, how low is your bar here exactly?. This man is both abusive and a drunkard. The love of his life is alcohol, not you or your daughter. Alcohol.

Read too about the sunken costs fallacy because all thus re throwing the love of your life away is such thinking. People get bogged down focusing on sunk costs, do not let that further be you.

Focus your attention going forward on your daughter as well as fixing you. You cannot rescue and or save this man nor can you assume of him that he can fix and solve this problem. You cannot speak for him. He also does not want your supposed help and or support either.

No more chances. He has had more than enough of those and he will keep on throwing all this back at you and your DD.

If he can't remember what happened you need to tell him - all of it! The violence, the threatening behaviour, that you wanted to not sleep with him. And including especially that he coerced you into sex even though you said no repeatedly. And then you need to tell him that it can never happen again and you think he should leave or you will. that you support him trying to recover but that you'd need him to be sober for at least a year before you'll consider reconciliation

I can't leave him, I literally have 2 bags packed but I can't bring myself to leave, I can't imagine living without him

Its not easy but you have to put your daughter first here.
Being away from him will allow him to focus and be motivated on getting himself the help he needs

You need to think really seriously about leaving, not just willy nilly contemplating it.. You fear about going it alone, is quite normal., but the other fears, about your partners erratic behaviour, are more important to consider than anything else. You personally, can't be his saviour, from drinking, if you say he is an alcoholic. He will damage his health, waste some money, and make you unhappy most of the time..

it's no use saying, he is nice when not drinking, as this is usually the case with heavy drinkers. Don't feel sorry for him, he is in charge of his own destiny, to maybe make a better life all round for everyone.

Get away from him now for your child. You might be struggling, you might find it difficult, but you have a choice. Your child doesn’t. Your child doesn’t deserve to grow up around a Dad who gets drunk and angry and breaks things (and I’ll bet good money that will escalate to violence…it’s so textbook).

Get help to leave if your need it. Women’s Aid, the police, your family.

I can't leave him, I literally have 2 bags packed but I can't bring myself to leave, I can't imagine living without him

Not even for your child? You don't think she deserves any better?

My ex-h is the child of an alcoholic. He was damaged, as were his siblings.

He's not great when sobor because he knows what he does when he drinks and he takes that first drink when sober . He's still sober when he takes that second drink. He's tipsy but still rational when he takes that third drink.

He doesn't want to stop. He just said what he thought would get you back in the house.
Now he's escalating.
I would leave. For good this time

@LJ938

I feel like our daughter is so young and she won't be affected by it at her age and that I can afford to give him one more chance. But I know this is stupid

This is not true. I am a child of an alcoholic and they believe my lifelong eating disorder is possibly due to my mother's parenting and lack of parenting. It has made therapy incredibly difficult as getting to a root cause when it is something you can not remember is not very easy.

You can't imagine living without him?
Can you imagine living with him? Drunk, verbally abusive, he's already gone from verbally abusing you to throwing things at you and attempting to coerce you into sex against your wishes. Believe me that in time he won't stop at throwing stuff near you and attempting to have sex you don't want. Can you imagine that?
Can you imagine your child growing up with a drunken father? Hiding in their bedroom pretending they can't hear what he's shouting and doing?

When you can't imagine your life without him, take a moment to imagine it with him.

Might help to think of it this way - staying with him isn’t helping him give up alcohol. Leaving might be the wake-up call he needs.

If you don't leave him to protect yourself, how about social services take your daughter to protect her from both of you.

@LJ938

I can't leave him, I literally have 2 bags packed but I can't bring myself to leave, I can't imagine living without him

Can you imagine living without your daughter?

Because if he hurts her, or your parenting is deemed to be endangering her, or when she finds her voice she tells nursery that daddy throws things at mummy and she cries in bed because she's frightened, or tells daddy to stop then he shouts at her and scares her... you might not live with her.

Stop choosing an alcoholic abuser over a defenceless little girl.

I know that sounds harsh. It is harsh. But it's true. You're currently choosing a relationship with him over the wellbeing of your daughter.

It won't come to that. If I give him one more chance then either everything will work out or we'll leave before she will realise what is going on. Also if I leave she still will have to spend time with him potientially and that will be more dangerous for her as I won't be there

"Also if I leave she still will have to spend time with him potientially and that will be more dangerous for her as I won't be there"

Its also dangerous for you to remain with him anyway.

If he wants access then he can see her in a contact centre. My guess is that in the longer term he will not bother as she will interfere with his drinking time.

@LJ938

My ex was removed from our house 7 weeks ago. The neighbours phoned the police because he was in a drunk rage outside. He stayed with friends for a couple of weeks and is now renting a bedsit.

We've split temporarily several times before but I think he has finally chosen drink over us as he has blocked me.

My emotions have been all over the place. I'm starting to feel more settled after listening to some kind and wise posters on here and contacting al Anon.

Good luck OP 💐

As someone who has had several alcoholics in the family, I'm going to be brutal here.

Stop looking at your relationship through rose tinted glasses and hoping he'll turn into the man you want him to be. He isn't that man, and isn't ever going to be.

Put your DD first and not yourself. You can do this, and it's not your job to fix him. He loves alcohol more than he's ever going to be able to love you. Get out of there now and start putting your childs needs before his. Please.

"It won't come to that. If I give him one more chance then either everything will work out or we'll leave before she will realise what is going on".

Why would he at all deserve one more chance?. That is one more chance for him to abuse you and in turn your daughter. What do you think your life would be like without him in it day to day?. Its one thing for you to think you do not deserve any better from a man but does your daughter not deserve better either?. Of course she does and so for that matter do you.

On some level she does realise something is happening around her. Even at this age she is picking up on the atmosphere within the home and she will sense your distressed manner even if she cannot verbalise.

You cannot bring yourself to leave now yet you have two bags packed.

You have a choice re this man, your daughter does not.