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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I know I should leave but I can't face that

121 replies

LJ938 · 23/10/2021 05:09

Hey so my bf has an alcohol problem that has been steadily getting worse. We have a 5 month old daughter and before I got pregnant it was not an issue and he got gradually worse and worse throughout my pregnancy and much worse when our daughter was born. He's a completely different person when he is drunk and becomes very shouty and aggressive. He's not like that at all when he is sober and he is a really kind loving dad and partner when he is sober. About a month ago it got really bad and we left him and stayed with a friend for 2 nights. But at this point he agreed that it was a huge problem and he sought help and afaik he hadn't had a drink since then. I was a bit anxious about moving back but he was really great and reassured me. I felt really proud of him for getting through it so quickly and incredibly optimistic for our future. But tonight he came home at 2am really drunk and angry and he shouted at me and told me I was controlling as I'd banned any alcohol from our flat and he threw a plate just in front of my feet and he threw his beer bottle at the wall behind me. I was really scared and I just said I was sorry just to get him to stop. Thankfully our daughter was asleep through all of this. I later said that I didn't want to sleep in a bed with him when he was that drunk and then he got angry again and said that I said I was sorry and that if I was truly sorry he'd get sex.I was really scared as he was so angry and I said I was too tired but agreed to go to bed with him. He then kept saying similar things about how my actions don't match my words just less coherently and kept touching me and I said I was tired but eventually I gave in. He then went to sleep afterwards. I'm really scared he will do the same again and I know he could have seriously hurt me and I am scared that will happen. And I know even worse there is a chance our daughter will get hurt by him and I can't let that happen. I know we should leave. But when he's sober he is genuinely a completely different person and I know he was trying so hard before and showed he could be really great and I know he could do that again and I really want that. My dad has never been in my life and I'm really sad about that and I want to do everything I can to help him be a good dad and I know he can. I love him so much and can't imagine being without him and when I left before I felt so awful and guilty and I missed him so much. I spent the time we were away panicking about everything. Both of us have reasonable jobs (I am still on mat leave atm) but it is obviously much more comfortable having 2 incomes. I know I should leave but I am really struggling and I am so desparate for this all to work out and I don't know. Like I know you'll all think he is awful but when he is sober he is a completely different genuinely. I am also worried that if I leave he will get much worse and I am worried our daughter might still have to stay there and might get hurt.

OP posts:

TheChip · 23/10/2021 16:59

You can give him that chance but keep yourself and your daughter safe at the same time by leaving. He will stand a better chance at recovering if he truly wants to and you and dd will be safer and in a calmer environment whether he chooses you or the alcohol

HundredMilesAnHour · 23/10/2021 17:01

@LJ938

It won't come to that. If I give him one more chance then either everything will work out or we'll leave before she will realise what is going on. Also if I leave she still will have to spend time with him potientially and that will be more dangerous for her as I won't be there

Jesus OP, what on earth is wrong with you?!! "It won't come to that". You don't know that. What if he hurts you next time? What if the damage is permanent? What if he hurts your daughter? He likes to throw beer bottles, what if the bottles smashes near or on your daughter? He might not do it deliberately but accidents happen. Especially when drunk, angry people are involved.

You say you can't imagine living without him. Well, you need to woman up. This is no longer about you, this is about your child. You need to pull yourself together and get out now. Put your child first.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/10/2021 17:01

It won't come to that. If I give him one more chance then either everything will work out or we'll leave before she will realise what is going on.

That's a hell of a gamble. If he hits you while you hold her. If he pushes you while you hold her. If he shouts at you so loudly she wakes and is terrified because she can't understand why her safe place is now scary.

All that risk for what? Because you 'love' a man who abuses you, has become physically aggressive, is alcoholic and sexual coercive?

Your home is an abusive home. Your child is classified as being a victim of abuse because she lives in an abusive home.

You need to wise up fast I'm afraid and stop giving chances to a man who this week smashed things up in your home then coerced you into having sex with him when you didn't want to.

Read your own words back:

I'm really scared he will do the same again and I know he could have seriously hurt me and I am scared that will happen. And I know even worse there is a chance our daughter will get hurt by him and I can't let that happen. I know we should leave.

Who do you love more - him or your daughter? That's the choice now.

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/10/2021 17:01

Your literally dicing with death, men like this kill their partners and the children.

The blackout is too convenient, he remembers. He knows exactly what he did.

If you don’t protect that baby social services will do it for you and then your stuck with a violent man and no baby.

LucyGrey · 23/10/2021 17:05

Whether you can face it or not is irrelevant. You have a child and responsibility to protect her. FFS. Grow up.

Fleetheart · 23/10/2021 17:09

you gotta go. i’ve been in your position, given a lot of chances. nothing changes until you start being tough and changing yourself

imisscashmere · 23/10/2021 17:13

Stop justifying this situation. It’s unacceptable for your daughter, and it’s your job to protect her now. Do what you need to do for her sake. Put her first.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 23/10/2021 17:23

He won't change. I know you want to believe he will but he won't.

What you're enduring is abuse. It will harm you more than you can imagine and as for your daughter, well, things are not looking great for her so long as he's in the house.

Only you can change this situation. I'm sorry this is happening to you but you know what you have to do. Leaving is hard and staying apart when you want to believe they've changed, that's harder. But then it gets better.

You don't have to do this alone, there are lots of help agencies that help people out of abusive relationships.

pointythings · 23/10/2021 17:36

OP, imagine your DD as a grown up young woman in a relationship exactly like yours. Imagine she is asking for your advice. Would you suggest she give her man one more chance? Would you really?

Moonface123 · 23/10/2021 17:57

You get what you put up with. This is why male violence towards women is running rife. Women choose to tolerate it. This ugly , unhealthy situation could go on years, what are you teaching your daughter ?

It's all down to you, you know what you need to do.
The only way to stamp out this behaviour towards women is zero tolerance, walk away and stay away, make better choices.

Motherland101 · 23/10/2021 18:05

What you need to remember OP, is that he makes the decision to start drinking when he is sober. So there are no excuses, really. If he wants to seek help to overcome this, he can do it whilst you are not there. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make him. It's got to come from him.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 23/10/2021 20:41

@LJ938

Or he’ll get angry and aggressive with you whilst you are holding your Dd and he’ll kill her.

Or he’ll pick her up whilst drunk and drop her and kill her.

BBOA · 24/10/2021 06:22

If you haven’t done so already, watch Maid on Netflix. It’s domestic abuse. Not physical yet but definitely emotional and terrifying. You need to leave him. Sorry you are going through this but you can’t put yourself and daughter at risk.

fedup078 · 24/10/2021 09:12

@LJ938 as the child and now ex wife of an alcoholic I urge you to get out now and if you can't do it for yourself (and I admit I probably wouldn't have done it for myself either) then do it for your child.

NautaOcts · 24/10/2021 09:13

If you can’t leave for you, leave for your daughter

Tiredmum100 · 24/10/2021 09:18

I agree with other posters. This isn't about you. In this instance you come second, sorry. Your daughter should be your main concern and focus here. You leave to protect her.

Limeeye · 24/10/2021 09:39

Please please get help to leave.

I could be your future daughter. I grew up with this and it was terrifying. Hearing this being broken at night, screams. I now have CPTSD and I messed every part of my life up, nc with my mother as I resent she let us go through it and the relationship is too fractured. None of are family helped despite knowing what was going on.

Please please do not let her be me.

Limeeye · 24/10/2021 09:40

Also the breaking things eventually moved to physical violence.

EarthSight · 24/10/2021 09:43

Gosh - except for the fact you have a good job, this matches the story of Maid on Neflix exactly.

Limeeye · 24/10/2021 09:47

By the way by choosing to stay you are making a choice now, you will damage your daughter’s mental health. Think of this moment as two forks in the road and one leads to my life:

I sleep with the light on
I trust no one
I have no friends or family
I cannot physically laugh
I am scared to express myself to anyone
I winced at loud noises and raised hands for 20 years
I have flashbacks and nightmares every week
I have no children as I’m scared to damage them therefore I have no family
I have a selfish partner that uses me
I cry every day at how lonely I am

Love your daughter in 40 years x

EarthSight · 24/10/2021 09:50

Opps - posted before I finished.

You gave him a chance OP and after this he definitely doesn't deserve another one. You're not safe with him.

One of the lines from 'Maid' is something like 'I'm not picking glass out of Maddie's hair again'. Next time you might be in A & E having glass picked out of her skin or having to go to surgery because it went in your eye. It could happen any time. You thought you were safe before and yet he still came home and surprised you. There may not be a lot of time to call the police. You might not be physically able to because he's much stronger than you. He's already shown how out of control he is by hurling these things at you.

Call the police.

MattHancocksSexTape · 24/10/2021 09:50

My DF is an alcoholic and an angry drunk. My DM stayed with him throughout everything despite watching her child be pushed through a glass table trying to defend her from him in one of his drunken rages.

I’m almost 40. I still have sleepless nights where I replay my DFs anger and rages in my head. I go to their house at Christmas and plan excuses why I won’t stay an extra night, why my visit is as short as it can be (purely because I cannot sleep and feel physical pain from being on edge around my drunken DF).

I know it breaks my DMs heart, and she thinks she did what was right for her children, but she didn’t. She stayed and it’s messed me up.

EarthSight · 24/10/2021 09:53

@Limeeye I so sorry. Is there a support group out there for adults who've had alcoholic parents?

Limeeye · 24/10/2021 09:57

@EarthSight I’m not sure, I made a referral to a broad dv support group but lockdown sort of scuppered it all.

Ariela · 24/10/2021 09:57

@LJ938

But if he was violent when drunk, will you actually survive to get the chance to leave?

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