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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I know I should leave but I can't face that

121 replies

LJ938 · 23/10/2021 05:09

Hey so my bf has an alcohol problem that has been steadily getting worse. We have a 5 month old daughter and before I got pregnant it was not an issue and he got gradually worse and worse throughout my pregnancy and much worse when our daughter was born. He's a completely different person when he is drunk and becomes very shouty and aggressive. He's not like that at all when he is sober and he is a really kind loving dad and partner when he is sober. About a month ago it got really bad and we left him and stayed with a friend for 2 nights. But at this point he agreed that it was a huge problem and he sought help and afaik he hadn't had a drink since then. I was a bit anxious about moving back but he was really great and reassured me. I felt really proud of him for getting through it so quickly and incredibly optimistic for our future. But tonight he came home at 2am really drunk and angry and he shouted at me and told me I was controlling as I'd banned any alcohol from our flat and he threw a plate just in front of my feet and he threw his beer bottle at the wall behind me. I was really scared and I just said I was sorry just to get him to stop. Thankfully our daughter was asleep through all of this. I later said that I didn't want to sleep in a bed with him when he was that drunk and then he got angry again and said that I said I was sorry and that if I was truly sorry he'd get sex.I was really scared as he was so angry and I said I was too tired but agreed to go to bed with him. He then kept saying similar things about how my actions don't match my words just less coherently and kept touching me and I said I was tired but eventually I gave in. He then went to sleep afterwards. I'm really scared he will do the same again and I know he could have seriously hurt me and I am scared that will happen. And I know even worse there is a chance our daughter will get hurt by him and I can't let that happen. I know we should leave. But when he's sober he is genuinely a completely different person and I know he was trying so hard before and showed he could be really great and I know he could do that again and I really want that. My dad has never been in my life and I'm really sad about that and I want to do everything I can to help him be a good dad and I know he can. I love him so much and can't imagine being without him and when I left before I felt so awful and guilty and I missed him so much. I spent the time we were away panicking about everything. Both of us have reasonable jobs (I am still on mat leave atm) but it is obviously much more comfortable having 2 incomes. I know I should leave but I am really struggling and I am so desparate for this all to work out and I don't know. Like I know you'll all think he is awful but when he is sober he is a completely different genuinely. I am also worried that if I leave he will get much worse and I am worried our daughter might still have to stay there and might get hurt.

OP posts:
GiltEdges · 24/10/2021 09:58

And what if the last chance you decide to give him results in him killing or seriously injuring you? Who does your DD have to protect her then?

Limeeye · 24/10/2021 09:58

Also @LJ938 you don’t know how how messy this can get. After our dad left our mother became violent and had what I guess is some kind of traumatic stress reaction so we had no reprieve even after he was gone!!! Don’t follow this road.

Limeeye · 24/10/2021 09:59

I know I sound horrible but I don’t want someone else to have my life if there is a chance not to, you and your daughter have a chance at a nice life or a life that produces someone like me counting down the days until I’m not here.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 24/10/2021 10:06

It won't come to that. If I give him one more chance then either everything will work out or we'll leave before she will realise what is going on

This was my attitude. The last time he did it, he has me pinned down in the kitchen with his hands around my throat, trying to strangle me, almost knocked me out on the tiled floor and said to my dd (who was 6) to say goodbye to me as it was the last time she'd ever see me again. My 2 yr old was also in the house. Luckily he'd forgotten we had a phone in the bedroom (he broke my mobile) so I was able to phone the police and they arrested him.

Before that it had only been verbal outburst from him. I kept saying to myself, and him, if he does it again I'll leave.

Sorry for the morbid post but I honestly didn't know where that night would finish. I'm just glad I managed to get 2 mins to phone the police otherwise I'm not sure what would have happened

LJ938 · 24/10/2021 10:06

We left this morning. Nothing bad happened last night but I did feel very uneasy tbh which was part of what made me leave. I am at a friends house. I told him I didn't feel like we were safe and I didn't trust him not to get drunk again. He thought I was cheating on him as 'this was the only thing that made sense' and demanded to see my phone and grabbed it off me. He saw some texts I'd sent to my friend and then got annoyed at me for saying nasty stuff about him behind his back and said he was happy I was leaving. I think he was trying to make me look like the bad guy ig.
Thanks everyone you guys were right. It is too dangerous to stay and I knew it and was in denial about it yesterday. I was an irresponsible mum ig for not leaving yesterday but we have left now

OP posts:
WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 24/10/2021 10:08

Just to add to my post, if he truly wants to get better he will prove it to you, but you don't have to live with him for him to do this. He can prove over the next 24 months or so that he can stay off the alcohol

Limeeye · 24/10/2021 10:10

Just be firm and tell him it’s not a safe environment. That’s all he needs to know. He doesn’t get to be in a family environment after that.

MsTSwift · 24/10/2021 10:15

He is the one that wrecked the relationship not you. Frankly you didn’t really have a choice you had to leave for your child’s safety and well being. Staying is not being a good mother. SS can and do remove children from environments you have just left. Stay strong.

category12 · 24/10/2021 10:18

@LJ938

We left this morning. Nothing bad happened last night but I did feel very uneasy tbh which was part of what made me leave. I am at a friends house. I told him I didn't feel like we were safe and I didn't trust him not to get drunk again. He thought I was cheating on him as 'this was the only thing that made sense' and demanded to see my phone and grabbed it off me. He saw some texts I'd sent to my friend and then got annoyed at me for saying nasty stuff about him behind his back and said he was happy I was leaving. I think he was trying to make me look like the bad guy ig. Thanks everyone you guys were right. It is too dangerous to stay and I knew it and was in denial about it yesterday. I was an irresponsible mum ig for not leaving yesterday but we have left now
Well done for leaving.

Stay away.

Limeeye · 24/10/2021 10:26

Try and have a nice day with your friend today and relax a bit. I’m glad you and daughter are safe. Flowers

TheChip · 24/10/2021 10:29

I'm so pleased to hear that you have left. Its not easy but you've done it Flowers

NautaOcts · 24/10/2021 10:34

Well done @LJ938 you’ve done the right thing
Stay strong Flowers

beastlyslumber · 24/10/2021 10:46

Well done for leaving OP. It's the right thing to do. Please don't go back. I know you think he's different when sober, but it sounds like he is controlling and abusive all the time, it just escalates to an extreme when he drinks. Regardless of whether this is true or not, the fact is that he attacked and raped you (I know that you won't want to hear that word, but it is the word for what you describe in your OP.) He can't come back from that. He's dangerous and you have to protect yourself and your kids.

Stay strong, because this does get easier Flowers

Limeeye · 24/10/2021 10:58

Yes don’t be drawn in to anything when he is being all nice when sober. I know it sounds harsh but he has a serious problem and he cannot be in a family environment. The risk of damage is too great.

Fluffycloudland77 · 24/10/2021 11:07

Notice how he thought you were cheating and that’s the reason for leaving? In his mind being aggressive and raping you is ok because your his possession.

Limeeye · 24/10/2021 11:15

Re your latest post about him, he seems very preoccupied that you are cheating. This might be projection. Also I missed the bit saying he demanded sex. Please stay away from this man at all costs. So what if he is a bit nice when he is sober. So are all abusers.

pointythings · 24/10/2021 11:23

Well done, OP. I hope his comments that you must be cheating have opened up your eyes - he is not a nice man even when he is sober. He is an abuser.

Fireflygal · 24/10/2021 11:40

Op, Well done on leaving

What is the housing situation?
The practicalities of leaving need to be sorted so you feel you have a stable base.

To the poster who said pregnancy might have triggered him...yes but not for reasons other than she was now vulnerable and he thinks she has less options.

You have loved this man so breaking up will be painful and you want a good dad for your daughter but separating is the right solution. It takes years to recover from alcohol addiction and most don't make it. Instead it's usually a slow decline into complete addiction/rock bottom.

BoredAndUnfulfilled · 24/10/2021 12:27

Well done for finding the strength to leave, I know that must have been incredibly difficult. You have absolutely done the right thing for yourself and your daughter - you both deserve so much more than a life of fear. Good luck to you in your new life of freedom

Mumoftwoinprimary · 24/10/2021 18:21

Well done Op - you have been very brave.

Bobbinatomic · 24/10/2021 19:21

Well done for leaving and please try to let go of any guilty feelings - lots of women don’t leave straight away for many reasons.

Leaving is hard but not going back can also be difficult. Prepare yourself for ‘I’ll change/I am changed/I’ll never drink again/baby needs her father’. Words are cheap. Protect you and your child and don’t go back to him. Given time, sobriety and if/when it’s safe your baby can still have a father figure but right now all she needs is you. Don’t hesitate to reach out and ask for support - Women’s Aid, Refuge and/or Google your local organisation. Good luck, you can do this x

Isthisit22 · 24/10/2021 19:39

So pleased you've left him OP. You are a good mother and strong person- you can do this.
You may not want to process this yet but he raped you. He threatened you with violence until you let him have sex with you- that is rape. The throwing things at you is also DV.
Please report all this to strengthen your case about residency. He needs to have supervised contact only, esp if he's still drinking

MondayYogurt · 24/10/2021 20:03

OP you may still be vulnerable to him promising he will change. I suggest you look into some programmes for people leaving abusive relationships.
As a start try reading Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That. Your ex is an alcoholic, but he's also an abuser, as shown by his reaction of taking your phone and accusing you of cheating. You'll see his behaviour in the book.

LJ938 · 24/10/2021 20:03

Thanks everyone for helping me. I do really miss him already and I am trying not to message him as I really want to but know I shouldn't. I am just really worried about everything tbh. I am just really scared to be on my own and to be alone I already miss him and I don't want to be a single mum. I'm also worried about whether our daughter might have to stay with him as that is why I left and I'm worried I actually made that problem and risk more

OP posts:
LJ938 · 24/10/2021 20:07

I don't think he's abusive really, I mean lots of people are angry when they find out their partner's breaking up with them and think strange things. And he is an alcoholic yes but he doesn't mean to hurt me its not really a conscious thing, he's not like cruel or mean

OP posts: