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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I know I should leave but I can't face that

121 replies

LJ938 · 23/10/2021 05:09

Hey so my bf has an alcohol problem that has been steadily getting worse. We have a 5 month old daughter and before I got pregnant it was not an issue and he got gradually worse and worse throughout my pregnancy and much worse when our daughter was born. He's a completely different person when he is drunk and becomes very shouty and aggressive. He's not like that at all when he is sober and he is a really kind loving dad and partner when he is sober. About a month ago it got really bad and we left him and stayed with a friend for 2 nights. But at this point he agreed that it was a huge problem and he sought help and afaik he hadn't had a drink since then. I was a bit anxious about moving back but he was really great and reassured me. I felt really proud of him for getting through it so quickly and incredibly optimistic for our future. But tonight he came home at 2am really drunk and angry and he shouted at me and told me I was controlling as I'd banned any alcohol from our flat and he threw a plate just in front of my feet and he threw his beer bottle at the wall behind me. I was really scared and I just said I was sorry just to get him to stop. Thankfully our daughter was asleep through all of this. I later said that I didn't want to sleep in a bed with him when he was that drunk and then he got angry again and said that I said I was sorry and that if I was truly sorry he'd get sex.I was really scared as he was so angry and I said I was too tired but agreed to go to bed with him. He then kept saying similar things about how my actions don't match my words just less coherently and kept touching me and I said I was tired but eventually I gave in. He then went to sleep afterwards. I'm really scared he will do the same again and I know he could have seriously hurt me and I am scared that will happen. And I know even worse there is a chance our daughter will get hurt by him and I can't let that happen. I know we should leave. But when he's sober he is genuinely a completely different person and I know he was trying so hard before and showed he could be really great and I know he could do that again and I really want that. My dad has never been in my life and I'm really sad about that and I want to do everything I can to help him be a good dad and I know he can. I love him so much and can't imagine being without him and when I left before I felt so awful and guilty and I missed him so much. I spent the time we were away panicking about everything. Both of us have reasonable jobs (I am still on mat leave atm) but it is obviously much more comfortable having 2 incomes. I know I should leave but I am really struggling and I am so desparate for this all to work out and I don't know. Like I know you'll all think he is awful but when he is sober he is a completely different genuinely. I am also worried that if I leave he will get much worse and I am worried our daughter might still have to stay there and might get hurt.

OP posts:
MondayYogurt · 24/10/2021 20:18

@LJ938

I don't think he's abusive really, I mean lots of people are angry when they find out their partner's breaking up with them and think strange things. And he is an alcoholic yes but he doesn't mean to hurt me its not really a conscious thing, he's not like cruel or mean
Please just google Why Does He Do That and have a read. There are plenty of free versions and you'll be able to see if he fits into any of the patterns.

There's no harm in reading it and it may give you some strength through knowledge.

Limeeye · 24/10/2021 20:33

Okay your last post is very worrying. You are completely minimising domestic violence. I’ll say it again; my mother let us hear and then experience domestic violence for years saying the same things you’re saying. I am beyond fucked up. I no longer speak to her. Your daughter will either hate both of you or get taken into care or killed. Please do not end up in the daily mail as another woman saying ‘well he was nice on Tuesdays’.

Limeeye · 24/10/2021 20:34

And yes my mother was a victim too but it causes layers of problems.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 24/10/2021 20:39

A huge congratulations for leaving again, OP. It was a mistake to go back before, don't make the same mistake again (note also how his behaviour escalated after you went back, because he knew then that you would put up with everything he had done before and so was comfortable to push it even further - if you go back again he will get even worse).

But when he's sober he is genuinely a completely different person and I know he was trying so hard before and showed he could be really great and I know he could do that again and I really want that.

You seem to think it's very meaningful that he is not abusive all the time. It's not, no abuser is abusive ALL the time because if they were it would be much easier for their victim to flee. Google the cycle of abuse, this is what you are experiencing. The fact that his abuse escalated while you were pregnant only means he is a typical abuser (they get worse when they sense that you are more vulnerable and/or less able to leave), it does not mean that he will ever go back to pretending to be nice all the time. Abuse always escalates, it does not get better.

My dad has never been in my life and I'm really sad about that and I want to do everything I can to help him be a good dad and I know he can.

This man shouldn't be in your daughter's life, as you have recognised with your concerns about him seeing her now. The way to avoid this is to make external agencies aware of what he is like. Ring Women's Aid (it's often easier to get through to your local branch than the national number, have a look online) and follow their advice. There are ways to prevent him having unsupervised access to a vulnerable child but you will have to be honest with people.

I don't think he's abusive really, I mean lots of people are angry when they find out their partner's breaking up with them and think strange things.

He did not only behave abusively when he realised you were leaving (although, again as is common with abusers, he did escalate at this point). He was violent and sexually assaulted you well before that.

And he is an alcoholic yes but he doesn't mean to hurt me its not really a conscious thing, he's not like cruel or mean

He is the definition of a cruel, mean man. His behaviour towards you is extremely cruel and mean. Stop trying to make excuses for his motivation and judge him on his actions. He is violent, he has sexually assaulted you, he is verbally aggressive, he is emotionally abusive.

There are two options here: he genuinely can't help it (in which case you should stay well away from him) or he genuinely can help it (in which case you should stay well away from him).

I'm so sorry that he is this way, OP, but you can't do anything about it. As AlAnon will tell you, you didn't cause his behaviour, you can't control his behaviour, and you can't cure his behaviour. All you can do is save yourself and your child.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 24/10/2021 20:40

No he's not cruel or mean, it's a disease & one he cannot control, maybe with time but it doesn't sound like he is there yet.

Did you report what happened the other night OP? You'll need official records of incidents like that for childcare agreements should things go badly as you move forwards if he is in denial etc

Fluffycloudland77 · 24/10/2021 21:26

He’s 100% an abuser.

ChargingBuck · 25/10/2021 04:06

But when he's sober he is genuinely a completely different person and I know he was trying so hard before and showed he could be really great and I know he could do that again and I really want that.

If a stranger mugged you in the street, would you tie yourself in knots telling everyone what a genuinely different person your mugger was when he wasn't mugging people?

Your so-called partner is an Angry & Controlling Man with an alcohol problem. The alcohol doesn't make him angry - he's angry because he's abusive.

Does he scream at his boss - or just at you?
Does he demand undeserved apologies from big men he has just shouted at for no reason - or just you?
Does he rape other women - or just you?

If it's just you, he can control his anger. he just doesn't want to, because he enjoys abusing & raping his partner.

Get a copy of this book delivered to your most trusted friend, read the book, & TALK to that friend. Abuse thrives in secrecy. Don't keep his dirty secret.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

ChargingBuck · 25/10/2021 04:14

The thing that makes me hopeful is he managed to go a long time without drinking before and I know he can and I am still hopeful that he can do that again. But ig banking on that is too risky as we could be really hurt but I know we should leave cause it is dangerous

The problem isn't him drinking.
The drink didn't make him an angry, abusive rapist.
He did that all on his own.
Get him the fuck out of your & your baby's lives.

I hope you feel able to report the rape to the police. Even if you call it coerced sex because you understandably might not want to accept that word yet. I also know that reporting might feel overwhelming, but in terms of evidence for a non-molestation order or even injunction, & the potential to ask for supervised contact only with the baby, this would really help you as you extricate yourself from this awful relationship.

Flowers
ChargingBuck · 25/10/2021 04:17

I think you need to leave but let him know that you support him in getting better.

WTF have I just read @Niater?

You are seriously advising OP to tell her rapist that she is going to support him?
Do you think rapists "get better"?
And deserve the "support" of their victims?

ChargingBuck · 25/10/2021 04:21

@Niater

Also many alcoholics have a trigger which turns them to drink. They use alcohol to sooth the pain they are going through. It is very possible that your pregnancy and daughter has triggered this for him. Perhaps he has something from his own childhood that is causing him issues and your pregnancy has brought this to his forefront. If this is the case then removing her from the situation is even more vital. Counselling should help his uncover the root of his drinking, once he has found out why he drinks he will then be able to deal with his issue. But if your daughter is the trigger it really is crucial to remove her.
Tell you what Niater - YOU go & soothe this man's pain. Organise & pay for his counselling. Be all understanding about his issues. Uncover the root of his drinking. Hold his hand while he gets better. Be his friend. When he gets violent & abusive & rapes you, tell him you will support him.
ChargingBuck · 25/10/2021 04:31

[quote Limeeye]@EarthSight I’m not sure, I made a referral to a broad dv support group but lockdown sort of scuppered it all.[/quote]
AlAnon, @Limeeye - & you know you, too, can leave your selfish partner, right?
Flowers

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Tilltheend99 · 25/10/2021 04:57

Op I’m really sorry this is happening to you Flowers

You said you didn’t want to have sex with him but he made you terrified to the point that you had no choice. He raped you.

I don’t want to make you more scared then you no doubt already are but he will do this again. He may well be an alcoholic who cannot control himself when drinking but he is also an abuser.

Please use all the links and advice on her to get as much help as you can.

If you are worried about your DD being alone in the house with him please take your daughter and go to a refuge so that he can’t find you while you work out a plan to keep you and your daughter safe.

I think you are letting your feelings about your father cloud your judgment of this situation. Your daughter will be much better off in a house free of violence.

It is also very upsetting and confusing for a child to have a drunk parent continually coming into their bedroom at night and repeating the same points over and over as they are too drunk to remember they have already spoken to you 20min earlier etc

Don’t let that be her childhood.

I hope you will be ok

LondonSouth28 · 25/10/2021 05:09

Much like PPs I have done the whole alcoholic husband routine. I call it a routine because it's a pretty predictable path and reading your posts it would seem us as partners have a predictable response path too. We give chance after chance because we want to believe we are more important to them than alcohol and we deny that the horrible things they do are truly them - we say 'he's lovely when he's not drinking'. He's not and slowly but surely that lovely person you once think you knew fades away and even when sober they're awful. The excuses 'I can't remember it' and the paranoia and the just simmering low level anger and volatility rises. The periods of no drinking (going a whole month was pretty common in my situ) make you think, see he can control the alcohol he is changing. He's not and the alcohol always comes back. And it gets worse and he ends up hating you because you 'control his drinking'. The thought of leaving is hard, all of us on here who've endured this know that, but you need to. It won't get better and you just need to cut your losses and leave him. I also stayed because the idea of leaving my small children with his horrified me. They tend to not want the contact and fade away, mine goes through periods of not seeing them much and times where he is Disney Dad. I had social services involved and went to court to mitigate his contact but he fought me (not because he wants to see his children but to get at me) and he does have contact, I believe within a few years his contact will reduce and he will give up when the alcohol truly sets in and those sober periods reduce further, which they will. Alcoholism is fairly predictable in that way.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 25/10/2021 10:59

No he's not cruel or mean, it's a disease & one he cannot control, maybe with time but it doesn't sound like he is there yet.

@HappyGoLuckyLuLu I'm not suggesting he's cruel or mean because he's an alcoholic. I'm suggesting he's cruel and mean mean because he is violent, aggressive, and emotionally and sexually abusive.

If he believes that his alcoholism causes these abusive behaviours and he genuinely cannot help acting in this way (Hmm) then he should leave the OP and stay far far away from her forever. He doesn't get to say, "I can't help this, I do it because I'm ill and I can't control it - but you have to stay here with me and take it."

If he can't control it OP should leave. If he can control it OP should leave.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 25/10/2021 11:13

I don't disagree - his behaviour when drunk is abhorrent, and I don't think OP should stay with him, but understanding that addiction is a disease and that is the root of his evil behaviour may help to reconcile the person OP knows to otherwise be a lovely man with this person whose actions, even when sober, are being controlled by a disease.

Dementia is a disease, it often leaves people being nasty and cruel and sometimes physically abusive, but they can't control it. Alcoholism is the same - resulting often in terrible behaviour, abusive and mean, but that is the disease, which also impacts him when he is sober driving him to want to drink.

It's shit, pretty much all diseases are. Like mental illness addiction is often misunderstood, unfortunately, as I don't think this helps with people getting better and keeping their illness under control. I truly hope OP stays away while the disease is controlling the man rather than the other way around, and that may well never happen. But vilifying people who are suffering with an illness like addiction doesn't help.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 25/10/2021 11:19

Doesn't sound like he truly believes he has a problem yet and is in denial, he has not yet hit rock bottom.... he therefore has zero control at this point in time

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 25/10/2021 11:19

OP I really hope you're doing ok Thanks

Mayhemmumma · 25/10/2021 12:07

It sounds really frightening. You need your family and friends to help you, open up reach out for help from people who love you - they will 'get it' and know him to be nice when sober.

You can't live your life in fear.

Youknownothingsnow · 25/10/2021 12:21

Call Woman’s Aid and they can guide you through the process of splitting up properly. He won’t be able to have her drunk so that won’t be an issue. It is definitely safer to stay moved out and not go back with him. You think your daughter doesn’t know about what’s going on - she does. She will have noticed that we’re tired and preoccupied the day after the last violent incident. Just because she hasn’t seen it she will know as children are like sponges for emotions.

Once you have benefits and your own place sorted you’ll feel a lot better and it won’t be your problem anymore. It’s his problem and only he can fix it which is no longer your concern.

EarthSight · 25/10/2021 19:03

@Limeeye I wish you healing and peace x

Limeeye · 25/10/2021 20:34

Thank you @EarthSight Smile

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