Husband cheated

[Lunalovepud]

I've been married to my husband for 11 years and we have two children.

Last weekend he was away with friends, got really drunk amongst other things, and cheated.

He's devastated and disgusted with himself, swears it was a one off, hadn't happened before and will never happen again etc, he'll do it anything to save our marriage.

He's really been struggling with his mental health recently but has refused to do anything about it but now, he's seen the GP and self referred to talking therapy. He's also booked an Std screening.

I don't want to split up my family over this but I'm so angry. I can't believe he would do this to us.

I can't see a way through this. I'm already having a really difficult time with a narc parent and a disabled child... I really think it was a cry for me help on his part but I just can't believe he would do this to us.

I'm SO sorry this has happened, the only part that makes it minutely better is that he came clean straight away. The rest I'm afraid is all just excuses, plenty of people really struggle with their mental health, myself included, have done for years, but it's never turned me into a cheater (years ago it was as much as I could do to get through the day let alone going out at night). Please don't be taken down the sympathy path by him, it will bite you on the backside later.

However, he did own up, he's saying all the right things now so maybe, just maybe, it is a one off. You will be angry and sad and everything in between for a long while, and from personal experience, you won't know the way forward until things have settled down many months from now, so there's no rush to make a decision to stay or go, and you can always change your mind further down the line. It's a horrible thing to have happened, I really feel for you

I'm so sorry OP, I don't think you can ever say what you would do until in the situation yourself but for me I'd find the mental health issues just an excuse - lots of people have poor MH but they don't go out and cheat.
I look at my DH and think if he did it to me would I be able to move past it and no I don't think I could, trust and loyalty to me is a fundamental part of a relationship and when that's gone even if it's just for 2.5 minutes of sex with someone else I don't think you can ever get it back. The Being with friends dynamic I also find distasteful - they presumably could have intervened if they had any respect for you and made sure he got home alone. I wouldn't be able to forgive them either.

Don't allow him to be the victim here and make you feel sorry for him, a lot of men do this and the woman then feels guilty. 'A cry for help' doesnt mean sticking it in another woman will help his mental health, that's bollocks.

I'm cynical and I do believe a lot of men are opportunists, if the chance for sex is there they take it and maybe regret it afterwards. He has come clean which is one positive but don't make excuses for him, this is on him to own it and fix it, make it up to you.

Did he own up to this immediately or did you guess something had happened?

I'm so sorry.

This is really recent and you may still be in shock. Is he still in the house with you? If so, you may want to ask him to leave and give you a bit of breathing/thinking/raging space.

It's good news that he's finally getting help (although not so good that he resisted for so long). But in addition to the MH issues, if he got so drunk he did something completely out of character that disgusts his sober self and risks his relationship and family life despite those being very important to him - then he also may have a serious alcohol problem. I'm not a teetotaler by any means and don't think likes a drink = alcoholic, but this is extreme. People don't normally act totally out of character when drunk; if anything it emboldens them to do what they want to do without thinking through the consequences. I'd ask him to quit drinking for now (if he hasn't already) and if he can't he needs outside help with that too.

As far as whether the two of you can get through it - there are so many variables. You're not wrong if you're sure you can't, but you also don't have to decide that today. If you both want to try, expect a long, difficult process. If he really will do anything, that's a good sign because he'll need to. It will be hard for both of you and if he's completely sincere, he'll need to put his ego completely aside and deal with the fact that you will be angry and distrustful, and he'll be working hard to regain your trust, for years. Is that something he can handle on top of MH issues?

When and if you're ready to try, I really recommend finding the best marriage counsellor you can and committing to work with them for as long as it takes. Sometimes it becomes clear early on that reconciliation isn't possible, but even in that case the counseling can help you part on decent terms, which is really of value with young children that will bind you together in some ways for many years.

I don't like using poor mental health as a cop out. I have had awful mental health at times, never jumped another man or looked elsewhere though.

I'm sorry but him immediately jumping to blame his mental health is awful. So that means that whenever things are tough in life, you'll have to brace yourself for him self-medicating by shagging someone else? Bizarre and also means you should definitely split now then, eh?

He did what he wanted to do. That's it really.

No I couldn't get past it. I know that you don't know until it's you in the firing line, but honestly, I know myself well enough to know that even if I didn't have the courage/anger to actually end it and tried to forgive, life would be absolute hell because I wouldn't ever be able to move past it. I'd hate him for it and it would either be game over straight away, or a couple of years of pure hell and recrimination before the inevitable hate-filled split.

Bit rich that he’s trying to play the victim.

And it wouldn’t be you breaking up the family. His actions alone have done that.

I’m so sorry

I am sorry OP. You must feel heartbroken.

It is awful - I have been there and did not think I would survive the pain and trauma but I did. I tried for several years and left as there was nothing but resentment and hurt left.

The one positive thing is your dh told you immediately. Very few men confess unless they are about to be found out. My dh hid his infidelities from me for over a decade. One was confessed (the bare minimum of course) and the others stumbled out when I literally begged to know the truth. I was like a lapdog

Only you will know what you wish to do. You will go up and down and through all the emotions; grief, anger, depression, denial. Reach out for support from a good friend and family. Please do not do what I did, kept quiet due to shame and sheer desperation at wanting to work things out and keep the family unit.

He told me yesterday - it happened Saturday night.

He's not blaming his mental health.. It's just a relevant background thing.

I'm utterly heartbroken.

My parents had a really acrimonious split when I was a child and I can't do that to my children...

This is the only pure thing I have had in my life - this relationship and this family - and he's smashed it up for an impulsive few minutes.

It's a nightmare I can't wake up from...

I'm so sorry this has happened, and please know that this is all on him, it's no reflection on you at all. It also wouldnt be you breaking up the family, his actions would be the thing to blame!

One thing I really highly recommend is asking him to leave to give you some space to think things over with a clear head. If he's around you can't think clearly and he's going to be lovebombing you and begging forgiveness and it's just impossible to think thins over clearly. It's the one thing I really wish I had done after I discovered my husband's betrayal, I really really regret not taking that space for myself as I thnk thinhs may have turned out very differently if I had.

I feel like every single post I read on MN where the husband is cheating, there is always a comment about his mental health and he is 'now' going to seek support. It's a ridiculous cop-out, don't let yourself believe it.

He needs to leave for a while at least. But, no, I could never live with this. How disgusting. We all have a lot going on but another man's penis is not the solution. And I guess the STI check is because he didn't use protection? Could she be pregnant? Who is she? A random? Why did he tell you? Did he have her number, were they messaging?

Erickbroch
Not to derail but I agree. Prior to most spouses discovering infidelity there is no effort made on the betrayers part to seek help. The desperation to seek help only comes after the shit hits the fan and they are faced with what they could lose.

My STBXH did not once seek help in over ten years. It did not occur to him as he was not at risk of losing anything - his infidelities were hidden.

I am so sorry OP .

I have a narc parent and child with disabilities, and don't know how I would cope with this on top of all that so I take my hat off to you and really feel for you .

However, his mental health issues are not an excuse for cheating and you don't cheat on your partner and almost destroy what you have to cry for help. He is a grown man who needs to learn to control himself when out with his friends and not get into a state he would cheat.

Ok, so he regrets it and is very sorry but the bottom line is, he shouldn't have got himself into that state in the first place. Hindsight is a wonderful thing I know, but you need to ask yourself, if you choose to try to work it out, how are you going to feel when goes out with his friends in the future? Will he go out and not drink to stop him losing control of what he's doing? If he is drinking, how are you going to feel with regards to trusting him? I always think when someone cheats under the influence of heavy drink, then the person shouldn't be drinking at all if they don't know when to stop that they lose control, and indicates an issue with their relationship with alcohol too (I am not saying your DH has a drink problem, but just that he shouldn't be drinking if he can't control himself).

It is entirely your decision what to do from here, and I realise there are kids involved which affects things. If you choose to work it out then I'd recommend relationship counselling as a couple. I wish you all the best and I hope you make the best decision for you and your family

There are families who survive infidelity. There is a book by some woman, I can't remember the name, Perel or something I think. Your marriage and family does not have to end because of this if you both want to save it.

You are not without agency here. You have paths to choose from.

I'm assuming she's a stranger? If so, does the fact it was 'just sex' make a difference?

I don't think I personally could get past this but I'm not going to say all the things you already know as you want to keep your family together and they won't help.

What do you want in the short term? Do you want him there? Do you want some time alone? Do you need all of the details or would you prefer to not know and pretend it didn't happen?

Take it day by day and do everything your way at your pace x

People make mistakes.It is horrible and I would be heartbroken,however does one wrong thing outweigh every right thing he has done?
He came clean therefore clearly has respect for you and isn't most pleased with himself.It is entirely up to you and what you think is the best decision for you and your family however this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage.There are ways to address it.

OP you will not believe it now but you are in a much stronger position that many a betrayed woman who discover/is confessed to years down the line. Your dh's decision to confess in less than a week will mean you will not need to deal with another layer to this deceit - lying by ommission. You will never have to question past memories, past conversations, torment yourself with dh's behaviour patterns and accept your marriage was a lie for x number of years.

The act of infidelity in itself is abhorrent but the lies and deceit follow closely behind. I had to accept that my dh did not value me enough to confess. He did not even try in the ten years - not once. He did not see me as an equal in the marriage. I was the wife who he easily duped in order to have life the way he wanted it; 100% faithfulness from me and him having his cake and eating it while I was none the wiser.

It was with this painful knowledge and acceptance that I had to end things.

He’s full of excuses

I'm some ways, 'just sex' makes it better but then he risked everything we have for 'just sex'.

If it was sex and a relationship then it would have been dreadful but at least it would have been something meaningful he was risking our family for. Does that make any sense at all?

Absolutely makes sense. Reminds me of love actually when Emma Thompson’s character asks her husband ‘just sex, or sex and love?’ Because weirdly it does make a difference. Of course cheating is cheating and only you know how you want to go forward, but we are all here to lend an ear

You can get past it OP— thing is I can guarantee you will never feel exactly the same about them if you remain— someone told me that, I remained, still care but that person was correct. Depends if you can live with that.

Tarasmala I do not understand the point of staying and accepting half a marriage. The betrayed spouse has a lot more to lose while for the straying spouse, life pretty much goes back to normal. The strayer knows you have been willing to work past their infidelity.

Do they respect this fact or will it be even easier to cheat again when the opportunity arises again?

What consequences does the strayer face? I regret not kicking out my stbxh from the day of discovery. At that point I was so desperate to 'save' my marriage and living through the excruciating pain of realising he did not love/value me enough not to cheat. I remember feeling abandoned and worthless. That nearly finished me off.