Husband cheated

[Lunalovepud]

I've been married to my husband for 11 years and we have two children.

Last weekend he was away with friends, got really drunk amongst other things, and cheated.

He's devastated and disgusted with himself, swears it was a one off, hadn't happened before and will never happen again etc, he'll do it anything to save our marriage.

He's really been struggling with his mental health recently but has refused to do anything about it but now, he's seen the GP and self referred to talking therapy. He's also booked an Std screening.

I don't want to split up my family over this but I'm so angry. I can't believe he would do this to us.

I can't see a way through this. I'm already having a really difficult time with a narc parent and a disabled child... I really think it was a cry for me help on his part but I just can't believe he would do this to us.

Personally this is something I would forgive. A hedonistic and stupid moment that he clearly regrets ... it isn’t enough to end a happy marriage and family unit. You might feel differently of course but for me it shows a desire to feel something ‘else’ and he chose sex - a premeditated and calculating affair is a different story but this seems like a genuine moment of madness. I don’t think any of us are actually immune to that. I also don’t like the idea of ‘punishment’ or his making it up to you like some sort of ‘atonement’ - you’re grown ups are you not? I’d say it’s a moment that was made in error and because you love him you can forgive that as none of us are perfect or live blameless lives. You love him: it’s worth reaching a state of acceptance that this has happened and finding a way to carry it. Happy people don’t generally do this (cheat on a crazy night out) so I would believe that he is struggling with his mental health. MDMA and especially coke won’t help with that though. Counselling will. For both of you? The book a pp mentioned is Ester Perel state of affairs and I highly recommend.

So he slept with someone having previously told you that infidelity was a deal breaker? And having been hurt by that himself?

He is not coming out of this at all well, Op. Good luck with deciding what happens next.

my mental health has also been in the toilet and I haven't hopped on the first offered penis to take my mind off of it - and there have been opportunities for me to cheat, I just never have

Exactly, and I would make this very clear.

I think it's a positive that he told you at least, but I wouldn't entertain any notion of him being a victim for a minute.

The drug use alone would be enough for me to end it! Disgusting!

@Motnight

So he slept with someone having previously told you that infidelity was a deal breaker? And having been hurt by that himself?

He is not coming out of this at all well, Op. Good luck with deciding what happens next.

I KNOW, RIGHT?!! He's felt it and PUNISHED someone else for it (they are friends now, years later but had to work through it all) and although he loved her, decided that he could not return to the relationship because he couldn't permitthe infidelity.

Guess his morals aren't so perfect now it's him going outside the relationship... But then, that's men, right?

Situations like this are absolute 100% proof that sexuality is not a choice.

The drug use would be the dealbreaker for me. I couldn’t trust anyone that thinks doing Coke and other drugs like that is okay especially with children. The one night stand would be something I could work thru

Its happened to me, similar to your situation i.e Drunken ONS.
Difference was we were not in a great place and hadn't been for a while. However it sounds like you have both had a tough time over the last couple of years. I think having kids and what that does to a relationship should never be under estimated..

They really can't be used as excuses BUT they are factors. We ask the question 'why did you do it?' And we will never accept the response 'I don't know', so he will be trying to give reasons to why he feels like it happened. His mental health, the struggles of having a child with disabilities, the changes in both the people you are, you have changed from party people, carefree etc etc NOT excuses but all factors. And the fact he said at the moment he did it he wasn't thinking of you or the kids is 100% true otherwise he wouldn't have done it.
My husband said it was just a perfect storm. We weren't getting on, life was shit, he was miserable, i was miserable, we were rowing that night etc etc. none excuse him from what he did but it is what ot is.
He, like your husband, couldn't believe what he'd done almost immediately. Devastated, guilt ridden, disgusted with himself etc etc etc.
We have 'almost' gotten over it now 18 months later (i know, i know in MN world that makes me a door mat and a mug with no self respect) but although I don't condone cheating and i hope it is something i would never do I do believe he deeply regretted it, it was a mistake and having seen the upset it caused me and us was enough to completely flip our lives around to something actually better....i am now actually much happier than i was before.

So there is the opportunity to look at your life and really shake it up and move towards a different life together or ultimately HE has broken what you have and it cannot be repaired. It will not be you that has torn up the family it would have been him. That hit home with my husband when i said that he didn't just have sex that night he made a decision that could completely blow our kids lives apart which would have consequences on them for the rest of there lives and could potentially have caused them a lot of sadness and because of that i had lost respect for the man/father i thought he was.

Look end is i never ever in a million years thought i would stay with a cheater.. until it happened to me, and that was one of the major hurdles i had to overcome was that I wasn't the person i thought i was, did it make me weak, a mug etc and im happy with myself now xxx
Good luck, take time, rage, cry and be happy when it comes xxxx

@AmIteallythatstupid

Its happened to me, similar to your situation i.e Drunken ONS. Difference was we were not in a great place and hadn't been for a while. However it sounds like you have both had a tough time over the last couple of years. I think having kids and what that does to a relationship should never be under estimated.. They really can't be used as excuses BUT they are factors. We ask the question 'why did you do it?' And we will never accept the response 'I don't know', so he will be trying to give reasons to why he feels like it happened. His mental health, the struggles of having a child with disabilities, the changes in both the people you are, you have changed from party people, carefree etc etc NOT excuses but all factors. And the fact he said at the moment he did it he wasn't thinking of you or the kids is 100% true otherwise he wouldn't have done it. My husband said it was just a perfect storm. We weren't getting on, life was shit, he was miserable, i was miserable, we were rowing that night etc etc. none excuse him from what he did but it is what ot is. He, like your husband, couldn't believe what he'd done almost immediately. Devastated, guilt ridden, disgusted with himself etc etc etc. We have 'almost' gotten over it now 18 months later (i know, i know in MN world that makes me a door mat and a mug with no self respect) but although I don't condone cheating and i hope it is something i would never do I do believe he deeply regretted it, it was a mistake and having seen the upset it caused me and us was enough to completely flip our lives around to something actually better....i am now actually much happier than i was before. So there is the opportunity to look at your life and really shake it up and move towards a different life together or ultimately HE has broken what you have and it cannot be repaired. It will not be you that has torn up the family it would have been him. That hit home with my husband when i said that he didn't just have sex that night he made a decision that could completely blow our kids lives apart which would have consequences on them for the rest of there lives and could potentially have caused them a lot of sadness and because of that i had lost respect for the man/father i thought he was.

Look end is i never ever in a million years thought i would stay with a cheater.. until it happened to me, and that was one of the major hurdles i had to overcome was that I wasn't the person i thought i was, did it make me weak, a mug etc and im happy with myself now xxx
Good luck, take time, rage, cry and be happy when it comes xxxx

Thank you.

How did you manage the first days and weeks? I feel like I can't get out of bed. I've told my kids I'm not well but can't do this forever. How do I face people? We're having visitors etc... I don't know if I can do this.

I have never been so hurt in my life.

I am utterly heartbroken.

I've been through some really dark times in my life but this is without a doubt the absolute worst. It's physical pain. I can't eat, or sleep can't keep off the loo...

I'm such a cliche... Happy housewife with beautiful kids who thinks my marriage is my happy ever after but really, my husband is a stranger. It's true... Happy endings just mean it's not really the end yet.

Oh it was grim! It was my daughters birthday 2 days later so had to put on a fake smile. And yes pretended i was ill. In the end though my husband told the kids thats he had done a mean unkind thing to me and i was quite rightly sad and cross which cut me a bit of slack. But i drank a lot of wine and lost a lot of weight.

There were a cple of occasions where it got too much and he did have to go for the night. I get what your saying about why should he go and rest etc but on the occasions he went I felt an overwhelming calm and peace because i could just be myself and the kids and just forget what was going on and i was able to get a check on myself and start again.

You have only just found out so you just have to embrace your feelings, they are completely normal. Offer him no promises, take everyday as it comes and have some VERY honest conversations with your hisbamd. Get every niggle every annoyance out on the table and ask him to do the same. We did this and actually we then started to tell each ither all the good things about each other and it just started to get better.

But husband did and said and continues to do and say all the right things. Its all cery well being sorry but his actions will tell you if he is or not xxx

Luna, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

You are in shock, you are traumatised. Please do not think that your reaction is anything other than absolutely normal. I’m really sorry to say that experts in infidelity give a healing time of two to five years and I absolutely agree with that from my own timeline. You’re just starting.

You dont need to even decide whether you want to stay or go. That can come. Right now you do you. You scream, shout, cry and feel everything. The lens in which you view the world has been shattered and you need to find a new lens, that takes time.

Eat, hydrate, exercise, and allow your husband to pick up the pieces you just can’t manage right now.

As for your husband what he did came from a place of selfishness and entitlement, yes mental health is context but not a reason.

It is entirely possible for a cheat to do the work and become a safe partner. Weirdly your husband has actually shown some courage on telling you, vast majority don’t. I know it hurts though.

Go tell him to do his own bloody work. Tell him to read the books, watch the videos, reach out on the forums, and work out what you need to heal. (He can get some counselling, you will need that too). You can watch and wait, heal and then decide based on his actions. A good starting point for you to figure out if you should even consider giving him a chance is ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ not a long book but will help you understand what he needs to do. Surviving infidelity forum is a great support and has a very good wayward section for cheaters who are trying to do better, they don’t hold back.

But, and this is really key, with time you may find out that this is a deal breaker, and for many it is. But you also may find out that actually your values and priorities mean you’d rather stay and work with a remorseful partner, and that OK too! It doesn’t mean you have no respect, or you’re a walkover, or whatever bs I read on here all the time!

I would just caution anyone choosing to stay to really gain a knowledge of infidelity and what true remorse looks like in reality, as many betrayed rugsweep or blame themselves, try harder in the marriage but this doesn’t work.

But right now you do you! I have been there, I know how much you’re hurting, I know the feeling of looking at someone you thought you knew but clearly didn’t at all. Huge hug.

Did he use protection? Tbh I couldn't bring myself to be intimate again knowing he had been with another woman, I'd be constantly comparing.

I did this when I was young (a student) yes I was drunk, yes there were some drugs involved and I wouldn't have made the choice sober, firstly I choose to not be sober but ultimately I didn't have the underlying respect for my then boyfriend. I was out having a good time and someone caught my eye, I wasn't taken advantage of etc. He was willing to forgive but I ended the relationship. I don't take drugs as an adult and if I go out for drinks with friends I'm not looking at any other men even if I've had a few too many, I'm thinking about going home to my husband. He's left you in an awful position with a child with disabilities he probably knows you won't leave as you'd have to do it alone and that's hard, lonely and frightening.

Has he had a vasectomy OP? If he needs an STD check is that because he didn't use protection? So many possible consequences to his actions. I'm sorry OP it's such a shit thing for him to have done and you're the innocent having to pick up the pieces . It didn't sound like he would forgive you if roles had been reversed.

Have a look on the chump lady website.

*I have never been so hurt in my life.

I am utterly heartbroken.

I've been through some really dark times in my life but this is without a doubt the absolute worst. It's physical pain. I can't eat, or sleep can't keep off the loo...*

OP the pain is indescribable. You feel you will not survive it I recall howling like an animal on the floor. I had the shakes for weeks and lost two stone.

You need to try to get through each hour. You will.lose your appetite. Drink regularly. Snack on whatever you can. Please speak to a good friend. You will need a confidant. Cry, scream, shout - let it out. Bottling your emotions is of no benefit to you.

Please do not try to rush through the healing process in the hope of getting back to normal. Your marriage as you knew it has gone. A poster above stated it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, this is whether you stay or go.

@Lovinglife45

*I have never been so hurt in my life.

I am utterly heartbroken.

I've been through some really dark times in my life but this is without a doubt the absolute worst. It's physical pain. I can't eat, or sleep can't keep off the loo...*

OP the pain is indescribable. You feel you will not survive it I recall howling like an animal on the floor. I had the shakes for weeks and lost two stone.

You need to try to get through each hour. You will.lose your appetite. Drink regularly. Snack on whatever you can. Please speak to a good friend. You will need a confidant. Cry, scream, shout - let it out. Bottling your emotions is of no benefit to you.

Please do not try to rush through the healing process in the hope of getting back to normal. Your marriage as you knew it has gone. A poster above stated it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, this is whether you stay or go.

It's dreadful... Most of my calories on the last day or so have been from wine... So then ok feeling worse the next day but I can't sleep or relax otherwise. Got the shakes. Feel I can't breathe. It is indescribable.

He wants a chance to fix things and promises he'll never let me down again and I want to believe him so much but that's because it would go some way to alleviating this horrible feeling rather than because it's the right thing to do.

I'm looking at child maintenance and benefits entitlement - I haven't worked since we had the kids - I can't believe I'm even researching this.

The thought of him ever touching me again makes me want to vomit.

OP I understand your need to want to get rid of the awful gut punch and to escape. Unfortunately, reconciling will not relieve you of this. I remember the awful knot in my stomach and the ongoing anxiety, particularly first thing in the morning. You may go through hysterical bonding which creates a false sense of togetherness. I did it for several weeks in a desperate bid to prove I was sexy, loveable, desirable, that I 'had' him.

It is a pity that cheaters do not think of the destruction they will cause before embarking on their affair. His promises mean nothing at this stage as he has already hurt you and let you down. How can he guarantee he will not hurt you in this way again? He cannot.

You will realise what you are able to deal with as time goes on. At present you have to focus on yourself. Your dh of course will want to rush the process which he has no right to do. The ball is in your court whether you choose to stay or go. You can change your mind at any time.

So sorry this happened OP but I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who had slept with someone else while they were with me. He knew what he was doing.

@Lunalovepud

He told me yesterday - it happened Saturday night.

He's not blaming his mental health.. It's just a relevant background thing.

I'm utterly heartbroken.

My parents had a really acrimonious split when I was a child and I can't do that to my children...

This is the only pure thing I have had in my life - this relationship and this family - and he's smashed it up for an impulsive few minutes.

It's a nightmare I can't wake up from...

Don't stay just because of the kids. I don't have kids myself so probably easier to say but the 'now' environment they will grow up in- which will probably involve a toxic atmosphere and resentment between their parents.

You will constantly have this in the back of your mind.

Did the woman know he was married ?

Why did he tell you, OP? Was he worried that someone else would? Or was he just unloading his burden and dumping it into you instead?

Pugmumm
I agree that the reason for staying should not be solely for the children. You need to decide to stay for you, because you want to be with your husband . The dc were my main reason for trying (finances were a close second) and it was not enough. I was snappy, depressed and we argued no end. This greatly affected my dc.

Your marriage is a model to your dc. Unless a betrayed spouse is able to push down their emotions (I couldn't do it), your dc will pick up on the toxic atmosphere and the lack of love between their parents.

Just read your post OP. I am so sorry for your deep heartbreak. Many of us on MN have been in your position. The shock, deep hurt, questioning, the what, why's and how's running through your brain. The inability to sleep eat or function. I feel every word in your posts as have felt these things too when the rug got pulled from under my feet too. You dont have to leave, you can rebuild if you want to. However, your marriage as you knew it is over. You have to build a new marriage now. It wont be the blissful one you thought you had but a realistic one where people make mistakes and try and work through them. You will change through this and so will he. You need to work through these changes and see if you are going to come through this still as a compatible couple. I always remember this "we are free to make choices at any given time, we are never free of the consequences of those choices".

litterbird
What a wonderful saying. There will always be consequences, however further down the road. People are naive to believe they are somehow exempt from this.

‘Don't stay just because of the kids. I don't have kids myself so probably easier to say but the 'now' environment they will grow up in- which will probably involve a toxic atmosphere and resentment between their parents.

You will constantly have this in the back of your mind.‘

Sorry but this is another generalisation that just annoys me! I’m reconciled with kids. Part of our reconciliation (my rule… to myself) is that I let go of any resentment and I did! My children are not growing up in a toxic environment there is no resentment! We are happy, healthy, determined and in a better position than some couples who split over this bs!

Rant over!

I totally agree the marriage isn’t the same but it is one that can be built and healthy. I don’t forgive but I accept there’s a BIG difference!