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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheated

114 replies

Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 07:51

I've been married to my husband for 11 years and we have two children.

Last weekend he was away with friends, got really drunk amongst other things, and cheated.

He's devastated and disgusted with himself, swears it was a one off, hadn't happened before and will never happen again etc, he'll do it anything to save our marriage.

He's really been struggling with his mental health recently but has refused to do anything about it but now, he's seen the GP and self referred to talking therapy. He's also booked an Std screening.

I don't want to split up my family over this but I'm so angry. I can't believe he would do this to us.

I can't see a way through this. I'm already having a really difficult time with a narc parent and a disabled child... I really think it was a cry for me help on his part but I just can't believe he would do this to us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 14:16

@Aggy35

People make mistakes.It is horrible and I would be heartbroken,however does one wrong thing outweigh every right thing he has done? He came clean therefore clearly has respect for you and isn't most pleased with himself.It is entirely up to you and what you think is the best decision for you and your family however this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage.There are ways to address it.
I don't want to end my marriage. Not at the moment, anyway. I know I might change my mind.

I'm just heartbroken.

He's asked if I want to see a therapist together to talk it through and I think that would be a good start...

He's desperate to try to save things.

In some ways I'm angry he told me... Why didn't he just deal with the guilt himself and let me continue to live in blissful ignorance?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 14:19

@Aggy35

People make mistakes.It is horrible and I would be heartbroken,however does one wrong thing outweigh every right thing he has done? He came clean therefore clearly has respect for you and isn't most pleased with himself.It is entirely up to you and what you think is the best decision for you and your family however this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage.There are ways to address it.
No - aside from this he's a fantastic husband and father... That's the thing that makes it so much worse...

I know he's found having a disabled child very challenging but then I'm the primary carer and I'm not cheating towards deal with the stress... I'd never have cheated.

OP posts:
Munchkinpumpkin · 22/10/2021 14:22

Yh right maybe he thought there was a chance you would find out.. and a cry for help? Not likely. You are cushioning the blow.. he was horny and fancied her.. and you wasnt in his thoughts. He is a creep.

beautifulview · 22/10/2021 14:23

I wouldn’t be able to move past this. He can’t use alcohol or being drunk as an excuse surely? If drunk he wouldn’t be able to perform? At some point he has been sober enough to chat this woman up. It’s the intention. How did he engage with her enough to get to the point of shagging or did he go with a prostitute? I think you need a lot more information. Who was he away with and why didn’t they intervene. Lots more questions need to be asked by you before you let him off the hook.

beautifulview · 22/10/2021 14:24

I think the marriage has to be over. If he doesn’t feel some consequences then what, he never socialises again? He now can’t ever be trusted again. For the rest of your lives. What a crap life. You deserve better than this nonsense

girlmom21 · 22/10/2021 14:26

He probably told you because he was out with his friends and worried it might get back to you.

Sometimes one of the guys will tell one of their partners who'll insist on the scorned woman being informed.

Or he might just genuinely not want to lie to you.

Those of you trying to make OP feel shitty should leave the thread. She doesn't need you insulting him or her. She knows what he's done and is hoping to get through it.

She doesn't deserve to be punished for his actions. She came here for support.

BlueberrySugar · 22/10/2021 14:31

He came clean therefore clearly has respect for you and isn't most pleased with himself

Respect? Someone who respects someone doesn't go off and have sex with someone else. He was scared he'd be found out.

I know you want to stay with him so put it behind you if you can?

I personally wouldn't and he'd be out.

SummerInSun · 22/10/2021 14:37

I have good friends where this happened - the DH had a drunken one night stand, but owned up pretty much immediately. This led to them really talking and focussing on what was working and not working in their marriage, what they both needed, did they want to be together for the rest of their lives, etc? In their case, they decided they did really want to make it work and really listened to each other, not just about the incident but about how they were feeling about their roles as parents, their careers, how they were supporting each other, etc. They didn't have a counsellor to help facilitate their discussions but it's probably easier with (a good) one.

They came through it stronger than they had been before, and they are both genuinely much happier in their marriage than they had been in the immediate run up to the event. Weirdly, the awful cheating was a catalyst to realise that they'd let things drift a bit and to pull things back together.

I realise this isn't every case - indeed it's not most cases - and they are remarkable people to have achieved this. But it's not as simple as "he cheated, he's a jerk, throw him out for good". Don't make any decisions now while you are feeling so raw.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/10/2021 14:39

Last weekend he was away with friends, got really drunk amongst other things, and cheated

Amongst other things? Do you mean drugs too?

He's blamed his mental health and stress and is allowing you to frame him shagging someone else as a cry for help.
Please don't allow him to do that. YOU are also caring for a disabled child, dealing with a narc parent and other life stresses - but managed to realise that shagging someone else isn't going to help.

It wasn't a cry for help, it was cheating while drunk and had the opportunity.

Please don't allow him to rewrite the narrative of this betrayal as him being the victim of circumstance.

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 22/10/2021 14:46

No point us all assuming what this man is like. None of us have met him.

OP, you need time, space and a non judgemental place to discuss this.

Too much judgement on Mumsnet, when no one know you or DH.

I think you need to ask him to leave for a week. Then start therapy together. Then see how it goes.

workshy44 · 22/10/2021 14:58

Usually I am the first to say LTB in cheating situations but in this case i think it is a little different. He owned up for one added to the fact it was a one time thing, not an affair and , he was v drunk. Also a disabled child adds unimaginable stress to your life.
Personally I would probably ask him to leave for a while but I would want to see if the relationship was salvageable

OtterAndDog · 22/10/2021 15:06

I respect him for telling you as he must have been very scared of the consequences, but obviously what he has done is awful. You know him best and can decide whether it's out of character for him and whether you genuinely think he is remorseful. Then you can make your decision based on that. It's totally up to you whether you want to forgive him, and very understandable if you can't.

Mama234567 · 22/10/2021 15:39

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like this was out of character for him and he's trying to make sense of how he could betray you in this way but ultimately excuses aren't acceptable. He just needs to own it, take responsibility and be sorry. You did not deserve this.

If he hardly knew the other woman, was drunk and confessed shortly afterwards then I think getting through this is possible but you are within your rights to grieve and have space and time away from him first before you can make a decision. I would ask him to stay somewhere else and maybe just come round to see the children while you are this hurt.

Personally I have not been in this situation but I have been through a temporary separation and then getting back together for our son and the relationship is different now knowing that we haven't always been there for each other. There is hurt, pain and horrible stuff in the history of my relationship now but I feel closer to my husband in other ways after going through hard times together. Maybe you could have this too but that is a long way off. Take care of yourself x

MsDogLady · 22/10/2021 15:45

Luna, was this OW a sex worker, a random stranger, an acquaintance, or one of the friends he was away with? Is he still in contact with this person?

foreverandalways · 22/10/2021 15:49

His bags would be packed.....would be over for me

Drinkingallthewine · 22/10/2021 16:04

Something similar happened to a couple in my family. Supporting everyone in the fallout so closely it gave DP and I a huge insight into how infidelity implodes a relationship,and the wider family as well, and even if the cheater is absolutely remorseful, and even if the betrayed finds the strength to forgive and try their best to give a second chance, it's still a long shot to have a successful relationship afterwards - it's a different one for sure.

You won't have all the answers now - you might not know them for months, or might flip between staying and leaving. And you might want to forgive in order to try to get back to where you were but remember, it's ok if, a year from now, you want to call it a day. It's ok to say you tried but couldn't get past it. And it won't be you breaking up anything then - it's already shattered. What you have now is the unenviable task of trying to fix something shattered beyond repair.
So take your time. His feelings and his wishes don't matter here. Take what you need -if that's space to think, or you need counselling, or whatever, for now, focus on you. He can want and wish and beg all he likes but it's easy to do that after he threw the grenade into your lives and got his little thrill.

Thewookiemustgo · 22/10/2021 16:22

So sorry this has happened to you OP. You are currently in shock and need to take very good care of yourself.
Unless infidelity has always been an instant deal-breaker for you (and it’s common fir this to be most people’s stance before it actually happens to them) then now is not a good time to make decisions.
The thing to decide is whether or not you need and can access support and/or a little space for yourself (very hard with a disabled child to care for, granted) and go to infidelity websites, there are lots of them with great advice, whether you want to end your relationship or not.
This is not your fault, but your marriage’s fault, not the stress of caring for a disabled child’s fault, not his is mental health’s fault. You did nothing to make him cheat, cheating is a choice made by the cheater. Drunk or not, when the opportunity arose he chose to take it.
Now he needs to tell you everything, (only the details you want to hear, but all of the ones you ask got) including why, and the reasons are not in my above sentence. The reasons lie with him.
Try to eat, keep hydrated and try to get some sleep. Not easy, you have been blindsided and probably wonder who the hell he actually is at the moment.
Google the affair recovery website and another by a couple called Linda and Doug. Lots of hard hitting but sound advice. He needs to do the same and gain insight on why he risked everything for this.

Good luck and don’t make big decisions unless you feel calm and have enough clarity. There’s no shame in staying or leaving, you do what’s right for you.
My family and marriage was the most pure thing in my life too before this happened to me. It’s devastating for all involved and can’t be dealt with quickly or swept under the rug.
Take great care of yourself. XX

Thewookiemustgo · 22/10/2021 16:24

Typo in my last post. It’s not your marriage’s fault! Bloody spell checker changed not to but. His fault and his alone OP.

Original poster
Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 16:40

@SummerInSun

I have good friends where this happened - the DH had a drunken one night stand, but owned up pretty much immediately. This led to them really talking and focussing on what was working and not working in their marriage, what they both needed, did they want to be together for the rest of their lives, etc? In their case, they decided they did really want to make it work and really listened to each other, not just about the incident but about how they were feeling about their roles as parents, their careers, how they were supporting each other, etc. They didn't have a counsellor to help facilitate their discussions but it's probably easier with (a good) one.

They came through it stronger than they had been before, and they are both genuinely much happier in their marriage than they had been in the immediate run up to the event. Weirdly, the awful cheating was a catalyst to realise that they'd let things drift a bit and to pull things back together.

I realise this isn't every case - indeed it's not most cases - and they are remarkable people to have achieved this. But it's not as simple as "he cheated, he's a jerk, throw him out for good". Don't make any decisions now while you are feeling so raw.

I kind of think this could happen for us, only because we have been so perfectly happy before... Life recently hasn't been easy at all and I'm not making excuses for him, it's dreadful what he's done.

I just feel so sad and lost - I'm a stay at home parent and my whole life is this family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 16:41

@MsDogLady

Luna, was this OW a sex worker, a random stranger, an acquaintance, or one of the friends he was away with? Is he still in contact with this person?
A random stranger... They're not in contact. I've checked his phone and I think we're past the point where any more lies would help him tbh...
OP posts:
Original poster
Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 16:51

I don't think I can ask him to leave at the moment. It would be too disruptive for my children who both need routine and consistency to be happy.

Plus I don't think that being unfaithful should be rewarded with a few days in a nice hotel or air bnb with plenty of sleep an no night wakings, early mornings or coping with meltdowns. If anything, I should be the one leaving!

You're all right though - he saw an opportunity and made the decision to take it. I have had many opportunities since we have been together but have never taken them.

I'm a sahp and my whole life is this family... He's literally destroyed my life.

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 22/10/2021 16:58

If you desperately need space and want time away and it’s achievable, I think you should take some. If it’s easier that he stays and you have a break, I would tell him that’s what you’re going to do. If he gives you some space it should be the kind of space where you actually get some. If you get no space at all because you are busier than ever caring for everyone else, it’s not really space and time to think at all. Get all the support you can, OP. X

Original poster
Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 17:02

@beautifulview

I wouldn’t be able to move past this. He can’t use alcohol or being drunk as an excuse surely? If drunk he wouldn’t be able to perform? At some point he has been sober enough to chat this woman up. It’s the intention. How did he engage with her enough to get to the point of shagging or did he go with a prostitute? I think you need a lot more information. Who was he away with and why didn’t they intervene. Lots more questions need to be asked by you before you let him off the hook.
It all happened in the hotel at the end of the night - none of his friends were there or even know.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 17:07

@Thewookiemustgo

So sorry this has happened to you OP. You are currently in shock and need to take very good care of yourself. Unless infidelity has always been an instant deal-breaker for you (and it’s common fir this to be most people’s stance before it actually happens to them) then now is not a good time to make decisions. The thing to decide is whether or not you need and can access support and/or a little space for yourself (very hard with a disabled child to care for, granted) and go to infidelity websites, there are lots of them with great advice, whether you want to end your relationship or not. This is not your fault, but your marriage’s fault, not the stress of caring for a disabled child’s fault, not his is mental health’s fault. You did nothing to make him cheat, cheating is a choice made by the cheater. Drunk or not, when the opportunity arose he chose to take it. Now he needs to tell you everything, (only the details you want to hear, but all of the ones you ask got) including why, and the reasons are not in my above sentence. The reasons lie with him. Try to eat, keep hydrated and try to get some sleep. Not easy, you have been blindsided and probably wonder who the hell he actually is at the moment. Google the affair recovery website and another by a couple called Linda and Doug. Lots of hard hitting but sound advice. He needs to do the same and gain insight on why he risked everything for this.

Good luck and don’t make big decisions unless you feel calm and have enough clarity. There’s no shame in staying or leaving, you do what’s right for you.
My family and marriage was the most pure thing in my life too before this happened to me. It’s devastating for all involved and can’t be dealt with quickly or swept under the rug.
Take great care of yourself. XX

Absolutely. Drunk or not, drugs or not, when the opportunity arose he chose to take it.

He risked our marriage and our family for a grubby little indescretion with a random stranger. I can't believe he has done it. I'm utterly devastated.

OP posts:
Lovestoned · 22/10/2021 17:16

I'm a sahp and my whole life is this family

You've already given your decision and reasoning. You can't imagine a life outside of the one you have, and you need the support for your child. This sounds like a fear based decision, for your security and to keep the family unit together. That isn't wrong OP, it would be damn hard on your own right now, but you need to get realistic on the high statistics that you will be either very unhappy or split up in 3-5 years time. You say he is a good husband and father, but do you love him? Can you list things you love about him that aren't linked to his family duties?

Can you work on a hobby or get a part time job and ask for more support from DP with your child, since he is willing to do anything to save the marriage? It's so important that you have some independence and a life outside your family. Give yourself more choices going forward.