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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband cheated

114 replies

Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 07:51

I've been married to my husband for 11 years and we have two children.

Last weekend he was away with friends, got really drunk amongst other things, and cheated.

He's devastated and disgusted with himself, swears it was a one off, hadn't happened before and will never happen again etc, he'll do it anything to save our marriage.

He's really been struggling with his mental health recently but has refused to do anything about it but now, he's seen the GP and self referred to talking therapy. He's also booked an Std screening.

I don't want to split up my family over this but I'm so angry. I can't believe he would do this to us.

I can't see a way through this. I'm already having a really difficult time with a narc parent and a disabled child... I really think it was a cry for me help on his part but I just can't believe he would do this to us.

OP posts:

Feelingparanoid · 22/10/2021 17:26

How sure are you @Lunalovepud that it was a chance encounter? I know these things happen - is your DH drop dead gorgeous? - but it just seems much more likely that there would be an element of planning, either with a casual hook-up or a sex worker. There is no reason, really, to admit to a chance encounter as nobody would ever know. He may well be being honourable after the event, but that would appear to make him highly unusual.

Original poster

Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 17:31

@Feelingparanoid

How sure are you *@Lunalovepud* that it was a chance encounter? I know these things happen - is your DH drop dead gorgeous? - but it just seems much more likely that there would be an element of planning, either with a casual hook-up or a sex worker. There is no reason, really, to admit to a chance encounter as nobody would ever know. He may well be being honourable after the event, but that would appear to make him highly unusual.

I believe it was a chance encounter.

I think he told me because he can't cope with the guilt. Selfish.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/10/2021 17:32

Did he take drugs too, OP?

Original poster

Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 17:35

@Lovestoned

I'm a sahp and my whole life is this family

You've already given your decision and reasoning. You can't imagine a life outside of the one you have, and you need the support for your child. This sounds like a fear based decision, for your security and to keep the family unit together. That isn't wrong OP, it would be damn hard on your own right now, but you need to get realistic on the high statistics that you will be either very unhappy or split up in 3-5 years time. You say he is a good husband and father, but do you love him? Can you list things you love about him that aren't linked to his family duties?

Can you work on a hobby or get a part time job and ask for more support from DP with your child, since he is willing to do anything to save the marriage? It's so important that you have some independence and a life outside your family. Give yourself more choices going forward.

I do love him.

He's kind and supportive and funny and generous and he genuinely is a good person. It's completely out of character.

I think the hobby or part time job is a really good idea - I think that whatever happens this is a chance for me to do something more for myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 17:35

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Did he take drugs too, OP?

Yes.

OP posts:

Feelingparanoid · 22/10/2021 17:38

So he was off his head and wasn't really aware of what he was doing?

Polmuggle · 22/10/2021 17:44

Would you really rather he lied to you about it OP?

Original poster

Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 17:46

@Feelingparanoid

So he was off his head and wasn't really aware of what he was doing?

He was off his head for sure - as to not knowing what he was doing, I can't accept that.

I know that reality and perception are often skewed but he chose to take those drugs - he wasn't spiked - he knows the effects.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 17:48

@Polmuggle

Would you really rather he lied to you about it OP?

I'd rather it would never have happened at all but is it worth all of that this heartbreak for the knowledge of a random encounter? There's something to be said for blissful ignorance!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 17:52

I have asked him when reality hit him - when he realised the impact of what he'd done and he said it was afterwards before he tried to sleep.

He said he was completely out of his head and wasn't thinking about us at all at the time. Was completely detached from reality.

OP posts:

Lovinglife45 · 22/10/2021 18:00

Lunalovepad I respect your dh for confessing to you in the space of a week. I have read this relationship board for years and rarely have I come across a thread where the husband volunteered the information so quickly and without his hand being forced.

Feelingparanoid · 22/10/2021 18:01

@Lovinglife45

That's the bit that's worrisome!

AmandaHoldensLips · 22/10/2021 18:19

Fuck. What a nightmare.

This doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage. You can get past it and come out stronger together if that's what you both want.

He was a selfish stupid bastard for (a) having sex with her and (b) spilling his guts to you. But men can be incredibly selfish stupid bastards and often are.

He has hurt you deeply and now he will have to get on his hands and knees and do whatever it takes to make amends.

Good luck.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/10/2021 18:40

Chose to get that drunk
Chose to take drugs (coke I assume)
Chose to shag someone else

His choice to tell you about it doesn't, IMO, mean you should feel any more obliged to forgive this.

If you can't move past it, you're totally within your rights and I think the vast vast vast majority of people wouldn't be able to move past it either.

I certainly couldn't.

I don't know many people who take coke as a one off. Did you know he does? I was a regular user in my 20s, not a time I'm proud of but one that means I know a fair bit about it.

Was it that he went back to someone's house for an after party and ended up shagging someone there? I just couldn't respect a man who did that when they're in a relationship let alone married, especially with kids.

He's lucky you're even contemplating forgiving him. I'm so sorry this has happened

Original poster

Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 18:56

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Chose to get that drunk Chose to take drugs (coke I assume) Chose to shag someone else

His choice to tell you about it doesn't, IMO, mean you should feel any more obliged to forgive this.

If you can't move past it, you're totally within your rights and I think the vast vast vast majority of people wouldn't be able to move past it either.

I certainly couldn't.

I don't know many people who take coke as a one off. Did you know he does? I was a regular user in my 20s, not a time I'm proud of but one that means I know a fair bit about it.

He's lucky you're even contemplating forgiving him. I'm so sorry this has happened

He was staying in a hotel - chance encounter when he got back, coming up on MDMA. I beleive it was a chance encounter rather than a premeditated thing because it is just so out of character. He'd been drinking and coke too. TBH I am not angry about the drugs as a stand alone issue because pre children we were both party animals - I just think he bit off more than he could chew on this occasion because it has been so long. He apparently didn't realise the impact and the reality of what he had done until afterwards and he didn't think of us at all until then.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 19:00

@AmandaHoldensLips

Fuck. What a nightmare.

This doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage. You can get past it and come out stronger together if that's what you both want.

He was a selfish stupid bastard for (a) having sex with her and (b) spilling his guts to you. But men can be incredibly selfish stupid bastards and often are.

He has hurt you deeply and now he will have to get on his hands and knees and do whatever it takes to make amends.

Good luck.

Thank you.

It is a nightmare.

I can't eat or sleep - I can't say off the toilet and I feel sick. I thought I was done with all of this!

He is saying he is going to do whatever it takes and that he will do anything to fix it and save the relationship. I can't just turn my back on him at the moment - he has been a fucking idiot but one grubby indescretion can't invalidate 11 years and 2 kids. He's not evil, he's just a dickhead.

He's asked if I will go to counselling with him to start to talk through it and that he will sort it out and couselling for me alone etc - whatever I want.

OP posts:

Closetbeanmuncher · 22/10/2021 19:01

I really don't see what mental health problems have to do with cheating.

Closetbeanmuncher · 22/10/2021 19:03

So it actually has nothing to do with mental health problems does it - he was just tripping his tits off on pills and wanted to shag something.

Original poster

Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 19:03

Anoher thing is, he was cheated on in a previous relationship and it devastated him - he never really got over it so he understands the damage he has done.

I said to him earlier, if I would have done this, he would never have forgiven me. He's always said infidelity was a deal breaker for him and he would never be able to move past it. He was expecting me to kick him out there and then when he told me.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/10/2021 19:05

He needs to leave for a while so you can think but NOT opt out of parenting duties. He can stay with family / friends and still help with dinners, homework, bedtimes bath times. Whatever co-parenting is required he should now be willing to step up so you can think over what you want to do about the relationship.

So many men who cheat seem to consider it a package deal and think that if their partner ends the relationship, or is considering doing so, they can just opt out of parenting as it's something they do for the mother of their kids rather than for their kids.

Don't let him do that.

Original poster

Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 19:08

@Closetbeanmuncher

So it actually has nothing to do with mental health problems does it - he was just tripping his tits off on pills and wanted to shag something.

Yep - agreed. The mental health stuff is an underlying factor but my mental health has also been in the toilet and I haven't hopped on the first offered penis to take my mind off of it - and there have been opportunities for me to cheat, I just never have.

So yes, he was off his face on drugs, an opportunity arose and he decided to take it without a thought for his wife and children. That' the long and short of it.

OP posts:

Closetbeanmuncher · 22/10/2021 19:10

He apparently didn't realise the impact and the reality of what he had done until afterwards and he didn't think of us at all until then

There is no disconnect from reality with ecstacy or cocaine. What he actually means is I took drugs and put myself into a position around another woman where I knew sleeping with her was likely.

If you want to save it then by all means give it a whirl but I would smack down all this diminished responsibility bullshit immediately.

He was on drugs, wanted to shag something, and chose to. end of.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/10/2021 19:14

@Closetbeanmuncher

He apparently didn't realise the impact and the reality of what he had done until afterwards and he didn't think of us at all until then

There is no disconnect from reality with ecstacy or cocaine. What he actually means is I took drugs and put myself into a position around another woman where I knew sleeping with her was likely.

If you want to save it then by all means give it a whirl but I would smack down all this diminished responsibility bullshit immediately.

He was on drugs, wanted to shag something, and chose to. end of.

I absolutely agree with this as hard as it is to hear OP. He was making bad decisions, but he was making them knowing what they meant. He is really trying to shift accountability as much as he can.

Didn't just drink, got hammered
Didn't just get hammered, took coke
Didn't just take coke, took MDMA
Didn't just take all that, fancied and flirted with someone at his hotel (that he met there - unlikely tbh)
Didn't just flirt, kissed
Didn't just kiss, shagged

Etc etc

All conscious delicious by someone now blaming mental health and inebriation. He knows full well if you did the same to him he would never been able to shag you again OR would hold it over your head forever - which is why this behaviour is relationship ending for most people.

I'm so sorry he's done this.

Original poster

Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 19:15

@closetbeanmuncher

He was on drugs, wanted to shag something, and chose to. end of.

Yep... That's it. End of.

OP posts:

BrilloPaddy · 22/10/2021 19:18

Oh, poor man having to shove his penis in someone because the drink and drugs made him do it.

Grim. He's a disgusting excuse of a husband and father.

Find your dignity OP.

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