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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband cheated

114 replies

Lunalovepud · 22/10/2021 07:51

I've been married to my husband for 11 years and we have two children.

Last weekend he was away with friends, got really drunk amongst other things, and cheated.

He's devastated and disgusted with himself, swears it was a one off, hadn't happened before and will never happen again etc, he'll do it anything to save our marriage.

He's really been struggling with his mental health recently but has refused to do anything about it but now, he's seen the GP and self referred to talking therapy. He's also booked an Std screening.

I don't want to split up my family over this but I'm so angry. I can't believe he would do this to us.

I can't see a way through this. I'm already having a really difficult time with a narc parent and a disabled child... I really think it was a cry for me help on his part but I just can't believe he would do this to us.

OP posts:

Pugmumm · 23/10/2021 16:35

@Lovinglife45

Pugmumm I agree that the reason for staying should not be solely for the children. You need to decide to stay for you, because you want to be with your husband . The dc were my main reason for trying (finances were a close second) and it was not enough. I was snappy, depressed and we argued no end. This greatly affected my dc.

Your marriage is a model to your dc. Unless a betrayed spouse is able to push down their emotions (I couldn't do it), your dc will pick up on the toxic atmosphere and the lack of love between their parents.

Totally agree

Pugmumm · 23/10/2021 16:35

@Tiredofbs123

‘Don't stay just because of the kids. I don't have kids myself so probably easier to say but the 'now' environment they will grow up in- which will probably involve a toxic atmosphere and resentment between their parents.

You will constantly have this in the back of your mind.‘

Sorry but this is another generalisation that just annoys me! I’m reconciled with kids. Part of our reconciliation (my rule… to myself) is that I let go of any resentment and I did! My children are not growing up in a toxic environment there is no resentment! We are happy, healthy, determined and in a better position than some couples who split over this bs!

Rant over!

I totally agree the marriage isn’t the same but it is one that can be built and healthy. I don’t forgive but I accept there’s a BIG difference!

I'm sorry but it's true and it's a very popular opinion.

Tiredofbs123 · 23/10/2021 16:38

You’ve lost me at ‘it’s an opinion’… so it’s true. Ffs you don’t even have kids.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/10/2021 17:15

@Tiredofbs123

Sorry but this is another generalisation that just annoys me!

That poster said 'probably' and in most people's experience it's more likely that a couple will have ongoing resentment than have none, if one cheats.

It's great if you are an exception to that - the poster wasn't speaking about your family so you've taken it incredibly personally when she said 'probably' anyway, not 'definitely'...

Tiredofbs123 · 23/10/2021 17:32

And I said ‘generalisation’ which ‘probably’ is! 🙄

Im a reconciled woman on mumsnet, I have had my fair share of ‘opinions’ thrown at me, I don’t take it personally.

My aim is always to counter the quite frankly outdated narrative around infidelity and give families that want to find a way through a chance.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/10/2021 17:35

@Tiredofbs123

And I said ‘generalisation’ which ‘probably’ is! 🙄

Im a reconciled woman on mumsnet, I have had my fair share of ‘opinions’ thrown at me, I don’t take it personally.

My aim is always to counter the quite frankly outdated narrative around infidelity and give families that want to find a way through a chance.

It came across as you taking it really personally, maybe it's your writing style but that's how it came across to me.

Glad you've happily reconciled with your partner post-affair and hope your children continue to thrive and not be affected.

Many of us were affected and feel it important to share experiences from the child's point of view having been there ourselves.

Tiredofbs123 · 23/10/2021 17:47

Point taken re writing style.

But this is it. I have read your posts and I respect your points of view. But for me no one talks about children enough, when it comes to infidelity. ‘LTB’ is not always the right thing to be shouting for a family. ‘Toxic upbringing if you stay’ is not always the right thing to be shouting. Give the betrayed the advice to find their way through to recognise whether it not their partner is remorseful, then leave them to make their own decision from there.

I don’t disagree that for many betrayed they can’t move past infidelity. But for some they just want to repair their families, find their way back. Shouting one view doesn’t help them. It just leaves betrayed feeling damned if they do, want to stay, and that they’ll damage their kids if they stay. That annoys me, they’ve suffered enough. The shame is bad enough without shaming a betrayed for wanting to stay.

Anyway I’m not commenting anymore because I’ve taken too much space away from the OP who needs to find her own way.

girlmom21 · 23/10/2021 17:54

OP did he use a condom?
I know that's a crass question but partly you need to know the sexual health/pregnancy risks but you also need to know if he really was as out of it as he claims.

I don't think you forget you have a family but remember a condom.

Original poster

Lunalovepud · 23/10/2021 18:07

@girlmom21

OP did he use a condom? I know that's a crass question but partly you need to know the sexual health/pregnancy risks but you also need to know if he really was as out of it as he claims.

I don't think you forget you have a family but remember a condom.

No. He's booking a sti check. As am I. Because he came home and kissed me.

Apparently they didn't have full sex. I have just managed to ask for more details without vomiting.

OP posts:

ErickBroch · 23/10/2021 20:12

OP I am so sorry to read your updates. I do think he is lying about the encounter, sounds like a sex worker to me. I doubt he will confess to that.

Frazzledmummy123 · 23/10/2021 20:16

So has he only just told you it wasn't full sex? I don't mean to be cynical but it would make me wonder if he is now backtracking to make it not sound as bad as he is realising the damage he's done and is terrified you'll leave.

I hope I'm wrong but it was a thought I had when I read your update.

Original poster

Lunalovepud · 23/10/2021 20:28

@Frazzledmummy123

I hope I'm wrong but it was a thought I had when I read your update.

I didn't allow any details previously because I was distraught.

Just able to start to ask now.

It doesn't make it any better in terms of the betrayal and STI tests.

I'm so tired. Betrayal is exhausting.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lunalovepud · 23/10/2021 20:32

Thank you everyone who has been supportive and understanding on this thread. I've literally been clinging on to life and sanity by my fingernails these last couple of days and you've really helped me.

I'm feeling much calmer now and truly understand that I don't need to make any decisions now, and also that I can change my mind any time.

No idea what I'm going to do... Just living hour to hour and getting through it. Xx

OP posts:

Freddy12 · 23/10/2021 20:32

My ex wife cheated on me, I found out
I moved into the spare room and gave her 2 weeks to find somewhere else to live ( my house and short marriage)
She had happily lied to me for sometime, for me that was it game over
I could not imagine having sex again after finding out
If my heads not in the game for me there is no game, her actions killed how I saw her
She was sorry etc would do anything I just felt I didn’t know her
She even asked me to hit her, WTF what did she think I was capable of 100% not that
Divorced and happily remarried
Will you get your head straight?
I really believe the biggest sex organ for men and women is their brain if that’s been fucked up its very hard to fix - if at all

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