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Original poster

Husband kissed someone else

74 replies

Lifeisnevereasy · 19/10/2021 18:10

Around 6 months ago I found out my DH had kissed another woman. We have been married for 3 years with a DD 6. I found out through his phone, he admitted he would never have told me. He met up with this woman whilst I was working, said they kissed and nothing else happened. He apparently realised his mistake and left. We decided to try and work things out after alot of tears and some counselling. We had what I thought was a great marriage so I am left utterly heartbroken and he doesn’t know why he did it. I should add I know of this woman, have spoke to her and she backs up his story. Still not sure I believe it. I’m in complete turnmoil now whether to end the marriage or keep going and hope it gets better in time. What would you do? Someone give me some advice please.

OP posts:
Yogawankonobi · 19/10/2021 18:54

My ex did the same and it was the beginning of the end.
A happily married man doesn’t kiss another woman.

Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 19/10/2021 18:58

Absolutely true, been kidding myself. The thought of divorcing is terrifying me. It’s not uncommon though, it happens I suppose.

OP posts:
Yogawankonobi · 19/10/2021 19:13

He’s probably banking on your fear of leaving tbh

Whydidimarryhim · 19/10/2021 19:13

Hi Op have you been told the build up to him going direct to her house. Its a big jump from work colleagues and something must have been going on before.
Is he still working with her.
I’m sorry if he had nothing to hide except details of a kiss then why delete the messages.
You have no idea how long this has been building between them.
You have been really hurt - can you ask him to move out as you need space to think.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/10/2021 19:13

@MushMonster

OP,only you can know if you can continue in the marriage. The real problem here is that your trust has been broken, and even after talking about it, and talking to her, and counselling, you still doubt it. What I do know 100% is that life without trust is life in constant fear, and that is not a way to leave. It will destroy you. So, ask yourself if you can get to trust him again, with more time.
This. Just this. ^^ A relationship without trust is doomed to failure. Broken trust may possibly be 'mended' but the repaired crack will always be visible.

Do you really want to live the rest of your life wondering why he is late, where he 'really' is, if it will happen again, and whether or not he told you the 'whole truth'? I certainly wouldn't.

And if I was the 'erring spouse' I wouldn't want to live the rest of my life under a cloud of suspicion and continually having to prove my whereabouts or justify my (current) actions, either.

DH and I have always said that cheating was a dealbreaker, for both of us. Not just because of the betrayal itself but also because of the aftereffects.

Maze76 · 19/10/2021 19:16

My STBEH did the same, woman at work, we’re getting a divorce. I wanted to work on my marriage, keen to give it a second chance, but once that line is crossed then the relationship is never the same.

Tranquilitybasehotelandcasino · 19/10/2021 19:24

He has been totally selfish and put his own feelings above yours but I don’t believe the line about ‘men who love their wives don’t cheat’. Content men don’t generally cheat but I do think it’s possible for someone to behave like an idiot, maybe thinking that the grass is greener or get caught up in the excitement but still love their partner. If not, those relationships where the cheater grovels for forgiveness and they do successful move on, just wouldn’t happen.

I’m not suggesting you stay with him but people can sometimes work through things. This is only possible if he opened up though so you can understand why this happened. He needs to be grovelling and rebuild trust. It still might not work but there’s a chance if you want to try.

Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 19/10/2021 19:24

This is ultimately how I feel, it will never be the same. I haven’t been told the truth and gave up asking and just plodded along really. I wanted to try and work it out initially but I suppose it’s impossible if there is no honesty. How can you work on problems when you don’t know what they are? I’m not left feeling like I am the one breaking up the family, I know it’s his doing but I can’t help feel so sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 19/10/2021 19:25

I think tomorrow when our daughter is at school I’ll lay it on the line. One last chance to be honest and tell me the full truth or it’ll be over. He’ll need to go.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 19/10/2021 19:28

@Lifeisnevereasy

The problem is no amount of talking has helped so now I don’t bother. He maintains he’s not unhappy and deeply sorry. Has said it’s the biggest mistake of his life and so on. Suppose all the usual crap cheating men spout. Thanks for all your words, it definitely looks like I need to walk away. Life is too short to be miserable and live a lie.
People lie about their emotions. Also, maybe he is telling the truth - some men are as happy as Larry but as I said, they want to have their cake & eat it. Nice woman at home, looking after the kids and doing housework, with a few cheeky dalliances here and there followed by lots of apologies and regrets following by more cheeky dalliances a few months or years later.
Suprima · 19/10/2021 19:29

@Lifeisnevereasy

I think tomorrow when our daughter is at school I’ll lay it on the line. One last chance to be honest and tell me the full truth or it’ll be over. He’ll need to go.
If it was just a kiss and he was being open and honest you, and he was going to tell you the truth- why are the messages deleted?

This will eat away at you.

You aren’t the stronger or better person for working things through.

WhatIsThisPlease · 19/10/2021 19:37

Has your DH expressed any remorse? Has he tried to make amends? Do you truly believe he's sorry?

What's the rest of your marriage like?

My Ex had an affair and I could have got past that - had he been honest. But he lied. I found out anyway and divorced him. I was pregnant with our second child at the time and I made it through ok.

If it was a one off mistake and there are no other problems in your marriage, and he's genuinely apologetic, I'd try to make a go of it - if you were sure that's what you both wanted.

If he's not making the effort, he doesn't deserve you 💐

isthismylifenow · 19/10/2021 19:38

@Lifeisnevereasy

I think tomorrow when our daughter is at school I’ll lay it on the line. One last chance to be honest and tell me the full truth or it’ll be over. He’ll need to go.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Only you can decide how you want to move forward.

But I would just like to caution you, he may very well not tell you the whole truth. He's going to repeat what he told you before.

It's difficult to think and get your head straight while he is there. Have you considered a short break so that you have time to digest this and, to then decide what YOU want to do. Of course he will just want to carry on as normal I have no doubt.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/10/2021 19:39

@Lifeisnevereasy

I think tomorrow when our daughter is at school I’ll lay it on the line. One last chance to be honest and tell me the full truth or it’ll be over. He’ll need to go.
The problem is, will you believe him?

He's already insisted it was 'just a kiss'. It's pretty obvious you don't truly believe that. So in a way he's faced with either insisting he's telling the truth, upon which you'll decide he's lying and kick him out. Or he'll lie and say they 'did the deed' to satisfy what you (apparently) already believe and face the chance that you'll probably end up kicking him out anyway.

Kind of a lose/lose situation for him if you ask me. Either you trust him or you don't. Insisting on asking 'one more time' isn't going to change that no matter how he answers.

Comedycook · 19/10/2021 19:40

If he's telling the truth and you're otherwise happy together, no way would I end my relationship or marriage over a kiss.

ElleStartingOver · 19/10/2021 19:50

@Comedycook

If he's telling the truth and you're otherwise happy together, no way would I end my relationship or marriage over a kiss.
It’s not just a kiss though is it? He didn’t get drunk and kiss a random stranger on a night out.

They haven’t just gone from work colleagues to this. It’s been built up over time, they have obviously been talking, planning, he went to her house with the intention to have sex. Don’t minimise it.

Buildingthefuture · 19/10/2021 19:51

LTB brigade are out in force on this one! And, whilst I understand their sentiments, I can imagine it’s much harder to do in real life.
BUT you need the full facts in order to make a decision about how to move forward. I would sit him down and tell him that lying to you isn’t “protecting” you…it actually eliminates any chance of reconciliation.
Similarly, he “doesn’t know why he did it” doesn’t wash….he knows! Whether it’s because you weren’t getting on, or you weren’t being intimate (NEITHER of which are an excuse by the way) or because he looks inside himself and realises he’s an entitled Twat….he knows the reason and he HAS to provide it. That way, counselling can be effective, whether you decide to divorce or not. Whilst not a popular opinion here on MN, couples can and do get through this, but only if there is total honesty on BOTH sides and a desire to do the (bloody hard) work.
Do not feel judged by some of the frankly unkind comments on here. It’s YOUR LIFE and your relationship…no one else can see it in its entirety, only you and whatever you decide, it’s never an easy decision. Sending support op. X

pheonixrebirth · 19/10/2021 19:54

@Whydidimarryhim

Hi Op have you been told the build up to him going direct to her house. Its a big jump from work colleagues and something must have been going on before. Is he still working with her. I’m sorry if he had nothing to hide except details of a kiss then why delete the messages. You have no idea how long this has been building between them. You have been really hurt - can you ask him to move out as you need space to think.
This is my thinking, he didn't just tip up at her house. How did he even know where she lived? I certainly don't know where any of my colleagues live and I've worked with them (all men) for 15 years.

This was a premeditated arrangement/date and how long had he been wooing and flirting with her before they got to the date stage?

A stupid, drunken snog is in another zip code to what your husband did.
I'm so sorry that he has put you in this position. You may want to try to make it work but I would give myself little time markers. Like every month or 2, give yourself a little check up and ask yourself,

Am I happy?
Is he doing everything he can to reassure me?
Do I trust him yet?
Can I see myself trusting him again?
Can we plan a future with this in our past?
And the kicker of a question for me was....
Do I want to/can I live like this for the rest of my life?
Its up to you to own your life and happiness! ThanksWine

Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 19/10/2021 19:55

Yes he has been very remorseful since it happened and is always saying sorry. Our marriage has always been great as far as I’m concerned. It’s still good, considering. We have a good life it just feels tainted. I think my issue is that he has maintained there was no reason for it other than he fancied her. That hurts just as much as the kiss tbh. I just feel there has to be a reason but as posters have said maybe not. Maybe he just wanted some quick fun in hope I never found out.

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 19/10/2021 19:57

How did you find out?

How long ago was it?

Tiredofbs123 · 19/10/2021 19:59

You can’t heal from this when you’re questioning what you’re trying to heal from.

Please read ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’, this will give you a list of actions that your husband should be doing to support your healing. Then he needs to read it. One of those will be full transparency and honesty about what happened, and I suspect that it is this that is your stumbling block. I’d also have a look at surviving infidelity forum, they have forums for reconciliation and divorce and may help you gain insight.

Then you need to understand that not everyone can reconcile after cheating. It is entirely up to individuals. It is a deal breaker for many, not for others.

Trust can be rebuilt but it is a long, hard slog. It takes the cheat to really own their selfish and entitled decision making, it takes a long time.

Healing from infidelity takes 2-5 years. I was in shock for months. You are still in fallout stage. Go easy on yourself.

Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 19/10/2021 19:59

We live in a small town, I knew where she lived which is why I knew where he was when I seen the address. He says they only got chatting that one night and haven’t spoke since. She’s not a colleague, she’s related to one of his employees. Sorry not holding back intentionally just don’t want to be outed. I’m really embarrassed by it all and don’t want anyone knowing.

OP posts:
Tiredofbs123 · 19/10/2021 20:00

I will add in successfully reconciled and very happy.

Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 19/10/2021 20:05

Tiredofbs123 Thanks for your advice, it’s really helpful x

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 19/10/2021 20:17

Buildingthefuture thankyou for your advice & kindness. You are right about the lying to protect me is making the situation worse. Lots of good advice xx

OP posts:
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