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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband kissed someone else

74 replies

Lifeisnevereasy · 19/10/2021 18:10

Around 6 months ago I found out my DH had kissed another woman. We have been married for 3 years with a DD 6. I found out through his phone, he admitted he would never have told me. He met up with this woman whilst I was working, said they kissed and nothing else happened. He apparently realised his mistake and left. We decided to try and work things out after alot of tears and some counselling. We had what I thought was a great marriage so I am left utterly heartbroken and he doesn’t know why he did it. I should add I know of this woman, have spoke to her and she backs up his story. Still not sure I believe it. I’m in complete turnmoil now whether to end the marriage or keep going and hope it gets better in time. What would you do? Someone give me some advice please.

OP posts:
bonfireheart · 19/10/2021 18:13

Only you know what you would accept OP. Some would stay together after a kiss. Some do stay together after a sexual affair.
I'd find the hard to trust my partner again and a marriage without trust is no marriage. This sounds like a prearranged meet-up, and that they planned to sleep together. It's the planning that went into it that I would find unforgiveable.

bonfireheart · 19/10/2021 18:14

And as someone who has been divorced with a very young child, you will be ok.

MonaLady · 19/10/2021 18:15

Take care of number 1 that is YOU and your child. As for him, trust is broken, however, he needs to rebuild it how and when is up to him. Let him do the hard work. Hope you find strength and peace.

GoodnightGrandma · 19/10/2021 18:15

I wouldn’t stay together.
You will never trust him again. Then the resentment will eat away at you.

Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 19/10/2021 18:18

Thanks for replying Bonfireheart, have never posted before so not even sure if I’m replying correctly! I never ever thought I’d accept this if I’m honest and at times I’m angry with myself because I have. Just all seems such a mess. That is exactly what I’m struggling with, that he went with the intention of sleeping with her obviously. It’s so hard to explain how I feel but I love him and hate him at the same time.

OP posts:
MushMonster · 19/10/2021 18:18

OP,only you can know if you can continue in the marriage. The real problem here is that your trust has been broken, and even after talking about it, and talking to her, and counselling, you still doubt it.
What I do know 100% is that life without trust is life in constant fear, and that is not a way to leave. It will destroy you.
So, ask yourself if you can get to trust him again, with more time.

WTF475878237NC · 19/10/2021 18:19

I'm so sorry OP.

Personally the devil is in the detail here. If they already knew each other, or met online and arranged to meet up in private then I'd be done because you're with someone who can consciously put you out of their mind enough to "justify" they deserved some happiness/attention/sex.

Unless you can see a message from him that said at the time "I'm sorry I couldn't go through with it and just left like that but I need to focus on my marriage and we can't have any further contact" then I'm afraid they probably had sex. I booked an escort/met X in a hotel but couldn't go through with it is pretty much the universal first line of defence.

spotcheck · 19/10/2021 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 19/10/2021 18:24

Unfortunately he deleted all messages between them so haven’t been able to see anything. I know you are all correct in what you are saying, suppose I just needed to hear it. I think I need to end it, he clearly doesn’t love me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 19/10/2021 18:27

It’s not a giant pile of crap unfortunately, it’s my shit show of a life. He knows her through his work, they are Facebook friends or they were. He went to her house.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 19/10/2021 18:27

I'm sorry - it's a really horrible thing to have to go through. What did you see on his phone, when you found out?

Tranquilitybasehotelandcasino · 19/10/2021 18:28

How did he meet her? Was it a chance encounter/a work fling or someone who he sought out on OLD? I’d find it easier if it was the former but not so much if he had gone out looking for this. How did you find out from his phone and did he remain in contact since their meeting? Have you ever suspected he has done anything like this before or that he might be the type to do this?

People don’t normally risk their family for nothing so counselling may be good to unpick why this happened, what he was missing/looking for and to try and see if you can work through this. You could have individual counselling and as a couple.

Is he remorseful and do you genuinely believe he won’t do it again? Does he understand what he stands to lose if it happens again. I’d need to really feel that he got this before I’d consider trying to work at the marriage.

You don’t need him, you will be ok on your own and you are not going to be his doormat. However, affairs/cheating does happen and sometimes people do regret it and never repeat it. If you feel you can trust him and that he will work his arse off to prove himself, I would probably try the counselling and see what happens. He needs to know that he’s broken your trust though and that this will take a long time to repair.

QueenBee52 · 19/10/2021 18:29

He did it because He wanted to kiss her.. perhaps more .. nobody knows except Him and Her...

Yes the trust is gone...

Im so sorry OP

Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 19/10/2021 18:29

Sorry I should’ve been more clear, I never seen any messages on his phone. Only found out through location services the address he had been at! It gets worse the more I write it down.

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 19/10/2021 18:31

@Lifeisnevereasy, I think the pp was saying your H's version of events is a pile of crap, not that you were making it up.

GoodnightGrandma · 19/10/2021 18:31

Get your ducks in a row so that you are ready to separate if you choose to.
Getting ahead of him is what you need to do.

EarthSight · 19/10/2021 18:31

@Lifeisnevereasy

It’s not a giant pile of crap unfortunately, it’s my shit show of a life. He knows her through his work, they are Facebook friends or they were. He went to her house.
Your husband hasn't been honest with how unhappy he is, or he thinks he can have his cake & eat it. I wish you all the best, but don't be tempted (as many people do) to think of this as 'just a kiss' hoping it will make getting over it easier. Of course people make 'mistakes' but often, staying with someone after something like this just sets the bar lower for next time.
Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 19/10/2021 18:33

Oh so sorry I took that the wrong way! Head is completely up my arse. Yes she is absolutely correct, I just need to accept it.

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 19/10/2021 18:34

So sorry for you @Lifeisnevereasy. {{{HUGS}}}

Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 19/10/2021 18:36

The problem is no amount of talking has helped so now I don’t bother. He maintains he’s not unhappy and deeply sorry. Has said it’s the biggest mistake of his life and so on. Suppose all the usual crap cheating men spout. Thanks for all your words, it definitely looks like I need to walk away. Life is too short to be miserable and live a lie.

OP posts:
tulpudo · 19/10/2021 18:38

Oh OP, I do feel for you. It's so horrible, especially when you thought your marriage was good - you've been duped and it's awful. I would definitely put yourself first. Yes some are able to forgive a kiss, some a full blown affair and time often plays a role in this. HOWEVER, ask yourself how much time you are willing to wait?

Are you willing to stand by a man who put his needs/desires above yours? Chose not to communicate with you? And do you today fully trust his version of events? That is what is important. There's no way this will work if you are constantly thinking did he do more etc. You need to be able to accept what he tells you and he needs to be very regretful and remorseful in order for this to work.

Yourself and your DD are what matters and you need to prioritise your happiness.

tootootaataa · 19/10/2021 18:40

The thing is, what were his intentions? Why did he go to her house? What led up to that situation?

It's not just about the kiss. Unless he got pissed, and had a drunken snog in the pub (not saying that is ok either but for me it is more forgivable that a premeditated meet up).

If it was premeditated, and he went to her house with intentions, then I would bet there was sex involved and he is minimizing. People don't go to those lengths for a snog.

Sorry OP.

MMmomDD · 19/10/2021 18:44

OP - it all depends and there and it doesn’t have to be black and white.
You can always leave. And you can try to see if you can fix things and move past it as a couple. It takes time though and requires work.
You are in counselling, so it’s a good first step. It does seem that he isn’t yet properly opening up as him saying ‘he doesn’t know why’ isn’t good enough.
He is probably too scared to admit what actually drove him to seek out, chat and arrange to meet someone else.
If it was a random drunken kiss on a night out - that is easier to explain as a non premeditated. This wasn’t.

However - people do make mistakes. And people do get bored in relationships and get lost in clandestine excitement of someone else paying them attention. All of that can be dealt with, but it needs openness, and communication.
Have a look at Ester Perel. It’s good for thought and can be helpful.

HeddaGarbled · 19/10/2021 18:46

he clearly doesn’t love me

I think it’s possible to love your spouse and also want to have sex with someone else.

he doesn’t know why he did it

Nonsense. He did it because he wanted to have sex with her.

It’s really really common. It’s the main story line in soaps and lots of other films, books, TV shows etc.

You thought he was something special but he turned out to be just another ordinary cheat.

I’m sorry he did this to you. I don’t know whether you should stay or go: it really is such an individual decision.

My advice would be to get some counselling just for you so that you can work through your feelings with professional help. And also to do some research on the subject. There is a wealth of information available (books, YouTube videos and other media) because infidelity is so common.

Original poster
Lifeisnevereasy · 19/10/2021 18:53

Obviously his intentions were to go and sleep with her. Maintains it didn’t happen but again I don’t believe that. Surely if you love someone you don’t hurt them? It would never cross my mind to hurt him like he has me. Think I read a comment on here a few days ago that has really stuck with me. Men who love there wives don’t cheat.

OP posts: