So unhappy but not brave enough to leave

[Scaffoldtothesky]

I've NC for this.

I am so unhappy in my marriage and it feels over. After 10 year together, I decided to stop fighting and arguing for it to be better and given up. Husband is non communicative, defensiveness and ignores me day and night since I said to him I want to leave and feel I can't go on anymore being ignored and begging for crumbs of affection. I carry all the mental load whilst he humbles along. He does do his share of childcare and housework (it takes a lot of moaning). He says it feels like the marriage is over but doesn't say anymore and is insisting we stay together for the sake of our son.

Right now I have a dilemma that is making me sick with anxiety. We are due to move out of our rented flat (various reasons). H wants to move together and I do not but I'm willing to discuss how we might move out together in the short term as separated. I fear the toxic, dead relationship is just going to continue. I feel stuck between a rock and hard place. Either way I can't win. Stay and keep the family unit together but I am suffering so much or leave now and sort out separation and childcare issues now but and feel guilty I am splitting up the family.

It's a cliche op, but life really is very short. Your children will be happier with a mum that it is also happy, rather than one who sacrificed herself to stay with their father. Not easy at all, but I really wish you all the best.

It will be hard, but probably not as hard as you imagine...or maybe difficult in different ways than you expect.

But the relief you will feel at having a fresh start will outweighs all of that.

I left my marriage in 2016...the last 5 years have, quite frankly, been an absolute fucker in all sorts of ways, both ex related and not, and I'm still single buy I wouldn't change my decision for the world.

This is the time to face what you need to do. If you move together you’ll find new reasons not to leave yet and the misery will continue.

You don’t need his permission or agreement to divorce or move out.

The atmosphere you describe must be awful for your DC. You’re not doing them any favours by staying in it.

But you're not a family unit, and your son will either know that something isn't right or think that the behaviour/ atmosphere is 'normal'.

It'll be hard for a time, but you'll manage on your own and be far happier in the long term.

Stop feeling guilty.

Make a plan for your own place. Your son will already feel the stress and anxiety of being with two parents who can't stand each other. I know my niece wishes her Mum (my sis) and her Dad has split sooner as the atmosphere was so toxic and cold. But they were 'staying together for her'. Absolute bollox.

Don't ask for his permission. Just make your own plans. Now. Then tell him. He can sort out his own home and future access plans but right now, just find somewhere for you and your son. Could you stay with family for a bit?

The atmosphere must be awful for your son. I'm sure he would be far happier if you were to separate. You will be far happier and therefore a better mother, leave for the sake of your son and for yourself. You can do it, you don't need your husbands permission, he doesn't want things to change because as you said you handle all the mental load, well if you have to do it all anyway, then lessen the load by removing him from the equation. Good luck.

OP I commend you for recognizing the problem earlier in the relationship and contemplating separation. That is already a big step forward in the right direction. I suggest you keep moving on and away from your husband. I always say that people from healthy marriages do not think about leaving. Once you do, that should be your cue, something is up. I am not saying you should automatically leave, you should, by all means try to fix it if it is possible, but if you feel it is not possible for whatever reason or that you tried and it did not get any better, do leave, sooner rather than later.

I had been unhappy in my marriage for over a decade before I decided to do something about it, after 25 years of marriage. I wish I had done it fifteen years ago, I really do, while I was young and healthy and still full of life, but still I am glad that I did it anyway.

Thanks everyone. I'm so utterly confused and sick with anxiety. I do not want to have to separate my son from his dad but I feel so destroyed by this loveless neglectful marriage. I am not perfect and overly critical and frustrated most of the time so I know I'm not the lovely spouse either.

@TellySavalashairbrush yes I feel its exactly self sacrifice to stay in this marriage as I get zero comfort or joy.

It is so difficult. H has now found a perfect house for us all to move to but doesn't want to have the discussion. It's like a done deal and exactly demonstrates how I am not heard or listened to. Maybe I need to get over myself and go with it. I don't know what to do.

Yes all the comments about the atmosphere are spot on. I feel there is no family atmosphere, we don't do anything fun and it's all separate. If I don't do life admin, planning activities etc it does not get done. H seems to enjoy taking our son out by himself anyway. My son is only 3 but picks up on everything.

On this thread and all others, I never read anyone advocating for "staying for the kids", yet why is it so damn difficult to leave .

Sorry really struggling...

The fact that he is not engaging or listening and simply going ahead is all you need to know

Spare your son this environment if your h is a good dad who likes taking him out that is fine

I do thinks it's a huge decision to break a family up and that's why it's hard for you to leave. It sounds like you've already made that decision because you've told him you don't want to be together so the next bit is deciding together on how the split will happen to least affect your son.

Life is short
Single parenting is hard
Let’s not pretend otherwise

But it’s better than the grinding misery of living with someone you hate xx

It is a misery indeed. We tried to discuss last night as the house we need to make a decision on moving to the house he went to see and offered on. I let him go ahead and do this on the condition that we would have a proper discussion on how we might move together but live separately. The conversation did not go well. He told me that he wants us all to move together because he cannot face the prospect of not seeing our son everyday. He also said that he isn't closing the door on our marriage but isn't going to beg me to stay. I feel so utterly frustrated by it all. We aren't having the same conversation at all.

Is moving together and giving it one last shot and insisting we try to live as separated under the same roof a stupid idea or do I just cut my losses now?

Sorry so jumbled. I mean he has offered on a house to rent and we now need to make a decision to go ahead or not.
He wouldn't be able to afford the rent alone if I then decided to move out.

As hard as it is, I think you need to rip the sticking plaster off now and not go ahead with the move.

It sounds like this has been on your mind for a long time and that your DH really isn't listening to you at all.

Why would you even consider moving home together when you're absolutely miserable living with him ?

Just because he would be 'upset' about not seeing his son every day ? Because he doesn't seem to give a toss about your unhappiness, does he ?

The facts as you have described them are....

1. After 10 years of 'fighting and arguing' to make your marriage tolerable, you've now stopped trying...........

1. Even after 10 years of effort, you are miserable.

1. You have told your H you want to split up. He says he still wants to continue living 'together' i.e Bugger all changes for HIM

1. '' H has now found a perfect house for us all to move to but doesn't want to have the discussion. It's like a done deal and exactly demonstrates how I am not heard or listened to''

He is pushing you to agree and refusing to discuss any alternative except 'carry on as before' '

1. Put very simply, he is refusing to listen to you, because YOU don't matter ! Your thoughts, feelings, wants and desires mean nothing to him. He is happy to sacrifice you to please himself FFS !

You have nothing to feel 'guilty' about ! He's the one who won't talk or communicate with you ! You have tried for 10 bloody years to 'make it work', but it will never work when it's only you who wants to change things.
He likes how he lives now .

Discard your 'guilt', because otherwise it will be the cause of your continued unhappiness and permanently affect your little boy, because he will grow and learn to copy his Father's example in all his future relationships too.

Only you can give your little boy a good example of how mutually loving and respectful all his future relationships should be. You can start by getting your own place to rent with your son.

Just start making your own arrangements. Your son is young he will adapted quickly to the changes. It won't be easy and there will be a lot of hurt and upset. Further down the line you will know it is for the best.

Living together but separately is not going to work. It is just kicking that can further down the road.

My ex left me over 4 years ago. It wasn't what I wanted but I knew it wasn't a happy relationship. And now I can reflect and agree it was the right thing to do for everyone. Change is hard. Especially when it isn't what you want. Life goes on. And we evolve that is life. Don't spend it being unhappy. Take some control and be brave. It will be worth it.

You will bitterly regret not being brave in this moment.

You are not happy.

Your marriage is over.

Yours is not a happy home.

The easier option NOW is to take the house, but you will bitterly regret this decision and will continue with being miserable.

The decision is yours.

Say No to the house.

Can you move home to family for a bit to give you time to get organised?

Have you looked for a 1 bed for you to move into for a year?

Start making plans and be brave or continue to feel miserable and cause more damage to your child in this environment.

Maybe this is the opportunity you desperately needed to finally draw a line under this relationship. You deserve better then to be made to feel miserable by someone that is supposed to love you and care about you.

You will bitterly regret not being brave in this moment.

You are not happy.

Your marriage is over.

Yours is not a happy home.

The easier option NOW is to take the house, but you will bitterly regret this decision and will continue with being miserable.

^^ this 100%

@billy1966

You will bitterly regret not being brave in this moment.

You are not happy.

Your marriage is over.

Yours is not a happy home.

The easier option NOW is to take the house, but you will bitterly regret this decision and will continue with being miserable.

The decision is yours.

Say No to the house.

Can you move home to family for a bit to give you time to get organised?

Have you looked for a 1 bed for you to move into for a year?

Start making plans and be brave or continue to feel miserable and cause more damage to your child in this environment.

Couldn't have said it better. Please make the move away from him now. From what I understand this is an easier age for your 3 year old to adjust to change. At the very least see it that your son is not being raised in a happy atmosphere. You both deserve more.

I stayed probably 20yrs longer in my marriage then I should have. Partly for the kids, Partly because "it wasn't that bad" and part6because it was an effort to break up the family

Once I left all my children said, thank God for that, you should have done it sooner, we could see how unhappy you both were.

We have both now moved on and are happy with other people

Get your big girl.pants on, sort out the paperwork and get living

A toxic relationship is no environment to raise a child in. You are teaching your son to treat women badly, ignore them and steal their labour. If you cant leave for yourself, do for it him. The path your husband has chosen leads to nothing but misery for everyone involved.

Its not ideal. And yes two loving parents providing a single happy stable unit is best for a child.

But they can be loved and nourished and nurtured and supported by separated parents. Young children are actually very adaptable.

If its hard now at a cross roads it will be even harder from a new guilded cage. Do not go for the new house together.

You are essentially already living together but separated-why would it be different in a new house?

You cant remove this band aid without any friction. There is no painless, argumentless, tearless way of doing this for anyone. But you will feel relief quickly. And things will get better quickly.