So unhappy but not brave enough to leave

[Scaffoldtothesky]

I've NC for this.

I am so unhappy in my marriage and it feels over. After 10 year together, I decided to stop fighting and arguing for it to be better and given up. Husband is non communicative, defensiveness and ignores me day and night since I said to him I want to leave and feel I can't go on anymore being ignored and begging for crumbs of affection. I carry all the mental load whilst he humbles along. He does do his share of childcare and housework (it takes a lot of moaning). He says it feels like the marriage is over but doesn't say anymore and is insisting we stay together for the sake of our son.

Right now I have a dilemma that is making me sick with anxiety. We are due to move out of our rented flat (various reasons). H wants to move together and I do not but I'm willing to discuss how we might move out together in the short term as separated. I fear the toxic, dead relationship is just going to continue. I feel stuck between a rock and hard place. Either way I can't win. Stay and keep the family unit together but I am suffering so much or leave now and sort out separation and childcare issues now but and feel guilty I am splitting up the family.

OP, reflect on yesterday and exactly how he behaved and treated you.

There really is nothing to grieve here.

He is angry at you because he knows he has agreed to what you want and he would rather you stay and be his emotional punching bag.

There is nothing you can do if he refuses to speak.

Carry on with your plans.
Focus on accommodation and tell him X is happening when you have a place.

Allow him to ignore you. His choice.

Stop trying to force him to be a decent human being.

Your son will accept this, he is young.

Mum and dad have decided to have a home each and we both love you.
On a loop.
Keep things very, very simple for him.

You cannot fix this and you cannot fix your husband.

The sooner you accept this and focus on getting organised the better.

It doesn't have to be a long term home, just one that gets you away from him, so that you can breathe.

It sounds like an awful atmosphere and one that it will only be positive for your son to be away from.

Reach out to friends and family for support.

Keep posting and try and be kind to yourself.

There is nothing to be gained by blaming yourself for this situation.

You cannot fix him.

@billy1966 you are so right, thank you.

It's the weekend again and I feel like a prisoner in a silent prison more during the weekend because its when I really feel the lack of relationship and family life hits home. DS was up throughout the night so I had to go back to sleep. I just woke up as my dear DS came in to wake me. H just announced he's taking DS out, nothing else, no other interaction. This is a common occurrence. I know I need to let go of this feeling of beigg disappointed and ignored and use these feelings as a reminder of why I need to leave.

@billy1966 I don't know about being his emotional punching bag, I feel like he is just lazy and complacent, likes the stability of having me around and would be the first to say that I'm the bully not him.

@GoodnightGrandma I think your observation may be coming true. Since the marriage counselling on Wednesday he has not uttered a word more on discussing anything about his "decision", I honestly do feel like he just said what he thought he was "meant to say"... That yes he agrees all with me about not moving to a new place together and now he's just gone back to ignoring me and acting like it's all just me being a big bad complaining bully and therefore if I leave, it's all because I'm the bossy bad one. I don't know how I will get through this weekend.

Sorry for another long post. Don't know why I'm posting, I just need to let this out.

You have the perfect opportunity to split as you’re both moving out anyway.
Do you have the financial ability to go it alone ?

@GoodnightGrandma yes I would be OK financially. I'm the higher earner as it is and I have a relatively secure, well paid job.

No I don't think he is thinking about moving out at all. He made some comment in the counselling and later that evening that I've already said I want to move out and that means he doesn't need to, that he would stay in our current place. Last weekend he also said that "we're in a cold war" when I told him (again) how I feel so bad that we can't talk through the issues. He makes me feel so worthless.

So he’s checked out of the relationship.
You wrote in your original post that you feel guilty for splitting up the family, but you aren’t.
Move forward into a happier life.

By ignoring you he is emotionally abusing you.

He is punishing you for wanting to leave.

Believe me he is deliberately trying to hurt you.

The sooner you can leave the better.

Spend the weekend doing a clear out of stuff you don't need so that the final packing will be quicker.

Do not entertain him being upset about separating.

His behaviour has made it much easier to leave.
He clearly is very unhappy so it is better all round.
Happy people do not ignore their partner.

How soon can you leave?

Is there anywhere that you can go to stay for a while.

Spend this weekend getting organised.

Have you told friends and family that you are looking for a place?

Please don't buy a house until you're divorced with a clean break.
He could try and claim some of it.

@billy1966 - I've only confided in one friend but she has enough issues of her own. Don't have many other close friends. I'm absolutely shitting myself at the prospect of telling my parents. I'll find myself back under the control of my parents. They are well meaning but incredibly controlling and my DM has also given me the silent treatment for the best part of 2 years though the lockdown has ironically brought us a bit closer together again. I'm obviously an absolute failure at any type of relationships.

I feel like H is not going to do anything at all, even though he's also miserable. He is going to sit back and wait for me to leave as if I've just created this big massive drama.

Change your focus - start looking for places for you and your son- make a plan - start to be excited about a new chapter as a strong woman x

OP,

Then do not involve your parents.

Tell them after the event.

Please call Womens aid for some support.

Getting involved with your abusive parents is not the answer.

This is NOT your fault.

Thanks @Billy1966, you're advice is so welcome. I can see myself telling my parents and it spiralling out of all proportions. My DM will certainly end up making it about herself and I know then I'm likely to end up staying to keep the peace.

Stupid question but what support should I expect from calling Women's Aid? I feel like I'd be wasting their time as I'm not facing any obvious danger or violence. Thanks

You won't know how courageous you are until you put yourself in a position where you have to be. Millions of women are making a real success of living alone, raising children alone, they were all anxious and had similar worries to begin with, push through , don't allow fear to defeat you, fear is only based on negative thoughts, imagine the best case scenario and go for it, hammer and tong. Don't stay stuck in a dead relationship, you will regret it.

Listen to T. D. Jakes speech on courage, on youtube, that will inspire you, this speech is directed at women.

I've just left my partner of 12 years and kids. Various factors played a part but my mental health has suffered by staying. I should have left 5 years ago but I wanted to be with my kids and financially we were entangled.

I feel like another poster said that I didn't matter. Her needs were met. I helped raise her 2 VERY difficult kids and a difficult ex. Cooked cleaned, ferried them around, helped support her through university for 3 years whilst I sorted my 2 kids and house and my own work.

I didn't matter or felt like that, everything else came before me but she was abe to make me feel like the selfish one.

Life is too short to be unhappy. I personally don't think men and women should live together unless you can have your own personal space. I for one will not live with a woman again. I'll live next door but not with.

You'll continue to be miserable. If your on your own you can concentrate on yourself and your son. I'm having hard times but I would rather this than be in a home where she and her 2 sons cause me nothing but stress. Feeling unhappy, unloved and unimportant.

You've named changed I see. My point being that there are sooooo many people who are unhappy in relationships.

50% of people who just got married will end up divorced within a short period of time.

It'll take time to feel better but eventually you will be free. Free of being around a person who doesn't value you anymore. You can't blame him for your unhappiness, you have to blame yourself for staying and feeling unhappy. I'm angry mainly at myself for being such a mug.

It's a hard decision. There is no reason, if you wanted to, to work on the relationship but in your own space and place. If it's not working, you can just walk away. I'll never be in a position again where I can't just walk away.

OP,
Womens aid is for all types of women in distress.

He is ignoring you.
That is emotional abuse.
He has been doing that a long time and he does it to punish you.

You are trying to leave a very unhappy marriage where you are ignored.

Speaking to a sympathetic ear that can advise you will be good.

They might be able to advise additional local supports.

Speak to your GP.

Tell work that you are trying to leave a difficult situation.

Reach out for supports but avoid your parents completely.

You need people who will suport you, not drag you down.

How soon is your lease up?

Have you checked local small properties?

One beds are fine.
He is a small boy.
Safety is key here.

Keep posting.

I've been unwell as has my son with a nasty bug for the last few days but I thought I would give an update.

The ignoring from H has been continued, it feels like a sort of cruel torture. Since he said in the marriage counselling that he doesn't in fact think we should move out together, there's been no more discussion at all. I've asked him a few times to talk and he keeps putting it off. This morning I mentioned to him we need to discuss this. He has now gone back to saying we should move together for our son's sake, even though he doesn't think we should live together in the long term. He is utterly dismissive of any issues about the marriage breakdown. I could handle a discussion in the middle of the working day and have asked if we can discuss it this evening. It is so maddening. I know he is unhappy as well but isn't helping things by ignoring me day and night then insisting he's doing us all a favour by suggesting we move together.

That was meant to say, I couldn't handle a discussion in the middle of the day

That is no way to live. Divorce him and get half. He wants to stay together possibly for your son but it also makes his life easier.

It'll be tough but eventually you will be much happier. I've suffered silent treatment and it is abominable.

He wants you to stay together but ignore you. F That S.

Don't tell him your plans, just get your plans together.

No way to live at all. Anything is better than the torture you feel.

@1MillionDollars yes it feels abominable. My nerves are in shreds. I hate to say this but I'm actually at the point where I cannot even entertain staying with him even if it means my son can remain living with both parents together.

At the least he is showing me what he's really like so it will make leaving a bit easier. I know I'll have plenty of time to mourn the relationship but I'll put that in a box for much later.

I keep questioning myself on whether I should just shut up, be nice and stay but I honestly feel like I'm being erased as a person. I have nothing in this life apart from my son.

He is an emotionally abusive pig.

Your poor son being raised in that environment, and you think it might be better for your child?

Get a grip.

This is an utterly toxic environment.
End of.

You don't need his permission.

You don't need him to agree to anything.

Start looking for a property and TELL him you and your son are LEAVING.

He is abusive.

Yours is NO marriage.

He doesn't get to decide.

Ring Women's aid and get out.

When is your lease up?

*You don't need his permission.

You don't need him to agree to anything.

Start looking for a property and TELL him you and your son are LEAVING.*

I keep telling myself this. He wanted to talk last night about the house he has seen. When I pointed out that he keeps changing his mind with no explanation or communication, it's really messing with my mind. He wants to know what my plans are. I told him that I don't need his permission to move away and he just sneered "yes you do", because he has an "interest" in where our son lives. He says we should move together and not be together in the long term, in the same breath!

I'm at the end of my tether. Am I missing something, I can't quite believe the level of bad communication between us. Maybe it's all my fault for complaining too much.

The lease is up in December.

The way I'm feeling is do I just give in and let him decide we move together, go along with it. Let him think he's doing us all a big favour and nothing changes and I just manage my own expectations.