So unhappy but not brave enough to leave

[Scaffoldtothesky]

I've NC for this.

I am so unhappy in my marriage and it feels over. After 10 year together, I decided to stop fighting and arguing for it to be better and given up. Husband is non communicative, defensiveness and ignores me day and night since I said to him I want to leave and feel I can't go on anymore being ignored and begging for crumbs of affection. I carry all the mental load whilst he humbles along. He does do his share of childcare and housework (it takes a lot of moaning). He says it feels like the marriage is over but doesn't say anymore and is insisting we stay together for the sake of our son.

Right now I have a dilemma that is making me sick with anxiety. We are due to move out of our rented flat (various reasons). H wants to move together and I do not but I'm willing to discuss how we might move out together in the short term as separated. I fear the toxic, dead relationship is just going to continue. I feel stuck between a rock and hard place. Either way I can't win. Stay and keep the family unit together but I am suffering so much or leave now and sort out separation and childcare issues now but and feel guilty I am splitting up the family.

@MrMrsJones

I stayed probably 20yrs longer in my marriage then I should have. Partly for the kids, Partly because "it wasn't that bad" and part6because it was an effort to break up the family

Once I left all my children said, thank God for that, you should have done it sooner, we could see how unhappy you both were.

We have both now moved on and are happy with other people

Get your big girl.pants on, sort out the paperwork and get living

Same here.

@freeatlast2021

How are you doing?

Hello @billy1966 and thank you so much for asking. I am doing ok, I think. The time around his move out was really hard for me, emotionally, and perhaps a few weeks around it. I still wake up most days with an anxiety. He lives near by and I find that is not a good thing for me as I get anxious every time I see him or see his car parked outside of his apartment.

We almost have our separation agreement ready. That went fairly well. I mean he was not happy to share “his savings and investments with me”, but did not really resist. Although the amount he submitted I though was much lower then what he might have had, but I did not want to insist as I really wanted the negations to be as peaceful as possible and conflict free and I was advised not to pursue it further as I could lose more money on paying legal fees then what I would get. Because he lost his job and is currently working on a lower paid job I am paying him support and so that is challenging for me but I should be ok. I finally hired a lawyer and she told me (what I did not know) that I may not have to pay him support forever because he does not necessarily qualify for it since his financial situation did not change due to our separation and what he is earning now should be enough for one person. So she suggested I offered him only one more year of support and he, thankfully accepted it.

I definitely feel better every day, allowing myself to be happy and content. I still do feel guilt often times, about nothing in particular, just the fact that I was the one breaking the marriage apart I guess, the anxiety about the change of my living situation, a little bit more responsibility for the kids and stuff. But still, like I said I do my best to allow myself to enjoy, and I do so, so much. Making decisions on my own, doing what I want, spending my money the way I want, coming home now is a pure joy, not worrying what he may say, comment, criticize.

By the way @billy1966 thank you so much for all your support to me and other women. I always enjoy reading your comments, as they are so wise but also straight forward and honest. Much appreciated.

I am so glad to read this.
I have not forgotten you sleeping on the floor for months on end.

I could only imagine the discomfort.
I hope you enjoyed reclaiming the room.

How wonderful for you all to be experiencing quiet enjoyment of your home.

Great update re the lawyer.
You owe that awful man nothing.

That bill has long since been settled.

Hopefully as time goes by your anxiety will ease.
Keep reminding yourself the slate is clean.

You gave that man 20 years of your life.

You owe him absolutely nothing.

You so deserve the peace you have hard won.

Please keep reminding yourself of that.

Life is so short........how absolutely wonderful for your children to have the opportunity to see their mum a little lighter in herself and attaining some hard won calm in their home.

You deserve it so much.
And they so deserve to see you at peace.

@billy1966 Thank you for your kind words. You really are amazing.

Thank you all for the replies, some of these really hit home to me how terrible my situation is and it's not "just me". But the problem is, I do see how it would be easy to sacrifice myself rather than put my big girl pants on and leave now. I just don't feel able to make a decision. I feel frozen. Part of my worry is I have been battling some ill health so feel vulnerable to that and being told that H is "not going to abandon" me in this time. He also keeps saying that staying together is better for our son - with no further discussion. He put my email and contact details to this new house and they are chasing me for an answer. I'm drowning under this stress.

Staying with is family not really an option but I wish it was. Relationship with my parents (DM) is shaky so I feel even more scared to ask for help. I have only confided in one friend but we're not that close and she has her own issues. It's so hard to be going through this alone.

I am sorry that you have little support in real life. That definitely makes it harder but still not impossible. I think it’s a good idea if you contact Women’s Aid, they’re professionals that undoubtedly have dealt with your situation before and can offer good advice.

@updownroundandround thank you so much for putting it so clearly. This is all so true. So true that I've fought for 10 years to make this marriage tolerable but is just one miserable mess. I feel so sorry for my son, he has not asked for this and I know I need to protect him the most, but it feels impossible to make a decision. Ideally I thought that the decision to split would be joint but I guess that's part of my problem as I am probably so willing to accommodate or just plain codependent.

@laBellina thanks for the suggestion, I wi look into that. Do womens aid help where there isn't domestic abuse? I'm not sure what to call it, but I guess I'm more fortunate than a lot of other women who are subject to DV and other abuse...

Generally people don't advocate staying for the kids for as they say: Its better to come from a broken home than live in one.

Good luck OP

Ooops forgot to say. There is nothing plain about codependency, it is very complex with many strands/characteristics. It may be something you want to look into further when time and space allows. Be aware that if you leave your codependency, if indeed it is that, will follow you.

You deserve to be happy, not live out your years utterly miserable because you think your son deserves a desperately unhappy mum surviving in the same house as an unloving and selfish dad.

But let's pretend you don't matter and being unhappy is ok, what do you think is happening to your son growing up in this environment? He deserves to know what a normal relationship is, he deserves to be raised by a happy mum. He deserves that life, not this one.

"I don't need your permission to end this relationship"

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Don't go for this new house - you're just perpetuating the misery and if you leave in a year or two or three or four, your DS will be that much older. I'm sure you don't want him to grow up thinking that mummies do as they're told and shut up, and daddies make all the decisions. Would you want him behaving to his partner in the future this way?

You sound intimidated by your H. But he isn't the boss. He has no innate authority over you. You don't have to listen to him (he doesn't listen to you), you don't have to accept his decrees of How Life Must Be. Think of it as just honking noises. It has no bearing on what you can or can't do.

Courage, mon brave. I hope things work out for you.

Well said @ClawedButler

You don't need his permission to end your marriage.

You will only be delaying the inevitable.

This is a natural time to do it.

He sounds like a complete bully that doesn't care a whit for you.

Do not say yes to that house.

Start looking for a home for yourself.

Your 3 year old will adjust far better than you imagine.

Be brave.
Ring Women's aid.

These replies have made me well up. Thanks for all the collective wisdom here, it is so helpful.

We had our marriage counselling session yesterday, turns out he now thinks we shouldn't move to a new place together and he doesn't think we should delay the inevitable and he sees no point in our son having to move twice. All he wants to do is agree how to co-parent. Everything he said in the counselling was a paraphrase or exact repeat of my words. If I wasn't so fed up of him, I'd be creeped out by this. The exact opposite of what he has been saying even up to a few hours before the counselling session! His lack of self awareness is also astonishing, everything he says points back to blaming me and he actually said he is neither happy or unhappy about the situation which says it all really, because I take it that he doesn't actually care that much at all.

OP,

This is good.
Whatever his reason, you are now both on the same page.

Try and take a positive from it and start making plans.

This will be a very positive move for both you and your child.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

you don't have to accept his decrees of How Life Must Be

This is so true isn't it. I feel he doesn't communicate or discuss anything, just says this is how things should be, including his latest declaration in the counselling session which is the total opposite of what he's been saying for weeks. I know I should just make my plan to leave now. How on earth do I communicate with him about co-parenting.

@billy1966 thank you for such encouragement. Yes I'm seeing this as a way forward to quietly make my plans which I don't need his permission or approval. I just need to find my own inner strength don't I. I actually started looking at places to move out to, even considering buying somewhere which I could just about manage alone. I'm going back to that plan now.

I hope he follows through with what he said at counselling, and didn’t just say what he thought they wanted to hear.
Move forward into the life you want for you and your son, good luck 💐

He sounds like he wants you to make all the decisions so he can blame you for everything.
Start building your scaffold to the sky! The air will be so much fresher up there and your son will enjoy the new and exciting view.
It doesn’t sound like anything will make your husband happy so your son might as well have one happy parent— you.

Good for you OP.

This is a gift.
Take it.

Start making your plans.
Find accommodation.
Don't discuss it with him yet.

Perhaps start a thread looking for advice on how best to initiate/direct co parenting.

Get your paperwork together.
Be positive in your dealings with him that his decision is a good one for him and you and yere son.

It is positive and ye can make a great success of it.

OP, kindly, you are not going to get a better opportunity than this. And by that I mean that you're moving anyway.
Also, your son is 3 and is going to have no memory of your split. Once he is older it will be more difficult to leave.

Think of it as ripping off a plaster.

You both feel your relationship is dead, move on and be happy single or perhaps one day with other partners.

Don't model a miserable relationship for your son.

Good luck.

[quote Scaffoldtothesky]@billy1966 thank you for such encouragement. Yes I'm seeing this as a way forward to quietly make my plans which I don't need his permission or approval. I just need to find my own inner strength don't I. I actually started looking at places to move out to, even considering buying somewhere which I could just about manage alone. I'm going back to that plan now.[/quote]
That's wonderful! You can do it! It will be so much better for your son to see you happy. Kids are so resilient especially at his age, he'll barely remember a time when you were together. Think about how lovely your days will be when you don't have to deal with his miserable presence. The co-parenting practicalities will get sorted out, millions of people have gotten divorced, it will work out just fine. You can let his dictatorial edicts go in one ear and out the other, just make your own plans.

I am really trying to see the positive. I know it is true that this is the best chance to end this misery. I am so torn between the guilt of leaving but fantasising about living a happier life in a new home just with my son. I won't lie though I feel heartbroken a few times over. I'm battling so much frustration and upset. I'm scared for the future and so worried sick about how I will explain all this to DS.

Today has been hell. We both wfh and he ignored me as usual the whole day. I tried to ask him about whether he wanted to talk about the counselling but he responded with something completely unrelated to do with a toy he has bought DS. I was actually shocked. In the evening, whilst I did dinner, playtime, bath, bedtime with DS, he said not a word to me, much less DS. Then as usual he falls asleep on the sofa around 8pm. That's the marriage, it's like this everyday. Feel like I'm being punished for complaining.

Sorry I'm rambling. I'm so grateful for the responses here, I'm reading all of them and trying to digest the wisdom.