So unhappy but not brave enough to leave

[Scaffoldtothesky]

I've NC for this.

I am so unhappy in my marriage and it feels over. After 10 year together, I decided to stop fighting and arguing for it to be better and given up. Husband is non communicative, defensiveness and ignores me day and night since I said to him I want to leave and feel I can't go on anymore being ignored and begging for crumbs of affection. I carry all the mental load whilst he humbles along. He does do his share of childcare and housework (it takes a lot of moaning). He says it feels like the marriage is over but doesn't say anymore and is insisting we stay together for the sake of our son.

Right now I have a dilemma that is making me sick with anxiety. We are due to move out of our rented flat (various reasons). H wants to move together and I do not but I'm willing to discuss how we might move out together in the short term as separated. I fear the toxic, dead relationship is just going to continue. I feel stuck between a rock and hard place. Either way I can't win. Stay and keep the family unit together but I am suffering so much or leave now and sort out separation and childcare issues now but and feel guilty I am splitting up the family.

Part of my worry is I have been battling some ill health so feel vulnerable to that and being told that H is "not going to abandon" me in this time.

Can I take a guess and ask if this is some kind of autoimmune disorder?

Because those are very common in women who have been emotionally abused/neglected/controlled for a long time.

Sounds like you've moved from one controlling relationship (your parents) to another (your husband) because that's what you were raised to expect and feel you deserve.

Please get out now, so your son doesn't follow the same pattern.

@billy1966 yes I have been on the case with properties and things are looking hopeful so I will have some news on this soon I hope.

@freeatlast2021your post is so encouraging and I'm so happy for you that you have made it out the other end, your sense of relief is palpable and your life immeasurably better. How you describe feeling like you could die or go mad is exactly how I feel, along with a screaming despair inside me. I have never felt this lonely.

@Hogwarts4Christmas this is what I'm slowly realising. I would have thought he was controlling me but its clear. My life has been stripped away, all joy, all sense of myself lost. It hasn't been overt control, but almost unintentional, limiting, dragging down to his level of joylessness and laziness in life. That's the only way I can describe it.

The marriage counselling has continued this week. The counsellor is being very upfront and pointing out to H his stonewalling and his lack of remorse at the marriage breakdown. She is also pointing out that that would be a barrier to moving forward in a positive coparenting relationship. The ignoring continues. He is just continuing like the victim and long suffering husband. But I don't care about that, I can see it all so clearly now.

My birthday is this weekend. He has suddenly decided to talk to me "in light of what the counsellor said". Too little too late.

Sorry long post again. I just need to release this out.

That should say I would never have thought he was controlling me but its clear

Well you sound so much stronger and clearer.

Your realisations are powerful.

He has been controlling you.
He is abusive.
You are done.
You will move forward without him.

It is too late.
Do not spend your birthday with him.

If he doesn't want to co parent well, that is on him.

The only discussions now are about practicalities.

The marriage is finished.

This time next year you will be in a much better place.

Move forward with the house.
Let him ignore you.
Enjoy the peace.
His power is gone.

You are DONE.
You will be moving out soon.

Focus on sorting out what you will be taking.

Tell work and friends you need support.

Say nothing to your parents.

Keep posting.

Thank you @billy1966 your posts are so helpful and validating. Yes I have my resolve now to move out and away from him. I know I have to cooperate with him so DS can have a relationship his father but I won't be the one to take control of that or tell him what to do, he can step up if he wants to. I feel heartbroken and so guilty for DC but I feel I have no choice but to leave now. I feel so lonely in this horror.

You do sound so much better already.

Learn about grey rock and get used to using it I'm sure he'll kick off at some point and try the emotional guilt trip and Mr Nasty act.

Detach detach detach.

Don't take on guilt for his behaviour towards DS that's on him not you.

I left the silent house where no one laughed or sang. A house where I felt judged. A house where I never seemed to be good enough. I hung on for the sake of DD but one day I just snapped. 6 months after I left we had a cosy new home, DD and I, and a tolerable co-parenting relationship with ex-H.

I laugh, sing, tell bad jokes and watch shit TV. My DD is so much happier out of the gloom and old enough to even the recognise the fact herself. She loves her dad and sees him regularly for great contact time. I can now see exactly how unhappy I was.

My advice is to leave. No dithering. Find your happy…. It is out there!!

@Peace43

Fantastic post.

OP, that is your future.
A happy, cheerful home.

Don't kid yourself that your child doesn't recognise on some level that his is a joyless home.
He may not have the language but he can feel it.

He will hugely benefit form a relaxed mum, in a relaxed atmosphere, in a relaxed home.

How could he not.

Excellent suggestion from @RandomMess re the Grey Rock method.

Definitely read up on it.

It will be a powerful tool to help you co parent if/when he decides to act the dick.

He is ignoring you to intimidate you.

He doesn't fully realise that you no longer care.

Focus on the move and as @Radom suggests, the "detach dance".

You wiggle your arse and sing to yourself "that fxxker no longer has any power over me"
😂👍

Thank you all. I'm not sure I'm feeling any better, but maybe a bit clearer. I can't live like this anymore and as PP have said this is one chance to get away now because of the tenancy ending. It's not my choosing to have a broken marriage but I've tried everything else and nothing has worked. I have to remind myself that the lack of communication has come from him not me.

@Peace43 your post made me smile. I'm happy that you've gone from a silent house to one full of joy. At the moment I am "daring to dream"... It excites me but I'm also terrified.

He's gone out today with DC and come back with cakes, treats and flowers. I am indeed trying to grey rock to that but feel that gnawing guilt as well.

Don't kid yourself that your child doesn't recognise on some level that his is a joyless home

Yes my heart breaks for my DC. We have few nearly no friends and support network. Driven by his non need for this. We don't do much at weekends, no hobbies, no day trips or activities (unless I plan them). Again driven by his non need for this. This was even before DC. I should never have married this person, much less had DC with him. That sounds so awful I know.

Please don’t suffer ‘gnawing guilt’ - YOU haven’t done anything wrong! You’ve tried to hard to make this relationship work, but you know it takes two. And it’s too easy to blame yourself and say ‘I should have known better’….looking back, after everything. Hindsight is wonderful isn’t it?! It was a marriage, not a murder conviction; you’ve served your sentence and now you can walk free. You tried, he didn’t. You deserved treats and flowers before, yes it’s too little too late, so don’t allow him to make you feel guilty.
Good luck with your new life!

@Scaffoldtothesky

Don't kid yourself that your child doesn't recognise on some level that his is a joyless home

Yes my heart breaks for my DC. We have few nearly no friends and support network. Driven by his non need for this. We don't do much at weekends, no hobbies, no day trips or activities (unless I plan them). Again driven by his non need for this. This was even before DC. I should never have married this person, much less had DC with him. That sounds so awful I know.

I feel this! The ‘non need’ to do anything is what drives me up the wall too. Growing up my parents were always doing something- their weekends were spent going somewhere/ diy round the house and I’d be there with them doing it too. My parents NEVER (and still don’t) sit in front of the tv during the day, and that’s how I was brought up and feel the same. However DH has no problem wasting the day on the sofa/ gaming and I feel like my life is drifting by and I’m wasting my best years.

I tried to talk to him recently about it and he just said I need to get a hobby. Yeah great actually I’d rather do things together? There’s 4 of us in this house, but he sees it as him and then 3 other people he has nothing to do with.

Hi everyone, I'm just checking in, mainly as a note to myself to read back later.

My birthday came and went, and the silence continued. It really is clear how H feels about me. I spent the day out with DS and made the most of it. I just promised to myself not to make a fool of myself any longer with someone who cares so little. I felt upset inside but I'm practising hard how to feel something and then just let it go.

I have found a new place. I won't go into details but it means moving out soon and before Christmas. I am scared but secretly estastic. I've let him know. But again it's silence.

I've asked him several times if he wants to talk about the situation and more silence. Agreement to talk but he nevers follows through. I won't push it now.

My DS is sensing everything I fear. He is becoming very clingy to me and I know the only thing that matters is making him feel safe. It means being everything for DS and I don't mind. H has even started withdrawing from DS and being short with him. My heart breaks for DS but I'm reminding myself it's not my job to teach him how to parent.

I am mentally worn out by the silent treatment but I see some light at last now. Each day that passes, I'm seeing things much more clearly and accept things for what they are.

@Scaffoldtothesky My ex was the same, from the moment I told him I wanted to separate he only spoke with me about necessary stuff. Never tried to talk me out of it, asked to be given another chance, nothing. I was really grateful to him as I knew it would be harder for me if I had to "defend" me decision, but it does make me wonder. Most of the men try harder, even if just for a show and for a while, ask for another chance, offer counseling or anything that they were not willing to do before, but not mine. Not sure what to call it. Anyway, one thing is for sure, it makes it easier for you to let go.

As for your DS, just love him with all your heart, spend as much time with him as you can and make sure you appear to be calm and composed and sure of yourself. Kids pick up on our emotions. Good luck and all the best.

Well done for finding somewhere for you and DS. It will seem scary and hard at first but will be so much better for you both long term.

So I've only just managed to tell my husband I want to separate … he don’t seem to understand I want to end things saying I’m probably feeling like this because I’ve been so brutally lying to him for so long and I’m emotionally abusive because of it and asking me to do couples counselling because I don’t know how to deal with my emotions and how to talk he is disregarding my feelings and not listening to the fact I want him to go, he is not willing to go because he has no where to go so he will be on the streets basically turned everything onto me making me feel like the bad guy and like I'm in the wrong for not wanting to work this hard at the relationship:( I need to stand my ground but how

@lovelybones1 I think you would be better starting your own thread.