So unhappy but not brave enough to leave

[Scaffoldtothesky]

I've NC for this.

I am so unhappy in my marriage and it feels over. After 10 year together, I decided to stop fighting and arguing for it to be better and given up. Husband is non communicative, defensiveness and ignores me day and night since I said to him I want to leave and feel I can't go on anymore being ignored and begging for crumbs of affection. I carry all the mental load whilst he humbles along. He does do his share of childcare and housework (it takes a lot of moaning). He says it feels like the marriage is over but doesn't say anymore and is insisting we stay together for the sake of our son.

Right now I have a dilemma that is making me sick with anxiety. We are due to move out of our rented flat (various reasons). H wants to move together and I do not but I'm willing to discuss how we might move out together in the short term as separated. I fear the toxic, dead relationship is just going to continue. I feel stuck between a rock and hard place. Either way I can't win. Stay and keep the family unit together but I am suffering so much or leave now and sort out separation and childcare issues now but and feel guilty I am splitting up the family.

I think you just have to be brave and say you are not moving to the new house. In fact you say they have your contact details so contact them and tell them. Then look for a short term rental for you and your son. I think you said you can afford to buy on your own ultimately?

Your son will adjust. He will be much happier with two separated parents in two homes than in a house of atmosphere and negativity.

Please contact Womens aid for support.

You look for a small place to rent, you take it and you move out.

His sneer is who he is.

He is abusive.

You sound utterly controlled by him.

Ring Women's aid.
Go into a police station.
Ask for help.

If you feel so controlled by him.
Ask for help.

But do not agree to move house.

Your son is not learning the way to live in a happy relationship. I know as the child of such a family. I did not know what normal looked like. Two failed relationships as accepted crap as mother had done.parents endured long long marriage only ended by death. They stayed for the kids and appearances, made us miserable and only one of four has been able to have a good relationship, by doing the opposite of what he saw at home. Your son deserves to be shown how to live happily. Please do it for him

You may not have a lot of real life support but quality of support is better than quantity. You have support here so please keep posting here too.

How else can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. Please take the excellent counsel given by the others respondents here and run with it.

Do not agree to move house under any circumstances; that is basically kicking this miserable relationship down the road.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. I think your parents (controlling parents are NOT well meaning at all) particularly your mother, taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships and they and that primarily although there are other factors led you to being with this controlling abusive man now. Do not therefore involve them, tell them only after you've left him. I would also cease any future joint counselling sessions as those are never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. He likely only wants you around so you can carry on with the housework and childcare.

You only have to give your own self permission to leave along with dropping all the guilt. Do you think your H feels at all guilty about the ways he has treated you and in turn your son?. No.

Your own recovery from this abuse will only properly start when you and your son are away from him. What do you want to teach him about relationships and what is he learning here?. You absolutely do not want him to learn that a loveless relationship could become his "norm" too.

I left my husband when my son was almost 3, it was hard and I felt an awful lot of guilt for a long time and now my son is 13 I can see what a complete waste of time that guilt was.
As soon as I left I felt such relief. I got my life back and my voice. I did have to grieve for the relationship and all the things I felt I had lost like a happy family, ds growing up with 2 parents etc but my therapist pointed out that I wouldn’t have had those things anyway because I was so unhappy.
I think you know you need to leave and once you know that it will itch away at you. You can do it and your son will be fine.

Change your focus starting right now.

You're not in a happy marriage, which means your child is not in a happy, emotionally stable home. My parents divorced when I was 4, and the one single memory I have of them married is of me sitting on the stairs listening to them argue. I'm sooo glad they didn't stay together. I grew up not knowing any different and was totally happy with them being in separate homes. Made no difference to me. In fact, I loved that I got two sets of presents on birthdays, etc. ;)

You can't change anything about yourself to make the marriage happy. You could completely transform your personality and it would make absolutely zero difference. It takes two people to make a relationship healthy. It takes one person to end a relationship that isn't.

So, you can now choose.

Do you choose to keep yourself (and your child) in an unhappy situation?

Or do you choose to create a happier life for you and your child?

Staying in the situation isn't passive. It's a choice. You're still making a choice. You'd be choosing to continue as you are.

Tonight, and this weekend, look on RightMove for places to rent.
Have fun with it. Get excited.
When your current lease ends, simply move into the place you've chosen.
Treat it as a trial separation, if you need to.
But just start there.

Teach your child that it's 100% a viable option to go your own way, to be strong, and to be independent. It's one of the easiest things to demonstrate. You just make a decision and do it. You lead by example.

You've got this. You can do it. Your career alone demonstrates that you already have it in you.

Don't sign a joint lease. Start looking for your own place to rent now.

I'm not sure how old you are but I imagine you still have 20 or 30 years ahead of you.

This difficult time, if you did leave, will be a blot on the landscape and a distant memory and even though hard at first, you will be happier in the long run.

I've left my ex and kids (temporarily, had no choice, other than staying)

It has been hard and stressful and there is a long road ahead but I know I will be a much happier person for doing so. Much happier.

Start looking for an AirBnB to rent from December. You need to end this relationship and, as you have a decent income, you are able to afford a place for yourself and your son. Tell your partner that that is what you are going to do so he can then get his head round this new reality and can sort his own accommodation out. It is not good that he doesn't want to -or isn't able to discuss the breakdown of the relationship...I presume he feels nothing for you but is devastated at the though of not seeing his son every day. Breakup is hard. Get on with looking for accommodation...once you have secured somewhere then the reality will begin to sink in and a new phase can slowly begin.

OP, you complain that your husband keeps changing his mind and saying one thing then something else but you are doing the exact same thing in this thread.

You know you need to leave. Your husband has been given the opportunity to work with you on this and has chosen not to. So go sort yourself out, find a house for you and your son and talk to a divorce lawyer asap.

I think that the problem here, and with most of the people, myself included, is that we are used to making all decisions together with our partner and so we feel that we have to do the same here. That is not the case with a break up. One person can decided on her/his own to break the relationship regardless of what the other one wants. Sure, some couples do come to this decision together, but most times that is not the case. The thing is you can decided this for yourself and your husband may not agree with it. This does not mean that you should not proceed.

Once you are certain that this is what you want, you just go to him and tell him: "I am not happy in this marriage and I want out". Do not allow yourself to get sucked into any kind of explanation or discussion as this will just make it harder. Just say this firmly and with as much conviction as you can muster. No matter what he says from this point on, do not waver, do not try to explain as he clearly is not willing to listen. This is what happened to me. I spent years trying to talk to my husband but he was not listening. He was pretending to be listening but he was not and he was not doing anything to help fix things. One day I simply realized that there is no point in trying to talk to him, so I just came to him and told him that I wanted to end our marriage. He was stunned, why, how come, what happened? Well, I said, we have been together twenty five years, and nothing ever changed. I do not believe that anything every will and I do not want to tag along any more. He still tells everyone that he has nothing to do with our break up and that he has no idea why I left him since he was such an amazing husband. In the beginning this would enrage me but few months later, I do not care, I do not comment when people tell me this. I keep repeating in my head, this is what I want. It does not even matter what the reason is, if he understands, if the world understands. This is my life and only I know what is best for me.

I wish you luck and remember, you are your own master. You are strong and powerful women, you CAN do it!

Call woman's aid they will be able to tell you what support they can provide and think you need :) hope it will get sorted fast

Can I give you a very hard shake?

He is being emotionally abusive to bring you back into line and do as he wants which is you working and doing the bulk of the hard graft of child rearing and housework.

Find a 2 bed place for you and DS, get it secured. Give notice on the current place tell H he can take it over in his sole name if he sorts it out with the agency.

Tell H he can have DS EOW Fri-Mon abs every Wednesday overnight which 5 nights out of 14 if he wants more then he can have a Tuesday overnight as well.

Please take action and stop waiting for him to stop abusing you. He is going to blame you - who cares!!

You know your controlling parents - that's why you have a controlling husband.

Please save your DS from growing up thinking being controlled or being controlling is normal.

@Scaffoldtothesky I mean this with kindness, but I feel so frustrated reading your thread.

Your husband shows you no love, no care, no affection, no respect, he doesn't listen to you, he doesn't care about your feelings or opinions. You are a non-person to him. He is contradictory, changes his mind, makes no sense, refused to discuss issues including this very important one. It appears the only reason he wants you around is so he can tick the box 'son lives with both parents'. And possible because you're handy as you do more of the work and planning, whilst also earning more.

Why are on earth are you considering for one moment staying with him? Your life would be immeasurably better without him.

Your son would without doubt be better off too. Your relationship is a very unhealthy one which he will see as a model for his future relationships. I'm sure you don't want that for him. He lives in a house where there is tension and no love between the adults. That sounds awful for him.

If you stay, you will continue to feel as though you are disappearing. You will becime less and less you. Your son won't see the real you anymore. Your life will have been wasted.

By leaving you will find yourself again, you will be able to live in a loving, warm, calm home with your son. OK you won't see as much of him as you will be co-parenting, but your son will have his mum back. You will be stronger, happier, more resilient. You can be happily single, or, in time you might meet someone else. Someone who loves you and cares for you, listens to you and respects you as his equal.

You don't need your husband's permission to leave him. You can find somewhere else to live and leave with your son. Of course you will have to agree a co-parenting arrangement that is fair and best for your son. Perhaps that should be the focus of your future therapy. But if you keep waiting for your husband to make a decision I suspect you will wait forever. And besides, why does he have to be the one to make a decision?

Please OP, please remember that your wants are every bit as valid as his. I'm sure he'd love to keep jerking you around on a string forever, while you desperately try to fit in with whatever his preference is at that particular point in time.

Don't allow him to keep making you doubt yourself. Of course it won't get any better if you stay together and move house - why would it?

Start looking for a nice place for you and your wee boy, and start LIVING, rather than just existing!

Thank you everyone for all the replies. I really appreciate the time taken to read and respond. I'm sorry if I'm frustrating some of you.

Yes I'm being controlled by silence and ignoring aren't I. Is it abuse? I don't know, but it feels like hell. I need to keep reminding myself that this isn't good for me and ultimately my son.

I don't want you all to think I'm an angel, I'm not. In the past I've screamed, shouted, thrown things around in frustration to be heard. So I guess he's paying me back for all that now with silence and ignoring because I don't want to play the game anymore, I've given up that screaming and shouting and fighting for a better understanding between us and he can't stand it can he. DM gave me the silent treatment for 2 years since I managed to speak up and disagree and walk away from her once. So it's the same pattern isn't it.

I am absolutely leaving.
I need to hold my nerve and know this is the right thing to do.
I need to get on with the practical things like finding a place to live.
My priorities are my health, my son, my work and keeping myself afloat. Marriage and what he thinks and what he does no longer on the priority list.

Re your comments in quote marks:-
"Yes I'm being controlled by silence and ignoring aren't I. Is it abuse?"

Yes it is. Silent treatment and ignoring are examples of emotional abuse. Abuse is not solely physical in nature.

"I don't know, but it feels like hell. I need to keep reminding myself that this isn't good for me and ultimately my son".

Yes, do keep reminding yourself of the above

"DM gave me the silent treatment for 2 years since I managed to speak up and disagree and walk away from her once. So it's the same pattern isn't it".

Yes it is and her behaviours towards you as well also played a huge part in you being with this man in the first place. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and your mother primed you into further tacitly accepting abuse from her along with putting your own needs and wants dead last (in favour of her own). Your H picked up on your poor boundaries through being abused and targeted you deliberately.

I would also consider therapy going forward re the relationship with your mother. BACP's website would be worth looking at.

"I am absolutely leaving.
I need to hold my nerve and know this is the right thing to do.
I need to get on with the practical things like finding a place to live.
My priorities are my health, my son, my work and keeping myself afloat. Marriage and what he thinks and what he does no longer on the priority list".

Correct, make this your mantra and stick to it like glue. Your son will also thank you for doing this.

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat and all the other posters. Sorry I can't reply to each post but reading each one and it's so validating, thank you all really.

Yesterday I contacted Women's Aid and they gave some good advice about my situation. They did say it sounds like I am being brainwashed, controlled and manipulated. They provided some good practical advice as well.

I'm going to set myself the target to move well before Christmas. I wanted to buy somewhere if I could and started to look at places to buy a few months ago (I actually even put an offer into one - cheeky me!) but it may need to be a rental for now. I have to do this for me and my son don't I.

I'm starting to feel like I can actually do this.

@layladomino thank you for that wake up call. That you have summed up the relationship and what he is really like.
Your husband shows you no love, no care, no affection, no respect, he doesn't listen to you, he doesn't care about your feelings or opinions. You are a non-person to him. He is contradictory, changes his mind, makes no sense, refused to discuss issues including this very important one.

Thank you all for your replies, I feel like you are all helping me to literally save my life.

Can you see it as you both needing to separate. He is not happy either from what you say. And start phrasing it as best for you both, and for DS in the long run.

@yusanaim yes of course, but to be honest, no, I'm not there right now. I've had my own needs and unhappiness ignored and minimised by him for so long (and by myself in a bid to make things work). I'm leaving this misery for myself and my son.

He has already said in the marriage counselling that he feels neither happy or unhappy about me saying I want to leave. It's not my job to figure it what's acceptable for him.

If you could buy then absolutely try and do that. Move into a cheap as possible rental with DS if it means you could buy soon.

It sounds like your ex is a millstone around your neck tbh!

Don't worry about buying right now, just take the first half decent place that comes up for December 1st.

Once you are away from him the clear your head will be.

Don't engage with him, just make your plans and focus on the future.

Keep posting.

I'm just checking in. Still reading all the responses here and especially taking comfort from the PPs who have made it out the other end and survived. How exactly did you manage it in terms of the extreme emotional pressure?

I'm feeling sad inside, it's my birthday very soon. H has not mentioned at all but I am not surprised right now. He's fully gone silent on me. Says 2-3 sentences a day to me. If I catch myself feeling bad about the marriage, I keep reminding myself this is his choice, he is choosing to be a cruel, mean bastard.

I think I would be better off making a plan for my birthday with just DS. I've already booked an activity at our local soft play in the morning of my birthday and now think I will just slope off with DS to have a lovely cake and coffee somewhere. Sorry trivial post. I feel like this is a bad dream.

Sounds like a great plan.
Certainly better than any pretence with him.

Have you started looking at properties?

@Scaffoldtothesky It is very hard, no doubt about that. But before I talked to my now ex I was literaly getting sick. My blood preasure was sky rocketing, I was getting dizy spells, my heart was pounding, I cold not sleep. I thought I would either get sick and die or go mad. My GP told me that I have to talk to my husband and that my health will improve and he was right. After I said it out loud I felt so much better and every time I shared it with someone, my kids, my friends and family, same thing. However, the period between telling him and couple of weeks after he moved out were very emotional for me. I did my best to hide it from my kids, but I was very emotional, mostly feeling guilty and sad. Every time he would stop by to take something or send me a text message I would get anxiety attack.

However, three months after he moved, I cannot tell you how much better I feel. Every day, I give myself a quick scan an think, omg the anxiety and sickness in the pit of my stomach that were pretty much always there, gone. I wake up in the morning feeling so happy and in good mood, I cannot wait to get home if I am out. I go out to see my friends and family, go for walks, drinks, dinners not worry about anything, I decorated my house the way I wanted it, I am making plans for trips etc next year, I am feeling so much better already and i am sure that in the months and years to come it will keep happening.

There is so much that I have forgotten about myself and I cannot wait to remember.

As for your birthday, do you want him there, to spoil this happy occasion for you? No, you do not need him. Plan it the best way you wanted it to be, take you DC and enjoy. Happy B-day!