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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My BF won’t acknowledge me on social media. Is he hiding something?

106 replies

Malibu19880 · 15/10/2021 09:48

Just to be abundantly clear

I appreciate that not everyone uses social media/posts regularly/posts their relationships online. I fully understand that the posting of ones relationship is never a true reflection of what that relationship is actually like etc.

So with that out of the way…I have to be careful what I say because I don’t want to out myself.

Basically I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years however there is no trace of me on any of his social media. Again, just to be clear, I don’t expect public declarations of love and constant couples photos/posts on birthdays anniversaries etc as I am not that type of person anyway and that’s not what I’m asking for…but he regularly uses social media, both Facebook and Instagram, and from looking at them you would never even know I existed.

There was one photo of us from a post that I posted a few months ago which he was tagged in…he recently removed this from his profile. It’s been up there for months…why suddenly now remove it? This isn’t the only odd thing he’s done…turn comments off in Instagram posts…will never even open Instagram when he’s around me.

I know people are going to say social media doesn’t matter, our relationship in real life matters which I understand but my previous relationship was incredibly emotionally abusive. I spent years ignoring all the red flags and silencing my intuition so I am really struggling with this because something feels off.

The not actively posting me I can understand but to go out of his way to remove photos/any kind of reference to me from his profile…not even open his Instagram when I’m around…something isn’t right?

I have spoken to him before about how it makes me feel…like he’s ashamed of me or that he has something to hide but he just seems to brush off what I say or make me feel like I’m being unreasonable so I don’t know what to do anymore!

OP posts:
category12 · 15/10/2021 09:55

It's very odd that you're not featured if he's a regular user of SM.

Do you suspect he's cheating/on the look out?

Have you met his friends and family? Do you live near each other?

Mumdiva99 · 15/10/2021 09:55

That's weird. Do you share pictures of the both of you? For example if I am out for a day I would post a few pictures....some scenery, some of the kids and at least one of husband. I tag him - he no longer really uses FB but his friends can then see how the kids are growing etc.....and will often comment on my posts. It would be odd for me to not do that. And odder still if he asked me not to post at all. Unless he actually said to me - I no longer wish to have any photos posted at all for reason X in which case I would respect his wishes.....so maybe I am contradicting myself.....does he have an issue with all pictures or just yours? If his friend tags him in a post what does he do?

Kuachui · 15/10/2021 09:57

Doesn't look good I'm afraid. I'd think he was either looking for attention from other woman or he already had attention from other girls and didn't want them and you to find out.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 15/10/2021 09:59

Either he is ashamed of you or he uses social media to sniff around other women

Original poster
Malibu19880 · 15/10/2021 09:59

I have no reason to suspect he is physically cheating on me, but whether he chats to other women online…I have had my suspicions (but I am also very insecure and paranoid due to my previous relationship so it’s very difficult to distinguish between what is a rational worry and what is me being paranoid).

He hasn’t hidden me in his real life. I have met his family, I’m friends with them on social media etc

And no we don’t live near each other we live in different cities. We spend every weekend together though

OP posts:
WatieKatie · 15/10/2021 10:03

The red flag for me would be him deleting your post in which he was tagged.

I would be addressing this with him and asking why. I would also be asking to look at his account.

Original poster
Malibu19880 · 15/10/2021 10:03

@Mumdiva99

That's weird. Do you share pictures of the both of you? For example if I am out for a day I would post a few pictures....some scenery, some of the kids and at least one of husband. I tag him - he no longer really uses FB but his friends can then see how the kids are growing etc.....and will often comment on my posts. It would be odd for me to not do that. And odder still if he asked me not to post at all. Unless he actually said to me - I no longer wish to have any photos posted at all for reason X in which case I would respect his wishes.....so maybe I am contradicting myself.....does he have an issue with all pictures or just yours? If his friend tags him in a post what does he do?
Sorry I haven’t worked out how to properly reply.

I very rarely share pictures of the both of us. But like you said when we’re doing stuff together like on a walk or whatever I’ll tag him on Instagram stories…but he has never ever done that with me…despite him posting fairly regularly on his own Instagram stories.

He doesn’t like having photos of himself taken…he’s not that kind of person which I have tried to be respectful of. I have asked “can I post this photo” before posting and he has said no/yes etc… and the one did say yes to has now removed a few months later like I said.

OP posts:
Original poster
Malibu19880 · 15/10/2021 10:05

@Kuachui

Doesn't look good I'm afraid. I'd think he was either looking for attention from other woman or he already had attention from other girls and didn't want them and you to find out.
Yes this is my fear. He’s quite the hermit crab and not the kind of man you would “expect” to behave like this but he does follow some women on his social media that I have no idea who they are…sigh
OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 15/10/2021 10:06

I'm sorry but every time I've seen this happen it's because the guy was cheating (once he was even married!)

He's not just not using SM he's deliberately making you invisible

Original poster
Malibu19880 · 15/10/2021 10:08

I just want to add that if you go in his Instagram
Tagged photos…the photos I have tagged him in are on there which he hasn’t hidden…so it’s very confusing

OP posts:
Marelle · 15/10/2021 10:09

My ex did this and it was because he was seeing other women and didn’t want them to know about me.

Sakurami · 15/10/2021 10:21

Sounds dodgy

forumdonkey · 15/10/2021 10:24

Tag him in a photo of you both and see what happens. That should tell you what you need to know

BaronessOfTheNorth · 15/10/2021 10:28

I don't think this is about acknowledging you on social media.

If he's turning off chats and untagging himself in your post, he is probably trying to hide the existence of a girlfriend. He may not have realised that your tags on Instagram are still there.

Not opening Instagram messages around you is another red flag.

RantyAunty · 15/10/2021 10:51

He lives in another city.
He pretty much don't exist when it comes to his social media.
Comments turned off
Will never open an insta around you.

He's clearly either with someone else or has his eye on someone else.

Does he ever like or comment on any of your sm?

Is there any one girl who always likes his pics or that he likes theirs?

Bookworm20 · 15/10/2021 10:53

The instagram ones where he has been tagged in with you. Are they posts that could be seen as you being friends? Or are they posts definitely showing you as a couple?

Him deleting the post you tagged him in on recently is suspect. If you are in a relationship, why is he anonymising you on his SM if he is active on there. That would be a huge red flag for me, i'm sorry.

dreamingbohemian · 15/10/2021 10:56

How is your relationship generally? Does he seem really committed to you, are you making plans for the future?

whosfarted · 15/10/2021 10:58

Yep. Sounds very off to me! Especially as he uses his SM. My first thought would be that he uses SM to talk to other people (women) and doesn't want them to become suspicious.
I haven't been on SM for years so may be behind the times but what about status' etc? Do you ever tag him in those and he deletes or is it just photos?

MsJinks · 15/10/2021 10:59

Don’t know if it’s relevant but you can restrict what friends see on Facebook- could he have done this to you? You may only know if you know one of his other friends and ask if they see more than you though.

Buggritbuggrit · 15/10/2021 11:00

Have a conversation about it. Ask him why. Get an explanation for the untagged photo in particular. Don’t let him ‘brush you off’ (I see that a lot on here, and I never really understand what it means).

You’re in a relationship and you’re unhappy about something, so it needs to be addressed.

Cas112 · 15/10/2021 11:01

If he just didn't post and was quite private in general I would say don't worry to much BUT the untagging and the deactivating comments is a really big question mark. I don't know anyone who would go to the effort of deactivating comments unless there was a reason to. Like I actually don't know anyone that does that apart from celebs to deter trolling.

Go with your gut its never usually wrong, try have a adult conversation with him about it and be reasonable but have your eyes very open.

JacquelineCarlyle · 15/10/2021 11:14

Agree with @Cas112 - hope you get to the bottom of it Op (& we're all wrong and it's nothing sinister at all!)

Original poster
Malibu19880 · 15/10/2021 11:16

Thank you for all your comments and insights.

He has my sister on Facebook, so unless he's hidden her from stuff too as far as I'm aware he hasn't hidden me from viewing things on his facebook. I'm tech savvy so I know he could easily do this though. I know of all the ways he can hide me from things he doesn't want me to see but I don't think he's posting another woman or anything because I have his sister on my social medias and I have a good relationship with her...she's not the kind of woman that would approve of her brother behaving that way so I don't believe he's "seeing" someone else and hiding it from me.

As I said previously he's a hermit crab. Doesn't have any female friends or anything, has only had one serious relationship other than me so he's not the typical 'player' type or the type of man that you would expect to be doing this sort of thing although I appreciate there isn't always a "type" of person that behaves this way. But still...I don't think he is physically cheating on me...

My suspicion is that he speaks to other women on line or that there's someone on his socials that he doesn't want to know about me.
I've flat out asked him this before and he said I was being crazy. This is what I mean when I say he 'brushes me off', he'll either laugh and say I'm being ridiculous or say I'm being crazy.
He follows some women on Instagram that I don't know and that he's never mentioned before (non-famous, regular women) and his circle is very small so my suspicion as I have said before is that he has a bunch of women he keeps around just in case...but I can't prove any of this.

He tags me in memes and stuff on Facebook...and likes my photos/comments on my things. And he doesn't REMOVE the tags of himself from my Facebook posts...just removes them from his Facebook feed so if you were to go on his profile you wouldn't see them but if you go on my profile he's still tagged there.

It's all just very strange behaviour. I'm meant to be moving in with him next year. I'm 31, I know I can't keep on like this cause it's making me feel like shit.

But when I confront him about this he'll say "I didn't like that picture of me" and then where can I go from there?

Our in person relationship is generally good I have no real complaints.

OP posts:
Roberta268 · 15/10/2021 11:26

I was in a similar situation, compounded by the fact that he had thousands of pictures of his ex still visible on SM. He wasn’t cheating (as far as I know) but he WAS lukewarm in his interest and, I suspect, still not over his ex. We broke up after a year but I wish I’d listened to my gut and left sooner.

MatildaIThink · 15/10/2021 11:30

I have been married for six years, with my husband for for 16 years, have two children. I can probably count on one hand the number of pictures/posts that my husband has put online that have a picture of me in them and there are none of our kids. He uses social media for work and to occasionally watch random comedy or fitness video clips, he also has full privacy enabled so he has to authorise tags to show on his timeline and I am not sure he has approved anything that isn't work related for years.

If you have trust issues in relation to him then deal with them, but the whole social media thing seems to be trying to make an issue over nothing.