My BF won’t acknowledge me on social media. Is he hiding something?

[Malibu19880]

Just to be abundantly clear

I appreciate that not everyone uses social media/posts regularly/posts their relationships online. I fully understand that the posting of ones relationship is never a true reflection of what that relationship is actually like etc.

So with that out of the way…I have to be careful what I say because I don’t want to out myself.

Basically I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years however there is no trace of me on any of his social media. Again, just to be clear, I don’t expect public declarations of love and constant couples photos/posts on birthdays anniversaries etc as I am not that type of person anyway and that’s not what I’m asking for…but he regularly uses social media, both Facebook and Instagram, and from looking at them you would never even know I existed.

There was one photo of us from a post that I posted a few months ago which he was tagged in…he recently removed this from his profile. It’s been up there for months…why suddenly now remove it? This isn’t the only odd thing he’s done…turn comments off in Instagram posts…will never even open Instagram when he’s around me.

I know people are going to say social media doesn’t matter, our relationship in real life matters which I understand but my previous relationship was incredibly emotionally abusive. I spent years ignoring all the red flags and silencing my intuition so I am really struggling with this because something feels off.

The not actively posting me I can understand but to go out of his way to remove photos/any kind of reference to me from his profile…not even open his Instagram when I’m around…something isn’t right?

I have spoken to him before about how it makes me feel…like he’s ashamed of me or that he has something to hide but he just seems to brush off what I say or make me feel like I’m being unreasonable so I don’t know what to do anymore!

Also just want to add he’s an in person social recluse - not an online one 😅, he doesn’t go out/ go to the pub/ he doesn’t drink etc as mentioned in previous posts.

This doesn’t bother me, I am comfortable with it because I also don’t drink etc so it’s not an issue

I know this will be a veeeery controversial opinion OP, but if I were you I would take the next opportunity to search his phone/laptop. I couldn't live not knowing what is going on.

@JudgementalCactus

I know this will be a veeeery controversial opinion OP, but if I were you I would take the next opportunity to search his phone/laptop. I couldn't live not knowing what is going on.

I don’t know his passcode so wouldn’t be able to access his phone

All this 'hermit crab' stuff combined with being on SM suggests to me he has an active and important online life/image whicg he works to sustain.

And it doesn't include being in a serious realtionship. He wants to keep his image open to possibilities.

Those possibilies might well just be maintiaing the persona and links and intersts of others but it's impoatnt to him.

And that's what's making you feel shit.

Yes in RL you have this normal relationships but online he's maintaining an diffrent life or image of one. He needs to wake up and ditch his his imaginary life and align it with RL, or you move on.

@Malibu19880 if you PM me his instagram name I'll follow him and see how he reacts to a little female attention. I'm only half joking

Why don't you just not see him for a weekend and see family/friends go to the cinema, nice walks etc clear your head and do you things. A bit of space away from a situation can give us perspective of it all. Maybe you are not ready to be in a relationship and just need to do you and be happy single for a while if it is causing all this stress as your gut is telling you something but this situation could also have triggered the past and what you went though so please talk to a friend or family member.

@JudgementalCactus I agree I don't see any harm in checking now and again. I was going to suggest the same as you .

What stood out for me is the turning the comments off on IG I think it's unusual.

There was nothing of my last partner on SM. I didn't hide him

Our time together was our time and I didn't want others seeing our photos.

Maybe he had pics of me on his maybe he didn't. I don't know as we weren't friends on SM. I wasn't bothered or even thought about adding him

Just an update: I basically asked him outright and my suspicions were confirmed…the random girls he follows on Instagram are girls he’s matched with on dating sites. A few of them he also has on Facebook.

I know some might not agree with me but I find this to be unacceptable. Why are you maintaining online connections with dating site matches when you’re in a serious relationship of 2 years?

Anyway, I confronted, he said he hasn’t done anything wrong. He deactivated Instagram and said “now you can’t moan at me” so I packed my stuff and left.

He never came after me.

I’m absolutely heartbroken. I forgot how bad this pain was it’s the worst feeling in the entire world. But it’s the first time in my life I’ve been brave in a relationship and walked away. The pain really is unbearable though and I’m wondering if I made a huge mistake. The worst part about this is my biological clock ticking away in the background which adds a tremendous amount of pressure because I want a family. I can’t go through the dating sites again. I don’t have any friends. It’s all just a big mess

I'm so sorry Op but you deserve so much better. Please try to stay strong - I know it's hard when the biological clock is ticking but you're much better off alone than being saddled with a cheating man who doesn't care about you. You deserve someone who wants you and not a time waster. Your future children will thank you!

Sounds like he's keeping his options open to be honest;most men who cheat/flirt with other women friends/family know about their girlfriends/wives but it doesn't mean they want women outside of their inner social circle to know they are taken as let's face it;most half decent women would tell them to get lost if they know a man is attached.

Just to play Devil’s advocate, I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We have three children.
Neither of us have ever posted about the other or our children.
I wouldn’t be surprised if there are people on our SM “friend’s list” who don’t know we have children.

However, we are in photos together that other people have taken of us and tagged. I would find it very strange if my husband deleted stuff on his wall that mentioned me.

Neither of us bother with social media much at all any more.

@Malibu19880

Just an update: I basically asked him outright and my suspicions were confirmed…the random girls he follows on Instagram are girls he’s matched with on dating sites. A few of them he also has on Facebook.

I know some might not agree with me but I find this to be unacceptable. Why are you maintaining online connections with dating site matches when you’re in a serious relationship of 2 years?

Anyway, I confronted, he said he hasn’t done anything wrong. He deactivated Instagram and said “now you can’t moan at me” so I packed my stuff and left.

He never came after me.

I’m absolutely heartbroken. I forgot how bad this pain was it’s the worst feeling in the entire world. But it’s the first time in my life I’ve been brave in a relationship and walked away. The pain really is unbearable though and I’m wondering if I made a huge mistake. The worst part about this is my biological clock ticking away in the background which adds a tremendous amount of pressure because I want a family. I can’t go through the dating sites again. I don’t have any friends. It’s all just a big mess

I'm so sorry you're heartbroken, but you've had a lucky escape from the sleazebag. Imagine finding this out after you'd moved in together.

I’ve just seen the update and you’ve done the right thing

Great post from @MamDancer

Pretty much sums it up

If it were just 'still follows old dates/matches' I wouldn't think much of it, I have old dates on my ig that I dont go to the bother of unfollowing and occasionally they'll ask how I am etc my bf is the same. Its the backdrop to it all. The not mentioning you and untagging himself. Again on its own if he just never posted much or never posted photos of himself or people in his life it would be easy to see it as a privacy issue, but since he does it begs the question.

Its all the little things that don't add up and suggest hes hiding your relationship. Im so sorry but you've bailed at the right time. For someone going through therapy and cptsd for previous abuse you've done bloody brilliantly in standing for yourself

Keep strong. Hope your head up high and always remember your worth xx

Thank you for all your comments of support I really appreciate them.

Yes the fact that he still follows dating site matches in itself wouldn’t be an issue if it was very clear from his social media that he was in a relationship.

I asked him if he understood where I was coming from. He said “no” he “hadn't done anything wrong” then continued to just be silent and not even looking at me when I was trying to talk to him openly about this.
I said “do you even care about my feelings” and he stayed completely silent still, looking at the tv.
I said “it’s a simple yes or no…or I’ll go”
He mumbled “yes” like a sulking child in the quietest voice.
So I said again…”yes or no or I’ll go”
And he shouted “go then” so I did.

I left his home, had to wait around for an Uber for 40 mins to take me to the train station to get home. He never even bothered to check if I made it home safely. Just feel like my world has fallen apart, he was my best friend.

I know I’m relaying all the clichés here but the pain is so overwhelming. It’s even worse that I walked, because all my old fears and anxieties are all being massively triggered and I just think if I kept my mouth shut I wouldn’t be in this much pain right now and I’d still be with him.

But I couldn’t continue feeling like a secret. Even if he did nothing wrong and it was all completely innocent, the fact that he completely disregarded my feelings, stonewalled me when I tried to talk to him about it like adults and let me leave says it all I guess.

It’s just so fucking hard to come to terms with the fact that someone you love deeply and would move heaven and earth for doesn’t really give that much of a shit about you.

As a survivor of an abusive relationship which included definite elements of social media mis-use similar to what you describe let me tell you, you’ve done an amazing thing for yourself and it speaks volumes to your recovery and the work you’ve been doing. When people show you who they are, believe them. You’re better off out. And don’t have kids with an abuser or someone you don’t trust! Lucky escape and yes it feels like shit but it won’t forever. And if you truly want kids more than anything else there are ways you can do that without a relationship. Please be kind to yourself. You have done the most brave and right thing you could and you got a lucky escape. And the feelings you have now will pass.

He's a disrespectful creep who's trying to have his cake and eat it. Well done you for not allowing it. You should be really proud of yourself x

he was my best friend.

And now you know he isn't. He's just another entitled, sulking manchild who wants all the benefits of having a regular girlfriend, while seeking and interracting with other women, with you conveniently hidden on his SM so he presents as single online.

He really wasn't your best friend OP. He has had you doubting yourself for a long time about what's going on and made out you were imagining it. The truth is you did not mean to him what he did to you or he would never have wanted to maintain this pseudo single status with potential dates. Don't let your biological clock make you lower your standards.

Bless you. I think you were incredibly brave sticking to your guns like that and trusting your gut, which turned out to be right.
He wasn't your best friend. I'm so sorry.
You're hurting right now and especially as he didn't even bother to check you got home ok. Remember that when you're missing him and tempted to contact him, remember how he didn't even check you were ok.

Get through the next few days and you'll start to realise how much better off you are without that sort of crap in your life making you unhappy. Feel proud of yourself for not putting up with that shit.
Onwards and upwards. You'll find the one. You'll find the one who IS your best friend and will want to shout it from the rooftops how proud he is to be with you.

You deserve better Op. it's hard now but it will get easier.

Don't let your biological clock make you lower your standards

Write this out with a big bold marker pen and tape it to your mirror.

Or your fridge.

Or both.

But above all keep repeating it to yourself until it becomes imprinted in your psyche.