My BF won’t acknowledge me on social media. Is he hiding something?

[Malibu19880]

Just to be abundantly clear

I appreciate that not everyone uses social media/posts regularly/posts their relationships online. I fully understand that the posting of ones relationship is never a true reflection of what that relationship is actually like etc.

So with that out of the way…I have to be careful what I say because I don’t want to out myself.

Basically I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years however there is no trace of me on any of his social media. Again, just to be clear, I don’t expect public declarations of love and constant couples photos/posts on birthdays anniversaries etc as I am not that type of person anyway and that’s not what I’m asking for…but he regularly uses social media, both Facebook and Instagram, and from looking at them you would never even know I existed.

There was one photo of us from a post that I posted a few months ago which he was tagged in…he recently removed this from his profile. It’s been up there for months…why suddenly now remove it? This isn’t the only odd thing he’s done…turn comments off in Instagram posts…will never even open Instagram when he’s around me.

I know people are going to say social media doesn’t matter, our relationship in real life matters which I understand but my previous relationship was incredibly emotionally abusive. I spent years ignoring all the red flags and silencing my intuition so I am really struggling with this because something feels off.

The not actively posting me I can understand but to go out of his way to remove photos/any kind of reference to me from his profile…not even open his Instagram when I’m around…something isn’t right?

I have spoken to him before about how it makes me feel…like he’s ashamed of me or that he has something to hide but he just seems to brush off what I say or make me feel like I’m being unreasonable so I don’t know what to do anymore!

He may well be a cheater, especially if there are other "flags".

But it might just be that he thinks of it as private and doesn't want it out there - that kind of thing feels gushy or performative and fake and sort of just doing private things in public. I say that because I'm like that. My brain is a bit weird compared to other people's though and I too am a bit of a hermit.

(Having said that, if my partner had seemed upset about it, I'd hopefully have talked it out and come to some kind of compromise!)

I'd definitely find this weird, and question it.

Removing all traces of you from his social media would indicate there's someone on there he doesn't want knowing about you. As in, he doesn't want it showing up on their feed. On IG, photos he's tagged in won't show up on their feed. On IG, his likes/comments won't show up on their feed (unless you are also friends with this person). So these are 'safe' things to do. However, on FB being tagged in your photos or on IG/FB -putting up photos of you, would show up on his 'friend's' feed. And him removing tags later, means he might be befriending new people he doesn't want seeing traces of you.

Since he is a regular user of SM, it is suspicious that he doesn't want any mention of you as a 'gf'. Sure, he may not like one photo, he doesn't like ANY of them? I call BS. I would insist he puts up a photo of you, or comes up with a very good reason why not.

In my experience, the only people who hide their partners no completely on SM are either cheating, or want the option to cheat. In either case it means they're not committed. Most men i've been with, even my exH and current bf don't use SM anymore, they just have old accounts they never update, but they always allow tags from me their friends and family can see and comment on. That is how it should be.

I once dated a guy who told me explicitly that all his ex-es used to get very annoyed he never posted them on FB, and gave me a big spiel how he would have to be engaged or married to do that. Obv never posted me either. Turns out, he had fancied an old friend for years and wanted to maintain his 'available' status - because after we broke up, they started dating and lo and behold - he suddenly didn't mind posting a gf on there.....

From some of the later stuff you have said...maybe he just genuinely doesn't like pictures of himself. Go easy. Tread carefully. But don't make too much of it in case it is nothing. If there are other flags then don't ignore them.

@MatildaIThink

I have been married for six years, with my husband for for 16 years, have two children. I can probably count on one hand the number of pictures/posts that my husband has put online that have a picture of me in them and there are none of our kids. He uses social media for work and to occasionally watch random comedy or fitness video clips, he also has full privacy enabled so he has to authorise tags to show on his timeline and I am not sure he has approved anything that isn't work related for years.

If you have trust issues in relation to him then deal with them, but the whole social media thing seems to be trying to make an issue over nothing.

The OP has said he's a regular user and not mentioned that he only uses it for work. So why would you assume that everyone who uses social media regularly, uses it for work only? In fact, most people use it for everything other than work. Anyone who posts about their holidays, pets, family, friends, dinner etc can also post about their gf at least once.

Also if people like Joe Wicks, who made his name and career through social media, can regularly post about his wife and kids, as can loads of other social media influencers, anyone else can as well.

OP you've mentioned a couple of times now about him being a 'hermit crab' I did online dating for about 5 years. I met a lot of people. What I found most was that the most active keyboard warriors / most contact came from very hermit crab types. They were often private for various reasons, but keen to chat. I usually found out quickly that they were already attached or not particularly suited as relationship material. (The same ones always put their phones face down in your company - so you don't see their notifications)

All things added up, you have right for your senses to be tingling.

@todaysdilemma

I'd definitely find this weird, and question it.

Removing all traces of you from his social media would indicate there's someone on there he doesn't want knowing about you. As in, he doesn't want it showing up on their feed. On IG, photos he's tagged in won't show up on their feed. On IG, his likes/comments won't show up on their feed (unless you are also friends with this person). So these are 'safe' things to do. However, on FB being tagged in your photos or on IG/FB -putting up photos of you, would show up on his 'friend's' feed. And him removing tags later, means he might be befriending new people he doesn't want seeing traces of you.

Since he is a regular user of SM, it is suspicious that he doesn't want any mention of you as a 'gf'. Sure, he may not like one photo, he doesn't like ANY of them? I call BS. I would insist he puts up a photo of you, or comes up with a very good reason why not.

In my experience, the only people who hide their partners no completely on SM are either cheating, or want the option to cheat. In either case it means they're not committed. Most men i've been with, even my exH and current bf don't use SM anymore, they just have old accounts they never update, but they always allow tags from me their friends and family can see and comment on. That is how it should be.

I once dated a guy who told me explicitly that all his ex-es used to get very annoyed he never posted them on FB, and gave me a big spiel how he would have to be engaged or married to do that. Obv never posted me either. Turns out, he had fancied an old friend for years and wanted to maintain his 'available' status - because after we broke up, they started dating and lo and behold - he suddenly didn't mind posting a gf on there.....

Everything you have said is what I have thought myself, just needed to hear it from others. Thank you

I wouldn't even think of moving in with him. I think it would be disastrous.

@RainbowZebraWarrior

OP you've mentioned a couple of times now about him being a 'hermit crab' I did online dating for about 5 years. I met a lot of people. What I found most was that the most active keyboard warriors / most contact came from very hermit crab types. They were often private for various reasons, but keen to chat. I usually found out quickly that they were already attached or not particularly suited as relationship material. (The same ones always put their phones face down in your company - so you don't see their notifications)

All things added up, you have right for your senses to be tingling.

Yes you’re right I do know this. He doesn’t go out, he doesn’t drink, he’s shy and reclusive so the online world is his world basically. And they are the most chatty types online

From my sleuthing I think he has “collected” a number of women over the years online probably via dating apps and what not and maintained sort of online social media type friendships with them…and he doesn’t want them to know he’s not single.

Cause he’s not friends with his ex on social media and there’s no photos or anything of them anywhere (they have been split up for a good 5 years now) so it’s not her.

He doesn’t hide me in real life, we go places all over where he lives where it’s possible he could bump into people he knows all the time so it’s not that.

Does he post pictures of himself on SM or just random stuff? It doesn’t sound as though he is hiding you if you’ve met him friends and family. If he doesn’t like pictures of himself that makes sense, I’ve disabled the tag feature so no one can take me in anything. I hate it.

Shut it down, my ex was exactly the same, he once changed his whatsapp photo to one of him and our daughter to just one of him trying to look sultry, that's when I knew he was messing around! and kicked him to the kerb!

Urghhh I was with someone like this, I couldn't work out if he was embarrassed for people to know he was seeing me, or if he simply didn't want anyone to know he was in a relationship or he was embarrassed about any relationship.

I still never got to the bottom of it, I think it was a bit of everything. We didn't last as it was a bit of a reflection of our entire relationship, I kind of ended up taking a back seat, in the background for the relationship. He turned out to be a bit of a selfish twat

I have the tagging function on FB set to approve only. That means I have to approve tags, so although they will appear on the other person’s feed, they don’t appear on mine.

I almost never remember to approve tags from people I don’t mind being seen with, for any other reason than I don’t spend a huge amount of time on social media. So my DP might tag me in a picture/status update, I honestly couldn’t tell you if I’ve ever approved any of them, purely because it hasn’t occurred to me to.

If you’ve met his friends and family then it seems doubtful that he doesn’t want people to know about you.

He doesn't have his FB tags set to approve only and he spends a large amount of time on social media.

I mean he has a separate instagram account for his pet...which he regularly posts on. This isn't a case of someone who as an aversion to social media not wanting to post me. There are tagged posts on his fb profile with photos of him that his sister has posted in the last year or so...so it's not like no photos of him exist whatsoever...

The ones I have posted of him on instagram aren't coupley photos. I like to take pictures so the ones I have of him are amateur photography type solo shots when we're hill walking or whatever.

He doesn't have a problem being all over my socials. It's very apparent to other men that I am in a relationship. It just doesn't apply the other way round.

I will confront him about this later I just needed to know if I was being irrational or not and I don't think I am. Even if there is an innocent explination its a pattern of dodgy behaviour that makes me feel like shit, that I have already raised with him and he's just continued to do it without taking my feelings into consideration. I wouldn't do that to him

My ex was like this.
Long term cheat and absolute attention seeker.
Needed constant ego boosting, it was really quite pathetic.

Sorry, so to answer your question, yes, he probably is hiding the fact he's in a long term relationship.

I have met many guys when dating, online dating or just generally socialising, who's social media makes it look like they are completely single. Without exception they've either (mostly) been married or in long-term de facto relationships and with shared kids .
It transpires that some of them can also lockdown their profile posts so that prospective shags can't see any of their other family/wifey posts.
Or they look very open profile but have strong controls over who can tag them/post to their page so that certain people can't see who they regularly interact with.

But did you say op that you've met all his family and friends in person? As his girlfriend? So how would he be then hiding another family/relationship?

Bloody hell op are you a bloody carpet or what?

Pleading to take his photo? Him deleting stuff of you guys on fbook or insta? Fuck that.

Get some respect and dump his cheating ass

@cushioncovers

But did you say op that you've met all his family and friends in person? As his girlfriend? So how would he be then hiding another family/relationship?

Not hiding another relationship. But keeping himself available for potential text buddies/relationships/shags etc. If being introduced to friends/family was a guarantee someone was 100% committed - no one married or in a long term relationship would ever be cheated on.

Yes exactly. I don’t believe he’s hiding another relationship. I was recently at a work function of his with all his colleagues as his partner. I’ve babysat his nephew…I am very much in his life and I’m fairly confident he isn’t sleeping with someone behind my back (although when I read people say stuff like that on here I think they’re being naive) but I’m pretty switched on and hyper sensitive and there are absolutely no indications whatever that this guys is physically cheating on me.

His behaviour suggests he just doesn’t whoever it is online to know that he is in a relationship.

I have sat on this feeling for so long and just needed to post here to try to make sense of it…to see if i was being unreasonable or if overthinking things but it’s clear i’m not.

As I said I will confront him with it…ask him why he’s removed the Facebook post from his profile…and see what he says I guess.

Harsh but fair

Your senses are correct here OP. There's someone in his socials that he really doesn't want to let know that you exist. It's insulting to you and suggests that he's just biding time with you, not committed to you or in love with you.

I'm not one to be bothered about SM, but from what you say it sounds like you're right - he's trying to keep you out of his online profile. Could understand it if he's not very active, and not posting selfies etc. But that he's just avoiding posting anything with you in the frame.

As you've ruled out him trying to keep your relationship quiet from an ex, and your in his real life (family and friends etc), then it does seem most likely that he's trying to portray himself as single for the benefit of his SM followers (probably someone that he fancies).

I'm not sure how you should raise it with him though - it's very easy for him to deny it, and very difficult for you to prove. Only thing I can think of is to keep trying to push him into posting photo's of you together, and then when he refuses corner him and ask why not.

Does he have his relationship status public on fb? If so, is it showing as single or in a relationship (or in a relationship with you)? My partner still has their relationship status set to publicly single after 2 years together. Mine is set to completely private, but then I almost never use sm myself.

Is he hiding something?

Yes; you. What he's hiding, is his relationship with you.
Who he's hiding it from, is probably his wife or other GF.

Im a dinosaur when it comes to SM, but all this tiptoeing around, all this worry..... so much insecurity. You don't feel safe with him, @Malibu19880 - he is not prioritising you and he seems to be making you feel like someone who will do for now rather than the one he cherishes.

The whole relationship seems somehow lukewarm. Are you sure you want to move in with him? Is he keen? Don't get sucked into a long term relationship with this man unless you are absolutely sure. Especially if you are hoping for marriage and children. I can see you living with him for years and him stringing you along.