My BF won’t acknowledge me on social media. Is he hiding something?

[Malibu19880]

Just to be abundantly clear

I appreciate that not everyone uses social media/posts regularly/posts their relationships online. I fully understand that the posting of ones relationship is never a true reflection of what that relationship is actually like etc.

So with that out of the way…I have to be careful what I say because I don’t want to out myself.

Basically I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years however there is no trace of me on any of his social media. Again, just to be clear, I don’t expect public declarations of love and constant couples photos/posts on birthdays anniversaries etc as I am not that type of person anyway and that’s not what I’m asking for…but he regularly uses social media, both Facebook and Instagram, and from looking at them you would never even know I existed.

There was one photo of us from a post that I posted a few months ago which he was tagged in…he recently removed this from his profile. It’s been up there for months…why suddenly now remove it? This isn’t the only odd thing he’s done…turn comments off in Instagram posts…will never even open Instagram when he’s around me.

I know people are going to say social media doesn’t matter, our relationship in real life matters which I understand but my previous relationship was incredibly emotionally abusive. I spent years ignoring all the red flags and silencing my intuition so I am really struggling with this because something feels off.

The not actively posting me I can understand but to go out of his way to remove photos/any kind of reference to me from his profile…not even open his Instagram when I’m around…something isn’t right?

I have spoken to him before about how it makes me feel…like he’s ashamed of me or that he has something to hide but he just seems to brush off what I say or make me feel like I’m being unreasonable so I don’t know what to do anymore!

@altmember

I'm not one to be bothered about SM, but from what you say it sounds like you're right - he's trying to keep you out of his online profile. Could understand it if he's not very active, and not posting selfies etc. But that he's just avoiding posting anything with you in the frame.

As you've ruled out him trying to keep your relationship quiet from an ex, and your in his real life (family and friends etc), then it does seem most likely that he's trying to portray himself as single for the benefit of his SM followers (probably someone that he fancies).

I'm not sure how you should raise it with him though - it's very easy for him to deny it, and very difficult for you to prove. Only thing I can think of is to keep trying to push him into posting photo's of you together, and then when he refuses corner him and ask why not.

Does he have his relationship status public on fb? If so, is it showing as single or in a relationship (or in a relationship with you)? My partner still has their relationship status set to publicly single after 2 years together. Mine is set to completely private, but then I almost never use sm myself.

Both of us have our relationship status hidden, that’s not something that has ever bothered me or made me feel like I’ve needed to raise it with him because I don’t have mine on my profile…

But yes you’re right this is why I’m in such a dilemma, there’s no proof or anything it’s just my suspicions against his words.

I will confront him anyway and see what he has to say for himself and take it from there

@FlowerArranger

Im a dinosaur when it comes to SM, but all this tiptoeing around, all this worry..... so much insecurity. You don't feel safe with him, *@Malibu19880* - he is not prioritising you and he seems to be making you feel like someone who will do for now rather than the one he cherishes.

The whole relationship seems somehow lukewarm. Are you sure you want to move in with him? Is he keen? Don't get sucked into a long term relationship with this man unless you are absolutely sure. Especially if you are hoping for marriage and children. I can see you living with him for years and him stringing you along.

I am very insecure. I was very broken after the emotionally abusive relationship I was in. I had a breakdown and developed cptsd. I am in therapy. I’m working very hard on myself. Regaining my voice, my boundaries…

He knew about my past relationship…how bad it was and how ill it left me and he has been pretty supportive of my mental health struggles.

I did want to move in with him, he has been just as keen on the idea of living together. But obviously with this hanging over us that feeling has definitely gone. I don’t want to be living with a man that hides his phone from me. Especially as I’m so open with mine.

This is not cool OP. He is up to no good or at least wants to present as single. My partner doesn’t have Facebook and only uses Instagram for nature photography so there’s only one photo on there of me, and he isn’t the type to post couple selfies etc… but he regularly gets tagged in photos by me and would never UNTAG himself. That’s seriously dodgy.

Don’t waste anymore years of your life with him OP, he isn’t a keeper.

he recently removed this from his profile. It’s been up there for months…why suddenly now remove it?

He's almost certainly fucking around or looking to. I think you know this already though.

He knew about my past relationship…how bad it was and how ill it left me

Awful as it is some people just don't give two shits about that when having their ego stroked and sleeping around is their priority in life.

Your intuition is screaming at you, listen to it. I certainly wouldn't move in with him and if you're looking for a committed life partner, this isn't it.

Listen to your gut.

Don't move in with him.

Don't continue a relationship with someone who calls you crazy.

He sounds completely off.

Just a little bit of a diff perspective- my DP uses social media (mostly for music stuff he does) and makes a point not to post anything about me or his personal life. He says he doesn’t want the info out there. I tag him in stuff and he doesn’t mind it’s just he doesn’t want it on his. Nothing dodgy just some people like to keep their info more private maybe ?

Honestly this is odd

I don’t use social media at all but I’m still visible on my husbands. If anything more than I would like but if he’s posting photos of us having fun I’m not going to get arsey!

Do you really want an online recluse as a boyfriend?

Do you comment on his posts? I'd do that, a lot, in a way that makes it obvious you were with him and are together. See what the reaction is.

I think there's a worse possible scenario unfortunately - you could be an unwitting ow yourself

How did you meet? Have you met his friends? His family?

How does he know your sister just through you?

Doesn't have any female friends or anything, has only had one serious relationship other than me

Do you know this as verified fact or just from what HE has told/shown you?

If the "hermit" thing is cos he doesn't like going out anywhere public...another possible indicator you are ow

could bump into people he knows all the time so it’s not that.

Unless he knows that the people he knows in that area never/rarely go to those places?

Something whiffs!

Another slightly less worrying possibility is toxic parents who for whatever reason wouldn't "approve" of your relationship

A more worrying possibility is a "love rat" con man scenario (where they tend to have 3 on the hook at once - last one, you, next one)

I wouldn't be happy with such behaviour

@RantyAunty

He lives in another city. He pretty much don't exist when it comes to his social media. Comments turned off Will never open an insta around you.

He's clearly either with someone else or has his eye on someone else.

Does he ever like or comment on any of your sm?

Is there any one girl who always likes his pics or that he likes theirs?

Sorry OP but I agree. Clearly he is not very into you and you may be one of many girlfriends he has.

I think you need to end it and move on

Omg I’m an online recluse 🙈

He wants to appear single on SM. It is as simple as that.

I know a man who cheats on his long term girlfriend all the time. They have three DC and have been together 18 years. There is not a sniff of ANY of his family anywhere on his SM.

You deserve a partner who can't wait to let the world know he is with you. If you confront him he will just tell you you're insecure, worrying about nothing etc. etc. Just dump him instead.

I really disliked it when my husband unilaterally changed his status to married to me so that mine changed too. It wasn't that I was ashamed of having married him or wanted to cheat, it was that SM was a space that was mine in a life that had few spaces in it. I don't think it screamed 'brilliant healthy relationship' but it wasn't sinister either. So I would say he's holding back a bit and I would look to have some time together and see how you are as a couple.

An ex of mine that I didn’t live with did this, it took me a while to realise…until one evening I borrowed his laptop to look up something for his son and closed the tab after…he was sex-messaging with a woman he’d known in college years before who was on his social media though they hasn’t seen each other for years and it all made sense. I felt so hurt; such a fool. He had a real me, and threw us away for nothing. I sincerely hope you don’t have this kind of experience but I’d be extremely wary.
(My DH put us everywhere as soon as we met, he was, and still is, so proud of “us” bless him. I’ve never had to worry about him.)

Red flag big time, sounds like you know that though.

I would suspect foul play with that behaviour

He’s maintained friendships with women, he met on dating apps and wants them to think he’s available. This man is not a keeper op. Have you heard of the sunk cost fallacy?

I don't use sm at all but does he have it down that he is in a relationship on his facebook? Anyone can be the type and anyone is capable of deceiving and doing anything. You need to sit down with him and talk to him calmly and ask him about the photo etc. He may not be doing anything wrong but why does he hide his sm when you are around if he has nothing to hide. Shocking that so many spend so much time online chatting to women they never met and getting some thrill out of it when they have a real life girlfriend partner etc. Your gut is telling you something is not right and him telling you that you are crazy would be worrying me as he is putting it back onto you. Hope you get things sorted out but you need to be direct to him and if he has nothing to hide he can show you.

Please do not move in with anybody now as you need to be strong in yourself as all this worrying will make you ill again and you have to be your first priority. He should not be calling you crazy especially after all you have been through with your ex..Listen to the good advise on here and think is this the life you want constantly worrying as it should not be so hard.

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

Do you really want an online recluse as a boyfriend?

This did make me grin. Who knew being an online butterfly was a relationship requirement these days.

Trust your gut OP.

Also he’s NOT an online recluse.
MY Dp is and he never posts anyway.
If your BF does he isn’t anti SM

Thank you for all your comments I hear what everyone is saying.

My ex was so abusive that I always kept my mouth closed and never stood up for myself or told him how I felt out of fear. I have worked REALLY hard on this because I know in a healthy relationship you should absolutely be able to talk to your partner about anything, and when they behave in a way that hurts you…you should be able to talk to them about it without them flying off the handle…them turning it back on you or them
threatening you with a break up etc (all the things my ex used to do to keep me in check)

So I calmly asked him last night why he removed the post. He said because he didn’t like the photo of himself. I said to him how it made me feel…how shady it makes him look.

He said he saw where I was coming from and understood and will put the photos back. He said he will post me.

I said to him that I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is proud of me and won’t hide me and he agreed and said he is.

I’ve woken up this morning and it still doesn’t feel right. As others have said he can post me and hide whoever from seeing the post if he wants to…it doesn’t feel resolved.

Got that voice in the back of my head still telling me I’m massively overreacting and being paranoid but then my belly is saying something isn’t right and he didn’t really give me any satisfactory answers to anything.

If the roles were reversed and he accused me of hiding him or being shady and saying it hurt him I’d be mortified and trying to reassure him and explain myself so that he felt secure…