Dating thread 215 we are over here!!!

[BelladiMamma]

Ok folks new thread, hopefully everyone will find is!!

Agree with @JustAnother0ldMan that the 6ft 21yo sounds like bollocks, but even if it's not it's an icky thing to bring up with a match.
Glad to hear the date zero went well @SpringlikeBunk, is it dinner with Mr hedgehog tonight?
Happy holiday @BelladiMamma!
Struggling to keep up a bit but agree with the companionship aspect of a relationship and to me its that it is a different type of relationship than any other; sibling, friend, parent. You choose to be together and stay together.

Hi, I don’t post here as often as I used too, things have been quiet over the summer but the apps seem to have picked up a little (cuffing season?) 🤣.

I seem to be in a bit of a pickle and have had 2 guys tell me they love me in the last week (I’m not bragging), both I have known for over a year, both I have slept with but we decided to ‘just be friends’ last year. One has too much baggage for me but we meet up once a month to go for a walk and a coffee, the other I didn’t meet through online dating, he is lovely but I don’t find him physically attractive, I knew he had a crush on me and he has been pretty open with me but last night he said he thinks he’s falling in love with me which took me by surprise. My heads now a total mess as I don’t want to lose either of them as friends.

I have several irons on POF but haven’t met any of them yet, one is painfully shy so I’m not sure if we will ever meet without him getting the wobbles, one is much younger than me, pretty hot and probably out of my league and the other probably lives too far away but shares several interests with me including my favourite band and one of my hobbies.

I really want to date some different people to distract me from the 2 friends that are declaring love for me 🤣. I’m not sure I even want a longterm relationship just casual dating and sex would be ideal right now. I’m in a awkward place in my life where things are changing with work, kids and a possible move next year so it would be hard to hold down a relationship.

@Lovemusic33

Hi, I don’t post here as often as I used too, things have been quiet over the summer but the apps seem to have picked up a little (cuffing season?) 🤣.

I seem to be in a bit of a pickle and have had 2 guys tell me they love me in the last week (I’m not bragging), both I have known for over a year, both I have slept with but we decided to ‘just be friends’ last year. One has too much baggage for me but we meet up once a month to go for a walk and a coffee, the other I didn’t meet through online dating, he is lovely but I don’t find him physically attractive, I knew he had a crush on me and he has been pretty open with me but last night he said he thinks he’s falling in love with me which took me by surprise. My heads now a total mess as I don’t want to lose either of them as friends.

I have several irons on POF but haven’t met any of them yet, one is painfully shy so I’m not sure if we will ever meet without him getting the wobbles, one is much younger than me, pretty hot and probably out of my league and the other probably lives too far away but shares several interests with me including my favourite band and one of my hobbies.

I really want to date some different people to distract me from the 2 friends that are declaring love for me 🤣. I’m not sure I even want a longterm relationship just casual dating and sex would be ideal right now. I’m in a awkward place in my life where things are changing with work, kids and a possible move next year so it would be hard to hold down a relationship.

Oh no how awkward!!

I'm assuming both these guys are friends rather than intimate partners, so you're not having sex with them? If that's the case it seems a bit OTT on their part and they're potentially feeling lonely and projecting on to you without taking the time to find out if you'd like to be in a relationship with them?

But even if you are FWB etc and they've not checked in with where you think this is heading, it's still time to explain to them what you've said here, that you're not looking for a committed relationship due to all the reasons you listed.

Good luck with navigating this and keeping them as friends. Awkward as hell!!

I get the comments about DIY etc, but I have never found that knowing difference between a trowel and float makes me as mysterious as Mr Darcy or as exciting as James Dean.

A perfect example of the companion aspect missing when you're single. I woke up in the middle of the night with really bad stomach ache (felt like I was being stabbed, I woke up crying) so got up to take painkillers, went back to bed and had the most vivid dream and woke up feeling really sad, rolled over and all I've got is the cat wanting breakfast. It's times like that I wish there was someone on the other side of the bed, what I would give to have had someone Mr Cricket😬 to snuggle up to this morning(Mr Cricket does give good hugs so I can imagine he is perfect to snuggle up to). On paper I'm successful and have a great life, I have a good job, my own place, great friends but as @Shayelle2009 said you don't get things like that from a job or house.

@JustAnother0ldMan

I get the comments about DIY etc, but I have never found that knowing difference between a trowel and float makes me as mysterious as Mr Darcy or as exciting as James Dean.

The DIY was a derail really. I've mostly had boyfriends who didn't do it, so it's not that which attracted me to them.

But it's just one example of stuff you have to deal with on your own. I had a leaking sink last week, eventually got a plumber to come out, he couldn't fix it so isolated it, needs a part, said he'd be back this week and I've not heard from him. So no bathroom sink for over a week so far. At least it's only me it's inconveniencing, but it would be nice to have someone who could help out with stuff like that.

@Isitreallyme177
Have you had a COVID test recently ?, I only reason I ask is that a few weeks back I felt a bit rough a d tested + with one of those Boots kits, it may have been a coincidence, but I had stomach problems and two bobs for about a week and was going to bed with a hot water bottle.

I've got thirteen connections on Feeld, only been on it just over a week and I've dumped about four as well (too young, too pushy etc).

I get a lot on Tinder too - matches, not just the elusive "likes" you can never see.

Part of this is because I right swipe on quite a few people because I tend to think you can't tell by looking at someone what they are like, whether you'll fancy them etc.

But then, in my walking group there have been three men who've made a play for me. And then the gardener who asked me out as well.

So why can I not ever accept that sometimes men fancy and/or like me?

I know it's me, not them. But I always think men are just looking for someone to shag and anyone will do. Academically I know this isn't true. And I really need to get over it!

@VanGoghsDog

I've got thirteen connections on Feeld, only been on it just over a week and I've dumped about four as well (too young, too pushy etc).

I get a lot on Tinder too - matches, not just the elusive "likes" you can never see.

Part of this is because I right swipe on quite a few people because I tend to think you can't tell by looking at someone what they are like, whether you'll fancy them etc.

But then, in my walking group there have been three men who've made a play for me. And then the gardener who asked me out as well.

So why can I not ever accept that sometimes men fancy and/or like me?

I know it's me, not them. But I always think men are just looking for someone to shag and anyone will do. Academically I know this isn't true. And I really need to get over it!

I'm similar to you, I get asked out/flirted with a lot. But not from the ones I actually fancy or would like to know better. When is random (eg I haven't been flirting or even had much of a conversation with a bloke) then I just assume I'm just a single woman over 40 so they think I must be desperate/gagging for it. (I am, but I'm only interested in sex with someone I have an attraction or connection with so I'm stuffed!)

@VanGoghsDog

I've got thirteen connections on Feeld, only been on it just over a week and I've dumped about four as well (too young, too pushy etc).

I get a lot on Tinder too - matches, not just the elusive "likes" you can never see.

Part of this is because I right swipe on quite a few people because I tend to think you can't tell by looking at someone what they are like, whether you'll fancy them etc.

But then, in my walking group there have been three men who've made a play for me. And then the gardener who asked me out as well.

So why can I not ever accept that sometimes men fancy and/or like me?

I know it's me, not them. But I always think men are just looking for someone to shag and anyone will do. Academically I know this isn't true. And I really need to get over it!

I could have written that too. Even though I know men have feelings too and I tend to dump first, ask questions later. I am very wary of what people's motives are around me. Obviously this is based on fact and that not only my exh but also recent 'suitors' have been motivated by a combination of money and sex and general cock lodger activities.

I've noticed MrActor is getting more attentive since he saw photos of my house. Could be a coincidence. Might also be relief that I'm financially sorted so he doesn't need to worry about me looking for a new nest. I just don't know anymore.

@JustAnother0ldMan no test and I feel fine this morning. It was just so weird. It makes me wonder if it was muscle spasms.

I just assume I'm just a single woman over 40 so they think I must be desperate/gagging for it.

Yep, that's what I tend to think too - that they think I must be desperate and that they are doing me a favour. MrStone seems like a nice chap, but his "I'm very attracted to you" comment somehow made me feel like he felt that therefore I am compelled to reciprocate. But I don't feel any attraction to him. I like him and enjoy his company but that's not going to be enough for him before long.

I assume MrWG fancies me, but I'm not 100% sure. He's never said that. Surely men don't go to bed with women they don't fancy? It's hard with his submissive stuff, does he just feel he has to "serve" me? No idea. Makes me feel really insecure.

Last guy I properly dated started by being what I thought was just friends, then out of the blue asked me to go to bed with him. I was stunned. He was obviously way further along the line than I was. We did then have a relationship for a year (I did not take up his offer right then) but I could never move away from the feeling he was just interested in me for sex. But he said he had spent a year getting to know me so it wasn't just that. I hadn't even noticed he was doing that!

I've not really noticed men have cocklodger tendencies, but I'm really clear no-one is moving in with me.

Having said that, my most recent ltr - he could not have afforded a house post divorce without my (or someone's) input, I put down 50% of the cost of the house as deposit (obviously I protected my share etc). And the guy I lived with before that it was a similar situation, I could afford to buy but he couldn't and I put down a huge deposit that significantly reduced our mortgage and his costs (I had a deed of trust then too - didn't lose out with him but with the more recent guy I probably lost c£5k because he simply refused to buy me out at the value that was placed on the property, in the end I decided to cut my losses to get rid of him).

Hmmm.....I need some more self esteem building don't I?

Surely men don't go to bed with women they don't fancy?

I’m sure some men will, but generally not, but I find attraction has 2 sides, the physical side where you simply lust after someone, then the ‘person’ side where you like the entire person
Most men will have a physical, type they tend to gravitate towards, then ‘personal’, attribute comes into play
So you might physically be attracted to some Perfect boy / girl from love island, but that person might be totally vacuous or as thick as 2 short planks (or maybe not).
For example my ex partner was my physical’type’ ( curvey), and the sex was great, but outside the bedroom she could be pretty unpleasant, so in that way she wasn’t my type at all really 🤷🏼‍♂️

Are women the same?

Oh yes Computer Geek was my type (tall, athletic, looked after himself, dark hair) but looking back he was so self centred and vain and that is so unattractive.

I do like a man that is into his sport and the gym, looks after himself, takes pride in his appearance, dark hair. Mr Cricket is all of those but he has silver hair (he's a bit of a silver fox🙈) but unlike Computer Geek he isn't self-centred, it's not all about him. Personality counts for a lot. I do find I gravitate towards sporty men though (Computer Geek also played football).

But then I have a massive crush on Douglas Henshall (from the BBC Shetland series) and he is the opposite of what I would usually go for.

@JustAnother0ldMan you have described it really well, this is how it is too for me as a woman. I want to both find someone attractive (for me, dark hair, dad bod) but also like someone as a person (kind, thoughtful) before having a relationship with them. Though my type is not too set, guys often grow on me once I get chatting to them and it’s then that I find them attractive.

@JustAnother0ldMan

Surely men don't go to bed with women they don't fancy?

I’m sure some men will, but generally not, but I find attraction has 2 sides, the physical side where you simply lust after someone, then the ‘person’ side where you like the entire person
Most men will have a physical, type they tend to gravitate towards, then ‘personal’, attribute comes into play
So you might physically be attracted to some Perfect boy / girl from love island, but that person might be totally vacuous or as thick as 2 short planks (or maybe not).
For example my ex partner was my physical’type’ ( curvey), and the sex was great, but outside the bedroom she could be pretty unpleasant, so in that way she wasn’t my type at all really 🤷🏼‍♂️

Are women the same?

I'm only attracted to personality. I never look at a bloke and fancy them, I don't fancy men on TV (but sometimes fancy a character). This is why I swipe right so much because if I only swiped on those whose photos I fancied there'd be literally none.

I can tell if someone is objectively attractive. But doesn't do much for me directly.

I guess it's personality plus pheromones. Can't do anything about the latter.

But my point is more about do these men actually like me at all? And, since there seem to be quite a few, why can't I find one that actually suits me!?

BelladiMamma , they are both friends but I have slept with both of them in the past, the one that had baggage I dared and stupidly slept with before knowing about his baggage, the other I had a FWB relationship with which was fine until he started having feelings, I haven’t slept with him for ages because I could tell he was hoping for more. I have spoken to him this morning and tried to explain that I just like being friends, the sex was good but obviously I don’t want to continue with it if he’s got deeper feelings for me because I can’t offer him a relationship. Both of them are totally besotted with me, one keeps saying he’s found the prefect women and has come off all apps, I have told him many times it’s never going to happen but he just sulks for a day and then he’s back to telling me how wonderful I am 😬, I don’t want to lose his friendship but it’s getting to the point where I might have to break ties.

As for those talking about “only being able to sleep with someone your attracted too” for me I can sleep with someone I’m not that attracted too (kind of) 😬 and I’m sure many men sleep with women they are not that attracted too especially if they have been single for a while.

Hope you feel a bit better now @Isitreallyme177. If you don't then there’s something in the air as I feel really low today. 😔

@Isitreallyme177 i do hope you are feeling better today! I'm feeling fairly spacey actually.

Given that i go for big fat trucker men i never have any competition from any of my friends! But i definitely need a connection to be able to sleep with someone their character and also almost more imporantly their sense of humour is so important to me. I like to be able to have deep/meaningful conversations but at the same time i just don't take life/myself seriously so tend to clash with people who are really intense.

@Shayelle2009 I hope you feel a bit brighter soon. I've just been out for a walk and it's lovely to have the sun on my face after the last week of gloomy weather even if it's bloody cold.

@Naimee87 I hope you are feeling okay? I'm feeling better now I've been out, working from home is great but I do end up just sitting at my desk all day. It's why I like it when Mr Cricket wants to go for coffee as I actually leave the house 🤣.

Currently on a 3hour call (series of team presentations) spacey feeling is still here and cannot wait to get out into the fresh air!

Second attempt at date zero with Mr Gardener has also failed. It made sense that he didn't want to walk on the beach in the pissing rain, but it is now stunning - crisp clear blue sky with little fluffy clouds. We were meeting after work but he's just messaged to say he has no energy and is going home. No suggestion of anything else so that's a definite write-off. Not going to waste energy wondering why he lost interest, I'll just move on. I don't need flaky flakery from a flaky flake.

Are you ok @Naimee87? Hope youre not coming down with something. Its a really lovely day outside. I’ve only really felt better since I decided to paint my cat who’s curled up next to me. I’m pleased with the little painting ☺️

Pffffft @WeWantTheFinestWines how irritating… timewaster.

@Naimee87 on a call for 3 hours 😫 I have two hour meetings and they are awful.