Dating thread 215 we are over here!!!

[BelladiMamma]

Ok folks new thread, hopefully everyone will find is!!

(I am aware that my "type" as in "instant attraction" - ie workaholic, slightly emotionally distant, manly "rough and ready" man isn't necessarily the best "longer term match" for me so am looking to adjust my picker a bit)

Yeah @SpringlikeBunk that makes sense re trying different kinds of people out. Fey is a great word, I think my guy would exemplify that too - he said people wonder whether he's on drugs as he seems a bit of a space cadet which I can totally see!

I agree giving it a few weeks can't do any harm. It might just be an interesting experience.Maybe you'll end up with someone somewhere in between the two!

My last few relationships (short and long) have definitely been with avoidant men - one a workaholic, and I managed to find three in a row that had never really had a long term relationship!! The last one I felt instant animal attraction to was bad news - totally lovebombed me for three months then started getting very wishy washy which really messed with my head. also a lot of guys I tend to go out with are practical types / engineers who are crap with expressing emotions whereas I'm an English grad whose love language is words!!!

I liked the sound of this guy as he's a lot more nurturing (I think) - managed a psychiatric ward for ten years and also has same MBTI as me (I know it's not a science but I do think I've never been out with anyone that's even close to his type - which is the same as mine!).

On the other hand, he said in his 30s he had a sudden flash of insight and since then has been walking around in the same state of enlightenment that people get when they do meditation. But all the time. Which apparently does happen to people, but still...unusual. He's also writing a music album which is a retelling of the holy grail. Just writing this makes me feel embarrassed!! (to be fair I do actually love medieval literature and I'm a bit of a hippy myself tho you'd never guess it)

Arf at feeling embarrassed @StartingAgain33

Yeh my date zero just had these little "cringe" moments where I was internally going "nnnnnnoooooooooooo" (whilst nodding politely of course).

And just some of the stuff he was saying I felt my "inner judgemental" person getting annoyed.

Also I don't want to "give someone a chance" who I'm cringing at as I did too much of that when struggling with my self esteem!

But on the other hand, he was a great date, paid, on time, confirmed, good manners, things in common, he's not a "workaholic overachiever BUT has a good standard IT job which is flexible so is quite "available"....

And he looks fine so..."who knows"?

Hahaha that's funny @SpringlikeBunk. On mine I kept imagining being on First Dates and the camera zooming in on my face, which was straining to look open and welcoming as I asked him what he meant by enlightement. I think my eyes gave away a little shock as the inner judgemental person thought, WTF?

@Eesha how refreshing to hear of a guy doing that, being up front like that. Also nice to hear that a guy is looking for more of a connection than just sex.
@SpringlikeBunk you must have got a little feeling of excitement getting that dinner invitation! 🦔
Ahhh all the scorpios on here! I’m taurus so we get on well! I love knowing what star signs people are I’m really into spiritual stuff.
@Isitreallyme177 hope your pals pull their fingers out and get partying!

@Shayelle2009

Yes and no - tbh I'm at the "X-Files" stage of dating apps now - "Trust no-one"

So I've replied back positively (no reply but we haven't been contacting a lot anyway) and will see what pans out.

I'd kind of prefer to book a place and have a formal date-date structure.

I've found that so many of these "nice early connections" fizzle out (for whatever reason) that until there's a decent bit of established FTF dating I don't believe in anything really!

On paper MrHedgehog is a good potential first date so I don't think he'll have issues meeting people and I'm cute but there's lots of cute available women!

So keeping it "numbers game" for now and not closing down other options. Came off Bumble this morning and have 4-5 chats/date zeros so that seems Ok for now.

Quick update from me. Had a chat with Ms DualFudge this morning and it was pretty positive. The availability thing is an issue but we'll keep an eye on it. :-) I think shes' just relatively straightforward, isn't really fussed about OLD and doesn't have any more than a standard set of baggage. How will I get used to that?

@StartingAgain33 - "in a state of enlightenment" would be an amber flag for me. Don't these things take years of hard meditation graft to achieve? I have a friend who has been enlightened, has come upon a truth that the rest of us are not able to see. Conspiracy theorist.

Yeah @RayoftheTriffids I agree. He said he had spells of it when he was a kid also but then this thing happened in his 30s. Apparently that happened to Ekhart Tolle also? He doesn't seem to be a conspiracy theorist, he actually told a story of a flatmate who drove him up the wall with hers, but he's definitely 'out there' for sure. He also used the term 'consensus reality'.

@SpringlikeBunk how long’s he been on the apps for? Do you know? How long’s he been single etc?

@RayoftheTriffids that sounds like a good convo :) What do you mean she isn't fussed about online dating?

@Shayelle2009

Not really sure tbh - I kind of raised the "how are you finding the whole dating process etc" at our drink and he said something like he didn't really meet many people and tried to be selective (which of course could be a standard flattery line so it says nothing really?).

Mentioned having to sell a house with a ex long-term partner (not sure if this has gone through or not though he did briefly mention she was similar to me in terms of work stage) , no children, and he made professor young (he's a few years younger than me) so has clearly been a bit of a workaholic.

Suggested dinner that night but I was tired so didn't continue.

We had a cuddly thing but not a kiss it was nice.

It's always a bit of a "love-hate" thing with finding out information - I kind of prefer to get to know people just naturally else my over-analysis mind (plus the potential to find out more online and with WhatsApp etc) goes into overdrive!

So once I've identified that they're traceable/are who they say they are I try to just let them tell me stuff at their own pace.

@StartingAgain33 - Interesting. I had that consensus reality feeling myself once when I took some acid (student days). I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to feel like that all the time. Good news about the conspriacy theories! Bit of a hippy myself but am very cynical about the wellness industry. I know nothing about Eckhart Tolle and hope is enlightenment is not a career move!

@springlikebunk that all sounds really positive! Well done with not letting yourself get persuaded into dinner - sounds like you're being quite measured about the whole thing. I probs would have said yes even though I felt tired and then felt a bit annoyed with myself.

[quote Eesha]@VanGoghsDog there definitely wasn't a connection other than with the sex but I was of the view that it was better than nothing and was fun! However i was missing all the conversations and fun non sex stuff and I never even thought about him at all. It definitely was one for right now rather than forever.[/quote]
Fair enough - you do need a deeper connection, otherwise what happens when the sex wears off!?

@StartingAgain33 - Hmm, i mean she doesn't have much to say about it. Said she's been on a few dates and shrugged her shoulders saying 'it was alright"

Yeh @StartingAgain33 I've definitely found with the "mega-intimate perfect date zeros" it's too much connection too quickly

And then it's the burnout afterwards if you're not in touch again?

So trying to keep the date zeros short and sweet

MrWhatsApp has tentatively booked me in for a night out first day he's off his exercise so I might let that be a proper night out but lets see (might be away then myself)

Ooh exciting.

MrWhatsApp asked if I liked the photo he sent (I'm on a brick so it just doesn't get through hahahha).

Not sure what it is of.

If it's a dick pic that's one off my list, man down.

@VanGoghsDog yes he's lovely but language was also an issue. Definitely taught me what I like and miss.

I know what you mean @SpringlikeBunk you don’t want to interrogate but you need the basic facts don’t you. You don’t want to hear he’s just walked out on a heartbroken LTR or something like that. It’s tricky getting the balance right of piecing things together, not being too heavy or intense, sussing them out, watching out for red flags, trying to feel if they’re a bullshitter or not whilst all the time keeping a calm head and if you like them not getting over invested but also trying to be chill and not to be scared of getting hurt.

ARGH it’s a total minefield!

hahaha @Shayelle2009 that sums it up very nicely!! also in my case 'will you want kids in the next 2 to 3 years' is the kind of bombshell I have no idea when to drop in amongst all that....

I feel like there should just be some sort of form you will in in great detail before meeting for a date?? then you can just concentrate on chatting about whatever comes to mind instead of trying to find out all the big stuff so you don't waste too much time!

Oh yeah the kids one 🤣 that’s one I struggle with too. Usually try and find out asap as if they say they do then there’s no point chatting anymore basically!

Oh absolutely that @Shayelle2009 and @StartingAgain33

Plus people often lie or say what they want the other to hear in terms of goals, or of course they will "undersell" the number of dates or apps they've been on?

I'm always a bit cynical when I hear someone says "oh this new match or contact says X or Y or looking for love or not dating or hates the apps" as it really is meaningless outside of FTF contact.

WhatsApp "chat" seems such low-value information as a source.

I'm "lucky" at the moment in that I've genuinely got new career challenges and goals myself to tackle so I'm not stressing over one guy in particular, just going to see how it pans out. Happy to take time and be back on the apps for Xmas cuffing!

MrWhatsApp did not tell me the content of the photo (could have been a penis, could have been a cake, could have been a teddy) but has suggested a call tonight.

MrFey has agreed to a quick drink tonight.

It's also tough with hearing about past relationship situations as everyone responds differently?

I appear quite soft IRL but do think I have quite a pragmatic/"onwards and upwards" attitude to relationship detachment and try to see dating as "something in my life but not the most important thing".

MrHedgehog wasn't crying into his pint over his ex and hardly spoke about her overall (the house sale was in the context of something else) so I'll just let that come out or not come out as it will.

Yeah, the bloke I've seen a couple of times have asked me why things have ended about a 3 month thing that just wasn't significant me and the reasons are always so difficult to explain accurately I just said we were 'incompatible' - i think we wanted more detail but didn't feel I wanted to get into it.

@Shayelle2009 I think at 43 most men assume I don't want kids. When I get asked if I wanted kids I always say yes but they never happened. Doesn't mean I'm not open to the idea but at my age the chances are getting slimmer by the day (unlike me lol). I seem to somehow avoid men without kids though so it never gets brought up.