If men are not getting enough sex at home ...

[Squaddielife]

They will get it elsewhere!?

Overheard a group of men debating his topic of conversation today and I was shocked at how entitled they all sounded. Very matter of fact. Some mention of hook up sites to fulfill needs when not being met at home!

Is this the general consensus? Is there some ground to this that basically if we're not satisfying the sex drive of our men then don't be surprised if they play away? Or is it part of the script that men use when found out to be cheating?

They can look as hard as they like
They don’t always get it though
As evidenced by my few months on tinder

And yes I’m sorry but I forgot what horn dogs men are

@TempTempThrowaway

It suggests to me that you know he would say no to an open relationship.

Well yes, I know he doesn't - I already said that in my post: "But we hit an impasse: neither of us want to split, DH didn't want to open up the marriage."

We've discussed it, he said no. Hence leaving me with the options I listed.

But if you love him and know he doesn't want an open relationship then surely leaving him is better than spending the rest of your life lying to him?

I think you could drive yourself bonkers and really take a whack to your self esteem if you had to live with the guilt of lying to someone you say you love.

I appreciate you are torn but I think it would cause far more problems than it would solve.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

They can look as hard as they like They don’t always get it though As evidenced by my few months on tinder

And yes I’m sorry but I forgot what horn dogs men are

Yeah sooooooo many blatantly married guys on tinder looking for "discreet fun" - lol.

Pathetic if you ask me.

I don't think it's true that all men would play away if they weren't getting the sex they wanted at home, but if your partner has expressed to you that they would like more sex and you've not put any effort into it at all they are likely very unhappy. Once a month/2 weeks is not enough of a sex life for alot of people and can absolutely crush a person's self esteem and self confidence. For many people, without sex they do not feel a closeness with their partner.
I don't think that having a poor sex life at home means a partner is guaranteed to look elsewhere, but it has got to be the most common reason people have their head turned.

This applies to women or men though really.

@Nsky

Frankly I’m horrified and annoyed women ( so many); go off sex, only rarely has it happened to me

Catching up so don't know if anyone else responded to this.

Horrified and annoyed? By women going off sex?

Even if they have gone if it due to-

• Pregnancy later stages not unusual/ hormonal changes reducing or removing sex drive. First trimester can get bad morning sickness hardly able to eat, constantly nauseous or vomiting.

• Childbirth healing / physical damage / trauma.

• BF well known for killing sex drive.

• Menopause.

• Consequence of events eg bereavement, depression, many ADs cause loss of desire, illness, surgery/ recovery, gynae conditions that cause pain etc, being victim of sexually motivated actions/ crimes by a man or men.

• That's the ones that came to mind probably more.

Your comment was that women going off sex makes you my horrified and annoyed. Always? No matter the reason?

And why would women you don't know going off sex horrify you? You get annoyed? That's incredibly strange. Genuinely a bizarre comment.

Not often i don't get a comment at all! Even if I disagree I can see the motivation for the post, why written.

In this case. Just. Eh??!!

A few random points that popped into mind catching up on thread.

1. Men are not all the same. Women are not all the same. I find it interesting that it's the same posters often who will be on a thread about violence against women etc. Saying NAMALT it's not fair you're manhaters.

Who pop up on threads like this insisting all men are the same. Constantly horny, the myriad of things that make a good relationship are irrelevant to them all when it comes to wanting a shag off they go. Always.

1. I have read a few studies that looked at men who pay for sex, many/most are in relationships with active sex life.

1. The ongoing efforts to normalise various forms of male sexual 'entertainment' has changed a lot in a relatively short time.

30 years ago in this country watching porn, going to a strip club, paying for sex was seen variously as. Pathetic, desperate, done by weirdos, grim, horrible. Now it's yay! And the efforts to make women and girls see it as the norm. Any thread about men paying for women to do something sexual, or watching nasty porn, or wanting things in bed that the woman really doesn't want. All men do it, you're naive, don't be a prude, does no harm, you're boring, don't kink shame etc. Not at all good IMO.

1. Many men do this and their partners have no idea. Not v paying for sex. But saying working late. Missed last train etc. Pub then the chaps head off to a strip club. Why not? Normal now.

Not all. Some won't. Some go only because expected. All have lovely partners nice lives lovely kids etc. That's the entitlement part.

@Nsky

Frankly I’m horrified and annoyed women ( so many); go off sex, only rarely has it happened to me

The STAGGERING entitlement of this. Makes my skin crawl.

From the wording I took that poster to be female.

If male I understand where that comment came from.

A woman though?

I mean I naturally assumed it was a bloke at first but wording suggests not. I cannot begin to understand why a woman would say that.

@NiceGerbil. I totally agree with your post - also where has romance gone In regards to sex? I kid you not on my first ever proper date when I was 15 - the lad turned up with a massive box of chocolates and a large bunch of flowers and there was no question any sex would be on offer. Now I know times have changed but an awful lot of men expect women to be ‘up for it’ with no romance lead up At all and I think porn has a part to play in that too . I don’t think many women who endorse their partners watching this stuff realise exactly how many adverts for prostitutes and live webcam services they get shoved in their face , constant nude pic pop ups of xxxx is 2 miles away - etc, etc . I actually find all this sex service offering more offensive than the porn clips.

There are a lot of facets to a good relationship, think how it must make people who have difficulty having any kind of a sexual relationship due to physical issues when people on here say their relationship has no value anymore and their partner is fully entitled to vote with his feet if he isn’t getting sex.

@Joystir59

I think high male sex drive and sexual 'need' is a complete myth. Part of the patriarchal mindset

I wouldn't describe it as a 'need' but more an itch that needs to be scratched one way or another, although that clearly doesn't justify cheating.

I was thinking whether I've had ever had conversations similar to that overheard by the OP.

Probably a few- not many, where I think there would be consensus that if sex in a relationship had stopped, it wouldn't be surprising if the man had gone elsewhere. I don't think that's a very controversial thing to say tbh, and it also applies to women. It's nothing more than an indicator that all in the relationship is not well.

What I definitely haven't been part of is a conversation where there is consensus that a man is entitled to play away if he is not satisfied by the sex he's getting in his relationship. That's quite a different sort of proposition and the two shouldn't be elided.

I work in a big office and there are a few male colleagues who have a reputation for playing around. One at least blew up his marriage by being unfaithful but I haven't heard that the marriage was sexless - he was just out for as much as he could get. They have a their little chats among like-minded people, including some women, and the rest of us leave them to it. I really don't get the impression that many of the rest of the men approve of this sort of behaviour although they are more likely to crack a joke about it rather than get on the moral high horse.

I have often been in all-male conversations where someone makes a remark like 'men should get sex regardless'. Generally what follows is a short bout of cheery pisstaking directed at the person and the conversation goes elsewhere. A point worth noting is that the person's view is basically shut down but there's not an effort to persuade him otherwise.

Most married men I've chatted with or seen as a FWB moan about sex at home but not necessarily the lack of it. General consensus seems to be that it's got boring, the infamous "spark" has gone. They just want something new and exciting. Women do this too, myself included. In these cases it really wouldn't matter if the wife snagged him 10 times a day - she isn't new. Same story, almost every single time.

I'm not at all romantic, at least in a traditional way.

I will say though. That the vast vast majority of blokes I went to bed with (ONS or only couple times). Behaved more or less like they had unexpectedly hit the jackpot.

I'm also not saying that generally they couldn't be arseholes etc. Nor that they were all good in bed, not focused on self etc.

What didn't happen ever though was things I read so much on here and on news etc -

Saying anything negative about my body, grooming etc

Asking and pushing for anything really. And the things seemingly 'mainstream' now wouldn't have crossed their minds to suggest.

Doing anything unexpected. Randomly 'accidentally' trying to shove in wrong hole. Slapping spitting etc.

This is ONS or only s couple of times. Longer term obv things got more adventurous but it was two way experimentation.

As women have got more freedom, access to better jobs, loads more understanding and in press lots about DV, coercion, parity in free time and etc. Not for all obv but across the board way different to 70s 80s say. And parting arse saucy chat etc to us at work etc is not seen as ok now generally.

Porn has become more aggressive, unpleasant how the men treat the women.

I'm sure it's linked.

• should have said shagged not snagged hahaha

Another thing, these MM who appear honestly picture perfect on the outside... middle class, late 30s/early 40s, educated, married, nice house, nice car, the lot. They still risk it all, for a bit of excitement. Its mind blowing!

Nicegerbil,

I had a few hours to kill recently so I read through a dating thread on a male-dominated website. There were various interesting comparisons, but one of the most prominent was that men felt they'd hit the jackpot when they got laid - just like you say.

Also there wasn't any discussion of sex itself - there is way, way, way more detailed discussion on here.

@oakleaffy

A surprising amount of heterosexual married men have sex with men, according to a Gay male friend.

Maybe they feel it isn't ''Cheating''?

Yep!

An older guy I know is on 'fabswingers' and he gets a ton of married men wanting to have sex with him. He, himself, has a female partner & they swing together too. Quite often the guy of the couple will then contact him for a separate 'boys only' session. The bloke & the other blokes are all determined they're 'straight'. I sort of understand them saying that because they're not 'bi' in the sense they'd want to be in a relationship with another bloke, they just enjoy the sex 💁🏻‍♀️

Men with a partner always tell women they want to shag that their relationship is loveless/ sexless/ essentially over/ staying for kids/ she's insane/ etc etc

@Sonaftersonafterson

* should have said shagged not snagged hahaha

Another thing, these MM who appear honestly picture perfect on the outside... middle class, late 30s/early 40s, educated, married, nice house, nice car, the lot. They still risk it all, for a bit of excitement. Its mind blowing!

Interesting post. Really interesting that people risk so so much for a random shag!

They risk their family, kids, their marriage, finances, house, car and other material possession. They risk the respect of their friends, family and colleagues.

All for a shag...

Not usually.

Usually it's more than just a shag. IME.

I know plenty of people who've had affairs and well it's a mixed bag as to why. Excitement/ ego boost/ excitement of new/ first flush of new relationship/ drinks fun. Thrill of the illicit.

No day to day tedious, is it bins day, these socks are all odd, Tuesday means various kids to sports clubs, have you fed the cat.

Also mid life crisis is a thing and totally not just for men. At all.

In the end neither men nor women are all the same.

Both can have all sorts of things about them that mean they are more/ less likely to be unfaithful. IMO.

What happens though if sex is genuinely painful or difficult? I know more than one woman who has confided that menopause has completely ended their intimacy. Difficulties with the dreaded Vaginal Atrophy or perhaps a previous trauma/ bad experience. Sex isn't just for men but they don't get such physical difficulties. Often the way a man approaches/ initiates sex can be really off putting.

Well according to some.

Men are all the same.

Incapable of caring about anything apart from getting shags.
No sex for ?any amount of time they will all go elsewhere.
Even if they are 85.

And that's that.

Strangely I am sure I have seen on other threads saying it's wrong to tar all men with same brush when it comes to sexual assaults etc.

But when it comes to threads like this. They ARE in fact all the same.

So there you go.

Men & women looked for affairs , FWB, sex etc before the days of the Internet, nothing has changed.

The Internet has just made communication easier & sex more mainstream

I had a few hours to kill recently so I read through a dating thread on a male-dominated website.

What are these websites?
I only know reddit and the picture I got from men base on that was…..grimm.

I don't think Reddit is the best though for topics like this. It would be interesting to know what many men think, but from what I read on these boards sex drives are a varied thing for both men and women. I guess in any relationship communication is key.