If men are not getting enough sex at home ...

[Squaddielife]

They will get it elsewhere!?

Overheard a group of men debating his topic of conversation today and I was shocked at how entitled they all sounded. Very matter of fact. Some mention of hook up sites to fulfill needs when not being met at home!

Is this the general consensus? Is there some ground to this that basically if we're not satisfying the sex drive of our men then don't be surprised if they play away? Or is it part of the script that men use when found out to be cheating?

Not all men are like this. Just one the ones that are immature.

@Divebar2021 I thought someone might come along with that strawman. Obviously some women are unfaithful too. I was specifically talking about men as that's what the OP's example was about.

"To be perfectly honest, any time I've heard this said it's by young women unfortunately and I hope they don't truly believe it"

This.

And often those young women are the ones eyeing up the husbands-about-to-cheat-on-their-wives...
Who knows whether they believe it but irrespective it is a very convenient view to hold in those circumstances.

See, I totally get that if one partner decides that they no longer want to have sex with another then of course that partner has the right to vote with their feet. What they do NOT have is the right to fuck around on hook-up sites - that's just grim.

But that's not the question. The question is 'enough' sex. What's enough? In the context of a long-term relationship, especially a relationship with children involved, mis-matched sex drives are going to happen. They just are. Pregnancy, gynae issues, illness, death, the constant grind that children place on a relationship, money worries... I could list a million things. My DM died recently and I'm menopausal. I'm off sex. It's not something I'm particularly happy about, I know DH would like more sex, I'm doing my best to address the issues - but if I thought for one minute he was fucking around elsewhere then that would be the end of our marriage. It's 'enough' that's the issue.

And yy to the posters who have identified that a lot of the time this actually isn't about sex: it's about entitlement, doing something 'wrong' or 'dirty', secrecy, narcissism, power, control, ego - it's rarely 'just sex'.

@TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat

If I felt my sexual needs weren't being met by husband then I would talk to him about it, and I would expect him to do the same with me. That's what grown ups do.

Exactly. Sometimes it feels on here like sex is an obligation and if your OH isn't getting it or is not happy with it for whatever reason then you shouldn't be surprised when they shag someone else behind your back. Jesus Christ whatever happened to loving someone and talking to them and working it out. If my OH couldn't get it up I'd be getting out the box of toys and having him kiss and stroke me while using them on me - I have far higher needs/priorities in a relationship than cock.

altmember actually from my memories of university age, the people of both sexes who cheated were usually the ones having a lot of sex with their official girl/ boyfriend... People having less/ little sex in their relationship often wanted less/ had other priorities/ were mature enough to realise relationships don't stay in the brand new intoxicated phase forever etc.

I know less about the details of my friends and acquaintances love lives than I did in my late teens and early twenties, so I don't know whether that changes, but the impression I got was some people wanted a girlfriend but still didn't want to give up the adrenaline and the thrill of someone new - those people cheated. Others actually wanted to be in a relationship more than they wanted the adventure or ego boost or rush or whatever, and those people didn't.

What people say loudly enough to be overheard and to a group of mates is often about fitting in with the group/ strutting and actually nonsense - one to one conversations between friends have a higher chance of honestly...

I think a lot of you know some very selfish men. I was ill for many months when we were in our early 40's - cancer, surgery and chemo. I couldn't have got involved in sex - I'd have been vomiting (or sleeping) my way through it! My husband didn't play away; he nursed me lovingly and carefully all the way through the whole thing. We slept snuggled up so that if I needed him in the night he could help straightaway (I couldn't sit up, turn over or get out of bed without help).

Now it's my turn - he could no more manage sex than he could fly - he is very disabled. I don't mind not having sex. I love him, not just his dick and his ability to fuck me.

And selfish women. Leaving a relationship if there was no sex? Wow!

Frankly I’m horrified and annoyed women ( so many); go off sex, only rarely has it happened to me

I was having a conversation with female colleagues and the subject for some reason was sex and how often.
Two women both in their 50’s, and only a few years older than me, stated that they couldn’t be bothered with that anymore. Very definitely felt it was in their past.
I was shocked. Not because they didn’t want sex but because their decision was so unilateral.
Their dh’s wishes didn’t come into it.

Surely a partners decision to no longer have a sex life with their dp without any discussion is also entitled.

I think high male sex drive and sexual 'need' is a complete myth. Part of the patriarchal mindset

I was with my ex for 20 years, We had plenty of sex, at least 4/5 times per week, and I have always been one who loves to give bjs so that was never lacking either. He left me for someone else. I think its more a case of people do it because they can/its so easy these days to get sex, hook up sites have made it easy for someone that way inclined. My ex admitted I hadn't done anything wrong and it was just so easy for him to find a new person to have sex with that he couldn't resist.

Also, I had a quick look on fab during lockdown, First profile I clicked on said "can't wait until restrictions are lifted so I don't have to shag the wife anymore and can get back to all my lovely ladies on here"

Got a message last night from a married father of newborn twins who told me he was looking to cheat on his wife because she still isn't 'putting out' after giving birth three weeks ago, He was looking for someone to 'tide him over' until she can have sex with him again.

Will never have another relationship again personally.

@IWillFindYou wow, thanks for that, I was responding to a post specifically about relationships without sex, and why people may behave poorly in response.

I do think a healthy happy relationship includes a sexual component, my situation is one part of an emotionally abusive one, one of this parts was to have my partner tell me repeatedly that I wasn't attractive to him, that he didn't want me.

I'm going through a fairly recent 'separation' where he won't leave our home. So I'm forced to live with him, until he deems it a suitable time for him to find convenient.

You could maybe consider that everyone is having different experiences, and kindness is always best.

But yes I should continue to work on my self esteem, as after six years I'm trying very hard to recover myself with building my life, exercising, spending time with friends now lockdown has lifted just yesterday, made all the harder with someone who insisted on staying until it suits him.

Nsky is that a serious comment or an accidental display of staggering lack of self awareness? Either way why on earth would you be horrified and annoyed that women as a sex class - 50% of the population - can/ might/ always do in your experience go off sex (do you mean that the women you have relationships with go off sex once they get to know you, and this horrifies and annoys you, or are you feeling impersonal horror and annoyance at any woman who goes off sex, and if so why on earth?)?

Also, this is an issue for young girls who are finding out that their boyfriends are also using online sites to meet up only for sex. I keep hearing these girls stay with these men. Some are manipulating the girls into thinking is ok and does not mean anything. I guess if the girls were happy maybe ok but this is often not the case.

We need to educate our daughters. Self respect and standards.

Clearly not everyone does, but its common enough.
People often cheat even when they are getting plenty at home though. I think some people are just really bad at monogamy. I think that cheating is one of those things where there isnt actually much of a gender gap

@Effic

Almost every relationship starts with sex. Sexual attraction is the reason you are partners not friends. If one party decides that they aren’t interested any more then no I’m afraid you shouldn’t be surprised if the other looks elsewhere. Obviously it would be far better if the person left but the same could be said for the person who decided no more sex. If you no longer want sex with your partner, you change the rules and you should leave. No one should be forced celibate because of someone else decision. If sex is no longer possible - accident / injury - then that is different although the other party still has the right to walk away IMO but as the decision isn’t an active one it’s different. I can’t imagine a life with sex and would be off immediately if my partner suddenly decided he didn’t want to anymore.

Totally missing the point.

I’m not surprised that lot don’t get it at home. Bit chicken and egg.

That’s so grim. Relationships are about so much more than sex.

Yes, they are. Other things include intimacy, affection, feeling wanted for oneself...all of which can disappear when sex is withdrawn.

I'm in a sexless marriage, which has now lasted for years. I love my DH and for many reasons including health, family, finances, 90% of the relationship being fine, neither of us want to leave nor would it be easy to do so. But it is hard to live without sex, hard to lose that intimacy, and hard to feel rejected. That can chip away at the most robust and self-respecting person. There's nothing wrong in still wanting the man who pledged to worship or honour you with his body to find you desirable, at least occasionally and to be hurt when he doesn't.

I'm not cheating IRL, yet. But I am chatting to a guy and if we can make logistics work, we may well meet. He's in a similar situation; for the past 7 or 8 years he and his wife have had sex about once every six months at most, and I know this to be true as they've agreed an open marriage so I had the chance to speak to her to verify things early on. From what I can ascertain they have a similar-sounding relationship: everything is great out of bed...she's just lost interest in sex and after they've spent a few years trying and failing to rekindle the spark, is content to 'outsource' it to someone else. Since she told me the open marriage was her idea and that her DH hadn't done anything 'wrong' to turn her off sex, I can be confident that in this rare case he is not a narcissist or on a power/control/ego trip.

[quote beingsunny]@IWillFindYou wow, thanks for that, I was responding to a post specifically about relationships without sex, and why people may behave poorly in response.

I do think a healthy happy relationship includes a sexual component, my situation is one part of an emotionally abusive one, one of this parts was to have my partner tell me repeatedly that I wasn't attractive to him, that he didn't want me.

I'm going through a fairly recent 'separation' where he won't leave our home. So I'm forced to live with him, until he deems it a suitable time for him to find convenient.

You could maybe consider that everyone is having different experiences, and kindness is always best.

But yes I should continue to work on my self esteem, as after six years I'm trying very hard to recover myself with building my life, exercising, spending time with friends now lockdown has lifted just yesterday, made all the harder with someone who insisted on staying until it suits him.[/quote]
Hey, hey, hey now.
I put the heart because I liked what you wrote!
It was supportive.
I agree what you wrote.

@TempTempThrowaway

That’s so grim. Relationships are about so much more than sex.

Yes, they are. Other things include intimacy, affection, feeling wanted for oneself...all of which can disappear when sex is withdrawn.

I'm in a sexless marriage, which has now lasted for years. I love my DH and for many reasons including health, family, finances, 90% of the relationship being fine, neither of us want to leave nor would it be easy to do so. But it is hard to live without sex, hard to lose that intimacy, and hard to feel rejected. That can chip away at the most robust and self-respecting person. There's nothing wrong in still wanting the man who pledged to worship or honour you with his body to find you desirable, at least occasionally and to be hurt when he doesn't.

I'm not cheating IRL, yet. But I am chatting to a guy and if we can make logistics work, we may well meet. He's in a similar situation; for the past 7 or 8 years he and his wife have had sex about once every six months at most, and I know this to be true as they've agreed an open marriage so I had the chance to speak to her to verify things early on. From what I can ascertain they have a similar-sounding relationship: everything is great out of bed...she's just lost interest in sex and after they've spent a few years trying and failing to rekindle the spark, is content to 'outsource' it to someone else. Since she told me the open marriage was her idea and that her DH hadn't done anything 'wrong' to turn her off sex, I can be confident that in this rare case he is not a narcissist or on a power/control/ego trip.

Does your DH know though?

😂yes some will in fact in my experience a lot will
Doesn’t mean they aren’t getting sex at home but it could be that they aren’t getting the sex that they want at home so will look for it elsewhere
That’s why prostitution hook ups websites fab swingers and such stuff is available

"Effic

Almost every relationship starts with sex. Sexual attraction is the reason you are partners not friends"

I can imagine many (I want to say all but realise that will not be true) men take the above position - i.e. if there is no sex then there is nothing.

But I think the above is quite a superficial attitude. Yes many relationships are formed by the momentum of sexual attraction and the biological urge to continue the human race etc. But, however rare, it is still true that some relationships last way way longer than the procreation stage of a relationship and therefore, logically, way beyond what is many a couple's years of highest sex drive. What happens to those couples in the later years of life? Would the men who OP refers to cite their high sex drive when in their 70s 80s and 90s as a justification for dumping the wife because her sex drive is lower than it was in her 20s/before kids etc.

Saying "if there is no sex, there is no relationship" is quite superficial. What about other forms of intimacy? Maybe "other forms of intimacy" are not important to the men who are "not getting enough at home" and therefore are entitled to sleep around?

Realistically, yes if one partner is not getting what they want in a relationship they will look elsewhere. This is true for sex and other things.

I don't think people should act like that, but they do.

Vroom Vroom..Namalt Van approaching