If men are not getting enough sex at home ...

[Squaddielife]

They will get it elsewhere!?

Overheard a group of men debating his topic of conversation today and I was shocked at how entitled they all sounded. Very matter of fact. Some mention of hook up sites to fulfill needs when not being met at home!

Is this the general consensus? Is there some ground to this that basically if we're not satisfying the sex drive of our men then don't be surprised if they play away? Or is it part of the script that men use when found out to be cheating?

Can't tarnish all men with one brush..
Some men will some won't.
There's so much more to it !
We all have different morals.
This is way too stereotypical!!

A surprising amount of heterosexual married men have sex with men, according to a Gay male friend.

Maybe they feel it isn't ''Cheating''?

Of course it's grim,

But have you ever been in a relationship where your partner doesn't want to have sex with you any more?

It's horrendous, and yes of course there is more to a relationship than sex but, without it you are just friends, if you aren't too resentful at the continuing rejection.

If I felt my sexual needs weren't being met by husband then I would talk to him about it, and I would expect him to do the same with me. That's what grown ups do.

@Graphista

I've yet to come across in real life a man who has cheated who honestly WASN'T "getting it at home" inc my own ex

It's bullshit!

Same applies to the women I know who cheated

They CLAIMED their needs weren't being met at home when the affairs were discovered but NEVER said so to their partners/spouses and their partners/spouses said all was well in that area and usually others too (women cheats tend to claim their emotional needs aren't being met)

If there's a problem in your relationship then you raise it with your partner/spouse and work together to address it

If that doesn't work you leave

You don't stay silent but cheat!

This. It’s not about not getting sex at home. It’s about their very large sense of entitlement to do what they want, when they want it. Regardless of the vows they made to their wife / partner.

They want her to stay faithful while they can shag around whenever they feel like it.

And because it’s more fun to spend your evenings wining , dining and shagging OW than doing your share of childcare / housework at home.

I think some men do play away when they can't have sex at home, I don't mean for just a couple of refusals from their wife,or partner at home, but a longer period of time. But many women do this too.

IME men talk a lot of shit when with other men.

When this sort of thing is raised by (usually) one who is doing whatever or would like to, the others tend to join in whatever they think. If they think it's really awful they'll laugh make agreeing noises when suitable.

Men same as women are different. Some just wouldn't cheat, some would think about it if met someone, some just do it a lot.

Also not all men have high sex drives/ see sex as a massive priority. Same as women. Dunno about % etc but it's not a given that all men are getting a shag > family love etc etc. Not by a long way.

There's also the point that these things are too broad. All men.

Very elderly men?
Men who are going through medical stuff that interferes with sex drive/ or just makes them feel crappy?
Depression?

And then. There's the fact that for women things are up and down more than for men, esp have kids.

We have more issues with gynae stuff which can last, or may have surgery and have to recover.
Pregnancy and BF both can impact sex drive.
Childbirth needs to be recovered from. Sometimes quick. Sometimes esp if damage trauma could be a fair old while.
Menopause.
More?

A man who doesn't get a shag from eg 34 weeks and realises it's not going to happen for a while yet.
And so zooms out to get a shag elsewhere.

That's definitely not something most men would do.

Because most men aren't actually total areseholes. I say this as a feminist apparently of the crazed type

I also believe when their not being satisfied at home they will go elsewhere.

That's very vague ..

Age groups?
Time to go without?

ALL men??!

No one (men or women) has an affair because their domestic relationship is healthy. If a man (or woman) is getting enough sex at home they won't have the appetite to play away. Not endorsing it, just pointing out the cold hard reality.

Yes, the honest alternative would be to end the relationship, but then most partners don't want their other half to leave them either.

So all that leaves is staying in an unfulfilling relationship. And quite often when someone is faced with this scenario they withdraw from sex/intimacy completely - because it's actually psychologically more stabilising to give up sex completely than to be tormented by the reminder that infrequent sex brings up.

For the vast majority of men, it's not about self entitlement at all. That's just something that bitter women have conjured up to suit their man hating agenda.

Shit sorry cnp error!

Ignore that I'll try again. Have asked MN to delete.

Is this
'For the vast majority of men, it's not about self entitlement at all. That's just something that bitter women have conjured up to suit their man hating agenda.'

In response to this
'We have more issues with gynae stuff which can last, or may have surgery and have to recover.
Pregnancy and BF both can impact sex drive.
Childbirth needs to be recovered from. Sometimes quick. Sometimes esp if damage trauma could be a fair old while.
Menopause.
More?

A man who doesn't get a shag from eg 34 weeks and realises it's not going to happen for a while yet.
And so zooms out to get a shag elsewhere.

That's definitely not something most men would do.

Because most men aren't actually total areseholes'

??

@beingsunny

Of course it's grim,

But have you ever been in a relationship where your partner doesn't want to have sex with you any more?

It's horrendous, and yes of course there is more to a relationship than sex but, without it you are just friends, if you aren't too resentful at the continuing rejection.

As we go through life, we all face challenges which pushes sex right out of the equation. For example, we’ve had difficult pregnancies, mental illness, peripheral neuropathy and cancer. So what do you do? Sorry you’re not feeling so good but I’m off out now for a shag?

There is just no way my H and his mates would entertain the idea of entitled adultery as a topic of conversation.

They usually "big up" their wives/partners, family life by expressing how lucky they are.

The men you heard are the grunts. How they persuade one woman, never mind more, to bed them beggars belief.

But there you go.

@Immaculatemisconception
Not quite my experience, but yes there are often periods where things slow down or it's off the cards for a while, I know my exh and I had dry spells after our son was born and then after trying and failing to have a second, but when none of this things apply, and your partner just doesn't want you it's terrible. It's destroyed my self esteem. It think it's probably difficult to see it as the person not interested but it's worth taking a minute to look at it from the other side.

It doesn't matter now, I ended the relationship eventually, but the damage is ongoing.

If a man (or woman) is getting enough sex at home they won't have the appetite to play away. Not endorsing it, just pointing out the cold hard reality.

As a blanket statement this simply isn't true. It isn't true that if people are having lots of sex they won't have 'the appetite' to cheat. Because for some people, cheating isn't just about having a sexual need fulfilled, it's about the 'cheaters high', thriving on secrecy, having sex with multiple people rather than just one, even if they have loads of sex with their partner.

You'd be correct if you said 'some people who are getting enough sex at home wouldn't have the appetite to play away'. But you've stated it as if it's fact when actually lots of people with very active sex lives at home still cheat.

@beingsunny

Of course it's grim,

But have you ever been in a relationship where your partner doesn't want to have sex with you any more?

It's horrendous, and yes of course there is more to a relationship than sex but, without it you are just friends, if you aren't too resentful at the continuing rejection.

So you end the relationship. Not cheat.

@beingsunny

That’s your issue with measuring your self worth and attractive-ness based on how often another person wants to have sex with you

It’s a common trope on MN “it’s soul destroying when your DH rejects you for sex”
Well no, not if you have proper self respect and don’t use sex as a yardstick for your value in life

You need to work on yourself, and also see that a relationship is more than just a vehicle for 2 people to express their attraction for each other via sex

I think you have to factor in age too— I’m not bothered any more at 59 , I fully admit it and the idea that sex (for women in particular) is something that we should all still be really keen on and it’s expected of until maybe in our 70s or perhaps older isn’t something that I am ok with — fab if you still like it , but I don’t think it should be an expectation or an assumption that ‘all’ women continue to feel sexual for ever more— and the idea that your partner/husband just goes and finds random hook ups to fill the gap to me is unacceptable to unless the woman is ok with that. Surely relationships should be about more than sex and particularly beyond a certain age. After 44 years worth of it (2 husbands) I want to retire from it to be honest!

I think the problem is that these sites have become so mainstream that getting sex outside a marriage has become almost normalised in a lot of men's minds. Especially if they spend a lot of time viewing these free porn images. Years ago, if you wanted to watch porn you'd have to hire a movie, and it was perhaps something you could watch together with your partner. The porn actors were just that - actors - and not someone you could potentially hook up with.
Now, people can view porn images any time of the day or night, on their mobile devices, and the activity can be completely compartmentalised from their marriages.
Rather than speak to their partner about their desires to have more sex at home, some men will choose the hook-up site because they perceive it as being easier. That way, they can then of course get sex with a younger/different/more attractive woman and still use the excuse that they weren't getting any at home, so they had to seek it elsewhere.
The patriarchy is still alive, kicking and flourishing, sadly.

[quote SW1amp]@beingsunny

That’s your issue with measuring your self worth and attractive-ness based on how often another person wants to have sex with you

It’s a common trope on MN “it’s soul destroying when your DH rejects you for sex”
Well no, not if you have proper self respect and don’t use sex as a yardstick for your value in life

You need to work on yourself, and also see that a relationship is more than just a vehicle for 2 people to express their attraction for each other via sex[/quote]
♥️

@tarasmalatarocks

I think you have to factor in age too— I’m not bothered any more at 59 , I fully admit it and the idea that sex (for women in particular) is something that we should all still be really keen on and it’s expected of until maybe in our 70s or perhaps older isn’t something that I am ok with — fab if you still like it , but I don’t think it should be an expectation or an assumption that ‘all’ women continue to feel sexual for ever more— and the idea that your partner/husband just goes and finds random hook ups to fill the gap to me is unacceptable to unless the woman is ok with that. Surely relationships should be about more than sex and particularly beyond a certain age. After 44 years worth of it (2 husbands) I want to retire from it to be honest!

Such a great post, thank you. In the aftermath of learning about my husband's infidelity, I would often look at older and elderly couples together out and about. They'd be waiting for buses, chatting to one another, shopping, walking side by side, sometimes holding hands, etc. I just got a real sense of these couples being companions more than anything else.

I think the problem is that these sites have become so mainstream that getting sex outside a marriage has become almost normalised in a lot of men's minds

Assuming they’re not having sex with each other then there are women on these hook up sites too. I dare say you know someone on one of those sites but you likely don’t know it because women are much less likely to talk about it. So you can paint it as a man thing as much as you want but it’s not.