Resent that mum never worked/had a job - causing rifts between us

[Waferbiscuit]

My mother married right out of University and since then has been a SAHM/SAHW. She only ever held one job, over the summer, when she was 20 and and has never had a job since.

She has lived a very comfortable life - children at a young age, divorced but remarried quickly so no change in her financial circumstances, moderately successful husband and kids at home until they left when she was 48. Since then she has spent the last 40+ years travelling, pottering and quite frankly stretching out daily chores into the day. She is part of a weird generation of mc women who expected to be cared for and probably never expected to work.

By contrast I have worked FT since leaving University, now a single parent, still working and juggling everything.

The fact that mum has never worked means she's lived in a real bubble, and has very skewed views about public life and the world of work. This causes huge rifts between us and really affects our relationship.

• She has very little concept of what work is like and the pressures of modern work so when I explain that I am stressed she thinks that it's my fault and I need to manage it.
• She doesn't understand that people need to do work outside of 9-5
• She has no real sense of what it's like to have someone instructing you/telling you what to do; she has literally been 'self guided' her entire life
• She thinks it's easy to get a job and promotion so doesn't understand why they aren't forthcoming for me or my siblings.
• She is deeply unproductive so thinks juggling means trying to do the dishes and laundry in the same morning and considers that 'busy-ness' to be on par with mine
• She is very naive about money and assumes everyone is on a relatively good wage. She doesn't understand why I can't go part-time.
• She dresses in organic frocks and proudly doesn't wear makeup or do her hair but her 'hippyness' is a privilege - she doesn't clock that other people actually have to look and dress professionally for work.
• She doesn't help me in any way - financially or with DCs - because she's always too busy doing nothing at all, but she's 'very busy'.

I know I should be grateful that she's not working in a factory to scrape by, but her naiviety means there's an entire aspects of my life she doesn't understand and over the years it's caused real tensions. I partly resent that she doesn't get it and partly resent that she's had such an easy ride that she takes for granted or really considers her due.

Posting just to see if anyone else has the same problem and how they made peace with it.

@callmeadoctor No car (but mIL never had one either, we do live in London). smartphone is necessary for my job (I use it to login to my work's cloud-based intranet and it costs me £150) and so is laptop. my MIL had indoor toilet, she is over 50. even my grandparents had indoor toilet in colonial singapore, was uk that backward then? I think she also had washer/dryer and dishwasher.

And when i bought my flat, the washer/dryer and dishwasher came with the flat. When i rented in berlin, we never had a washing machine, we went to the launderette and did our laundry with the asylum seekers and the gypsies.

We saved 70k in 3 years to buy our london flat. We are the lucky ones. But it is so much harder for so many people in our generation who were not lucky enough to have parents in London. MIL basically had 50% equity gifted to her by her parents. We did save a lot by living with her, but we still had to take out 85% mortgage and get the maximum loan.

Pumper, my mum worked part time as a cleaner as well as looking after us 3. My nan knitted stuff. We lived in a council house with outdoor toilet. No central heating, tv, phone. No books (i used the library after school). Our bath was in the kitchen covered with plywood to stack the dishes on. Everyone walked to school. We had free school dinners (which all the other kids knew about). All clothes were hand me downs. Very few girls went to university. We were expected to become secretarys! My sister left school at 15 (that was the age then).

I was born in 1960 by the way. (Uk north west)

@callmeadoctor

Pumper, my mum worked part time as a cleaner as well as looking after us 3. My nan knitted stuff. We lived in a council house with outdoor toilet. No central heating, tv, phone. No books (i used the library after school). Our bath was in the kitchen covered with plywood to stack the dishes on. Everyone walked to school. We had free school dinners (which all the other kids knew about). All clothes were hand me downs. Very few girls went to university. We were expected to become secretarys! My sister left school at 15 (that was the age then).

Oh you had libraries! You’re so lucky! AND free school dinners? And clothes that lasted long enough to be passed down?

It is interestng to read how people think that life was much easier then, I have to say that certainly for a woman it wasnt, although as always it would depend on how wealthy your family were. We were working class and certainly I didnt have an inside loo till I was 10/11

Pumper theres really no need to be sarcastic. Im only telling you how it was for me.

@callmeadoctor

Pumper theres really no need to be sarcastic. Im only telling you how it was for me.

No, you said people needed a reality check. I’m just making sure you see yours.

Of course babe

You’re so lucky though - house prices in line with washes, public services open and useable, free school dinners, grandparents who weren’t working well into their retirement and had so much time to actually knit warm clothes for you. Not to mention safe pensions, access to healthcare and an improvement in home hygiene, you must feel so blessed.

Did your parents pay all of that for you?

My great grandfather was a doctor; he had servants, a car and chauffeur. He paid for all three of his sons to do medicine, and one of them took 10 years to qualify as he was a ladies man! My grandfather was a Director of Public Health. He gave my parents money for a house - they never had a mortgage.

When I went to university, we got grants. We got iirc about £300 per term. My parents had to pay £40 a term for me. I could either pay hall fees comfortably or share a house; buy all my course books, go home one weekend a term, and go out whenever I wanted, although we had modest tastes and very few clothes compared to young people nowadays.

My grandfather left everything else to me and my brother. My brother bought a house, where we come from; I bought a flat in the SE.

If it all sounds lovely and rosy - it wasn't. There was considerable human tragedy! My great grandmother was an alcoholic, clearly she wasn't deliriously happy - my great grandfather was a typical overbearing Edwardian father, who bullied his sons, and I guess he bullied her too. My grandfather's youngest brother got TB, recovered, went fishing, fell in the river and died of pneumonia at 27, in the days before antibiotics. My paternal grandmother wasn't cut out for motherhood - my father got rickets, which is odd in a family of doctors....Anyway she died of cancer when he was 18.....

Money can't buy you happiness, if you haven't got your health!

@gofg

Surely it is pointless resenting something which happened so long ago. Your DM won't be the only one in this situation, it's just the way life has changed. There are many advantages these days which previous generations didn't have, it's not a competition of who has the best life.

Just concentrate on your life and change your mindset.

I agree.

@Intercity225

Did your parents pay all of that for you?

My great grandfather was a doctor; he had servants, a car and chauffeur. He paid for all three of his sons to do medicine, and one of them took 10 years to qualify as he was a ladies man! My grandfather was a Director of Public Health. He gave my parents money for a house - they never had a mortgage.

When I went to university, we got grants. We got iirc about £300 per term. My parents had to pay £40 a term for me. I could either pay hall fees comfortably or share a house; buy all my course books, go home one weekend a term, and go out whenever I wanted, although we had modest tastes and very few clothes compared to young people nowadays.

My grandfather left everything else to me and my brother. My brother bought a house, where we come from; I bought a flat in the SE.

If it all sounds lovely and rosy - it wasn't. There was considerable human tragedy! My great grandmother was an alcoholic, clearly she wasn't deliriously happy - my great grandfather was a typical overbearing Edwardian father, who bullied his sons, and I guess he bullied her too. My grandfather's youngest brother got TB, recovered, went fishing, fell in the river and died of pneumonia at 27, in the days before antibiotics. My paternal grandmother wasn't cut out for motherhood - my father got rickets, which is odd in a family of doctors....Anyway she died of cancer when he was 18.....

Money can't buy you happiness, if you haven't got your health!

No. It can buy you security though, which helps.

My point was, previous generations have never had to rely on parental support in the same way this generation does. You pay a lot for your child, why is that?

Oh, two male members of the family had schizophrenia and took overdoses, and my grandfather died of malnutrition and pneumonia - I can only guess he had depression, because he lived on cigarettes and cups of tea, the last 6 weeks of his life, when he must have known better!

No. It can buy you security though, which helps.

No, it doesn't. One of DC has a life threatening condition and can die at any time. There is no security, when every night, you go to bed, wondering if DC will die in the night (and they are in the highest risk group for this); worrying every time the phone rings; the 999 calls every week for 10 years....when you never know if you are going to spend all night in A & E. Watching DC suffer progressive deterioration - imagine your 16 year old got dementia? Watching other DC suffer severe mental health problems as a result - getting phone calls all hours of the day and night from the police, asking if I know where DC is?

I would rather live in poverty and have all "normal" DC, and thinking money can buy you security when either of DC can die any time, is delusional!

@Intercity225

No. It can buy you security though, which helps.

No, it doesn't. One of DC has a life threatening condition and can die at any time. There is no security, when every night, you go to bed, wondering if DC will die in the night (and they are in the highest risk group for this); worrying every time the phone rings; the 999 calls every week for 10 years....when you never know if you are going to spend all night in A & E. Watching DC suffer progressive deterioration - imagine your 16 year old got dementia? Watching other DC suffer severe mental health problems as a result - getting phone calls all hours of the day and night from the police, asking if I know where DC is?

I would rather live in poverty and have all "normal" DC, and thinking money can buy you security when either of DC can die any time, is delusional!

I’m not sure what this means - is it your children who are ill?

My point is, financial security is important. The people on this thread who are able to support their children through university or with massive deposits for homes must have relative financial security, and also this is the first generation who have been expected to rely on their parents well into adulthood.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6707451.stm

@Pumperthepumper

You pay a lot for your child, why is that?
Because she wants to?

I’m not sure what this means - is it your children who are ill?
DC usually refers to one's own children.

[quote Billandben444]@Pumperthepumper

You pay a lot for your child, why is that?
Because she wants to?

I’m not sure what this means - is it your children who are ill?
DC usually refers to one's own children.[/quote]
Wants to or has to?

I couldn’t decide if it was hypothetical or not.

I couldn’t decide if it was hypothetical or not.

Of course its not hypothetical. One DD has severe, life threatening condition - she has suffered massive cognitive deterioration, and can die at any time. Why else would I say imagine, your 16 year develops dementia? That is what it has been like! We have lost the person, she was, and its like another person is talking and walking about in her body. The grief is never ending. The other DD, as a result of watching all this - her grief over the loss of her sister and best friend, the 999 calls, the injuries, the trips to A & E, developed severe mental health problems.

People may think their stress is 10 out 10 over money; do they say to themselves

"Well, my children are in good health, they go to mainstream schools, they can walk to school and have local friends - therefore, I don't need to get stressed about money!"

So, we may have no mortgage; but our stress is 10 out of 10 over DDs and both of us often struggle to function because of it.

DH has had two heart attacks, because of the stress over them - so does it sound like relative financial security has done him any good?

My point is, financial security is important.

My point is its not, if other worries replace it. Look at GPs today - they are all complaining, their work is too stressful to do full time. Many of them can only do 3 days a week. They don't say, well its a well paid job and the financial security acts as an antidote to all the stress from the work - its fine! Do they? No, they are complaining of burn out.

It sounds like you had a very privileged middle class upbringing - which your good old hippy mum provided for you. You sound very selfish and entitled. I grew up with a paranoid schizophrenic mother in dire poverty, I would have given anything to have your arsehole little gripes.

It sounds like you had a very privileged middle class upbringing - which your good old hippy mum provided for you. You sound very selfish and entitled. I grew up with a paranoid schizophrenic mother in dire poverty, I would have given anything to have your arsehole little gripes.

@fuckoffImcounting - Delightful comment - I forgot about the old MN race to the bottom. I bet the person who grew up without a mother at all would have been grateful to have your mother, regardless of the circumstances. See, we can all play that game!

@fuckoffImcounting

It sounds like you had a very privileged middle class upbringing - which your good old hippy mum provided for you. You sound very selfish and entitled. I grew up with a paranoid schizophrenic mother in dire poverty, I would have given anything to have your arsehole little gripes.

Pretty good answer!

Money can't buy you happiness, if you haven't got your health!

@Intercity225 - there are so many people all over the world who have neither money nor health, including many in the UK, that your statements here are rather tone deaf.

While you certainly have all my sympathy - what you're facing with your children is truly sad - can you not see that your problems would be greatly exacerbated by lack of money and worries about issues like Universal Credit, lack of money for heating and cooking and hot water, having to use a food bank,having no means of reliable transportation, and other things someone with money wouldn't have to think about?

By a decent standard of living you mean having a smart phone, computer, car, central heating, indoor toilet, washer/dryer! All the things that a lot of "older people" never had!!! I would say that the young people today need to get a reality check!

If you think the expectation of an indoor toilet is unreasonable, then I think you're the one in need of a reality check, @callmeadoctor.

Let's all go back to the days of the horse and car, to families living in misery in slums, to rickets, high infant mortality from asthma, baths in galvanised tubs in the kitchen, men and women living lives of unrelenting hard, physical labour, and children's lives haunted by hunger and lack of opportunity.

And yes, smartphones are what everyone has these days. My mum tried to replace her old brick with another old brick but nobody is selling them any more, not on the plan my Dsis provides for her anyway.