Resent that mum never worked/had a job - causing rifts between us

[Waferbiscuit]

My mother married right out of University and since then has been a SAHM/SAHW. She only ever held one job, over the summer, when she was 20 and and has never had a job since.

She has lived a very comfortable life - children at a young age, divorced but remarried quickly so no change in her financial circumstances, moderately successful husband and kids at home until they left when she was 48. Since then she has spent the last 40+ years travelling, pottering and quite frankly stretching out daily chores into the day. She is part of a weird generation of mc women who expected to be cared for and probably never expected to work.

By contrast I have worked FT since leaving University, now a single parent, still working and juggling everything.

The fact that mum has never worked means she's lived in a real bubble, and has very skewed views about public life and the world of work. This causes huge rifts between us and really affects our relationship.

• She has very little concept of what work is like and the pressures of modern work so when I explain that I am stressed she thinks that it's my fault and I need to manage it.
• She doesn't understand that people need to do work outside of 9-5
• She has no real sense of what it's like to have someone instructing you/telling you what to do; she has literally been 'self guided' her entire life
• She thinks it's easy to get a job and promotion so doesn't understand why they aren't forthcoming for me or my siblings.
• She is deeply unproductive so thinks juggling means trying to do the dishes and laundry in the same morning and considers that 'busy-ness' to be on par with mine
• She is very naive about money and assumes everyone is on a relatively good wage. She doesn't understand why I can't go part-time.
• She dresses in organic frocks and proudly doesn't wear makeup or do her hair but her 'hippyness' is a privilege - she doesn't clock that other people actually have to look and dress professionally for work.
• She doesn't help me in any way - financially or with DCs - because she's always too busy doing nothing at all, but she's 'very busy'.

I know I should be grateful that she's not working in a factory to scrape by, but her naiviety means there's an entire aspects of my life she doesn't understand and over the years it's caused real tensions. I partly resent that she doesn't get it and partly resent that she's had such an easy ride that she takes for granted or really considers her due.

Posting just to see if anyone else has the same problem and how they made peace with it.

Changing your mindset and letting go of resentments is hard, but holding onto it is not helping you so its worth a go.

• is your mother responsible for your stresses
• is it important that she understands how stressed you are, if so, why is that? What is it you need that is missing? How can you get it elsewhere or provide it to yourself?
• what are you grateful to her for, however small, make a list
• what has she missed out on? When you look at her, look with compassion at what she lacks, not with resentment at what she has had.

When you say 'a whole generation', what generation are you referring to?

My mom was born in the 40s, just pre-baby boomer. Her situation is very similar to women who are her white, m/c peers. Similar expectations and life experiences.

I think perhaps you're seeing her life as much through your lens as she's seeing yours for hers.

I mean, for my grandmother who was admittedly 10-15 years older than your mother, laundry was a full day washing tub and mangle job until my grandparents got a twin tub, so while your mother was able to go to university and my DGM started work at 14 she was still forced to leave her job when she got married. Without todays labour saving devices for housework she did a full days work in the home, food shopping, cleaning, cooking and looking after children and helping with her own parents and grandparents, all without a car.

I mean, unless she was rich enough to send out laundry, have a cleaner, cook and a car then I don't think her life then can be just as easy as you're seeing now.

I would consider her opinion too inconsequential to get pissed off about.

Sounds like MIL who "retired" in her early 40s

Someone’s “value” doesn’t only equate to paid, full time employment. That’s a very westernised way of looking at life.

@Bagelsandbrie - I never said her life would have had more value if she had been in paid employment. But she might have been less blinkered.

@GoWalkabout - those are good suggestions. Thanks.

First, I want to say, it's nothing to do with the generation, but how comfortable off they are.
My mother (born 1910), worked all her life, she was in her 40s when I was born. She stopped for 6 weeks for my birth.
The difference? She did not have a glamorous job, but worked in a factory most of her life.
That said, it was the same with my DMIL, (born 1912), who in her case worked as a teacher, all her life, although she had a few years off as a SAHM, until DH started school, at 5.

Honestly OP, there are so many studies that show work is good for you. Emotionally, physically, socially, intellectually, having a job benefits your well being.
My mother's GP told her this at seventy. She had five children and always worked in some capacity. She went back to night school to get some qualifications in her early fifties then had a proper job in the Civil Service until 65. When she retired she worked three days a week as a receptionist until her early seventies.
My MIL never worked and suffered with mental health issues once her children went to university.
Feel proud about working. Your children will be proud of you.

I’m not sure any generation fully “gets” or understands the previous one, and vice versa!
With me, it’s almost the other way round to you, OP. I’m in my 60s, my DDs are in their 30s.
I worked 100 hour weeks as a junior doctor, was widowed when the DDs were babies, and worked myself to exhaustion as a single parent/full time hospital doctor, with no local support and my nearest relative 250 miles away.
My DDs both have 9 to 5 office jobs, one of them within walking distance of her home. They both have loving partners who take a full share of chores and do all the driving.
Both are currently childless.
I don’t think they could even begin to understand what I went through, trying to hold it all together single handed, while grieving my soulmate, for the last thirty years.
I hope they never have to. But we all love each other to bits, regardless!

I'm not so sure I'd want her life.

My mum was forced to give up her civil service job when she married in 1948. She was then a SAHM until 1970 but during that time she had to ask her husband permission to spend anything, had no right to make any decisions, was required to do all the housework (no washing machine, no dishwasher, no ready meals, cooking for 7) and put up with an abusive unpleasant husband. And because she had 5 children, she had no choice, there was nowhere to go, no way she could leave or earn a living.

Only when he was in failing health did she manage to take a job, because by then he couldn't stop her, but with 20 years out of the workplace, and needing school hours, she became a school cook.

You say your mum remarried quickly. Was that through necessity?
Not nice. Perhaps try to see your advantages, your independence, you'll never need to wash clothes by hand. You don't need to rely on anyone.

This could be my MiL. She’s never worked and after the umpteenth attempt of explaining that I couldn’t ‘just give it up and be with DD’ which means run around after mil as for someone who has never worked, she’s had an incredibly spoilt life, I did get a bit sarcy and say ‘aye ok then. How generous you are to offer to pay for the shortfall in my wages so I can be with DD’. She’s not mentioned it since…

@Waferbiscuit

When you say 'a whole generation', what generation are you referring to?

My mom was born in the 40s, just pre-baby boomer. Her situation is very similar to women who are her white, m/c peers. Similar expectations and life experiences.

There weren't many roles open to women in those days, so obtaining rewarding work was much more difficult. There was a societal expectation that women married and stayed home. Fortunately that's since changed. I don't understand why it's something you need to make peace with.

@thelegohooverer

I suspect the problem isn’t so much that your life circumstances have been different but that your dm lacks empathy and consideration and is doing nothing to meet either your emotional or practical needs.

That’s not about being a sahm, or not having worked. If she had a demanding career, I think it would still be all about her.

I think this could be spot on. My mum worked only for a few years before she married my dad but it didn't mean she couldn't see how testing our lives could be.

Testing? I meant trying. Plus our parents helped us out with advice and practical support where they could.

Bringing up the dreaded Brexit subject again- I got very tired on Facebook if I commented about big areas of concern from a lot of women in their 60s and 70s (and I’m 59) going on about the fact that ‘you younger people want it all’ - we just ‘made do’ — well that’s all good and fine but you then find out their ‘made do ‘involved a nice house in a good area, a bit of a part time job and paid for pensions - but suddenly they thought they had a masters in economics and were experts in trade and logistics (stuff I have a lot of experience in) . I have absolutely no issue with the fact a lot of these ladies didn’t do much in the commercial world for 40 years, but I have a big issue when they stick their noses into how many women have to cope with life as it is today and have no empathy whatsoever

Um.. parenting is work or did you change your own nappies?

Stop devaluing women

God you're all patting yourselves on the back for being run ragged.

Sounds like OPs mum has it sussed. Why shouldn't she have a nice life?

You sound jealous.

As for this
She spent two weeks being properly cared for after giving birth, lots of rest, baby brought over for feeds

Surely that's a good thing?? Why would you want anything else?

So odd.

I don’t think it’s down to her not working, I think it’s just that different generations (and even people within the same generation) people have very different experiences and attitudes. There are plenty of people on mumsnet who have little understanding of how tough life can be for others.

I'd say this is the case too.
But also we often choose to live different lives to our mothers. My parents worked all hours, I don't resent that, I know they had no choice - we were even homeless at one stage. I don't have any concept of how hard it was for my Mum, Dad was an alcoholic. I did once say I wouldn't have tolerated his behaviour in her place. Her reply was what bloody choice did she have? There weren't the safety nets that we have now, she had no family either. She put up with a lot to make sure I (mainly) had a roof over my head. I felt ashamed of my comment.
I didn't want the same for my kids, so I have mainly been at home, but it was never the plan to be a full time SAHM, but OHs job meant I became a trailing spouse (although I have worked on and off). I suspect my kids will not understand my life, they way I didn't understand my Mum's life. My oldest already says I don't understand what it's like at school these days and how different it is from my era...Although I do my best to be supportive, which it sounds like your mother doesn't. You don't need to have worked to have empathy.

@Waferbiscuit

When you say 'a whole generation', what generation are you referring to?

My mom was born in the 40s, just pre-baby boomer. Her situation is very similar to women who are her white, m/c peers. Similar expectations and life experiences.

I think you're way over generalising. Your mum's is a very specific and at the very least a middle class bubble. Not a generational one. Many women of her age worked (mainly at very unsatisfying jobs). My mum was born a bit before her, and worked for most of my life, initially as a typist and then retraining as a teacher.

And of course many, many were forced into what would not be called minimum wage jobs, to keep a roof over the family's head.

What would NOW be called minimum wage jobs.

My MIL is like this. I feel for you. The wedge for me isn't the difference it's the judgement that comes out of it.

So (pre-Covid) she'd laughingly say ' you're so disorganised!' Because I got to the night before a work trip and hadn't booked a taxi to the airport. I did a 60 hour a week job, with travel for work every couple of weeks, 2 kids under 5 a DP who was away for work even more than me and a mum with dementia I was trying to look after as well. I was super bloody organised so it was hilarious (& very grating) that she just didn't see it.
For her travel involved packing a week before and having 3 or 4 detailed lists of what was in each case. The taxi would have been booked weeks before the trip. But they only travelled 2 or 3 times a year.

I remember her telling me she'd had a really busy day, but when she told me more it turned out she'd been to Boots and the library

But I think I am as judgemental of her. Pre-Covid I wore 'busyness' as a badge of honour and felt barely coping was a good thing. She made different choices for a much gentler, less exciting (aka stressful) life.

Who's to say who's choice is right?

Oh this reminds me of the older women in my family. Both my grandmother and my own mother were sahm but both had au pairs, cleaning ladies and ironing ladies. The are no longer with us but I'm a sahm of school age children and my aunty told me I should get a cleaner to make my life easier .

TRexx, your post is literally from the Jurassic period. LOL.

Everyone should have the opportunity to have a nice life. I am trying to flag up the 'fallout' that comes from living a sheltered life of leisure.

And remember someone has to work in paid employment to keep that 'nice life' going.

If, has your OP implies, your mother is aged 88+, then doing all her own housework actually is a rather good achievement, and may well take up all her morning. At her age, she could hardly be expected to help look after grandchildren.