Resent that mum never worked/had a job - causing rifts between us

[Waferbiscuit]

My mother married right out of University and since then has been a SAHM/SAHW. She only ever held one job, over the summer, when she was 20 and and has never had a job since.

She has lived a very comfortable life - children at a young age, divorced but remarried quickly so no change in her financial circumstances, moderately successful husband and kids at home until they left when she was 48. Since then she has spent the last 40+ years travelling, pottering and quite frankly stretching out daily chores into the day. She is part of a weird generation of mc women who expected to be cared for and probably never expected to work.

By contrast I have worked FT since leaving University, now a single parent, still working and juggling everything.

The fact that mum has never worked means she's lived in a real bubble, and has very skewed views about public life and the world of work. This causes huge rifts between us and really affects our relationship.

• She has very little concept of what work is like and the pressures of modern work so when I explain that I am stressed she thinks that it's my fault and I need to manage it.
• She doesn't understand that people need to do work outside of 9-5
• She has no real sense of what it's like to have someone instructing you/telling you what to do; she has literally been 'self guided' her entire life
• She thinks it's easy to get a job and promotion so doesn't understand why they aren't forthcoming for me or my siblings.
• She is deeply unproductive so thinks juggling means trying to do the dishes and laundry in the same morning and considers that 'busy-ness' to be on par with mine
• She is very naive about money and assumes everyone is on a relatively good wage. She doesn't understand why I can't go part-time.
• She dresses in organic frocks and proudly doesn't wear makeup or do her hair but her 'hippyness' is a privilege - she doesn't clock that other people actually have to look and dress professionally for work.
• She doesn't help me in any way - financially or with DCs - because she's always too busy doing nothing at all, but she's 'very busy'.

I know I should be grateful that she's not working in a factory to scrape by, but her naiviety means there's an entire aspects of my life she doesn't understand and over the years it's caused real tensions. I partly resent that she doesn't get it and partly resent that she's had such an easy ride that she takes for granted or really considers her due.

Posting just to see if anyone else has the same problem and how they made peace with it.

@bogoffmda eh are you confusing me with another poster? I'm not sure what my post said that triggered you? my point was a general one.

I'm not sure why saying pension schemes in the past were better then they are today equals bitter and resentful

And I am intrigued by what investment vehicle your gps used to accumulate so much money in a short time, again I'm not sure why that makes me bitter and resentful

And I don't understand why the OP, instead of rejoicing in her mother's good fortune, hates her for it.

As the OP just to be clear I don't "hate" my mom for her good fortune, nor do I want her money or help. I started this thread because I feel there are tensions due to her lack of understanding of my life because of what feels like a huge generational gap and her limited world view.

But, as others have pointed out, I too have my own worldview and lack of understandings about her life.

Finally I don't expect her to be cleaning like a demon at age 80 - she has stretched out what she can do in a day not just now. She just has the luxury of time.

@Waferbiscuit

She didn’t earn the money and doesn’t deserve it, but you (who also didn’t earn the money) do deserve to have it?

@BoredZelda That's not what I said or implied. I never said I deserved it. I just thought one would be a bit more generous with money that one inherited by surprise from a great uncle than money one worked to accrue themselves. It doesn't matter anyway - it's a footnote to the main thread topic.

But they'd have left it to you if they wanted to, wouldn't they? They wanted her to have it - perhaps because they appreciated that she would have no independent income of her own and was entirely dependent upon good luck with her second husband?

She has had a different life to you. Not a perfect one, as I would think that she was not intending to become a single parent in the 1980s when she married first time round (and who knows exactly what it was like for her when that marriage was ending - it could have been horrendous and full of anxiety because of how vulnerable she was financially?). She has been fortunate in meeting somebody who earned well and presumably hasn't been abusive or unfaithful - however, from her point of view, perhaps she feels that you're lucky because you are independent and things are decidedly different being a single parent in 2020 compared to forty years ago.

@Rkyii55
Also, you only re-posted part of my paragraph. I stated that it would be nice for parents to help financially support their adult children if possible. The full paragraph read:

‘OP - Bottom line is it’s her money, not yours. Your parents are not obliged to give you any money. It would be nice if they did, but you should not expect it or factor that into lifestyle choices that you have made (without her agreement), unless your parents have explicitly told you that they will help to financially support you as a grown adult.’

Absolutely you reap what you sow with your children a lot of the time.

The same way OP cannot understand her mothers life back then is likewise for her mother not understand hers today. The washing machine and so on are really valid points.

There's no excuse for selfishness though if your finical comfortable! Help your children.

@Waferbiscuit

She didn’t earn the money and doesn’t deserve it, but you (who also didn’t earn the money) do deserve to have it?

@BoredZelda That's not what I said or implied. I never said I deserved it. I just thought one would be a bit more generous with money that one inherited by surprise from a great uncle than money one worked to accrue themselves. It doesn't matter anyway - it's a footnote to the main thread topic.

There is a certain implication in your posts that your mum should be helping you out financially though, and tbh I don't think that this issue IS mere footnote

She refused to work but kept getting pregnant against the wishes of her then DP

Huh??

Kept getting pregnant. By herself you mean.

I think that the OP needs to read up on the history of the era that her mother was in. No phone (mobile or other), no tv, no washing machine/ dryer. No contraception, males were viewed as the providers to the family. No central heating, (no free healthcare early days). Women had virtually no rights. It must have absolute hell and I definitely think that she deserves to have a nice life now. I dont understand why you would be jealous of her. You chose to have a child, women of her age had no choices.........................

I think it is sad you are jealous of her life

My mum was that generation, she only told me much much later in life that she’d lost her much loved job automatically in 1970, for daring to get married. Then lost her new job, again, when she got pregnant. Had post natal depression at some point as she found sAHM life much harder, less fulfilling than working

Was a bored housewife and loving mum

But heck I never envied her

Your mum may just presenting you a fairytale version of her life. It’s silly to be. jealous.

I am always surprised that 'that generation' of the OP's mother had such a charmed life - being more or less of that generation I can say that she was probably the exception but it did seem a waste of a university education when it was only 1 in 10 who could go to Uni.
I am 75 and worked all my life. After graduating I took any graduate job going and ended up working in IT. My son was born in 1973 and I brought him up as a single parent while working full time by utilising a childminder (who was paid out of my income).
Interest rates when I bought my first house in 1978 were very high and income tax was also higher than it is today.

I did not know anyone who gave up a career in my field when they married or had children. Most of us worked whether graduate or not.
Of course there were some who were buoyed up by the 'married womans stamp low NI - now they complain about it!)
OP - your mother will never understand the necessity to work that impels most of us to work full time - it was a waste of her degree but she has obviously had a very non-stressful life having chosen her path through life.

But, as others have pointed out, I too have my own worldview and lack of understandings about her life.

That's really honest of you and I respect that you've taken that on board.

@bunnybuggs

it was a waste of her degree

Sorry but I take issue with this statement.
Imho, education is never wasted.

And the poster observing that women were able to work full time and still get full pension rights should be aware that the law requiring pension schemes to be made available to part time workers didn’t come in till the mid 1990s

Because things were so much better then for women

I started office work in 1990 and we had typing pools, tea ladies and I had to wear a skirt. Impossible to imagine today

Any 80 yr old who went to university was likely to be from the better off or at least aspirational skilled trades. Otherwise she would have been out at work at 14.

In that period there is a good chance that she would have had to give up work on having a child or even getting married. As a housewife in that period unless they were extremely well off she wouldn't have had washing machines for all those terry nappies and shirts, nor convenience foods, bulk shopping, freezers or other labour saving devices. That is before you consider the social expectations of a housewife to be at beck and call for the family.

As a divorcee in the 60s that would have had its own challenges.

You talk about "that generation" not understanding low pay or the modern workplace but IME very few better off people, of any generation, understand poverty and hardship unless they have experienced it.

You talk about her not understanding your life but you seem to understand very little of hers beyond assuming her life was charmed because she was in unpaid work rather than paid work and dismissing her activities as unimportant.

Empathy works both ways.

My mother got very upset when I worked day and night in a city law firm. She said “I didn’t bring you into this world to work this hard”. My granny was equally horrified - both had worked themselves in normal professional jobs. At the time I eye rolled but Actually they were absolutely bloody right!

You do sound a little jealous and also I think you pay attention to what she says and thinks too much
She will never understand your situation so discuss those kind of things with your peers that understand you life

@callmeadoctor

I think that the OP needs to read up on the history of the era that her mother was in. No phone (mobile or other), no tv, no washing machine/ dryer. No contraception, males were viewed as the providers to the family. No central heating, (no free healthcare early days). Women had virtually no rights. It must have absolute hell and I definitely think that she deserves to have a nice life now. I dont understand why you would be jealous of her. You chose to have a child, women of her age had no choices.........................

I do not agree with some of this at all - being in that era. I am slightly younger than the OPs mum - but contraception was available in the 1960s, we had rights, we had TVs and twin tub washing machines, we had central heating, we had telephones (landlines) and there was healthcare for children and adults (the NHS came into being in 1945!) You make it sound as if it was victorian times with men calling the shots. Have you heard of women's lib. Some jobs did let women go if they got married but it was not universal. One of my aunts who was born in 1916 - worked all her life Another of my Aunts who was born in 1930 - also worked all her life

There's no excuse for selfishness though if your finical comfortable! Help your children.

Maybe, knowing her daughter works full-time, she's saving her money in case she needs in-home care or a nursing home later on?

Nursing/care homes are expensive and whatever money she has won't go far if she needs that level of care in a few years time. It's not selfish to save your money for your later years

@callmeadoctor the ops mother is about the same age as mine. I am 61.

Contraception, sheaths and caps, was available from the 1920s - not as reliable as now but available nonetheless. Mother and I are only children

I recall my grannie and mother having twin tubs as a v v small girl although by then grannie used the copper in the old scullery, to boil pigs' heads for brawn.

My grandparents had a telephone in the late 30s; my mother always had one, even when I was born in 1960. My grandparents got a TV for the coronation and a colour TV for the silver jubilee. I think my parents had one by the time I was 8 or 9. Come to think of it we also had electric lights.

My grandparents had central heating installed after the war - oil fired and whilst my parents didn't have it in the early 60s there were gas fires in all the bedrooms and hot and cold running water.

My grandmother and mother both worked albeit not in professional salaried jobs but both earned quite a lot. My grandfather (forriner) also too grannie's name.

I think you are thinking about the Victorian and Edwardian times rather than post 1920s. I confess, however, grannie had much more help in the home pre automatic washing machines and dishwashers. Before that sheets and towels, etc., we're sent out.

Finally shopping deliveries aren't new, my grannie had shopping delivered into the early 70s. Oh and she drove a motor car in the early 30s and a bloody tractor.

@Bagelsandbrie

Hmm are you sure you’re not actually unhappy with your life and perhaps even a bit jealous of your Mums? Reading between the lines that’s how it reads.

It’s okay that she doesn’t understand your world, you don’t sound like you understand hers either. It doesn’t mean you can’t have a good relationship.

I agree. There's a great deal of self pity when a modern woman's life is compared to her mother's. Resentment is scorching these pages! Mothers are being despised because they didn't have the sort of career which is driving their daughters.to an early grave. Why is it that women have such contempt for other women who don't share their lifestyle? Your mother did what was expected of her in her day. She can hardly be blamed for that. But you can be blamed for your own discontent.

I kind of get it.

My DF got good grades, went to uni, progressed in his career, office work, actually same field as me - so he understands when I complain more than my DM does

DM left school at 15 with no qualifications, worked in hairdressing, retail, factories before becoming a SAHM after having us. Then a childminder for a period of time.

She has no understanding of office working and cannot understand why I can't get all of my housework done during the day if I am WFH. Clearly thinks WFH means not working at all!

I'd love to not be able to work to be honest.

I think this is a personality issue really. She's not one of those people who can understand your experiences, and so it's probably best to change the subject and seek validation elsewhere.

My Grandma lived a life similar to your Mum, she's in her late 80's now. She was talked out of going to university because her family thought it better she married my Granddad. She had a civil service job that she had to leave when she had children, and frankly it's amazing she held onto it after she married!

She's always been extremely supportive of my education and career. I'm pregnanat now and she marvels at the fact I'm in a senior role and balancing a family because she would have loved to have that.

@HadEnoughofOtherThreads if OPS mother needed any type of care and she became not so "fit" I hope she wouldn't expect anything from OP in return

Yet another one looking for an excuse to avoid any responsability for your parents when they need care.

IMHO if you don't want to help your aged parents, don't help them but stop with this justification that they didn't do enough childcare and give you enough money.

@icedcoffees

There's no excuse for selfishness though if your finical comfortable! Help your children.

Maybe, knowing her daughter works full-time, she's saving her money in case she needs in-home care or a nursing home later on?

Nursing/care homes are expensive and whatever money she has won't go far if she needs that level of care in a few years time. It's not selfish to save your money for your later years

I'm not going to argue with you. It's been an interesting debate. Frown away we all parent differently. I stand by comment as a single parent I couldn't watch my child struggle I will not debate with you on that front.