Resent that mum never worked/had a job - causing rifts between us

[Waferbiscuit]

My mother married right out of University and since then has been a SAHM/SAHW. She only ever held one job, over the summer, when she was 20 and and has never had a job since.

She has lived a very comfortable life - children at a young age, divorced but remarried quickly so no change in her financial circumstances, moderately successful husband and kids at home until they left when she was 48. Since then she has spent the last 40+ years travelling, pottering and quite frankly stretching out daily chores into the day. She is part of a weird generation of mc women who expected to be cared for and probably never expected to work.

By contrast I have worked FT since leaving University, now a single parent, still working and juggling everything.

The fact that mum has never worked means she's lived in a real bubble, and has very skewed views about public life and the world of work. This causes huge rifts between us and really affects our relationship.

• She has very little concept of what work is like and the pressures of modern work so when I explain that I am stressed she thinks that it's my fault and I need to manage it.
• She doesn't understand that people need to do work outside of 9-5
• She has no real sense of what it's like to have someone instructing you/telling you what to do; she has literally been 'self guided' her entire life
• She thinks it's easy to get a job and promotion so doesn't understand why they aren't forthcoming for me or my siblings.
• She is deeply unproductive so thinks juggling means trying to do the dishes and laundry in the same morning and considers that 'busy-ness' to be on par with mine
• She is very naive about money and assumes everyone is on a relatively good wage. She doesn't understand why I can't go part-time.
• She dresses in organic frocks and proudly doesn't wear makeup or do her hair but her 'hippyness' is a privilege - she doesn't clock that other people actually have to look and dress professionally for work.
• She doesn't help me in any way - financially or with DCs - because she's always too busy doing nothing at all, but she's 'very busy'.

I know I should be grateful that she's not working in a factory to scrape by, but her naiviety means there's an entire aspects of my life she doesn't understand and over the years it's caused real tensions. I partly resent that she doesn't get it and partly resent that she's had such an easy ride that she takes for granted or really considers her due.

Posting just to see if anyone else has the same problem and how they made peace with it.

Exactly same here. In fact I suspect you're one of my brothers or sisters!

I learned that:

My mum actually missed out on a lot of great experiences by not working and a lot of validation and opportunity for independence. She makes it look easy but no life is without its challenges.

Focus on those topics where you can have a good mutual conversation. She doesn't need to get the world of work really so long as there are other things you can talk about.

Even if she had worked, it wouldn't change your sense of stress or frustration with work. So if you present work as a burden, her having to bear it wouldn't ease your load. She's not taken anything away from you.

Be conscious of envy and resentment as internal emotions rather than the logical inevitable result of someone else'sife choices or situation

Speak to your brothers and sisters to help you understand that your feelings are shared, it is a generational issue and not something personal to you and your mum

Try and keep a sense of humour

It is frustrating but over the years troubles me a lot less mainly cos of these ways I try and think about it.

My mum was the same OP, she had no clue about my actual life and was also quite sexist in her views of male/female roles.

But I loved her, and she loved me, fiercely. We couldn’t actually give each other much apart from that, yet it was more than enough. I miss her unfaltering love very much.

It does sound annoying that she's had everything handed to her on a plate but it is what it is. Just see a lot less of her. You are too busy.

There isn't much you can do save for having a good old laugh in the car in the way home about how naive they are. You aren't going to make her understand. Voluntary work would have been useful for a grounding in real life (and some empathy) but it sounds rather too late for that. If it is driving a wedge between you due to her unreasonable expectations (re promotion/salary etc) would low contact be an option?

I can see that being frustrating. Not an issue with my mum but I remember with my late grandad he really didn't understand the modent job market - DH works in a field that's quite volatile and he's lost a few jobs which caused my granddad a lot of stress because surely it was terrible to lose your job and you must have done something dreadfully wrong, but we had to explain that was normal these days, so that's exactly the sort of thing someone who has never worked, or not recently, just can't get their head around.

I think you just have to accept your DM will never understand these things, as as PP said, try to keep conversations on other things.

From what you say, she's well over 80. Even if she had worked, things have changed so much her life would have been totally different from yours. And at 80, maybe doing dishes and laundry on the same morning is a big effort.

The past is a different country. Just detach and ignore. It's not relevant to you.

My mum worked but never in a high pressure role and lived a financially comfortable life despite having many other challenges - my dad was chronically ill for most of my childhood and then died.

I’m a teacher with senior leadership responsibilities and my husband is a medic. We have two school age children and life is happy but manic. My mum worries about us and often tells me that I work too hard! This comes from a place of love but is also frustrating as there are no suggestions as to how I could work less hard and no real offers of practical help.

I wouldn’t change places with either my mum or yours though, OP. Although stressful, I love my work and get so much satisfaction from it and would not be without the intellectual challenge or the deep friendships that I’ve made through my work.

My Mum didn’t work for 12 years when we were kids, she did work before that and go back to work after so a little different (is now retired). But I’ve noticed she thinks I’m extremely frivolous regarding my kids- me and my partner both work full time, and so we can afford holidays abroad, a cleaner, nice new outfits for the kids etc. She says things like “We couldn’t go abroad for years and years”, “we had to make do with hand me down clothes from your cousins” etc and I’m like “yes because you only had one wage coming in”

I do get where you are coming from. But it may not be just down to the fact that she didn't work.

My mum worked part time my whole life. She was a single parent for bit in the 80s, continued to work very part time (7 hours a week) during school hours and had a house that she bought after she and dad divorced.

When I became a single parent and couldn't just work part time with benefits topping up the rest. She couldn't grasp the housing benefit wouldn't just pay the mortgage. She assumed that when I left exh I was giving up my career. I actually laughed. They she kept saying 'you wouldn't be so busy and stressed if you just quite your job' and the conversation would start again.

Now, several years later. She can't seem to get her hard round that I earn quite a bit now and that I am the higher earner in my relationship and still says things like 'oh spending his money again'. Or 'what does he think of you getting so many new work clothes'. As though dp gives a shit, what I spend my own money on. Or would even attempt to tell me what I can and can't spend on.

She thinks it's awful that I won't marry fo and not desperate to be his wife. Why would I? We aren't having kids, I have quote a bit in assets that will go to my kids. More than him. There's no benefit to me to marriage. I don't want or need it. But she wants me to have it.....because women want to be wives.

I think if your mother worked part time or full time, she still wouldn't understand. Even if your experiences were similar, she wouldn't get it and would still be the sort of person that thinks 'well you could just do xyz and sort it'.

Not quite the same but my siblings have no children and for my DM it has been so long since we were children that they don't understand why I can't drop everything and visit when they say. That to go to visit for the weekend means the previous and following weeks (or half weeks) are then catching up on what wasn't done the weekend of the visit.
My DM also dismissed the fact that we had visited her every month since lockdown eased as "not making much of an effort" (she has refused to visit us).
I have decided for my own mental health to ignore them, to tell them what I'm prepared to do/visit and acknowledge that they will not be happy with that, but that my boundary is where it is.

OP, have you had a conversation with your DM? Not an accusing one but more
Promotions no longer happen frequently/ people must work outside office hours/I can't visit today because I have to do my laundry this evening as I was in work today ?

Is it really that important for her to understand the world of your work ? I was always in the same situation with my mother, but it never bothered me. I had my life and she had hers , I didn't expect her to understand since she'd never worked since she'd married Dad. I'd just let it go , no point getting upset about it.

Same, my mum wasn't a sahm mum but retired in her 50's, same age that I am now.
She seems to have completely forgotten what it's like to go to work, she's in her 80's now.
I'm stressed from trying to keep on top of a heavy workload when there's not enough hours in a week, I do approx 10 hr days and her attitude is just say no, leave and get a better job, work in a supermarket (I work in a technical role that I have many years experience in) she also expects me to drop everything to run her to the doctors or pick up her prescription during a work day.
Also, she says my job is dangerous, what she means is the fact that I, a mere woman, doing my technical role is dangerous to others, a man is better suited to my type of work 🙄
Her latest thing is that I take early retirement and live on my pension, even though I still have a mortgage, I think she thinks if I retire I'm free to run her around every day.
The answer is too let it all slide, let it wash over your head, we'll never change our dms attitudes but you can change the way you react.

I don’t think it’s down to her not working, I think it’s just that different generations (and even people within the same generation) people have very different experiences and attitudes. There are plenty of people on mumsnet who have little understanding of how tough life can be for others.

I suspect the problem isn’t so much that your life circumstances have been different but that your dm lacks empathy and consideration and is doing nothing to meet either your emotional or practical needs.

That’s not about being a sahm, or not having worked. If she had a demanding career, I think it would still be all about her.

It is insanely annoying when women of that particular generation are passively aggressively critical of the perceived easy life of the modern mum (who is usually being pulled in a thousand directions)

My aunt is always going on about she had to wash nappies, didn't have a dishwasher, men weren't expected to get up in the night as had important jobs to do (clearly thinks this should still be the case) Tuts at how wasteful it is not to mend things, cook from scratch etc

She spent two weeks being properly cared for after giving birth, lots of rest, baby brought over for feeds. She has never worked. I honestly think she has no insight at all into how relentless it is when you both work full time and have small children

Hmm are you sure you’re not actually unhappy with your life and perhaps even a bit jealous of your Mums? Reading between the lines that’s how it reads.

It’s okay that she doesn’t understand your world, you don’t sound like you understand hers either. It doesn’t mean you can’t have a good relationship.

Thx all for your comments. I appreciate there is not much I can change in this situation - certainly not the mindset of my mother - so it really must be me who changes their mindset. I think I just wanted to put my feelings out there to see if anyone else felt the same and/or dealt with similar situations.

I am baffled that our culture produced a whole generation of women who lived in a bit of a bubble - certainly like that for my mom and her friends. Not sure the value of it at all!

My MIL is like this. She worked briefly after marriage but have up when she had kids. Nearly 60 years ago! She never went back.

She tries to tell me how to run my life when she has no idea what it's like to work, be the breadwinner (her DS, my DH, can't work much for mental health reasons), bring up DC, keep the house clean and tidy.

However, I've learnt to laugh it off. For Christmas two years ago she have me a book that's the best of Good Housekeeping magazine since the 1920s. I mean, seriously? 🤣 If it's a hint I've refused to take it.

@Almostwelsh

From what you say, she's well over 80. Even if she had worked, things have changed so much her life would have been totally different from yours. And at 80, maybe doing dishes and laundry on the same morning is a big effort.

The past is a different country. Just detach and ignore. It's not relevant to you.

Eh? Where does the OP say anything that implies she's 80?!

@namechange30455 she says kids left when she was 48 and has spent the last 40 years or so travelling etc.

Oh sorry @Almostwelsh - just read the bit where the OP says 48 then 40+ years.

But surely you're not talking about an 88-90yo OP?

I think they were massively deprived. Women in the civil service were forced to give up work when they married, in the 50s. Good jobs were reserved for men. Opportunities were almost zero for rewarding work for women. My mum was stuck in a narrow, unsatisfying world and was not even educated properly. Many of that age have no or inadequate state pensions. Nobody’s life on this earth is easy, even if it looks like it from the outside.

@Waferbiscuit

Thx all for your comments. I appreciate there is not much I can change in this situation - certainly not the mindset of my mother - so it really must be me who changes their mindset. I think I just wanted to put my feelings out there to see if anyone else felt the same and/or dealt with similar situations.

I am baffled that our culture produced a whole generation of women who lived in a bit of a bubble - certainly like that for my mom and her friends. Not sure the value of it at all!

When you say 'a whole generation', what generation are you referring to?

But surely you're not talking about an 88-90yo OP?

Sorry guys - my math was a bit out. She is just 80 and very fit so has only been without kids at home for 30+ years, not 40!

Someone’s “value” doesn’t only equate to paid, full time employment. That’s a very westernised way of looking at life.