Resent that mum never worked/had a job - causing rifts between us

[Waferbiscuit]

My mother married right out of University and since then has been a SAHM/SAHW. She only ever held one job, over the summer, when she was 20 and and has never had a job since.

She has lived a very comfortable life - children at a young age, divorced but remarried quickly so no change in her financial circumstances, moderately successful husband and kids at home until they left when she was 48. Since then she has spent the last 40+ years travelling, pottering and quite frankly stretching out daily chores into the day. She is part of a weird generation of mc women who expected to be cared for and probably never expected to work.

By contrast I have worked FT since leaving University, now a single parent, still working and juggling everything.

The fact that mum has never worked means she's lived in a real bubble, and has very skewed views about public life and the world of work. This causes huge rifts between us and really affects our relationship.

• She has very little concept of what work is like and the pressures of modern work so when I explain that I am stressed she thinks that it's my fault and I need to manage it.
• She doesn't understand that people need to do work outside of 9-5
• She has no real sense of what it's like to have someone instructing you/telling you what to do; she has literally been 'self guided' her entire life
• She thinks it's easy to get a job and promotion so doesn't understand why they aren't forthcoming for me or my siblings.
• She is deeply unproductive so thinks juggling means trying to do the dishes and laundry in the same morning and considers that 'busy-ness' to be on par with mine
• She is very naive about money and assumes everyone is on a relatively good wage. She doesn't understand why I can't go part-time.
• She dresses in organic frocks and proudly doesn't wear makeup or do her hair but her 'hippyness' is a privilege - she doesn't clock that other people actually have to look and dress professionally for work.
• She doesn't help me in any way - financially or with DCs - because she's always too busy doing nothing at all, but she's 'very busy'.

I know I should be grateful that she's not working in a factory to scrape by, but her naiviety means there's an entire aspects of my life she doesn't understand and over the years it's caused real tensions. I partly resent that she doesn't get it and partly resent that she's had such an easy ride that she takes for granted or really considers her due.

Posting just to see if anyone else has the same problem and how they made peace with it.

@Yummypumpkin

Exactly same here. In fact I suspect you're one of my brothers or sisters!

I learned that:

My mum actually missed out on a lot of great experiences by not working and a lot of validation and opportunity for independence. She makes it look easy but no life is without its challenges.

Focus on those topics where you can have a good mutual conversation. She doesn't need to get the world of work really so long as there are other things you can talk about.

Even if she had worked, it wouldn't change your sense of stress or frustration with work. So if you present work as a burden, her having to bear it wouldn't ease your load. She's not taken anything away from you.

Be conscious of envy and resentment as internal emotions rather than the logical inevitable result of someone else'sife choices or situation

Speak to your brothers and sisters to help you understand that your feelings are shared, it is a generational issue and not something personal to you and your mum

Try and keep a sense of humour

It is frustrating but over the years troubles me a lot less mainly cos of these ways I try and think about it.

This is great advice. 👏

YABU...you sound jealous of your mum's perceived easy life, tbh, which is a really unattractive trait.

You should be happy that she's happy and hasn't had to struggle.

It’s very easy to forget how limited the options were for women who are now over 75. Most left school at 15 and the expectation was to be married by their early twenties then give up work.

@Waferbiscuit is your stepfather still alive and in good health? If so, my advice would be to prepare yourself for what the future may hold if he becomes seriously ill or dies. Some women of your mother’s generation are completely clueless about financial and practical matters. They really can’t cope on their own as they’ve never had to manage.

Your DM may as well be a light-year away from you.

It must be very irritating and frustrating, but you need to compartmentalize this, because she will never see it from your point of view.

From the little you say about your upbringing and not wanting to help with her GC she sounds like quite a selfish self-absorbed person.

I don’t get why she has to be like you or had the exact same life experience for you to have a good relationship. My best friend of many years has been a SAHM for almost 20 years and by own admission hates working. She lives a similar life to your mother. We still love each other and get on we just don’t talk about work. Everyone is different. Every single person has different circumstances, life experience, finances, support systems, religious views etc etc. If you can only get on with people who are exactly like you then I kindly suggest the problem is you and not your mother. Your mother is a floaty hippie. So what. My mother is the same age as yours and is an outspoken racist. My best friends mother never expresses any opinion for fear of offending everyone. My husbands mother is a bible basher and buys my kids books about Jesus even though we are hugely against religion. We still love them and engage and seek to understand and foster a good relationship outside of the things that irk us. Just don’t talk to your mother about work. Engage professionals to help you with housework, childcare and don’t tell her. It’s none of her business how you live your life just as it’s none of your business how she lives her. Thank your lucky stars you don’t have the mother of one of my friends who just lost her driving licence through alcoholism and makes repeated suicidal threats. Maybe think to yourself of her good points because there are a lot worse out there

I'm thinking back to my childhood and which of my friends had mothers' who went out to work. About half and half, I would say - perhaps more were part-time. I don't know what people did about childcare though. I don't recall there being the sorts of (expensive) things available that there are now.
My friend's mother was a SAHM with a very high-earning husband. She expected to be comfortable in that marriage for ever, but he left her on the morning of their 25th wedding anniversary. She had never worked in her life, other than dabbling in music tuition and voluntarily running choirs and music ensembles. She had no option but to roll up her sleeves, when all her friends were winding theirs down, and crank up the tuition to full-time and she ended up making a very comfortable living for herself.

OP, what I find confusing here is that you say she has no concept of the world of work (stress, needing to stay after 5pm, how hard/easy it is to get promoted). Yet for her whole life she has been supported by husbands who work. Did she literally never talk to them about work or take any interest in their careers? Did both husbands have simple 9 to 5 jobs and were always home for tea?

@Pumperthepumper

I swear if I make it to 80 and my children whine I don’t do enough of their childcare while sneering at the amount of time I spent doing mine, I will absolutely lose my shit.

Ha! Absolutely.

I don't know if her being a womant/her generation/ a mother makes any difference. I would.imagine many people who have led a privileged life to this extent will be disconnected from reality.
And yes, it is irritating.

You've also only seen what you want to see or were allowed to see..you probably have no idea of the struggles she may have faced.

I doubt her life has been as stress free or as rosy as you seem to think.

"it’s quite frustrating when he’s harping on about the value of company loyalty or maximising our final salary pensions, and its completely irrelevant to life."

Sorry it is not - loyalty to the company you are working for at the time and doing your job - but not for life - better job comes along you move - and maximising your pension as much as you are able to, is absolutely relevant to current life.

Sounds like he actually has a better grip on long term working life than you. Putting in even a little bit into a pension throughout your working life is important - hence why my mother and father ( aged old buggers that they were) started pensions (SIPPS) for all their grandchildren - they did not buy plastic tat - present at Xmas and b day and as my Mum said everytime I considered plastic tat - we put the monies in their pension at the end of the month. The eldest grandchild now 21( pension not started till aged 7 - is sitting on a £200000+pension solely from their contributions and some vvv savvy investing decisions they made. Her friends are astounded and she is actually quite proud of the old buggers - and she has been contributing from her work since she was 17 and started a Saturday job.

Sorry you seem out of touch with current life not your parents

Not sure where that random apostrophe came from, sorry.

Sorry it is not - loyalty to the company you are working for at the time and doing your job - but not for life - better job comes along you move - and maximising your pension as much as you are able to, is absolutely relevant to current life.

Wasn't the point that loyalty isn't really reciprocated these days. Redundancy pay is pretty crap & pensions schemes are nowhere near as generous?

[quote Roo0987]@AnyOldPrion I agree with this...I feel like women have fought for equality in the workplace but now (with exceptions I’m sure) tend to still be housewives but with full time demanding jobs. This means there’s no-one left to do that pretty important job of raising a human being(s) if kids are involved it’s outsourced to grandparents or strangers through nurseries.[/quote]
Oh do fuck off with your "strangers in nurseries" shit. They don't staff them with a different random person off the street every day you know!

Putting in even a little bit into a pension throughout your working life is important - hence why my mother and father ( aged old buggers that they were) started pensions (SIPPS) for all their grandchildren - they did not buy plastic tat - present at Xmas and b day and as my Mum said everytime I considered plastic tat - we put the monies in their pension at the end of the month. The eldest grandchild now 21( pension not started till aged 7 - is sitting on a £200000+pension solely from their contributions and some vvv savvy investing decisions they made.

200k in 14 yrs? How much had they earmarked to spend on tat?!

Mid 1970s for microwaves . 1970 about half of households had washing machines. I remember my Gran's twin tub with hoses you had to attach to the sink .

Microwaves were not a general thing in the seventies. I was born in 70 and remember being overawed by a wealthy auntie having one. My mum had a twin tub, which wasn't labour free, she used to have to haul the soaking washing out of the washing bit and into the spinning bit. It had to be watched as the hoses would jump out of the sink and spew water everywhere. We didn't have a dryer until I was a late teen. My gran at that time still had a washer with mangle attached and she certainly wasn't low income. I'd left home before Mum bought a dishwasher. We also didn't have phone growing up.

I swear if I make it to 80 and my children whine I don’t do enough of their childcare while sneering at the amount of time I spent doing mine, I will absolutely lose my shit

I absolutely love this statement.

You're criticising her for having no understanding of your life ... whilst showing zero appreciation of the stresses and constraints she has had to live with. In fact, you sound like a 1950s husband or an MRA - 'oh look at the little woman at home, swanning around doing nothing'. That's never been the case for women at home.
It's also laughable that you think divorcing with children and getting remarried is a walk in the park. Have you read any of the threads on here?
Also there is no point complaining to your mum about your work. She thinks you want her advice because you're bringing a problem to her. You don't want her advice. You want her sympathy. Either you need to set that parameter clearly at the beginning of the conversation or you have to accept your mum will want to solve your problems so she isn't the person to go to with complaints looking for sympathy. You're shockingly lacking in empathy and very closed-minded and ignorant about some aspects of working life (as well as family life, married life ...)

My mother is the same age as yours and is an outspoken racist

Wow, how do you reconcile that?

@Pumperthepumper

I swear if I make it to 80 and my children whine I don’t do enough of their childcare while sneering at the amount of time I spent doing mine, I will absolutely lose my shit.

This.
I have never expected family to help, although our constant relocations have meant it's never really been an option.

Havent read the full thread. My Dhs mum worked most of her life but she still asks dh if his manager leaves work for him in his in-tray . Generational differences, parents and in-laws usually annoy regardless of whether they've worked since leaving education or not. Be happy that your mum has had a comfortable life and I hope , as a child, you have benefitted from her decisions. She chose how to live her life and you've chosen how to live yours. Now don't moan about your choice to your mum or to anybody else. If she doesn't understand , talk to her about something that she does understand and keep it light.

My mum was the same. Never worked anything more than very part time jobs for very few years in her lifetime since having kids but then hint about the state of our house when I was trying to juggle four young kids with working nights and weekends around by husband in one of the most stressful jobs imaginable !

My gran at that time still had a washer with mangle attached and she certainly wasn't low income. I'd left home before Mum bought a dishwasher. We also didn't have phone growing up.

I didn't buy a dryer until I had my 2nd dc in my 30s & only had a dishwasher in my 30s too. Lots of people don't have these things now for a variety of reasons.

I don’t think it’s your mum’s fault or responsibility as essentially she made decisions for her life and you made ones for yours and I wouldn’t really hold her to account for different circumstances except for not being more sensitive/ aware that it’s not easy on your own? I can totally understand it must feel hard which is a different thing and most mums would be more conscious of this and hopefully try to support a bit - but have seen a friend who’s a single mum eaten up with resentment against her family and it seems sad to scapegoat them when in this case they do support her even financially.

I just feel sorry for women like this. They are totally at the mercy of the men they attach themselves to. It’s a small sad life.