Resent that mum never worked/had a job - causing rifts between us

[Waferbiscuit]

My mother married right out of University and since then has been a SAHM/SAHW. She only ever held one job, over the summer, when she was 20 and and has never had a job since.

She has lived a very comfortable life - children at a young age, divorced but remarried quickly so no change in her financial circumstances, moderately successful husband and kids at home until they left when she was 48. Since then she has spent the last 40+ years travelling, pottering and quite frankly stretching out daily chores into the day. She is part of a weird generation of mc women who expected to be cared for and probably never expected to work.

By contrast I have worked FT since leaving University, now a single parent, still working and juggling everything.

The fact that mum has never worked means she's lived in a real bubble, and has very skewed views about public life and the world of work. This causes huge rifts between us and really affects our relationship.

• She has very little concept of what work is like and the pressures of modern work so when I explain that I am stressed she thinks that it's my fault and I need to manage it.
• She doesn't understand that people need to do work outside of 9-5
• She has no real sense of what it's like to have someone instructing you/telling you what to do; she has literally been 'self guided' her entire life
• She thinks it's easy to get a job and promotion so doesn't understand why they aren't forthcoming for me or my siblings.
• She is deeply unproductive so thinks juggling means trying to do the dishes and laundry in the same morning and considers that 'busy-ness' to be on par with mine
• She is very naive about money and assumes everyone is on a relatively good wage. She doesn't understand why I can't go part-time.
• She dresses in organic frocks and proudly doesn't wear makeup or do her hair but her 'hippyness' is a privilege - she doesn't clock that other people actually have to look and dress professionally for work.
• She doesn't help me in any way - financially or with DCs - because she's always too busy doing nothing at all, but she's 'very busy'.

I know I should be grateful that she's not working in a factory to scrape by, but her naiviety means there's an entire aspects of my life she doesn't understand and over the years it's caused real tensions. I partly resent that she doesn't get it and partly resent that she's had such an easy ride that she takes for granted or really considers her due.

Posting just to see if anyone else has the same problem and how they made peace with it.

The point is that yes she has been at home and seems to have a comfortable life.However she has also missed out on building a pension, a Career of her own (when many of her contemporaries must have been involved in Womens Rights movements and so on) .Many older women were brought up to marry "well" and they would never have to work again ,as though it were a good thing! Independence is a hard won thing ,and your DM may not have had choices in the same way as if she worked .You say she doesnt offer help with looking after DC or financially? She shouldnt really be expected to either of course , its nice if she does but shouldnt be a right . Different generations have different outlooks on life ,thats all

Could have written this post op

I've been keeping her at arms length to be honest because every time I see her she seems to spew how tired and stressed she's been after she's told me about the four lunches out and the shopping trip she's had that week

She's also a victim mentality and I've given up trying to explain real life to her now.

My dad still works three days a week while awaiting heart surgery but she still won't even get a little job so he can stop worrying about money when he's recovering.

She's a twat

My MIL is the same. She worked for 3 months and the day she got married was the day she stopped working altogether. She was given "housekeeping" money by FIL but had no money of her own. FIL took care of everything. Now she is on her own she doesn't have a clue! She doesn't understand why I work! She doesn't understand that if working nightshirts that you have to sleep during the day!! She doesn't get it that she is responsible for the insurance on her own home etc. She behaves as if now her husband has died she wants her son back to take care of it all so she can spend her days doing nothing!

My mum is like this. She worked as a typist before she had me at 28 and then that was her a housewife for the rest of her days. She has no concept of the world of work and how things have been over the last 40 odd years. She assumed that you could sleep at your desk! Also she and my grandmother are frequently surprised that I don't have time to do loads of housework or slave over a stove making lots of homemade meals.

Funnily enough she once told me that she'd be offered a job over me despite having no experience or qualifications! That was a weird conversation

Why on earth resent someone who had a nice life? And why demean a stay at home mum? You really do sound bitter that you don’t have the same lifestyle.

I don't think that's what the OP is saying. I've been lucky that my mum has always supported me to work but as @anotherworkingsunday says it's when their no acknowledgement to recognise that times have changed. My aunt thinks it odd I don't have a 1.5m house but am privileged enough to have a cleaner.

@Waferbiscuit I don’t know if it helps at all - but DHs mum didn’t work much. His dad did. His dad is now in his mid-70s, and so much of what he understands about the world of work is wrong now that it’s quite frustrating when he’s harping on about the value of company loyalty or maximising our final salary pensions, and its completely irrelevant to life.

MIL keeps crying over the idea that I won’t give up my job when our baby arrives, she finds the idea insane. She took eight months off when DH was born; went back for a few months and then quit, and was a SAHM from then on… she also keeps giving us random, very outdated baby advice.

It’s a nod-and-smile situation for a lot of us; even if our parents/parents in law did work

My aunt spent 6 wks at her holiday home abroad & when she came back she had to go to a hotel for a weekend as she was exhausted 😆

I swear if I make it to 80 and my children whine I don’t do enough of their childcare while sneering at the amount of time I spent doing mine, I will absolutely lose my shit.

My feeling is that the problem with women working full time, as many of us do now, is that though the world of work changed enough to accept women into it, the way it’s organised didn’t change much, so that women are fitting into a world that was largely set up for men who had a woman looking after them.

I find myself frustrated over this regularly. Working full-time in a high stress job, while looking after the household (the majority of women do a lot more childcare and housework than their husbands or partners) is incredibly tough.

And I look at my life, and think about the life I hoped for (women were told they could have everything) and compare it with the life I have now, and I do envy my mum, who did work, but was never pressured to have a career.

But that’s also because my mum had a stable and loving relationship in which she was supported. Indeed when we were nearly grown, she went and got herself a degree, which she’d not been allowed to pursue when young. Had she had an awful relationship, but had been stuck in it because she had no money and no chance of leaving, then her life would have been pretty awful. Like you, I’m a single mother with a full-time job, which is not great, but still better than being tied to an abusive partner.

Not my mum, no, because she went back to work full-time in the mid-60s when I was three, which was quite unusual for those times, I think, especially for a middle-class woman with a reasonably-paid husband.
But my sister often suggests I should quit my job. Despite being very bright, she's never really had a career and dabbled in a range of low-ish level jobs, mainly being a SAHM. I got my first paid job at 14 and have worked non-stop ever since. Not sure how I feel about retirement looming.

I think you're being a bit harsh!

You do realise, that when she was a SAHM she won't have had most of the mod cons that we have now. Life was much harder without washing machines/microwaves/internet/home deliveries etc : it was back breaking work.

Unless she's an absolute cow, just be thankful, that at 80 years old she is happy and has a nice life! I'm shocked that you would begrudge an 80 year old a peaceful life. And as a PP said, at 80, doing little jobs is very tiring - my 79 y/o Dad cannot do much at all for himself.

I don't have my Mum any more, and you probably won't have yours for too much longer, so please try to enjoy what time you do have left.

Don’t forget that raising kids full time is an (undervalued) but important job in itself...I have the opposite problem in that my single mum was a workaholic who went back to work when I was 6 weeks old and sent me to a childminder! She’s extremely successful but can’t say we have much of a close bond....

I do get where you’re coming from though but some of that might be generational differences too. Even if she had gone back to work there are still likely things you wouldn’t see eye to eye on.

Different generations different values.

It was the norm then and times have changed - that does not make it wrong, just time appropriate.

My Mum who would now be have been 80 next year - worked for all but 7 yrs -when she had 3 kids. She went back to work when my youngest sib was 3. I can tell you, she was in a minority and ostracised by the local mothers for he progressive attitude and wanting to work. My father was pitied because she went to work.

You do realise, that when she was a SAHM she won't have had most of the mod cons that we have now. Life was much harder without washing machines/microwaves/internet/home deliveries etc : it was back breaking work.

When did washing machines & microwaves become the norm? my mum & aunt are early 70s & we had these things growing up.

Thank you
@DrSbaitso, @Waferbiscuit and @TReXX

I almost didn’t post as it is so personal and cuts deep. But I felt my DM deserves for younger women to know that some women of her generation did not choose to be kept wives and mothers and that it had really severe impact on their mental health and destroyed their sense of self-worth.

I don't think the Op was 'demeaning' a SAHP. Simply pointing out that it's a very different life, and someone who hasn't had to work (especially if in a demanding job) as well as look after a home and children doesn't have a concept of how stressful it can be.

I admit to some envy of my friends who were able to SAH (although in honesty I don't think it would have been for me, and now we're all much older and children all adults I'm definitely grateful, as are my DC).

But comparing the lives of those who worked FT, those who worked PT and those who didn't do paid work at all, our lives were very different, and the amount of stress and busyness was generally related to the amout of hours we did paid work, and how stressful that paid job was.

All different approaches, none of them wrong or right, but it can be frustrating when someone assumes you have more time than you do, or that you could simply choose not to work those hours.

@Waferbiscuit

Thx all for your comments. I appreciate there is not much I can change in this situation - certainly not the mindset of my mother - so it really must be me who changes their mindset. I think I just wanted to put my feelings out there to see if anyone else felt the same and/or dealt with similar situations.

I am baffled that our culture produced a whole generation of women who lived in a bit of a bubble - certainly like that for my mom and her friends. Not sure the value of it at all!

It didn't though - that was just your Mum and some others . Mine was born 1935 and worked from the age of 14 then when married at whatever part time and full time jobs she was able to get to supplement the family income .

I had the opposite!

My DM worked, because she had to, she left my dad and went back to her parents. All so far so good.

However she was ambitious and kept going for promotion, which meant that I kept changing schools. I ended up with a big bald patch from pulling my hair out.

Fast forward to my parenting time and she couldn't get how I could give up a well paid career to be a SAHM. And when I was enjoying being a TA kept wittering on about why I should be a teacher with my education not a TA. In the end I caved, did a PGCE and hated it. Put on 3 stone in a year.

I'm now happily in a minimum wage admin job that I can do standing on my head. She has finally shut up when we had a major row and I pointed out her failings for once rather than just keeping quiet.

My point is, people make life choices. We shouldn't be criticising others' choices if it works for them and they are happy.

@Pumperthepumper

I swear if I make it to 80 and my children whine I don’t do enough of their childcare while sneering at the amount of time I spent doing mine, I will absolutely lose my shit.

Now this really did make me lol.

And I agree

I swear if I make it to 80 and my children whine I don’t do enough of their childcare while sneering at the amount of time I spent doing mine, I will absolutely lose my shit.

I hate whiners & just blame the parents 😆

My mother never worked outside the house but I never 'resented' her for it - why would I? Can you not accept the generational divide?

You have stresses she can't understand but you also have opportunities she will never enjoy.

@PlanDeRaccordement it is important & I actually really wrestled with myself because I chose to work & the narrative is often mums only work because they have too. I found mat leave incredibly difficult near the end & I like the structure & space of work.

@AnyOldPrion I agree with this...I feel like women have fought for equality in the workplace but now (with exceptions I’m sure) tend to still be housewives but with full time demanding jobs. This means there’s no-one left to do that pretty important job of raising a human being(s) if kids are involved it’s outsourced to grandparents or strangers through nurseries.

@dongke

You do realise, that when she was a SAHM she won't have had most of the mod cons that we have now. Life was much harder without washing machines/microwaves/internet/home deliveries etc : it was back breaking work.

When did washing machines & microwaves become the norm? my mum & aunt are early 70s & we had these things growing up.

Mid 1970s for microwaves . 1970 about half of households had washing machines. I remember my Gran's twin tub with hoses you had to attach to the sink .