Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you expect your DH to check on you if

121 replies

Energy4You · 08/10/2021 15:13

I think I’ve completely lost the sense of what is normal or not.

A few days ago, DH noticed something strange on my skin. It’s somewhere a bit harder to see for me so I hadn’t noticed. He mentioned that really I needed to have it checked out which I agreed.

That was a few days ago. DH hasn’t asked how I was, if I had managed to get an appointment. Nothing.
In reality, I’ve had a bit of backward and forward with the surgery. Then I had an eConsult followed by a F2F appointment on the same day. Everything is fine. I was really worried about skin cancer (mole changing colour) so I’m relieved to say the least.
But nowI feel let down that he didn’t ask anything about it.

OP posts:
SpangoDweller · 08/10/2021 15:35

Possibly, but if he’s mentioned it then I’d just tell him, not wait for him to ask.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2021 15:36

Why didn’t you tell him about your appointment?

Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 15:41

Honestly because he has never been there to support me when things are a struggle (hospital appointments amd the like) so I am used to just get in with it in my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 15:43

It just that this time I realised that I always ask him how things are going/support him when he is struggling (eg his knee hurts, he is in hospital etc…) but I cannot remember him returning the favour

OP posts:
SpangoDweller · 08/10/2021 15:53

@Energy4You

Honestly because he has never been there to support me when things are a struggle (hospital appointments amd the like) so I am used to just get in with it in my own.
So he notices something and urges you to get it checked out, then what? Tbh making an appointment and going to it is up to you - not sure how involved he could be in that stage. Different if you’d been to a GP who had been concerned and referred you - a bit of emotional and practical support would obviously be required then.

Still not sure what’s stopping you from saying “by the way, it was a bit of a pain in the arse but I managed to get an appointment finally” and then “had an appointment, all’s well, hurrah”. If he has always done this and you feel unsupported, have you told him this?

TheChip · 08/10/2021 15:58

Just because you behave in a certain way with things, doesn't mean others will behave in that same way.

He did the most important thing to be honest. He alerted you to something and told you that you need to get it checked out.
I'm sure he assumes that if it was anything to worry about that you would tell him.

Have you told him what kind of support you would like with these things?
I am not very in your face supportive with people, but that doesn't mean I don't care. I rely on people to tell me if they need me for something, otherwise I feel like I'm intruding.

Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 15:59

Oh yes told him many many times…. Why wouldn’t I?

I somehow doubt he would have been of any help emotionally or practically if I had needed a referral. He never has.

OP posts:
Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 16:00

@TheChip, you feel you are intruding even with your life long partner??

OP posts:
TheChip · 08/10/2021 16:03

[quote Energy4You]@TheChip, you feel you are intruding even with your life long partner??[/quote]
No, personally I wouldn't. Not with a partner. I'd ask if they wanted me to accompany to appointments etc.
I was just trying to give a different perspective of how your partner could view it.

SpangoDweller · 08/10/2021 16:11

@Energy4You well, you said he hadn’t asked you about it, but if you told him then he would have no need to ask.

If you feel generally unsupported at difficult times then you need to say this to him. At a calm time, sit down and tell him that it makes you feel more supported if he asked you how things are going when you’re stressed.

My DH is the opposite and hates being asked questions about tricky work issues or family disputes (he has a large, dramatic family). I am a natural problem solver so always used to suggest things and analyse it, but turns out he just wanted me to say “oh no, how awful for you” and that was it.

Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 16:15

I personally never propose solutions tbh. But I think that’s different than just checking if everything is ok.

Tbh saying ‘oh no that’s awful’ would be better than saying nothing at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 16:17

@AnneLovesGilbert, my issue is why is it that he will not take any interest in things that are important, like a potential health issue in the first place?

OP posts:
TheAverageUser · 08/10/2021 16:20

No I wouldn't expect him to in that instance, the next chat should/ would for me have been me telling my DH about the appointment. If I told him about that then I'd expect him to ask how it went etc...

TheChip · 08/10/2021 16:21

But he did, by alerting you to a potential issue that you wouldn't have otherwise noticed. He just doesn't take an interest the same way you would.
If he wasn't interested, he would have just brushed off what he noticed, but he told you that you need to get it checked.
For him to notice a small difference in a small area on your body, shows that he takes more interest in you that you realise. A lot of men don't even notice women getting their hair done.
Personally I think you should be thanking him.

Kite22 · 08/10/2021 16:23

He did. He alerted you to something you hadn't noticed, and encouraged you to get it checked out.

What I would ask is why didn't you then say "Oh, I've managed to get an appt - they are going to call me back this afternoon" or whatever.

skatewanker · 08/10/2021 16:24

He's probably expecting you to tell him if there's a problem, as an adult would.

Why didn't you just tell him?

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 08/10/2021 16:25

You’re looking to have an argument with him or get in a mood with him about it.

Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 16:25

He doesn’t noticed a new haircut either lol!

OP posts:
Reallyimeanreally2022 · 08/10/2021 16:26

I send a big drip feed coming because we haven’t agreed with you

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 08/10/2021 16:27

Sense

Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 16:28

Why some drip feed? I don’t need any!

As I said in my op, I’ve lost sense of what is and isn’t normal….

OP posts:
MintJulia · 08/10/2021 16:29

You sound like you are playing stupid games to me.

He expressed concern and suggested you get it checked. Once you've got the appt, tell him you have done as he suggested. Then when you get the result, tell him so he needn't worry.
Maybe he doesn't like fuss or attention seeking.

TheChip · 08/10/2021 16:31

Well for what it's worth, I say your husband has acted in a normal manner.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 08/10/2021 16:32

@Energy4You

Why some drip feed? I don’t need any!

As I said in my op, I’ve lost sense of what is and isn’t normal….

Well it’s not normal

To get an all clear from a potentially fatal disease

And then get in an arse with the person who alerted you to the suspicious Mile and suggested you get checked out but hasn’t checked up with you did over last few days.

That is not my “normal”. That is pursuing a argument unnecessarily

Avarua · 08/10/2021 16:34

It's passive aggressive to want something, not ask for it, then get moody when you don't get it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread