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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you expect your DH to check on you if

121 replies

Energy4You · 08/10/2021 15:13

I think I’ve completely lost the sense of what is normal or not.

A few days ago, DH noticed something strange on my skin. It’s somewhere a bit harder to see for me so I hadn’t noticed. He mentioned that really I needed to have it checked out which I agreed.

That was a few days ago. DH hasn’t asked how I was, if I had managed to get an appointment. Nothing.
In reality, I’ve had a bit of backward and forward with the surgery. Then I had an eConsult followed by a F2F appointment on the same day. Everything is fine. I was really worried about skin cancer (mole changing colour) so I’m relieved to say the least.
But nowI feel let down that he didn’t ask anything about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 19:50

@TheChip

But it is normal behaviour from him. OP doesn't like it, but she knows this is what he is like. Its now up to OP to decide whether she wants to continue in a relationship with someone who can't give her what she needs or not.
The fact that it’s normal behaviour from him doesn’t mean it’s an acceptable behaviour though.

That’s why I wanted the pov of outsiders.

It seems some people would also expect him to double check how things were going. So clearly there are at least two ways to look at it.
Other possibilities are

  • falling out of love (not sure as this has ALWAYS been like this)
  • he is selfish (I also don’t think that’s the case)
  • he is emotional stunned etc…. (More likely)
OP posts:
Reallyimeanreally2022 · 08/10/2021 19:52

@theresastormcoming

OP, I can relate to how you feel.

I had an accident about 6 weeks ago. My husband stood and watched as I fell from a height of approx 10 feet. I lay there for a minute while he looked down at me in disdain and then continued working around me. When I got up, my knee was in agony. I finished the job we were working on somehow, I was running on adrenaline I think. I drove myself to hospital the next day, my knee was dislocated. The incident was not commented upon at the time, and not once since.

This bares no resemblance to the op’s situation whatever

Your partner is psychotic

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 08/10/2021 19:52

and not since

So you’re still with him?

Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 19:56

Now @Reallyimeanreally2022 if I start going in that sort if explanation, you are going to tell me I’m drip feeding WinkWink

There is a reason why I’m seeing a counsellor atm!

OP posts:
sospspsp · 08/10/2021 20:02

I can relate to this - a guy I was dating had a minor op, he asked me to drive him to the hospital and pick him up and look after him for the day.
A month later coincidentally I had the same minor op (although in fact mine was more severe). He didn't take the day off work - it really didn't occur to him, and I drove myself to the appointment and back again and looked after myself for the day.

We're not dating anymore, I mean, what's the point?

toocold54 · 08/10/2021 20:05

@sospspsp did you ask him to take the day off or to drive you to the appointment?

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 08/10/2021 20:06

@Energy4You

Now *@Reallyimeanreally2022* if I start going in that sort if explanation, you are going to tell me I’m drip feeding WinkWink

There is a reason why I’m seeing a counsellor atm!

Sorry that “and you’re still with him” was addressed to the poster with the partner displaying psychopathic behaviour
Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 20:11

Sorry @Reallyimeanreally2022, I misunderstood!

Having said that, I’d agree this could apply to me too :) but yes that guy is crazy (and unsafe)

OP posts:
Mantlemoose · 08/10/2021 20:17

My question was more
Wouldn’t you check how your partner is doing re getting any appointment for something potentially very serious if they haven’t told you (for whatever reason - they are many possibilities there really)
No, I would assume they were a sensible adult and made the appointment and there was nothing to tell.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/10/2021 21:15

I'm kind of 50/50 on this particular incident op. I don't personally like a fuss made if I'm unwell. However it's clear you want more support than he's giving you.

Do you have children with him?

Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 21:21

Yep. Two who are near adults/going to uni.

OP posts:
FindingMeno · 08/10/2021 21:24

Honestly I'd be surprised if my dh noticed if my head was hanging on by a thread.
He noticed something and urged you to get it checked out.
He probably thinks you'll update him.

TheChip · 08/10/2021 21:30

Not acceptable to you, but its also not acceptable for you to expect him to change who he is to fit better with what you find acceptable.
Its up to you whether you can accept who he is and how he handles these things. Changing him doesn't seem to be an option.

He could be emotionally stunted, or it could just be how he has been brought up. You behave the same way your parents do, and maybe dh does the same as his.

Hattie765 · 08/10/2021 21:36

Are you 12? He will have naturally assumed, as you hadn't mentioned it you've had no news, like a normal person 🙄

Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 21:47

@TheChip, it’s a relationship we are talking about here, not a business transaction.
That means we are interdependent and the happiness of one person impacts the other.

Of course, I can’t impose anything on him but neither can he.
I do not have any reason to accept that his way ‘just because’ if it doesn’t work for me.
He also might decide that if using his ways mean the relationship is over, then it’s worth making the effort because the marriage is more important than than that.

Basically, it’s supposed to be compromise on the needs of both people. Not just me getting on with it because that’s who he is. Don’t I have the option to ‘be who I am ‘ and expect him to do things my way too?

OP posts:
Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 21:48

@Hattie765 obviously different people would have different reactions and would come to different conclusions.
Nothing to do with my age :) or his or yours for that matter.

OP posts:
TheChip · 08/10/2021 21:59

And obviously with how things are between you both, happiness is being impacted.

Of course the same applies if you reverse it. You always have the option to be who you are. You being you either fits well with him or it doesn't. It doesn't appear that him being who he is fits well with you.
That doesn't mean you are wrong, or he is wrong. Neither of you. Its a difference in personalities that happens to clash.

My point is, he is not changing his ways no matter how many times you have mentioned that it bothers you, so it is leaving you with the option of accepting it, or walking away.

feeficken · 09/10/2021 07:02

From a man’s perspective if I found something on my partner I felt concerned enough to advise to get checked I’d 100% follow up if an appointment had been made or it had been checked. Infact I would probably go one further if it was something that could be potentially life threatening and ensure I asked if she would like me to accompany her to the appointment, I mean for me that would just be the norm of what should happen in a relationship 🤷‍♂️.

It bewilders me honestly those posting about falling, hospital visits being ill etc and their partners being unsupportive, are these not the times when you should have each other’s backs and step up when the need arises.

Why2why · 09/10/2021 07:15

Sounds like you want to find something to fight about. Just get a divorce and spare you and him the intervening drama.

You appear to suggest that you are seeing a counsellor because of him. If it’s that bad, then leave.

category12 · 09/10/2021 07:28

@theresastormcoming

OP, I can relate to how you feel.

I had an accident about 6 weeks ago. My husband stood and watched as I fell from a height of approx 10 feet. I lay there for a minute while he looked down at me in disdain and then continued working around me. When I got up, my knee was in agony. I finished the job we were working on somehow, I was running on adrenaline I think. I drove myself to hospital the next day, my knee was dislocated. The incident was not commented upon at the time, and not once since.

Are you leaving him?
category12 · 09/10/2021 07:29

Op, as per pp, if you need counselling to stay in the relationship, you'd be better off out of it.

nobodyelsewill · 09/10/2021 08:06

@Energy4You

I think I’ve completely lost the sense of what is normal or not.

A few days ago, DH noticed something strange on my skin. It’s somewhere a bit harder to see for me so I hadn’t noticed. He mentioned that really I needed to have it checked out which I agreed.

That was a few days ago. DH hasn’t asked how I was, if I had managed to get an appointment. Nothing.
In reality, I’ve had a bit of backward and forward with the surgery. Then I had an eConsult followed by a F2F appointment on the same day. Everything is fine. I was really worried about skin cancer (mole changing colour) so I’m relieved to say the least.
But nowI feel let down that he didn’t ask anything about it.

Hi this would definitely bother me, I posted something similar I had found a lump in my breast I went to see the doctor he was concerned and referred me to the hospital with a two week wait unfortunately we were due to go on holiday at the same time, I told my partner we would have to go just for a few days or cancel the holiday, he just said it will be fine another week won't hurt just book it for when we get back, I totally regret doing that now as it could have been serious, made me realise how selfish he is. I completely agree with you he could have asked how your appointment went or how you are, it's just very uncaring to me, hope your ok.
AnotherEmma · 09/10/2021 08:10

@theresastormcoming

OP, I can relate to how you feel.

I had an accident about 6 weeks ago. My husband stood and watched as I fell from a height of approx 10 feet. I lay there for a minute while he looked down at me in disdain and then continued working around me. When I got up, my knee was in agony. I finished the job we were working on somehow, I was running on adrenaline I think. I drove myself to hospital the next day, my knee was dislocated. The incident was not commented upon at the time, and not once since.

Please LTB
Original poster
Energy4You · 09/10/2021 08:17

@category12 that’s a very weird way to look at counselling.

Problems in a relationship can be due to many reasons, some of which can be due to your way of reacting. I happen to think that some of them can be changed and are not just ‘who you are’. And that others are more non negociable.
In my case, my relationship is just one of many things going on but that’s beside the point really.

@feeficken, thank you. That’s very much the sort of thing I would expect too

Still fascinated to see the range of reactions :)

OP posts:
starrynight21 · 09/10/2021 08:26

Stop playing games. My DH is devoted to me - he'd certainly tell me if I had a skin problem. But after that, it would be up to me to say "Oh by the way I saw the doc about that skin problem, he said it's OK". Isn't that what people do ?