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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you expect your DH to check on you if

121 replies

Energy4You · 08/10/2021 15:13

I think I’ve completely lost the sense of what is normal or not.

A few days ago, DH noticed something strange on my skin. It’s somewhere a bit harder to see for me so I hadn’t noticed. He mentioned that really I needed to have it checked out which I agreed.

That was a few days ago. DH hasn’t asked how I was, if I had managed to get an appointment. Nothing.
In reality, I’ve had a bit of backward and forward with the surgery. Then I had an eConsult followed by a F2F appointment on the same day. Everything is fine. I was really worried about skin cancer (mole changing colour) so I’m relieved to say the least.
But nowI feel let down that he didn’t ask anything about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 16:36

I’ve stopped having arguments a long time ago @Reallyimeanreally2022.

But I realise that I’m reading his reactions in a certain way because of all the back history (mentioned above btw Wink).
It made me wonder why I don’t feel like telling him anything.

I agree btw that it should have been him telling me about the change, me telling him about appointment and then him asking about the result of said appointment.
Personally, I would have asked if dh hadnt been telling me about making an appointment. Something along the lines of ‘you said you were going to make an appointment. Did you manage to get through reception?’ just because it’s so hard work atm to get to see a GP.

OP posts:
Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 16:44

@Avarua, I didn’t get moody.
I didn’t ask for anything because I’ve stopped expecting to be of any support in those cases.
That’s something I would have expected to happen because I would expect that to happen in any loving relationship. That’s what I wouod do. That’s what I’ve seen people around me to do too.
Eg if I was saying to my mum I had noticed some issue with a mole, she would ask me the next time I see her how things were going.
If it was my dad she would ask him if he had managed to get an appointment etc….

That wasn’t my question at all.

My question was more
Wouldn’t you check how your partner is doing re getting any appointment for something potentially very serious if they haven’t told you (for whatever reason - they are many possibilities there really)

OP posts:
altmember · 08/10/2021 16:46

A few days ago? That sounds pretty rapid to have got an appointment, been seen and given the all clear, considering everyone keeps saying the NHS is on it's knees and I know people who are waiting 2-3 weeks to get a GP appointment round here.

So given the timescales, perhaps your husband thought it too soon for there to have been any progress/news. And if he'd been reminding/asking about it every day, he'd probably feel like he was nagging or causing you excess worry.

Glad you've been given the all clear, and I'm sure he is too, even if he doesn't break out the champagne to celebrate it! If you've always found him a bit emotionally detached in other ways, then perhaps that's just the way he is.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 08/10/2021 16:50

It’s fundamentally not a happy marriage is it OP.

Kite22 · 08/10/2021 16:52

You say that wasn't your question, but, people are pointing out that your question wouldn't need to be a 'thing' in most relationships, because the one who was making the appt (ie, you) would have told the one who noticed the potential issue (ie him) when there was news to tell
Asking about if you have made the appt each day, just sounds like nagging, and would be annoying.

Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 16:57

They were amazing @altmember serioulsy. That’s the first thing I said to the GP when I saw them!

Our surgery has appointment on the day, possibility to book ahead but there was nothing available until November or an eConsult.
After some discussion with reception, I filled the eConsult, send some photos and the GP contacted me to come in on the day.
Tbh I found it scary (I assumed it was the sign of something really bad) but she said only a few GPs in the surgery deal with skin stuff and this was the most convenient for her 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
SpangoDweller · 08/10/2021 16:57

@Kite22

You say that wasn't your question, but, people are pointing out that your question wouldn't need to be a 'thing' in most relationships, because the one who was making the appt (ie, you) would have told the one who noticed the potential issue (ie him) when there was news to tell Asking about if you have made the appt each day, just sounds like nagging, and would be annoying.
@Kite22 has made the same point much more succinctly than I!

My answer to your last question is no - if DH told me he was making an appointment for something, I would just leave it at that until he told me an update. Maybe if I felt he was trying to pretend it wasn’t happening, I’d ask again. But in general, no.

Agree with other posters that say if you’re framing this as “losing sight of what’s normal”, are there other things going on?

Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 16:58

@Reallyimeanreally2022, no it’s not.

Which is why I’m losing sight or what is and isn’t normal!

OP posts:
Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 17:00

@SpangoDweller lots of things.

Including the fact he has never shown any support materially, let alone emotionally when I have been ill.
It felt like a rerun of many previous instances.

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EssexLioness · 08/10/2021 17:15

I think your husband has behaved normally but your reaction is less so. Surely most people would just mention they had an appointment. You gave an example of how your mum would deal with it and frankly that sounds very abnormal to me too and stinks of micromanaging her husband, who is an adult and doesn’t need that level of input. I think because of this, maybe your expectations are unrealistic

EssexLioness · 08/10/2021 17:16

Cross posted, I can see why you are reading too much into this given that you feel generally unsupported by him

gannett · 08/10/2021 17:23

[quote Energy4You]@SpangoDweller lots of things.

Including the fact he has never shown any support materially, let alone emotionally when I have been ill.
It felt like a rerun of many previous instances.[/quote]
Sounds like the bigger picture is a problem.

I honestly can't see anything abnormal about his reaction in this particular situation but you might want to zoom out a bit if this is a pattern - it's not normal to never feel supported emotionally.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 08/10/2021 17:43

[quote Energy4You]@Reallyimeanreally2022, no it’s not.

Which is why I’m losing sight or what is and isn’t normal![/quote]
But if it’s not a happy marriage

Has it become happy now that majority have said it is “normal”?

Point is. If you’re unhappy, you’re unhappy. No point asking strangers whether a particular incident is “normal” or not

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 08/10/2021 17:44

[quote Energy4You]@SpangoDweller lots of things.

Including the fact he has never shown any support materially, let alone emotionally when I have been ill.
It felt like a rerun of many previous instances.[/quote]
Well there we have it

You’d have been better off starting a thread about all the issues in your marriage

Rather than asking if one incident was normal or not

Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 18:35

@Reallyimeanreally2022 that was there in my second post though.

And yes I could start another thread but I actually have a very nice counsellor I’m working with to look at all the other issues!

What is more helpful for me is the idea that some people would see asking if you’ve been able to get an appointment as micromanaging when, for me, this is one of the most normal in the world to do, esp if this is something you know could be serious.

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IrishMel · 08/10/2021 18:36

I do not think he is acting normal. Any sane person who cared would ask how your appointment went or text you in the day to see how you are. He sounds very selfish. Next time he has an ailment do not follow up on how he is (unless something serious) see what he says. Bet he comes to you looking for attention and asking why did you not ask how he is. Most men do not notice new haircuts even my son unless you were to shave your head or die it bright pink. There seems to be a communication issue here and you feel neglected. Is he one of those types that has loads to say to everyone else but not to you. Hope you are ok.

Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 18:38

Also interesting the idea that asking if you manage to get an appointment could be seen as nagging.

Again, not something that as ever crossed my mind. For me nagging is asking everyday and ‘checking’ on people until whatever you wanted has happened.

It seems that a lot (most?) people have a different idea of what being a partnership means with a much more individualist view than I have.

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IrishMel · 08/10/2021 18:41

Why are so many saying his behaviour is normal. For me as a caring partner or even a mother surely you would ask how did the appointment go when you were the one who pointed it out in the first place. Are so many living with selfish men. Yes also normal for her mum to ask how did appointment go. Good you have someone to talk to and he is selfish if does not give you emotional support in life as he is meant to be the one person who is there for you.

sunnyzweibrucken · 08/10/2021 18:55

I guess i'm in the minority but i would expect my partner to ask me/follow up with me about a concerning medical issue. I dated someone who never asked how I was feeling whenever I told him I was sick, or asked how my appointments went, or showed any real concern when i was ill/hurt/had a medical issue and it made me feel like he didn't care about my well being at all.

On the other hand, whenever he or his children were sick i would always ask about him/them as I think any loving partner would do so.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 08/10/2021 19:03

If it’s an unhappy marriage and the two of you aren’t loving and close
Then why are you surprised he didn’t follow up? Sounds as though it’s pretty surprising he even commented on it and suggested you seek advice

TheChip · 08/10/2021 19:05

But it is normal behaviour from him. OP doesn't like it, but she knows this is what he is like.
Its now up to OP to decide whether she wants to continue in a relationship with someone who can't give her what she needs or not.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 08/10/2021 19:08

@TheChip

But it is normal behaviour from him. OP doesn't like it, but she knows this is what he is like. Its now up to OP to decide whether she wants to continue in a relationship with someone who can't give her what she needs or not.
This
theresastormcoming · 08/10/2021 19:29

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

toocold54 · 08/10/2021 19:30

Neither of you are in the wrong.
You would like someone to ask how you are and be more attentive.
Whereas he is the type that thinks if there’s a problem you’d let him know.

You just have different personalities. If he didn’t care about you he wouldn’t have told you to get checked out.
Why not say to him you are worried about it and explain what’s been happening and he might give you some more deserved attention. He’s not a mind reader so you’re going to have to communicate more with him if you want him to communicate more with you.

Original poster
Energy4You · 08/10/2021 19:46

@toocold54 as I said before, we’ve had this discussion many times already.

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