Would you expect your DH to check on you if

[Energy4You]

I think I’ve completely lost the sense of what is normal or not.

A few days ago, DH noticed something strange on my skin. It’s somewhere a bit harder to see for me so I hadn’t noticed. He mentioned that really I needed to have it checked out which I agreed.

That was a few days ago. DH hasn’t asked how I was, if I had managed to get an appointment. Nothing.
In reality, I’ve had a bit of backward and forward with the surgery. Then I had an eConsult followed by a F2F appointment on the same day. Everything is fine. I was really worried about skin cancer (mole changing colour) so I’m relieved to say the least.
But nowI feel let down that he didn’t ask anything about it.

Op
Given so many of us are a bit perplexed as to what is going on with this thread, I’d hazard a guess you’re feeling unsettled, confused and not at all clear re your marriage. Nothing anyone can do to help you o provide you with a “fascinating” array of views because it really isn’t clear what you want a view on!

You sound very unhappy and your marriage seems dead in the water. Not sure anything other than ending it is going to help

@theresastormcoming Please tell me you are getting out of this relationship.

i just wondered how you took it as you said it was in a place not usually noticed by you, but of course you had it pointed out to you so were able to take the photo,
i thought you would have needed help to aim the camera

No it was on the side of my body, usually hidden by my (large) boob.
So I didn’t see it but it didn’t stop me from taking the photo.

OP, to answer the question it wouldn't bother me if DP didn't ask. My parents and siblings are the same with each other and their DPs - they wouldn't follow up. My family of origin were mainly medical professionals on one side, and immigrants from quite a conservative culture on the other, so possibly that had something to do with the way we talked about health - it doesn't indicate a lack of love and care though. I suppose my default position has generally been that if someone wants to tell you something about their health, they will.

But my DP, and his family, do check in on each other. They have had some terrible medical tragedies with close family members and are very open about health issues. I found it a little jarring at first when DP would check in with me about how my doctors' visits had gone as it was not what I am used to. But I know that for him it is a way of expressing care. And I make sure that I follow up with him on his appointments - basically because I know that it matters to him, that it makes him less stressed if he talks about it, and it is a way of showing that I care about him and what is happening in his life.

So maybe it is not so much about whether it is normal behaviour - as in some relationships it's clearly fine - but the fact that there is a mismatch between you and your DH? You mentioned this is part of a pattern - did you want to talk more about that on this thread?

I think it's reasonable to ask you how the appointment went.
It's important to you, it should be important to him.

But I know that for him it is a way of expressing care.

Yep that would be me too.
Interestingly, I'm also a HCP....

But I think that more importantly, we both have had some people in the family with health problems (like any family really). I have a chronic condition that has, at times, really badly affected me. Both of us have parents with cancer (both well atm btw).

So yes I'm probably much closer to your DH than anything else. I see health as something important and with the potential to affect your wellbeing and life quite badly. So yes, I'd always ask.

It's important to you, it should be important to him.

That's a nice way to summarise it @RantyAunty

Your reaction to this one specific incident is clearly coloured by your general feeling that DH is unsupportive and uncaring.

However, as an isolated event, I think he's done nothing wrong. He alerted you to a potential health issue a few days ago and suggested you get checked. That is the behaviour of someone with your best interests at heart. As you're an adult, he'd be reasonable to assume that you'll deal with it and update him when you have news.

Your expectation that he should ask you whether you managed to get an appointment or should he checking on you is rather odd. Perhaps that stems from an anxiety about health in general..? He's probably forgotten about it - it's just a suspicious mole so, in the absence of an update from you, why would he think any more about it?

I've just been diagnosed with malignant melanoma and I've kept DP posted about appointments and treatment. It wouldn't occur to me to get the arse with him for not asking!

OP why didn't you tell him you'd got an appointment, and then that you'd been seen? Sorry if I've missed that by the way. It just strikes me as if you're shutting off from him. Is it a way of protecting yourself because you maybe think he doesn't care?

it's just a suspicious mole so, in the absence of an update from you, why would he think any more about it?

Because a suspicious mole that is changing colour is always a potential for being a melanoma.
Which is the reason why the GP saw me on the day rather than make me wait a few days/weeks to do a check up?

I don't know but I thought that was quite well known and has nothing to do with health anxiety or whatever.
Same than if you were notiving blood in your stools, a lump in your breast, started bleeding after the menopause etc etc....

OP why didn't you tell him you'd got an appointment, and then that you'd been seen?

Because as I explained the time between getting the appointment and seeing the GP was a few hours. Yes lucky me in the current circumstances. So I had no time to tell him about it.

I did spend quite a few days trying to get an appointment, yes the constant ringing, struggling to get the line etc... until a nice receptionist told me the best was to do an econsult.
That's the time I am referring to.

@PinotPony
Your reaction to this one specific incident is clearly coloured by your general feeling that DH is unsupportive and uncaring.

This is the question I was asking myself. Hence why I asked if people thought it would be normal.
Some like yourself said it was normal and I am a pain in the arse.
Others said they thought it would be normal for him to ask, out of care really. They certainly would expect him to ask if I managed to get an appointment.
One poster even went further saying they would actually have gone with their DP.

So basically, wide range of opinions but I am happy that I asked because it allowed me to put a bit more perspective into it.
My own conclusion is that basically that we are both right .

I agree with the pp who said that it's an unexpectedly quick turn around - it may have the potential to be cancer but - having had possible cancer pathway referrals a number of times before - none of them have proceeded that quickly.

Personally if I were your partner, I would probably ask about it specifically again after about a week - if you hadn't mentioned it beforehand. Earlier than that, unless you'd mentioned that you had an appointment booked would be nagging to me.

But the key thing here for me is whether he takes a general interest in what's going on with you. I would expect him to have asked you in the meantime a general 'how was your day?' type question - which would then be your opening to talk about making/having the appointment, if he's done that, and you've not told him because you're waiting for him to ask specifically about this issue, then that's on you imo. If he just doesn't take an interest in what's going on with you generally, then that's the real issue - and is an issue.

@StrawberryFever, it has been extremely quick.
The first thing I did seeing the Gp was to profusely thank her (while being really scared it was a bad sign)

[quote Energy4You]@PinotPony
Your reaction to this one specific incident is clearly coloured by your general feeling that DH is unsupportive and uncaring.

This is the question I was asking myself. Hence why I asked if people thought it would be normal.
Some like yourself said it was normal and I am a pain in the arse.
Others said they thought it would be normal for him to ask, out of care really. They certainly would expect him to ask if I managed to get an appointment.
One poster even went further saying they would actually have gone with their DP.

So basically, wide range of opinions but I am happy that I asked because it allowed me to put a bit more perspective into it.
My own conclusion is that basically that we are both right .[/quote]
I'm glad to hear it helped. Yes, I agree that you are both right. Your ways of managing this type of situation are completely different and that is okay, as long as both are okay with it. Which I know you've struggled with, but at least you're understanding and accepting another perspective.

@SpangoDweller

Possibly, but if he’s mentioned it then I’d just tell him, not wait for him to ask.

Me too.

I think it's good that at least one of you is relaxed & not anxious about it. Him being chill doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.

@Energy4You

He doesn’t noticed a new haircut either lol!

Now that is entirely normal.

I tell my husband everything I feel/what is going on without waiting for him to ask.

I also ask him about everything I want to know.

If he cared he would ask, yes he noticed it in the first place but he hasn't bothered to ask about it since, I find that a bit strange.