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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you expect your DH to check on you if

121 replies

Energy4You · 08/10/2021 15:13

I think I’ve completely lost the sense of what is normal or not.

A few days ago, DH noticed something strange on my skin. It’s somewhere a bit harder to see for me so I hadn’t noticed. He mentioned that really I needed to have it checked out which I agreed.

That was a few days ago. DH hasn’t asked how I was, if I had managed to get an appointment. Nothing.
In reality, I’ve had a bit of backward and forward with the surgery. Then I had an eConsult followed by a F2F appointment on the same day. Everything is fine. I was really worried about skin cancer (mole changing colour) so I’m relieved to say the least.
But nowI feel let down that he didn’t ask anything about it.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/10/2021 08:45

that’s a very weird way to look at counselling.

I disagree, obviously. If your relationship makes you so unhappy, that you need counselling to manage your feelings, then it's time to ask yourself why you're staying.

If you need to transform yourself to cope, then it's not the right relationship for you.

Counselling should be about resolving internal matters, not external ones. If the pressures are situational, you need to change your situation. Like, if you're in a job where you end up needing antidepressants because of it, you need to change jobs. Same with relationships.

Upsielazy · 09/10/2021 08:50

Sounds exhausting, why seethe he hasn't asked when you could just say I've been to the doctors everything was fine.

category12 · 09/10/2021 08:57

Eg your partner has a history of not supporting you at difficult times.

So, you can choose to have therapy and counselling to try not to be hurt and not react to this feeling of not being supported, to enable you to stick out an unsatisfactory relationship.

Or you could acknowledge that your feelings are valid and stop pouring your energies into a relationship where your partner basically doesn't give a shit.

Onelifeonly · 09/10/2021 09:00

If my DH had a similar issue, I probably would forget unless he told me he had had the appointment. After all, it's only potentially serious, not likely to be, and I doubt I'd be worrying too much about it. I have a busy job and kids to think of, so it might slip my mind. If he had, say, a severe headache and felt very unwell and went to an appointment, it would be on my mind and I'd be expecting an imminent update.

I think you are being unreasonable. You were very worried, as we often are, imagining cancer etc, but really it wasn't likely and he was probably preoccupied with other matters, especially if you hadn't told him you had made an appointment.

I have a friend whose husband knows all the ins and outs of her daily life - he has a long term health condition which means he hasn't worked or been able to do much for many years. I feel sad that the mundane details of her life are of such interest to him.

Kite22 · 09/10/2021 09:03

Actually @nobodyelsewill, the Doctors would have said exactly the same as your partner. Those extra 4 days or week wouldn't make any difference at all. In fact, when I got diagnosed, I was asked if I had anything booked I wanted to avoid before my operation. They emphasised that a few days away would do me the world of good.

Exactly @starrynight21

dieblauenStrumpfhosen · 09/10/2021 09:05

I think this one incident in itself wouldn't be a massive deal as a one of. If you are saying that this is a regular occurrence and you have given up even trying to seek attention or validation for your feelings from him, this relationship is extremely unhealthy for you.

nobodyelsewill · 09/10/2021 09:07

@Kite22

Actually *@nobodyelsewill*, the Doctors would have said exactly the same as your partner. Those extra 4 days or week wouldn't make any difference at all. In fact, when I got diagnosed, I was asked if I had anything booked I wanted to avoid before my operation. They emphasised that a few days away would do me the world of good.

Exactly @starrynight21

Well when I called to rearrange my appointment the receptionist said to me a few times are you sure you want to cancel as it's very important I go when I should have.
Onelifeonly · 09/10/2021 09:07

But if you're not happy in your relationship, you don't have to stay. Maybe you should have asked a different question in your OP?

nobodyelsewill · 09/10/2021 09:11

Just to clarify I wasn't diagnosed had no idea if it was cancer or not that's why it was important I went for the appointment within those two weeks.

layladomino · 09/10/2021 09:13

It seems as though there are maybe bigger issues in your r'ship from your updates, but to answer your initial question - no I wouldn't expect it necessarily.

He pointed out the initial concern (showing his concern) and suggested you book an appointment. You booked an appointment. He is likely waiting for you to have the appt and tell him what the outcome was. You haven't mentioned it so he probably thinks you haven't had the appointment yet. You are an adult who can sort out your own appts so there's nothing more for him to do until you feedback on that.

Gorganzolabrie · 09/10/2021 11:17

@category12
Counselling should be about resolving internal matters, not external ones
If only life was so simple. Crucially all relationships are about how we interact with each other, not about how one individual behaves. We all develop ways of relating that are based on our early templates. These can lead us to be trapped in patterns of thoughts feelings and behaviours that lead us to seek out and stay in situations that make us unhappy. Sometimes these can be improved by changing the way we relate to each other, sometimes (particularly when one partner is abusive with no desire or capability to change) they can't.

Counselling can help us to understand our patterns and where they come from, giving us a better idea if a relationship is salvageable or not.

Seemssoimp83 · 09/10/2021 11:26

@nobodyelsewill

Just to clarify I wasn't diagnosed had no idea if it was cancer or not that's why it was important I went for the appointment within those two weeks.
How was the holiday? Presumably you were worried and angry throughout?
category12 · 09/10/2021 11:30

Of course it's a simplification.

Like my example of being in a job that makes you miserable enough to need anti-depressants - it might be a temporary issue and worth trying to make changes within the setting. But it's also worth considering, actually is this the job for me?

And I think in a case where you're trying to change your reactions to the way someone is treating you, it's worth considering actually is this a relationship to stay in? And if you're trying to teach yourself to expect and accept less than you need (which my reading of the OP's posts is, as she mentions a history of ) then you're doing yourself a disservice.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 09/10/2021 11:38

not especially,

MrsLargeEmbodied · 09/10/2021 11:39

@starrynight21

Stop playing games. My DH is devoted to me - he'd certainly tell me if I had a skin problem. But after that, it would be up to me to say "Oh by the way I saw the doc about that skin problem, he said it's OK". Isn't that what people do ?
agree,
nobodyelsewill · 09/10/2021 11:43

@Seemssoimp83
I was really worried didn't enjoy the holiday at all.

Seemssoimp83 · 09/10/2021 12:20

[quote nobodyelsewill]@Seemssoimp83
I was really worried didn't enjoy the holiday at all.
[/quote]
Are you still with him?

LindaEllen · 09/10/2021 12:23

Just tell him whatever it is you want him to know. People waste so much time in their lives waiting for people to ask/text/call but the reality is that we all have so many other things on our minds we don't always have the headspace for every little thing.

It's almost like game playing if you're just waiting for him to ask. Like trying to points score and prove he doesn't care about you.

nobodyelsewill · 09/10/2021 12:35

@Seemssoimp83
No not now, I really regret not going to my appointment when I should have, the doctors receptionist thought I was mad to cancel it, she kept saying this really can't wait the doctor has requested a two week appointment, but I chose to listen to my partner reassuring me everything would be ok 🙄

MrsLargeEmbodied · 09/10/2021 13:06

how did you take the picture?

heywassuphello · 09/10/2021 13:30

My advice would be to grow up

Original poster
Energy4You · 09/10/2021 14:53

@MrsLargeEmbodied

how did you take the picture?
With my iPad Why???

Trying to see what’s the relationship between that and the initial question…

OP posts:
Original poster
Energy4You · 09/10/2021 15:02

What @Gorganzolabrie said

Plus relationships don’t happen in thin air. The way we react are influenced by our upbringing/childhood/culture/Heath history etc etc.

It sounds to me quite crazy to dismiss all that, assume it’s the other person that isn’t right for me when actually it’s be better for myself and for the relationship to start by looking at myself

All retort all points though because that’s not what drove me to counselling. My relationship is just one small part of the picture, like my dcs are, my children, my Heath history etc etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Energy4You · 09/10/2021 15:04

@Onelifeonly

But if you're not happy in your relationship, you don't have to stay. Maybe you should have asked a different question in your OP?
Nope I asked the right question sorry.

And I got the answers I wanted. Varied as you would expect. Sometimes with sarcasm and slightly aggressive by heyho 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
category12 · 09/10/2021 15:49

Seems crazy to me to think counselling will help your relationship when your partner has never been there to support me when things are a struggle (hospital appointments amd the like) so I am used to just get in with it in my own.

Sure, you may need it for other issues, but it's not going to magically transform his lack of care for you into something acceptable.