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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me unlock this instead of buying dp head off

107 replies

Burnerphone21 · 07/10/2021 17:35

My dp of several years is a kind and lovely man. He's the only partner I've ever been really proud of. He's gentle and supportive and an amazing step parent. My dds adore him. Even my exh thinks he's really nice and they actually get on well the two of them.

Dp will do anything I ask him to do and always wants to help. He really likes doing diy for me (we don't live together) and has taken on some big projects. He's v skilled.

My issue is that he rarely organises anything and the mental load is always on me. I'm expected to work out the details of whatever we do. If I organise an activity he will be delighted/offer to pay/always join in etc and always enjoys it that isn't the issue.

I had a bit of a meltdown at him few months back and his come back as ever is 'just tell me what you want and I'll do it' (he will it's true). I said ok look I need you to sort out one evening meal a week. Decide on food, buy it and cook it. He happily agreed to this and it lasted 2/3 weeks before he was texting me 'shall I put the dinner on?' Expecting me to have decided and shopped. It amounted to nothing really but I was too busy and tired to argue about it.

I posted a meme about female mental load on fb back along and dp took offence at it - again 'I'll do whatever you need me to just tell me'

Just tell me how to work this out with dp before I yell at him. He's not perfect and he's probably much more patient than me

An event which nearly tipped me into yelling at him was travelling a long distance to an event he was participating in which was close to his home but not ours and involved quite a bit of faffing about (related to his role). I realised in the afternoon he had put no thought whatsoever into where/when me and the kids would have dinner when there was quite a limited window for that. He isn't a parent but he's v experienced looking after children etc etc. We did end up having a brilliant time but it would have been easier if sorted out a lot more for us. This happens quite a lot when we visit his home. It's quite far, there's loads of nice stuff to do but he organises nothing in advance and I end up resenting the drive.

We both have very demanding jobs so I try not to get into the I'm more stressed than you thing. To be fair he never brings that up anyway.

FYI he has adopted routine tasks around the house which he does without being asked (sorting out the pets and food prep which is exactly the same every week so he knows exactly what to do)

OP posts:
Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 07/10/2021 17:35

Urgh unpick not unlock!

OP posts:
Brollywasntneededafterall · 07/10/2021 17:38

Sounds like my dh. He has we think adhd... I carry the whole mental load for our family. Unless he has a list...
Only you can decide if this is the life for you...

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 07/10/2021 17:39

Urgh. I hate this.

Just tell me what you want me to do.
I want you to use your brain and take care of things without having to be given instructions like a child.

I appreciate that's probably not the nicest way to put it. 😁

Does he work? Does he need instructions for every single part of his job all the time?

Learningtobeafeministagain · 07/10/2021 17:40

I couldn’t do it mental and emotional load are the biggest parts.

layladomino · 07/10/2021 17:40

He sounds like a basically decent human being who's a bit clueless and happy for someone else to be the grown up then he'll tag along.

What did he say when you pointed out that he'd gone back on his commitment to sort the evening meal once a week?

Does he understand about the mental load? That he isn't a child needing you, the grown up, to give him instructions? Does he understand how unattractive it is when men act as though they are helpless with domestic stuff?

Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 07/10/2021 17:40

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Urgh. I hate this.

Just tell me what you want me to do.
I want you to use your brain and take care of things without having to be given instructions like a child.

I appreciate that's probably not the nicest way to put it. 😁

Does he work? Does he need instructions for every single part of his job all the time?

He does indeed work. He runs a whole department. He's excellent at his job. This is what makes me a bit cranky - he is a fully functioning adult in every way.
OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/10/2021 17:41

Sounds exhausting
Up to you if you want this but no changing it

Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 07/10/2021 17:41

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Sounds like my dh. He has we think adhd... I carry the whole mental load for our family. Unless he has a list... Only you can decide if this is the life for you...
I think I'm at that crossroads where I either say I can't hack this or I just order him about forever!
OP posts:
Reallyimeanreally2022 · 07/10/2021 17:42

Do the two of you have children together?

Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 07/10/2021 17:45

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Do the two of you have children together?
No it's my children. He doesn't have any. It many ways he would be a lovely father. He is far superior as a step parent than other partners I've had. He is v committed to my children in an adult way I can't fault him there. But I also think if we had our own baby would he step up or be the same because if we had a newborn and I had to instruct him full time I might kill him 😂. I'm not in the right head space for other abstract reasons to decide if we consider q child together.
OP posts:
Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 07/10/2021 17:48

@layladomino

He sounds like a basically decent human being who's a bit clueless and happy for someone else to be the grown up then he'll tag along.

What did he say when you pointed out that he'd gone back on his commitment to sort the evening meal once a week?

Does he understand about the mental load? That he isn't a child needing you, the grown up, to give him instructions? Does he understand how unattractive it is when men act as though they are helpless with domestic stuff?

That's how I would describe him - he's a decent human I really can't find a dodgy side to him.

I didn't challenge him about the meal thing. I couldn't be arsed - it was yet another mental task for me and it was easier to do it myself. I have snapped at him a couple of times though and I feel bad about it. It's worse that I haven't challenged him I know.

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 07/10/2021 17:52

Then he is doing this because he thinks these things are beneath him and not worth headspace. If he asks for step by step instructions at all times then you'll get sick of it and do it yourself.

Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 07/10/2021 17:56

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Then he is doing this because he thinks these things are beneath him and not worth headspace. If he asks for step by step instructions at all times then you'll get sick of it and do it yourself.
I recognise that pattern from threads on here. It's more complex than that. If I said to dp please build me a shed in the garden he would do it from scratch. He's not lazy at all - I don't say that in defence he just isn't. It's this mental load thing. If I said I fancy fajitas for tea he'd be getting his shoes on and driving to Tesco's - he knows what's involved with fajitas 😂. What I want from him is a text saying 'I'm about to park at the shops do you fancy beef Wellington for tea I could get it all in the way home'
OP posts:
Reallyimeanreally2022 · 07/10/2021 18:00

How long have you been with him?

Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 07/10/2021 18:02

@Reallyimeanreally2022

How long have you been with him?
About 3 years
OP posts:
Dery · 07/10/2021 18:10

"I recognise that pattern from threads on here. It's more complex than that. If I said to dp please build me a shed in the garden he would do it from scratch. He's not lazy at all - I don't say that in defence he just isn't. It's this mental load thing. If I said I fancy fajitas for tea he'd be getting his shoes on and driving to Tesco's - he knows what's involved with fajitas 😂. What I want from him is a text saying 'I'm about to park at the shops do you fancy beef Wellington for tea I could get it all in the way home'"

I don't know, OP. It is tiring having to carry the mental load but if he's ticking so many other boxes, which it sounds like he is, maybe it's okay if he doesn't tick this one? It sounds like he's saving you time and energy in other ways. No-one's perfect and he does sound like he's getting an awful lot right.

Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 07/10/2021 18:12

I don't know, OP. It is tiring having to carry the mental load but if he's ticking so many other boxes, which it sounds like he is, maybe it's okay if he doesn't tick this one? It sounds like he's saving you time and energy in other ways. No-one's perfect and he does sound like he's getting an awful lot right.

This is spot on - he does get a lot right. I guess I wanted to unpick this a bit to sort my feelings out a bit. I'm not going to find a partner who is perfect in every way!

I guess I was hopeful for some training methods 😂

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 07/10/2021 18:18

I didn't challenge him about the meal thing. I couldn't be arsed

Well there you go.

He knows he only has to pay lip service, play along for a couple of weeks, make a minimal bit of effort, and then revert to type.

And he knows you won’t do a damn thing about it.

Wigglegiggle0520 · 07/10/2021 18:20

My DH is similar and I think you have just keep repeating yourself that you are not taking sole responsibility.
Not making excuses for him, but it maybe doesn’t help that you don’t live together. You don’t say exactly what your arrangement is but I’d be making it crystal clear I wouldn’t be organising meals on 2 days a week and it was down to him to sort.

MaverickDanger · 07/10/2021 18:22

DH can be like this. I’ve literally just given him certain areas of responsibility and said that’s yours, don’t care how it’s done, crack on.

It’s been stuff that he cares about more than me or important things like sorting out nursery for DS.

Meal-wise, I told him to look at Hello Fresh/Gousto, set up an account and pick half the week’s meals. It all comes bagged up so he just picks the bag out of the fridge and cooks, no questions.

Lolabray · 07/10/2021 18:26

I think this is quite normal of all the men I have ever met except a couple/ don’t forget our brains work differently! Men are from Mars women are from Venus and all that

thesearelaughterlines · 07/10/2021 18:29

Tell him "Tuesday " is your night to sort tea!
If he doesn't - he's got to pay for a take away , go whole hog order the lot , even for leftovers and lunch next day

He may suddenly start peeling a few spuds

He sounds like a decent bloke on the whole, maybe just a bit more not so gentle training and reminders his way . 😃

1forAll74 · 07/10/2021 18:31

You are asking too much, you seem to have the best of everything in a man already. So awful to have complaints as such,

PattiPritell · 07/10/2021 18:32

DCs leave home eventually - when meals etc don't HAVE to be according to a kid's timetable you can let him take as long as it takes.

MilduraS · 07/10/2021 18:37

I don't think he understand that the mental load is the part where you have to decide what needs to be done and tell him. My DH can be like that.

I've resorted to doing all those tasks together or in the case of events, making him put reminders in his phone and work calendar. For meal planning I make him sit down with me for 15 minutes and choose a menu together and I send him a screenshot so he'll stop asking me what's for dinner. I did try to make him responsible for checking the list when we shop but he was a bit of a nightmare- we've missed a few things every time so that's still my job. When he tells me he's doing something on whatever date we have to both get our phones out and put it in our calendar then and there. When his grandma writes us a letter I make him put reminders in his calendar to respond. When his friends have a baby I make him put the dates in his calendar with a yearly reminder. He still misses things but I've stopped feeling bad about it. I gave him the tools he needs so the rest is on him.

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